10 Things I Learned This Week

1. People Love Albert!
While some people clearly aren't very perceptive, the Albert being mentioned in comments this past week is Einstein, the regular picture that comes with your Sunday dose of iBlog. Love Albert all you want, but you still can't call the future wife "that broad in a hoodie" no matter what... thems fightin' words!

2. About the Dominican...
We're still going, it just might be with an entirely different provider. We're doing everything we can to get away from Marlin Travel and recoup some of the money that we've already shelled out for their craptacular service and have a local agent looking into things for us from this end. Words don't fully convey how angry I am about all this...

3. So Work Sucks
Back in September when I was hired out here, it was as a full-time bartender. Here is what that means to me: 30-40 hours a week predominantly behind a bar. Here is what it actually means: anywhere from 7-20 hours serving, occasionally in the bar. Ski season kicked off in earnest yesterday and while I worked a solid 4.5 hours, the $30 bucks I brought home in tips wasn't worth it.

4. Changing Directions
Yesterday being so crappy and the hours / tips ratio being what it's been out here got me to doing a lot of thinking last night. What I came up with is that all my spare time, every waking moment, has to be devoted to making money from my writing. That means an even stronger presence on The Love of Sports and a focus on my book and less time, unfortunately, some of the other places, this blog not included. I couldn't deprive you of your daily Spencer fix...

5. In the Words of Dr. Evil...
It's Frickin' Freezing! We've been getting slapped upside the head with a killer cold front for the last ten days and the temperature hasn't climbed above -20. Let me put it to you this way: when I take the dog for a walk, my fingers still get that burning cold sensation in them even though I have monstrous snowboarding gloves on. On a positive note, we still don't have much heat on in the condo and it's not that cold in here...

6. Speaking of the Condo...
She's pretty close to finished! Purchased our couch on Tuesday, they drop her off on Friday and we're all re-arranged and setup the way we like and it looks good. Pictures coming soon to Facebook.

7. Thursday is Christmas?
Where the hell did December go? Did we really move out here more than two months ago? 2008 is just about over? Was I in a coma for part of the year? How it's already been a year since the Bambi Incident is beyond me...

8. For All the Bitching I Did...
I really miss my crew from Montana's. I've stayed in touch with a bunch of them and now that I'm working in a similar enviro with different people, I realize how awesome it was to go into work with people you enjoyed seeing and hanging out with. Not that I don't like a couple people out here, but as a whole, the Montana's Crew kicked some serious ass!

9. By The Way, I Fell Off the Wagon
But I'm guessing you all knew that as soon as I stopped bragging about how well I was doing with the smokes. What can I say? I love to smoke... cough cough cough cough cough

10. 2008 has been the Best Year Yet
In every aspect of my life, this was the best year of them all. I got engaged, got a dog, got some great opportunities and met some great people. Here's hoping the pattern continues and 2009 turns out even better!

Have a safe and happy holidays everyone!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Another week in the books. Time to find out what I figured out over the last seven days...

1. It's All The Same
After two weeks as a Kelsey's employee, this much I know for certain: it ain't no different than being a Montana's employee. Servers bitch about being slow and making no money, managers hide out in the office, guests are mediocre tippers and large groups think the world revolves around them. Actually, Montana's earns the victory because we never ran out of beer... or milk.

2. Mind-boggling Move
Our landlord came to collect his belongings this week and I'm at a loss for words. Granted, everything he took was his, but truthfully, a bunch of it made no sense at all. Left us the barbecue that comes with the condo, took the barbecue tools. Took the garbage cans from the bathroom, left the garbage on the floor for us to clean up. Took the deck of cards and cribbage board, left the instructional booklet for the complete rules of cribbage. Amazing!
3. Sarah & Spencer: Ghetto Fabulous
Right now, we're the height of Hobo Chic! Our dining room is made up of the outdoor furniture that doesn't need to collect snow on the balcony all winter, our living room consists of a futon and a rubbermaid bin turned table and our mattress rests all alone in our bedroom... on the floor... because we don't have a bed frame yet. Like I said, Ghetto Fabulous!
4. My Man D to the Rescue
I've made an instant friend at work. Dave, or My Man D, is about the same age as me, spent some time in The Hammer and is just an overall great dude. I thought this before he told me about all the household items he is ready to pack into his van and drive up to our condo for us so we don't have to remain Ghetto Fabulous. The deck furniture can go back on the deck, as he's got a kitchen table set we can use, the futon can move into the office where it's meant to go because he's offering up a couch and the small ass TV we're watching far too much of these days can go to hell because he's providing a 32" Sony Flatscreen for as long as we need too. I owe this man some beer...

5. Time to Press Reset
So, we're here and all the landlord's stuff is out. The interruptions and annoying things are done and over with, which means it's time to get settled and get started. Same as this summer, working at a restaurant affords me a great deal of time to spend here at this computer, so I need to get into the swing of things. I've been missing days left and right here (sorry...) and have really fallen off the Bugs wagon as of late and that isn't what I want. Since the newspaper here hasn't decided to get back to me (surprise surprise) focusing on the things I do have before me becomes even more important, starting today.

6. I've Got The Best Girl
How do I know? I came home from a crap afternoon at work yesterday, tired, frustrated, all that and what did she say?

"D'you wanna just take some time off and work on the book? They obviously don't really need you right now and if you get enough of it done, you could send it out to see what people think."

That made everything better, along with the homemade chilli and Okanagan Springs Pale Ale and reminded me that I really did luck out on this one. You're the best Baby!

7. Anything Can Happen Inside The Octagon
Just this week, two of my Top 10 Pound for Pound fighters were beaten. While word on the MMA Street is that "The Fireball Kid" Takanori Gomi was robbed of a decision in his fight in Japan, the undisputed best featherweight in the business Urijah Faber was knocked out cleanly by Mike Brown. This is why I love this sport.

8. Oh Right, We're Getting Married Soon
Not that we forgot, but amidst all the moving and unpacking and buying all the little things that you need everytime you move, we've gone a month without talking to our travel agent. Not that that's completely horrible, but apparently no one has gotten any information from her yet and seeing as the date is getting closer by the day, we're thinking she shoudl probably get on that. That means, tomorrow we get on her.

9. Speaking of Weddings...
I'd like to congratulate my brother Peter in advance for tying the knot on Tuesday to his fiancee Brooke Smith. They're off to Vegas for a week or wedding fun and Sarah and I are both bummed that we couldn't make the trip. I'm sure there'll be lots of pictures and we're getting to spend a week with them in the Dominican, so we'll celebrate again then.
10. Did I Mention History Was Made This Week?
YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

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Shameless Promotion... and Some Random Thoughts Too

You'll notice over on the right, where we keep The Movie List and The Blog Cellar, that there is a new addition to the posse.

It's a widget for The Love of Sports.

I do some work there.

Actually, I do a lot of work there.

Almost as much as I do anywhere else these days.

That's because these guys are straight knockout artists when it comes to writing intelligent and interesting pieces about sports - all sports - much like the way the B&C Family holds things down on the baseball ends of things on the daily.

I got hooked up at TLOS a couple months back and after getting my feet wet - and dropping off the Epic Carnival Sideshow Tour - I have started doing some regular pieces there, including getting a lot of my MMA addiction out of the way by previewing every PPV, profiling fighters and delivering my own personal Pound for Pound rankings. Those are coming soon...

I wanted to bring some attention to the site because, well, everyone needs traffic and if you like sports and stories about sports presented in a fairly unbiased nature and in great variety, drop by and check us out.

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'Member a few weeks back when I had Lil Wayne in the Soundtrack and said it was because down the road he was going to be viewed as a pioneer when it comes to digital artists and blending genres?

Seems Weezy is just doing it all these days, as he's now blogging for ESPN The Magazine.

Would you have guessed that the man who reps N'awlins more than anybody would be a Packers fan?

Me neither.

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Afternoon schmaltz movies are becoming a daily routine around here...

Crashed out and watched Saved the Last Dance today.

Somehow I forgot about it yesterday; definitely part of the Top 5, maybe at the expense of Benny & Joon.

P.S. What the hell happened to Julia Stiles? Where did she go? I miss her. I loved her.

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Went back to work for the first time in three weeks yesterday... and was sent home before I even started.

Not because I did something wrong; it was just that dead. Probably going to happen tonight too, which is fine, because the season premiere of Grey's is on tonight and I'll be pissed if I miss it.

Yeah, I watch Grey's. You got a problem with that?

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Speaking of work, it was really cool to get such a great response from everyone at The Cookhouse about our venturing out to BC.

Even though I've only been there for a short time, they're a great group of people and I will miss fucking the dog and avoiding work along side of them.

It's also funny that all of them to a man loathe working there and living in London.

It really isn't that hard to just up and leave people...

We're all still relatively young. Life is too short to sit around hating your job and wanting more. Go out and get more and enjoy life to the fullest.

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Oh yeah - I fell off the smoke wagon again.

Went the first eight days out west without a single one... ninth day, Sarah's mom came home.

Been smoking ever since.

Time to go have one now...

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Now This Is More Like It

With all due respect and love to my future wife and everyone I've been spending time with here in Vancouver... Man have I needed today!


Today is the first day in the last two weeks or so that I have been left 100% on my own to do as I please, which in younger years would have meant scouring the Internet for porn, watching all kinds of movies and probably taking a long afternoon nap. But now, after a horrible day yesterday that originally was supposed to be very similar to the day I'm having today, that means sitting here on the laptop hammering out as many pieces as I can for the numerous sites and readers that I have been depriving of my witty banter over the last fourteen days.


I'm not going to get into great detail about yesterday. It sucked, plain and simple and I will never understand why friends and parents cannot fathom that sometimes, just sometimes, people have different opinions and ideas than you and you're not always right. Maybe I'm just spoiled with the close relationships that I have, but more and more I get the feeling that a lot of people don't live in the real world and can't get out of their own way when it comes to friends and family... and that's mighty effing annoying!


But it's not all doom and gloom faithful followers...


Cranbrook has gained steam following Sarah's awesome interview last week and references are in the process of being checked. In fact, the phone could be ringing today with a job offer for the future Mrs. Kyte. And she's not the only one who has found herself a job.


The place we've found to rent is in the ski resort village of Kimberley. The restaurant that operates in the resort? Kelsey's, Montana's Cara Foods cousin and they happen to be hiring a year round, full-time bartender, a seasonal full-time server and a seasonal front of house manager. Can you say shoe-in?


I've applied for the bartending gig as it offers continuous employment for the three years we anticipate staying out this way (at least to begin with) and presents the greatest earning potential of the lot. Ski resort bars are awful busy and being the sports-minded, charming, mildly attractive guy serving up Caesars sounds like a plan to me.


Getting a free ski pass, free rentals and free lessons doesn't hurt either, especially considering that the one time I've snowboarded I ended up concussed and we'd need to buy furniture before I got around to buying a bunch of Burton gear.


Future bartending jobs aside, there is really something to be said about British Columbia. It's beautiful here and while I know we've been spoiled by glorious sunshine and not a single drop of rain since we landed, the scenery and easy-going flow of the city doesn't change with the weather. Much like Newfoundland, this is one place that every has to come at least once in their life, just to see the sights.


It's nice to be back... at least for today...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Well nothing retarded happened this week like helping a guy who tried to kill himself or anything like that, which was a nice change after last week's experience. But it was an interesting week nonetheless, so let's get to it, shall we?

1. Summer is Over
Exactly when did this happen? It's August 31st. This is bullshit. I want a Do Over. I only made it to three Jays games, one fire at Shelby & Mark's, no trips to Midland to go boating and basically spent the whole time working. Ridiculous.

2. Three More Shifts, Then I'm Gone
Close the bar tonight, work a two hour day shift tomorrow and sling some slop Tuesday night and then it's adios Montana's for nearly three weeks, if not for good. Chances are I'll be back before we pack up our things and move somewhere new, but I got screwed on the schedule this week and kind of hate my manager right now for it, so we'll see.

3. BC is Looking More and More Likely
Like I said last week, we'll know more once we've gotten out there and toured around a bit - which we're going to do when we arrive - but every time we talk about the possibility, it seems like the logical choice. Sarah can make more money and I can hook up a job at one of the resorts where I should make enough cash to only need to work 8 months a year, which means four months a year to write... and procrastinate with Luke.

4. Loyalty Doesn't Exist in the Business World
Since starting at Montana's, there hasn't been a time that they've called me to come in that I have turned them down. I've done everything that has ever been asked of me and done so with a smile on my face. So what do I get in return? I lose the closing shift on Mondays that I've been working for two months on the holiday when I could actually make some great cash while the new hire who happens to be someone's little sister and the returning complainer each work a double. Classy Montana's... classy.

5. The Last Good Book I Read
Finished off Bret Hart's book Hitman this week and was fairly impressed. I know wrestling isn't everybody's thing, but it was mine for years, including Hitman's time in the ring and reading the behind the scenes stuff from that time was pretty cool. The family drama from The Hart Family was incredible too. Well done and recommended to anyone who every watched "The Excellence of Execution" operate inside the squared circle.

6. Can't Wait to Watch a Porno
No, not like that you sick fucks! Kevin Smith's latest, Zack and Miri Make a Porno starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. I watched the trailer the other day and nearly pissed myself. The fact that it's Silent Bob's flick would have made me see it regardless, since we all know I have a big ol' crush on him, but after seeing the trailer, I know want to see it twice as bad.

7. New Project, Part I
I started on the first few pages of a book this weekend and it will be taking priority over all other projects moving forward. Like I said earlier in the week, I'm doing too many things and need to start focusing on the ones that could yield some return, although I will still be blogging every day. I don't want to give anything away, but the feedback I've gotten on the idea thus far has all been positive and part of my BC trip will be spent pushing forward with this effort.

8. New Project, Part II
Some one you may have noticed the disappearance of the E. Spencer Kyte Facebook Fan Page this week. Let's be honest - none of you noticed and that's okay. I axed it because, well, it wasn't something I put any time into, but also because me and Newt are working on a little something that will be unveiled to the world soon and will serve the same purpose as the other page and then some.

9. No One Ever Pays Me
Thus far, I've had five articles published in four different magazines for two different publications. The only thing they have in common? I haven't been paid for any of them. The fine folks at FutureCore Media, Passion's Parent Company, refuse to return my messages and Canadian Sports Magazine has come up blank thus far. I'll give them a little more time, but as of now I'm not impressed.

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Update: 198 lbs.
Current Weight: 200 lbs.

It's about time nature took it's course. Considering I haven't done a workout in nearly three weeks (this week got written off too... just because), putting on two pounds isn't all that bad in my books. Not that I don't want to drop the pounds and tone it up real nice for the festivities next April, but there are other things that are taking priority right now. We'll get back at it soon enough...

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The Rundown: Feed Me

Rocked Mandarin for lunch yesterday.

I have to tell you, there may not be a better deal in town than the Lunch Buffet at Mandarin, especially if you get there as they're opening the doors at 11:30 like we did yesterday.

Think about it - all you can eat including really fresh shrimp and mussels, all your Chinese food favourites and countless North American bastard dishes too like fries, onion rings and the one that always makes me laugh, roast beef at a carving station. Nothing spells Chinese like Roast Beef!

Anyway, rocking the Mandarin for lunch got me thinking about the things I like to eat most, since it is in the Top 25 of eating experiences for me solely based on the fresh Crab Leg feast you can gorge yourself on during the Holidays. Then I realized that I haven't delivered a foodie Rundown as of yet and well, here you go...

Top Five Foods / Meals

5. Holiday Turkey Dinner
This one should be on everyone's list I would imagine, because really, loading around a table with the fam and stuffing yourself on turkey, mashed potatoes and whatever else you choose to cover in gravy is always a good time. This is also one that I'm looking forward to in the coming years, as I want to be one of those people who hosts one of these dinners every year for our family and friends.

4. Street Meat
There isn't much better to me than a dog or a sausage on an egg bun slathered in mustard outside of the ball game or Canadian Tire or wherever else a quality Street Meat stand happens to pop up. There used to be one in the parking lot of one of the Beer Stores in Barrie that I would hit up on a regular basis. Not when I was buying beer, just to get a dog. That's how much I like these things.

3. Steak
Whether I make it at home on the barbecue or we go somewhere to partake, a really good steak is always an excellent choice. It actually pains me to work at Montana's and allow people to order steaks anything more than Medium. Why would you do that to a delicious cut of beefy goodness?

2. Sushi
I think I could eat sushi every day and not get sick of it. Seriously, that's how much I love it. The beauty of "sushi" is in the variety, ranging from actual sushi itself, to sashimi to hand rolls and rolls and on and on and on. This is actually a non-starter for me now: if you don't like sushi, we can't be nearly as good friends as if you do, simply because at some point, I'm going to want to go for sushi and when you shrunch up your nose at the idea, I'm going to want to punch you in the mouth.

1. Breakfast
Bacon. Eggs. Sausage. Toast. Baked Beans. Hash Browns or Home Fries. Coffee. Delicious. I can and do eat breakfast for any meal at any time in any setting. And it's not just homemade breakfast that takes the cake either. McDonald's Breakfast? Awesome! A little bit of the Griddle while out and about? Wicked! Denny's? Hell yes! The list goes on and on. Best meal ever, at least in my books.

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The Picture Says It All

My cup runneth over.

As of right now, I have way too many things on the go and not enough hours in the day to accomplish them all, which means some things are going to start failing by the wayside for the next six weeks or so.

Bugs isn't going anywhere. They gave me my start and I will stick with them come hell or high water. Besides, the Jays season ending is where I got the six weeks from, so after that, baseball takes a spot on the back burner a little.

This bad boy right here isn't going anywhere either. How could I spend nearly a year putting in work to build a readership (thanks all 8 of you!) and then shut it down? Not going to happen.

Since I can't walk into my manager's office at Montana's, pull an Ed Norton in Fight Club and get paid to not show up at work, ditching delivering dinners is out of the question as well. Actually, it's a big part of the reason my beverage container is overflowing. I've working six days a week, closing three of those nights and a man has got to sleep sometime...

Where does that leave us?

I've already pretty much stopped writing at Epic Carnival over the last month. I can't tell you when I last posted there. In fact, I had made this decision long before my drinking glass couldn't hold any more theoretical liquid.

The thing with Epic is that it's a Boobs & Babes site - which there is absolutely nothing wrong with - except that Boobs & Babes isn't what I do. Call me ridiculous, but I want people reading my work because I have something interesting and insightful (or scandalous and off-kilter) to say about the topic, not because I have a picture of some tart in her bra and panties.

Unfortunately, bras and panties generate a lot more hits that witty banter and actually having something to say...

In the end, it looks like Season Three of The Wire is what is going to suffer the most.

Even though I just picked it up yesterday and am dying to tear into the next batch of episodes to see what's happening with everyone, the DVD player is going to have to stay off.

Either that or I give up working out.

"Fat guy on the beach who has watched every episode of The Wire" or "Guy with the toned physique who doesn't know what has been happening with The Barksdale Organization" come April?

Decisions, decisions...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Without exaggeration, this has been an insane week. Good things, bad things and altogether surreal things make up the countdown - delayed because life invariably happened yesterday - so let's get right to it.

1. We Helped a Man Who Tried To Kill Himself
On our way to do some running around, there was a man laying on the ground in obvious pain, people beginning to crowd around him. Being a nurse (and wonderful human being) Sarah pulled into the parking lot to help. I called 911 while she did her thing. Turns out, the man tried to hang himself from his third floor balcony and the cord snapped. No major injuries and words don't describe how proud I am of my future wife, but I still can't shake the images from my head.

2. Wedding Date Confirmed
I am pleased to announce that we are officially getting hitched in the Dominican next April. The 23rd to be exact. That means I have less than 8 months of freedom remaining.... Invites are on the way.

3. BC is Back in the Picture
When we set out for BC in a couple weeks, there will be a couple new stops added to the itinerary. We're going to slide through the Lower Okanagan Valley. Sarah applied for some jobs out there because it never hurts to apply and with the benefits that BC offers (more money, student loan relief) moving to the West Coast is gaining a little momentum.

4. Just Wondering
Why do people who have places to be and time lines to maintain go out to eat at busy restaurants during the busiest times? I know it shouldn't take 40 minutes for you to eat, but sometimes it does and that's not our fault. This message has been brought to you by the staff at Montana's. Welcome to the Cookhouse!

5. Grand Bend Made Me Feel Old
I hadn't been to Grand Bend since I was 12 or 13 and we hit the South-Western Ontario Beach Town this week and one thing was abundently clear - it's a young persons destination. Not that there weren't people my age and older, but all of us looked out of place, what with the facial hair and flabby physiques... and that was just the women - ZING! I'm here all night folks...

6. Cool Hand Luke now known as Captain Annoying
I don't know what it is, but the little monster has been barking up a storm all week. Every little sound sets him off on a barking fit and there is nothing - aside from taking him for a W-A-L-K every ten minutes - that can stop him. Car door closes? Bark. Train goes by out back? Bark. Someone three doors down sneezes? You got it... Bark!

7. Off To Best Buy
Finished Season Two fo The Wire yesterday night after a long shift slinging drinks and I'm itching to get the remaining three seasons. I can't stress this enough - find a way to watch this show. Hell, email me and tell me you want to borrow the seasons - I'll send them to you. It's that damn good.

8. Still No TV
The Olympics came and went and I watched exactly zero hours of coverage here at the house. We're still without our television. I caught some key moments on the big screens at work, including Usain Bolt killing'em all on the track not once, not twice but thrice (Thank you, Monty Burns) and Michael Phelps being superhuman. Can't really say I miss the stupid thing to be honest.

9. I Can't Wait to Move
Not that I am desperate to get out of London or anything like that, but everywhere I go, all I can do is see things that I want for our next place. I think about how to set up my office - because no matter where we land, I will have my own office - and the colours we're going to use. What furniture we'll need and now that we have an abundance of picture frames from the EP last weekend, how to organize those has become a thinking point as well.

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Update: 198.5 lbs. (two weeks ago...)
Current Weight: 198 lbs.

Here is the crazy thing about this: I haven't actually worked out in the last ten days - for various reasons - and there has been a lot of eating out and boozing over that time frame and still I've managed to drop a Double Quarter Pounder! Workout resumes today; eight months less a couple days to drop 13 pounds... even I should be able to manage that.

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How Is Summer Almost Over?

There is a good likelihood that my employment at Montana's will be coming to an end in the next three weeks.

Not because I'm going to go postal and shoot up the place or stand on the bar with my pants around my ankles singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or anything like that.

No, my tenure is linked to Sarah's job situation and well, since it's almost September, I'm almost out the door.

How the hell did that happen so fast?

It's been three months since I started at Montana's and four since I arrived in London. That's insane!

This summer has flown by and it doesn't get any slower from here on out. Actually, it gets even more hectic, as the aforementioned Sarah Job Hunt gets into full swing which will undoubtedly be accompanied by packing, finding an apartment in another new city and moving all our worldly possessions.

Of course, that's while we're hammering out all the details of the wedding via email with the lazy wedding coordinator at the Gran Bahia Principe Cayacoa in Samana. I know things are a little more laid back and relaxed down there, but does it really take two weeks to return an email?

And there is also a little thing called "Spencer Finally Sees Vancouver" taking place in September, which comes after we trek to Ottawa for a weekend for Sarah's friend Erin's wedding.

Hopefully when we get to the Left Coast things will slow down a little. But let's be honest - we're going back to Sarah's home - we'll be on the go 24/7.

No rest for the wicked...

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Dishonour Roll: Bar Training

Making another appearance here on iBlog is the always popular Dishonour Roll, a segment dedicated to the stupid people and ridiculous events that enter my world.

Stepping up to the plate today are the fine folks at Montana's Cookhouse and their conviction that I must undergo Bar Training.

As I told you a couple weeks back, I'm back pulling on the taps and popping caps off bottles on a semi-regular basis. At the same time that they hired me, two other people were also given an opportunity to work behind the bar, neither of whom have any experience.

My appointment to the role of bartender was someone out of necessity - a dude got himself fired and they needed someone with experience ASAP to cover the shifts he would no longer be working.

Cue me and two days later, I'm opening the bar solo.

No big deal - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. A week later, I was closing the bar on a Sunday night. Again, no problemo.

In the meantime, the other two hires have been pulling 3 hour shifts training behind the bar for the last two weeks or so, getting used to the pace, learning how to do counts, figuring what makes a Long Island Iced Tea and all that.

So here I am yesterday, chilling on my day off when the phone rings at 6:45.

The bar is getting swamped and they want me to come in and help out.

After a brief internal struggle over my willingness to go in, I showed up at work, smashed through an hour on the bar and was ready to go when the bartender who was on asked me, "Aren't you staying to train on close tonight?"

I says pardon?

In the least arrogant way possible, I explained that training on the bar isn't something that I am in serious need of, what with having run a fine establishment on my own for a time up in Midland and having been behind a bar a time or two. The newbies I understand, but me? No thanks.

Unfortunately, this might be something I can't escape.

See, the managers aren't going to want to be put in a position where the other two hires can complain about having to go through training while I just waltz back behind the bar and start making cash - training shifts mean no tips.

They also won't want to put themselves in a spot where I can screw up and then use the "Well I didn't get any training" cop out, which I would never think of doing to be totally honest.

So, I can understand the need to make me work a couple of craptacular 3 hour tours of duty behind the bar under the watchful eyes of K. Reid or CB (our two senior bartenders), but here is the rub:

How you gonna make me do these stupid training shifts after I'm closing the bar next Saturday and Sunday night?

I'm scratching your back and covering for when you gave two bartenders the same entire weekend off. Now you scratch mine and get rid of the unnecessary training.

Pouring beer is pouring beer, I'm a clean freak when it comes to the areas I work and I know how to count. What else is there to know? At least there is no eLearning to go along with it...

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Please Don't Let Me Have Daughters

No one ever believes me when I tell them that come October 30th, I'll be turning the Big 3-0. Maybe it's because I still don't have to shave every day.

That part is a familial / genetics thing because my brother Pete will be turning 32 in September and if he shaves twice a month it's generally one too many times. The baby face is genetic too. Dude is going on 32 and could reasonably pass for early 20s. I'm not even kidding.

Anyway, age has been on my mind for the last little while because working at Montana's has totally skewed my ability to accurately gauge the ages of the people around me. More correctly, I have no idea how old girls are anymore.

This is what happens when you're surrounded by a large female population anywhere between the ages of 16 and 25; they all just blend together and you either look like an idiot for thinking someone is too old or make yourself feel a little creepy when you find out that the tall, attractive young hostess is half your age... literally.

I may not look 30, but at least I couldn't get you thrown in jail!

Two things:

1. I've just stopped answering when people ask me how old I think they are because I always end up getting it wrong
2. Please Don't Let Me Have Daughters!

Honestly, I couldn't deal with this shit as a parent.

It's bad enough now as an innocent bystander and occasional horribly bad guesser. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't spend part of my shift wondering why in the hell these girls come into work decked out like they're going out. And not just to some shit-shack, hole in the wall either.

They come in decked like they're off to the VIP after work, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the fragrant aromas of Montana's are going to linger in their near lingerie. Nothing like heading out for a night on the town smelling like ribs!

Between jeans so tight you can't put a quarter in your pocket to call your Mom when you need her to pick you up and slathering on the makeup so that your teenage skin looks old and weathered like a battle-hardened booze hound, I can't walk into work without shaking my head and praying to whoever is in charge up there that one day there will be a wholesome, Girl Next Door Renaissance.

Those were the days - when natural was pretty, what your boobs actually looked like remained a mystery and fifteen year old hostesses looked like fifteen year old hostesses, not Heidi fucking Klum.

* * * * * * * * * *

Here's Me on My Soapbox

The "Older Than You Are" thing only lasts so long, then it becomes the "Younger Than You Are" thing. Neither of which is very beneficial.

We parade out late teen / early twenties actors to play 14, 15 and 16-year-olds and then wonder why our kids want to grow up so fast. Only then, we turn around and cast 30-year-olds as the twentysomething inhabitants of shows like Friends.

Here's a novel idea: Why not give people an honest portrayal of age for once?

Don't rush the 15-year-old supermodel onto the stage in the latest from Gucci.

Cast 16-year-olds to play 16-year-olds and 27-year-olds to play 27-year-olds for that matter too.

Stop trying to accelerate childhood only to slow down aging.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint and 19 is still going to be there, even when you're 16 and it seems so far away.

And when you're 37, understand that 19 was a long time ago, so stop stealing your daughter's clothes!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. You Can't Teach Work Ethic
It's been a busy week at Montana's and over the last seven days, it's become painfully obvious to me that there is nothing anyone can say or do to make someone work harder. For a time, maybe, but not over the long haul. Management is included in this sadly, as our new guy bailed when his shift was scheduled to end Monday, despite all kinds of people answering their phones and coming in to help him. The right thing to do would have been to stick around. But you can't make people do something they don't want to do.

2. Through The Wire
At least Season One so far. Honestly, without harping on the subject for too long, if you like cop shows with an edge and some realism to them, go find this show. Best Buy dropped their prices on the seasons - they're only $30 a piece now - so instead of having a beer and pizza night, make a sammich and go buy this show.

3. Silencing Critics Inside the Octagon
While I'm still pissed that I didn't get to watch UFC 87 last night, I know all the results and have to give a round of applause to George St. Pierre, Brock Lesnar and Kenny Florian. I picked against all three and the trio came out and fought the fights that everyone (myself included) knew they were capable of fighting en route to unanimous decisions for all three. Most impressive of the group is Lesnar, the one time WWE Heavyweight Champion who could soon be wearing a similar belt in the UFC.

4. Mixed Emotions for Next Sunday
A week from today, I won't be writing this column. Instead, I'll likely be sitting at the kitchen table stuffing my face with breakfast foods recovering from what is sure to be a crappy, wine-enduced hangover following our Engagement Party. Kind of torn on this one still. On one hand, it's going to be nice seeing the people who are coming that I haven't seen in a while. But on the other hand, there are a bunch of people who aren't going to be there that disappoints me. Funny how some people will go to great lengths to show their love while others won't make the smallest effort...

5. R.I.P. Bernie Mac
Everyone has their own opinion of Bernie Mac, the comedian who passed away recently from pneumonia. Sarah hated him. Me? I've been a fan for a while and will miss him. He fit perfectly in his supporting roles in the Ocean's Series and Bad Santa and will always be one of the Original Kings of Comedy in my books.

6. Radio Show Regular
A pattern is forming on C101.5 - Mohawk College Radio on Tuesday nights around 7:30 or so: the host and this cat who writes for a baseball website talk shop for fifteen minutes in between Canadian Indie Rock tracks. Tune in and enjoy my latest efforts in the shameless self-promotion of Spencer Kyte.

7. My Name is Spencer and I'm a Smoker
Still doing pretty good, but let's face it: I've smoked for 13 years and it's the one thing I use as a way of calming down, chilling out and dammit, I just plain like it. There is no way that I would get through the awkward interactions coming next Saturday without the occasional smoke and I would surely have snapped on someone at the Cookhouse by now if I didn't step outside for some unfresh air every once in a while.

8. Olympic Tragedy
I'm no tree-hugger, so I won't stump for the enviromental reasons why we shouldn't be staging an Olympics in Beijing, but the quickness with which there was an incident against American family members of a US Coach in the Communist country shows me that a mistake was made. I will never understand why decisions like this are made when there are less dangerous, equally willing and viable cities always interested in hosting the Olympics.

9. It Really Is Like Having A Kid
Being a dog owner really is a great way to prepare yourself for kids. At least, I would say so now that I'm a dog owner. Everything we do has the "Luke Factor" tied into it and he's been known to throw tantrums now and again for no apparent reason. Our little man is a total handful, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Week's Weight: 198.5 lbs.
Current Weight: 198.5 lbs.

No change, which is better than going up. This week was actually a fairly crappy week Op-wise, as rain washed out a couple outdoor training sessions and the indoor replacements never go as well. Something about being outside that focuses me more. Probably because I don't have a dog licking at my face when I do crunches...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Things Always Seem To Work Out
My man Bucky was to be in town Monday night for some meetings and pints were definitely in order. Unfortunately, Monday night is the night I close at Montana's and passing up a guaranteed $150 bucks would be insane. So I had to cancel with Bucky. Turns out Bucky got to town super late and would be hanging around throughout the day Tuesday. Guess who happened to be off? Nothing better than afternoon beers and wings with an old friend.
2. Blue Jays Jinx Continues
This season, the Jays are 0-3 when I'm in attendance as they dropped Wednesday afternoon's game to Tampa while I was 18 rows up at third. As always, big thanks go out to my man Chris Schiel for the hookup - everyone had a great time... except the Jays.

3. OCD and Me
So, I kind of have a little bit of an issue with schedules and order. See, I like them, a lot and really, really don't do so well when things get thrown off schedule and out of order. Case in point, Wednesday morning. We were supposed to be leaving the house around 9:30 in Garry's car to go to the game. Too bad he took his keys with him when he left at 7:00 AM. Tried to find Sarah at the hospital to get her set, but no one could direct me to her floor. Did I mention it was pouring rain? Soaked and dejected, I got home at 9:50, pouted on the bed for about 3 minutes and drove Shitbox 2 to Toronto. We got into our seats for the bottom of the second. ARGH!
4. Chapters Really Does Have Magic Powers
I've been kind of bummed lately about writing and just work in general; no real reason, just July was a slower month and there hasn't been anything new coming down the pipeline for a few weeks. All that was washed away and the fire rekindled by a Monday trip to Chapters. Twenty minutes of shopping for cheap books (I bought three, have already read Fargo Rock City) and another twenty sitting in the chairs reading the latest issue of Spin - great story on D'Angelo and an interview with Q-Tip - and I was ready to rock the keys again. What can I say, the place just inspires me.

5. Wedding Plans Are Made
In the span of three days, we went from dealing with Lindsay the Halfwit at Flight Center who never got back to us about anything and had no real information to walking into Marlin Travel, meeting Judy (I Love Judy!), telling her what we were looking for and having everything in our hands with final confirmation coming sometime this week. Once we get it all in stone - the exact date and whatnot -you'll be sure to know. If I can give everyone some advice it's this: when it comes to your wedding plans, you want someone who is a bit of a bitch working for you; Judy is great with us but a total bad-ass on the phone and via email getting everything done and we couldn't be happier.

6. 10 Days of No TV
Have to say I'm pretty impressed, because so far it hasn't really been much of anything really. I mean, I wish I could watch Iron Chef: America every night when I get home from work (and Sarah misses Jon & Kate Plus 8) but for the most part it's been no inconvenience at all. I've read more, written about as much as always and it makes going out the door to workout a much easier decision, since I can't sit in front of sports highlights and afternoon baseball.

7. Hangover City
So I decided to have a couple drinks with some people from work on Friday night. Sarah was working at the hospital overnight and having a beer or two chatting with my colleagues sounded like a good idea. When am I going to learn that this is never what ends up happening? A couple beers turned into three Guinness, three vodka waters and tray after tray of shots that left me feeling like someone had kicked the living hell out of me all day yesterday. And then I had to go to work all night...

8. The Hangover Cure Still Works Like a Charm
I could swear I've shared my sure-fire hangover buster formula with everyone before, but just in case I haven't, I need to pass it along because it truly did make all the difference in the world yesterday. Besides the obvious (sleep, Tylenol Extra Strength) the key components are: lots and lots of water, a warm shower and McDonalds. The sooner you shower the better, as this will get you feeling better for a period. Ideally, you eat the McDonalds before the positives of the shower subside. Keep the water going all day. Next time you're feeling like I was yesterday, give this a try. You can thank me later.
9. The Motodanica Commentors
My new pet peeve here at iBlog are the random "promotional commentors" who take on various names and make witty banter about stuff they obvliously don't care about in the comments section. They're always linked to www.motodanica.com - an ad page for some Motorola phone - and pop up once or twice a week. I guess I should be flattered - getting SPAM is the mark of making it, isn't it?

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Week's Weight: 199 lbs.
Current Weight: 198.5 lbs.

Another half pound down and considering that I injested a great deal of McDonalds yesterday to combat the booze sweats, this is yet another accomplishment. I also think it's the first time in about four years that I have been under 200 pounds for consecutive weeks, so there's that too!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. There Aren't Enough Hours in the Day
24 hours is not enough time to do all the things I want to do and need to do. That is exactly why I haven't been here in two whole days; the things I want to do (read: write posts here) get outweighed by the things I need to do (read: going to work) and as soon as I get home it's off to sleep, pretty much. Today is going to be interesting because we need to hit the Travel Agent to plan the wedding, but I also have to be at work earlier than normal and close the place tonight.

2. Back Behind The Bar
So I've been helping out on the bar at Montana's the last couple weeks - grabbing my own drinks and helping out when the bartenders get overrun with drinks to make and tables to cover. Friday night, one of our bartenders didn't show up for the 900th time and has now been 86'ed. Guess who they asked to take his place? Obviously, I accepted, as it's the same hours over less days and better money, though it does feel weird to be pouring draft again after more than a year away from the taps.

3. I Should Have Been Tending Bar From the Beginning
Why? Because I made as much money in one shift yesterday as I did working Tuesday, Thursday and Friday combined. Granted, I did work for ten hours, but still, making $150 bucks in one day is aces to me. Mix in a closing shift tonight and a couple more nights on the bar during the week and I could be looking at some pretty decent financial gains between now and the next installment of 10 Things.

4. Dark Knight = AWESOME!
Friday night was crap at The Cookhouse, which normally would make me angry. This week, however, it made me very,very happy as it meant that instead of having to wait until this coming Sunday to see The Dark Knight, we could take it in Friday night. And take it in we did, from the second row... for the 10:45 show... At 1:30 when we walked out of the theatre, I knew I had just finished watching my favourite movie of the year.

5. I'm Really Going to Miss Heath
Seeing the transformed Ledger deliver an amazing performance as The Joker only reminded me of how unfortunate it is that he died earlier this year. His Oscar win - and he will win - won't be because he passed away like some people will undoubtedly frame it, but because his performance was so captivating that you couldn't take your eyes away from him, even when he was just sitting there. We lost one of our generation's best when he died. It would have been incredible to see him continue to evolve as an actor because there is nothing he couldn't do on screen.

6. The List of Future Landing Zones
So Sarah has finally finished her resume and cover letters and is applying for jobs as we speak. The potential destinations of the future Mr. and Mrs. Kyte are: London, Kitchener-Waterloo, Hamilton, Grimbsy, Orillia and St. Catherines. We'll keep you posted on whether we're coming to a town near you...

7. No Longer Questioning My Coolness
A couple of weeks ago, I waxed poetically about whether the style of the time had passed me by. After a day spent shopping on Saturday, the answer is a resounding no... sort of. While the style of the time for teenagers and twentysomethings has passed me by, my style has grown up into much more classy and stylish attire and that is never a bad thing. I never would have imagined a time would come where I would pass up a search announcing my training as a ninja or one of goaltender Jesus making a brilliant grab that reads "Jesus Saves" in favour of a quasi-political, socially aware GAP Inspi(RED) t-shirt, but those days are here and I love them. Look Mom - my jeans aren't hanging off my ass cheeks any more.

8. Movie Lengths - An Opinion Piece
So the last two movies I've watched (Vantage Point and Dark Knight) had a time difference of nearly 90 minutes. Another way of looking at it is that I could have watched Vantage Point twice in the time I watched The Dark Knight, but I would never do that. What I don't get is why someone in Hollywood thinks 90 minute movies work. For the most part, they don't, unless they are cheese-tastic comedies with little to no plot. Vantage Point was rolling along nicely until it seems like they got near their 90 minute cap and ended it horribly. Like I've said since Friday night / Saturday morning - I would rather sit through nearly three hours of The Dark Knight and how no stone unturned than watch 90 minutes of uselessness that leaves me wondering why they left parts unfinished.

9. A T-Shirt, An Idiot and A Little Perspective
So I had a guy sit at one of my tables yesterday with a black t-shirt on that said "I Oppose Gay Marriage." Yesterday was the London Pride Parade, so it made a little sense. But this wasn't "here are my feelings on a t-shirt" in a nice, polite way; this was a biker dude who I also overheard using the words "faggots," "queers" and other slurs repeatedly. I actually asked if I could refuse to serve him. I was told no for the record. Anywho, I got to thinking as I dealt with him and his four neanderthal friends - social monogliods like them get to live their lives, hating people for who they love, believing in all their stereotypes and "we're better than everyone else" bullshit, so what the fuck is their problem with guys who like guys or girls who like girls? You don't see anyone walking around in "I Oppose Gay-Dashing Biker Morons" t-shirts...

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Week's Weight: 201 lbs.
Current Weight: 199 lbs.
So I've dropped two pounds - and not just overnight or anything. I've maintained the 199 for the most part over the course of the week and have now refined my training into a much more balance (read: no more near hernia-inducing overdoing of the ab portion of the program) routine where it's two on, one off, two on, two off and no body part gets overly taxed on back to back days. Five down, fourteen to go...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

It's been a strange and beautiful week, so let's get right to it, shall we?

1. Holy Shit I'm Outta Shape
If you've been here at all in the last seven days, you know this week was the kickoff of Operation: 185 and my foray into the Martin Rooney Training for Warriors program. Sweet merciful Christ I was sore on Tuesday and Wednesday. Turning the pages made me sweat, that's how out of shape I am. But so far, I've pushed through and haven't skipped a day yet.

2. I Don't Care for Brett Favre Anymore
D'you know who un-retires? My mom. Every May, she announces her retirement from the working world, spends the summer on the boat and then September rolls around and she's back looking for work. Both my mom and Brett Favre need to make a decision, one way or the other, and stick with it. This flip-flopping is just annoying.

3. Luke: Cool Hand, Iron Stomach
Not only is my dog indestructible like Matthew Good, but he can and will eat anything, literally. Except celery. Am I the only one who likes celery? This week, Luke has eaten half of his black blanket, a quarter of his white blanket, two pairs of socks (entirely), a bunch of rope and some newspapers. I'm torn between seeing what else the little trash compactor can eat and not wanting to be the guy that killed his dog by feeding him a pop can...

4. Garry Has a Girlfriend
I can't explain how beneficial it is to my life that my eventual father-in-law / current landlord has found himself a lady friend. Combined with his four day weekends every week between now and September, it means that the bulk of Garry's time will be spent in Midland. While I enjoy his company a great deal and we get along really well, we're too alike on too many things and that makes for random tension and no one needs that.

5. Welcome New Readers!
There is a possibility that some of the folks from Montana's will be stopping by this here site in the future and I figured I should welcome them to the fun. Anything to keep pumping those daily numbers - and my closely linked self-esteem - higher and higher.

6. Customers of the Week Update
I think karma kicked me in the ass last night at work, because after penning (keying??) yesterday's post on my awesome customers from earlier in the week, I had even more superstars last night. I got shutout again, had two tables of German traveler who I'm pretty sure thought the tip was included in the bill (read: I got peanuts from them too!) and someone complained about me for no real reason. At one point, I had delivered $110 worth of food and been rewarded with $1.00 in tips. Stupid karma...

7. Who'd Like to See a Movie I've Written?
Well it could be a possibility down the line as I began work this week on my submission for the Canadian Short Screenplay Competition. First prize is your movie getting made and some cash, but getting the movie made would be worth way more than any monetary sum. The deadline for submissions isn't until December, so this one is a long-term investment of time. As with everything, I'll keep you updated.

8. Polk-A-Roo Strikes Again!
So my friends Shelby and Mark have taken to calling Sarah Polk-A-Roo, since they have yet to meet her in the ten weeks that we've jointly resided in London. Then we found a perfect way to make it happen; we were going to join Shelby, Mark and her parents for dinner in Port Stanley before taking in the play she's directing that night. A really nice Thursday evening, I must say. Too bad Sarah can't go. Turns out this Thursday is the only day in the next two months where her "Four On, Five Off" Rotation at the hospital isn't in play. Damn that Polk-A-Roo!

9. Where Has The Year Gone?
It's July 13th.
When the fuck did that happen?
How have I been back in Ontario for three and a half months already?
The weeks honestly just fly by in a blur now...

10. Operation: 185 Update
When I started this last week, I weighed 204.
My current weight? 201.
It's been as low as 197.5 this week, but that was after a seven hour sweat-fest at Montana's with no dinner. Regardless, three pounds in the first week is pretty solid and very encouraging.

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Customers of the Week

I've been doing my fair share of working at the Cookhouse over the past couple weeks.

According to my review, I am a welcome addition to the group who is always very engaging and outgoing with customers and delivers outstanding service.

See Sarah - I'm not just full of myself...

Which makes these two sets of clowns even bigger douchebags in my books.

Last night, I got $0.00 from an older couple. I know the host didn't accidentally throw my money out - one had done so earlier in the night - because it was near the end of service and I was clearing my own tables by that point.

Now, I admit that their relatively small bill of $27.00 and change doesn't warrant a million dollar offering, but nothing? How brutal is that?

Not as brutal as the guy who was kind enough to take the tip money that his friend had left on the table off of the table - in front of me - on Monday night.

To my credit, I didn't drop what I was doing and rip his throat out with my bare hands, Roadhouse style. I should have. The police would have understood.

He was with a party of eight people in their mid-20s who couldn't decide how to split their bills.

Note: if you don't have friends who you can just say "I got this one, you get the next one" with on a $15 bill, you need new friends.

So after splitting the three pitchers of Keith's 7 WAYS and getting all eight people individual bills (and suckers), our hand-held debit machines started acting up. Basically, it told me the total left on the table was less than the actual amount remaining, so I had to deal with that.

It took about three minutes, during which time I apologized twice. As I was walking over to finalize the last transaction, fuckface looks me in the eyes, reaches over and picks up the money - a stack of coins, so maybe $3.00 - and slides it into his pocket.

Where I come from, that's cause for fisticuffs. I just stood there fuming...

Thankfully, there have been some actually great customers this week and I've been doing alright.

That being said, Saturday is usually the night of the cheapskates. This should be interesting.

Please tip your server...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. If I'm There, The Blue Jays Lose
I've gone to two Blue Jays games this year. Both times, they've lost and not heartbreaking, one run losses or anything like that either. We're talking "you know the game is over by the fifth inning" type losses where you stick around until the final out to hold out hope for a comeback even though all you know you're going to get is stuck in traffic. Further research is required though...

2. Want Wedding Info? Check Our Website
Instead of doing work last night, Sarah and I spent the better part of two hours building our wedding website. We'll be using it as our information center for all things wedding related, so if you want to know what's going on, read some stories from us or just look at some pictures and find out where we're going, drop by, fill out the Guest Book and enjoy.

3. Workload Increase
Ask and ye shall receive, I suppose. After being doled out one whole shift this week at Montanas, I talked with my managers and let them know that one shift wasn't going to cut it. Checked the schedule for next week and what do you know? Six shifts. Time to make me some money!

4. Speaking of Work...
Still awaiting word on a couple jobs that I applied for earlier in the month and lemme tell you how agonizing it is sitting here checking my email 496 times a day without any responses. One is the ultimate writing gig for a guy like me and the other is a full-time gig here in London that would pay pretty well for something I could do with my eyes closed. I'll keep you posted.

5. Luke Has Betrayed Me
My sidekick has abandoned me. He is officially Benedict Arnold, having switched sides and joined forces with Sarah. I'm still the one he comes to when it's time to wrestle or play "The Bite Game," but other than that, he's her dog now. What caused the change? They have a mutual affinity for sleeping as much as possible. Getting out of bed in the morning lost me my dog...

6. Seeing Francis & Sandra Leads to Car Problems
It's pretty shitty, but every time we visit with my best friend and his wife, something happens to the car we're driving in. It was leaving dinner with his family (including his missus) over Christmas when I battering rammed Bambi and now this past Monday, more vehicular issues. Twenty minutes into our drive to the booming metropolis of Beamsville, the muffler stopped doing it's job. After the noisiest drive in the history of drives, the fine folks at Honda informed us we need around $750 worth of work done on our $2500 car. Moral of the story - We're never seeing Francis and Sandra again!

7. Directionally Challenged, Part I
On our way back from the Honda dealership trip mentioned above, Sarah and I got separated. She went one way, I went the other. Unfortunately, she was the one who knew where she was going. Can I just say that feeling lost and having no idea where you are going is one of my least favourite feelings in the world. Sarah got home and MapQuest'ed my location; basically, I went the complete opposite direction. To my credit, I did find my own way home, thank you very much.

8. Directionally Challenged, Part II
I'm off work today. We're supposed to be going to an Engagement Party for Sarah's friend Erin who is getting married this September in Ottawa. The party was said to be somewhere around Cambridge. At least, that was what Sarah thought. Tottenham is nowhere near Cambridge. This is what happens when two girls who grew up in Vancouver haphazardly discuss party locales in Ontario and neither really looks at a map or the directions. Five hours of round trip driving for three hours of a party just didn't seem like a logical idea. So now I'm sitting here writing to you while Ponce de Leon does her homework on the bed.

9. I Know I Just Said This Yesterday, But...
I still can't get over the fact that (a) someone let Verne Troyer tape them having sex with him, (b) people are actually interested in seeing such a video and (c) someone let Verne Troyer tape them having sex with him! Didn't they see The Surreal Life where he rode around on his scooter loaded, pissing in the closet and groaning like an injured animal in his sleep? Fuct... we're all fuct!

10. Website Coming Soon
Me and my man Newt have gotten together to build a new site. More details to follow...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

This edition is coming to you far later than usual. Normally, Sunday's are an early morning type of day where I rattle this bad boy off somewhere around noon and the spend the day vegged on the couch. That didn't happen today, obviously.

Instead, I slept until somewhere around 1:00, went and got some Whopper World and another season of Friends with Sarah and crashed until heading to The Cookhouse. Now home and cooled, glass of Carolans in hand, we're ready to rock.

1. Tipping Isn't Rocket Science
Somehow, no one in the city knows how to tip. For that matter, no one who comes to Montana's whatsoever knows how to tip. There are the occasional exceptions to the rule, as always, but for the most part, I've spent this weekend being "7% Spence" and not due to poor service. For the record, 10% should be a bare minimum... tipping the tax is always good form and anything above that is aces. Leaving me $7.50 on a $100+ bill after I sang "The Montana's Birthday Song" to your 7-year-old daughter is just ignorant.

2. That Being Said, Business Has Been Good
The downside of working almost every Saturday and Sunday is that, well, I'm at work until 10 every Saturday and Sunday so there isn't a lot of time to do other things. The good thing, though, is that I've been doing real well lately. I've learned that the quicker I turn over tables, the more money I get (I never said I was bright people) and on those nights when I have a crappy section, I just serve the crap out of the tables I have. It's nice when a weekend of work can pay for a week of fun.

3. Let Fun Week Begin!
This week is officially Fun Week - Sarah and I have six of the seven nights off together and we've got some plans lined up for a couple nights already. Dinner and drinks with Francis and Sandra in Beamsville tomorrow night and the Jays game Friday, perhaps with Bucky and Beast. Worst case, we've got killer seats (Thanks Chris!) and will enjoy a little street meat pre-game before taunting Chipper Jones with calls of "Laaaaaary" all night. There are still some openings if anyone is looking for something to do this week...

4. New Project: The Love of Sports
Signed on with another site this week and I'm pretty excited about it. They remind of Bugs when we first started - very ambitious, great idea and no pay to speak of. Oh well, Bugs has worked out pretty damn well thus far, so why not roll the dice with another site during it's infancy?

5. Restaurant Etiquette - A Public Service Announcement
If you want your food forty-seven seconds after you've ordered it, go to McDonald's. At Montana's, we actually cook stuff from when you order it, so when you ask me three minutes after I've finished taking your party of 15's orders how much longer the kids burgers are going to take, don't be surprised when I give you the "Are you fucking kidding me?" stare...

6. Wedding Plans Have Hit a Snag
Apparently the resort we want to have our wedding at doesn't have year round flights in and out. Additionally, someone very important to the festivities can't come until after we've originally thought of having the event. Needless to say, a trip to the travel agent is on the docket for later this week... Details to follow.

7. So Much For My NBA Finals Prediction
Stupid Boston Stupid Celtics.

8. Nearly Two Years In, I'm Finally Going to Meet Sarah's Brother
Tim is heading this way in early July and after 23 months of dating his sister, we'll finally meet. We've talked a couple times and I know we have several things in common (love of soccer, Guinness, making fun of Sarah, etc.) so it should be all good. Plus, his coming means a trip to Wonderland and lemme tell ya, I love me some Wonderland. If anyone wants to go this summer, lemme know!

9. Cool Hand Luke Was Made For Us
There has never been a more perfect dog for the two of us than our newest family member. My sidekick sleeps all the time, will eat damn near anything and is super cool. See? Just like me and Sarah...

10. The Jays Are Screwed!
I came to the revelation a while ago, but the removal of John Gibbons for the triumphant return of Cito Gaston (???) showed me that the Jays have officially Jumped the Shark for the season. Much more on this topic at Bugs & Cranks, of course.

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Next Week Is Wide Open...

Rolled into work last night and took a look at the schedule for next week.

Let me preface what you're about to read with the fact that I took Saturday and Sunday off because we've got personal commitments on Sunday.

One shift.
Three hours.
Friday from 5:45-8:30.

What a bunch of bullshit! So I gave the shift away.

Why in the world would I sit around all week to go in for one, three hour shift on a night Sarah is off?

So that means next week is going to be a week of getting out and having some fun! Sarah is on Days Wednesday and Thursday, so we're actually going to get some quality time together.

She's on nights right now so days off are spent sawing logs with Luke... then I go to work an hour after she gets up.

But next week, it's all about getting out and having some fun, albeit it as inexpensive fun as humanly possible since I'm not making any money...

Book your visits now!

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Things Are Coming Together

I have to tell you - I'm really liking this new schedule that I'm on.

With Sarah being on days and the canine presence that lives in our room waking up somewhere around 5:30 every day, I generally start my day at around 6:30.

Coffee in one hand, Cool Hand Luke in the other, we walk Sarah to work and head home to truly begin our day. Just like Sarah, we too are still asleep as we walk to the hospital.

From here, things generally fall into a set routine:

• Crossword in the London Free Press
• Upstairs to the Office
• Check both my Hotmail Accounts and my Gmail account
  
• Read Bugs & Cranks
• Change my Fantasy Baseball Lineups
• Check Facebook
• Read ESPN and SI
• Check in here to see if anyone commented
• Quick re-check of Hotmail, Facebook and Gmail
• Sporadically check a couple other sites found in my list
  
• Write for whoever I have to write for that day

All that is usually done before 10 AM, which is just about time to take Luke for his second pee break of the day and when I need to reheat the coffee to get my fix.

By the time noon rolls around, I've generally got everything that I need to have done for the day crossed off the old list and have some time to kick back, watch TV, wrestle with the dog and relax before shipping out to work.

And even work fits into things pretty well.

Gone are the seven and eight hour days of sheer boredom at Blockbuster. In their place are quick 4-5 hour shifts making people laugh and hanging out at Montana's and I have yet to start a shift before 4:30 in the afternoon...

I'm averaging about $10/hour in tips per shift, which really isn't that bad and the violent tendencies that highlighted my time at Blockbuster have subsided. I still get a little pissy from time to time, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't.

Once I'm through the door, it's shower, eat something quick, watch a little TV, do a quicker version of the morning computer routine and battle it out with Luke about getting into his pen to go to bed for the night.

I'm getting seven hours of sleep a night, writing more than I ever have before, enjoy my job and am making extra money on top of my pay cheque.

Life... she's good!

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