Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's Christmas... Not Halloween

Just because the guy playing Santa Claus at the mall and his various "helpers" get to put on costumes and play dress-up this time of year, doesn't mean that normal, everyday people should follow suit.

We have a "holiday" for that, Halloween.

If you missed it, too bad; there are no do-overs.

Someone needs to have told that to the mid-20s girl Sarah and I just saw walking down the street as I drove her to work. Apparently, she missed the memo.

Much like Australian pseudo-celeb Sophie Monk above, this poor girl was sporting a white halo and a pair of white wings... on top of her jeans, beige sweater and a giant misunderstanding smile.

See - she thought all the people driving by looking at her were discussing how adorable she looked and what a great idea it was.

Unfortunately, there were thinking the same thing as Sarah and I:

What the fuck? It's Christmas - Not Halloween.

I know it doesn't snow out here, so it can be a little confusing.

Hopefully, someone bought this genius a calendar for Christmas... and maybe a mirror, you know, so she can see how ridiculous she looks before she leaves the house.

Happy Ho Ho Everyone...

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I So Confused

D'you know what my new favorite thing this holiday season is?

Constant job postings for positions that either (a) don't exist or (b) aren't being hired until 2010.

Nothing like giving a guy a glimmer of hope only to kick him in the crotch shortly thereafter.

The same restaurant here in Victoria has officially posted - on the Services Canada Job Bank - the same position three different times in the last four weeks.

I've applied... twice.

Last week - the second time I applied - I sent my resume via email to the contact person, since going into the restaurant and speaking with one of the managers didn't seem to work.

Wrote a charming email (as you would expect) and even reminder her how easy it would be to remember my name, as her last name is Spencer. Witty, I know.

The result? Nothing...

So I just got off the phone with her, seeing as said position is once again on the Job Bank. Turns out they're just collecting resumes and have no real idea when they will actually be hiring.

Here's a novel idea - instead of posting that the position is needed to start immediately, hows about mentioning that you're just collecting resumes so I don't think I am the least skilled waiter in the world or my references are sabotaging me for their own amusement!

Also awesome is the always enjoyable, "Gimme a day or two to talk to our Front of House Manager and I'll get back to you" I've also received from another restaurant who has numerous postings littered all over the web.

That was a week ago.

What makes it all the more pleasurable is that I currently work with said GM's close friend who knows I've applied and desperately want to stop working nine hour shifts picking produce. Nothing makes me feel all the more wanted than knowing the GM and his friend have discussed me on a number of occasions only to have my phone consistently not ring.

Boo - urns!

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Saturday, December 5, 2009

Oprah Quits... But Not Until Next Year

In all honesty, I've been meaning to write this one for some time.

As many of you know, Oprah has announced that she is ending her show to concentrate on other projects. As you also know, the announcement came with a "at the end of next year" attached to the back end.

Basically, Oprah is giving everyone ample warning that she will be leaving, so they can get their lives in order to carry on without her... and shower her with praise and affection for the next year.

While that is not the real reason, it certainly seems that way, and has for every celebrity and athlete who has done the same "this is my last year" farewell tour over the span of my life. I just don't see the point of announcing you're leaving a year in advance other than to drum up recognition and attention.

A gazillion people already watch Oprah, so it's not like those of us who don't routinely tune her in each day are suddenly going to stop what we're doing and watch her show this year.

She's not moving to a remote island, never to be heard from again; she turning the lights off on her show to focus on her television network... so she's still going to be on TV.

So what is the real motivation behind giving everyone the head's up?

Personally, I think part of the answer is that last show of each month will become some overblown excuse to give everyone in the audience a bazillion dollars worth of merchandise because "it's my last January show ever."

The Oprah's Favorites shows have always astounded me in the same way Extreme Makeover: Home Edition drives me nuts.

If you can convince that many companies to give away that much crap a couple of times each year, couldn't you be giving it to someone more deserving and needy that an audience full of suburban homebodies?

When it comes to calling it a career, I'm a John Elway kind of guy; go out on top, but do it without a big farewell tour.

Don't hold a teary press conference three separate times blubbering about how you just don't have it in you to play football anymore or give your fans a year to shower you with affection before you go.

Walk off into the sunset and let the adulation follow; otherwise you end up having 13 "Farewell Tours" like Cher... and that doesn't look good on anybody, not even Cher.

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tiger Woods: Great at Golf, Stupid at Life

Everyone else in the world is talking Tiger right now, so I might as well chime in too.

Tiger Woods is arguably the greatest golfer to ever play the game.

He's the first billion-dollar athlete, has endorsements out the back nine, an impeccable smile and it seems about as much smarts as a sack of marbles.

This will not be a lecture about infidelity; the shit happens and that's life. It sucks, I don't condone it, but such is life.

Instead, let's focus on how cosmically retarded a mistake this is for Tiger.

First off, look at Elin.

If you're married to some horrible hosebeast with wonky eyes, a collection of some'r teeth and more facial hair than you have, seeing what else is available at least seems somewhat understandable.

However, when you're married to a smokin' hot Swedish chick who you were set up with because she used to be Jesper Parnavick's nanny, you're not going to be trading up any time soon.

Cheating on a woman as ridiculously attractive as Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) is like marrying George Clooney and then having an affair a few years in...

Two - you're worth someone in the neighborhood of a bazillion dollars.

D'you know what happens if she decides your philandering ways are more than she cares to put up with anymore?

You become worth closer to a billion dollars because she's getting a large portion of whatever isn't protected in a pre-nup and so much money every month that you'll need Brinks to drop it by the house for her.

Now, going from a bazillion to a billion isn't the end of the world, I'll admit, but I got $27.00 to my name and couldn't imagine parting with $13.50, so half a bazillion has got to hurt a little.

Comment the Third: You're Tiger effin' Woods!

Seriously - if just about every unknown schmuck in the world who runs around on the missus ends up getting caught in one way or another, how in the fuck did you expect this to end?

The chippy (chippies?) on the side we're just going to say thanks and laugh about it over wine with their friends, never expecting a dime?

Are you kidding me? You're Tiger effin' Woods... if you accidentally brushed against my wife's ass I would be trying to get a couple hundred grand out of you, so how much do you think the side bets are trying to score now?

Maybe instead of spending so much time on the practice range, Tiger should have, I dunno, smartened the fuck up...

Cheating is wrong and bad and shitty.

How he possibly thought this would end any other way is beyond me.

Somewhere, he accountant is ready to drive Tiger's balls... and I ain't talkin' golf.

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