Blogs About Dogs and Unreturned Inquires

This is my dog, Luke.

If you've been here before, you've heard a thing or two about him. Little man is my canine sidekick and I wouldn't want it any other way.

As it turns out, Victoria has a pretty healthy pug population; from Chili upstairs to the two puggles who avoided Luke like the plague at the Dog Park yesterday, they seem to be everywhere, including in the newspaper.

Well, at least on the newspapers website.

Adventures with Ollie is an entertaining blog written by Adrian Chamberlain, chronicling the hilarity and odd moments that are present through his pug, Ollie.

In just over a week of being here and knowing about the blog, both Sarah and I are fans. Additionally, I'm jealous as hell.

Seriously, the guy is living my dream; getting paid to write about the ridiculous things that his overweight animal companion does on an irregular basis. All that is missing for his situation to turn into my version of paradise is a bottomless keg of Guinness and a plate of chicken wings.

What makes it all the more awesome for me - and yes, when I say "all the more awesome," I mean "a massive kick in the cujones" - is that this is the same newspaper who wouldn't even send me a "thanks, but we're in no way interested in your thoughts on MMA" email when I inquired about doing some pro bono blogging for them before moving out here.

The Adventures with Ollie blog certainly gives me hope that one day I will be able to fully live the dream, spending my days in my sweatpants while making money for my trivial thoughts on everything from the latest Kate Gosselin to the Georges St-Pierre signing a sponsorship deal with Under Armour Underwear.

It also makes me want to tear my own eyes out, since blogs about overweight dogs dressed as bees for Halloween gets coverage galore but the fastest growing sport in the world can't even get me a "piss off, rookie!" response...

Maybe I should write more about Luke and less about Brock Lesnar?

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Things I Learned This Week

1. Our Movers Suck!

First, they agree to a date for pickup. Then they tell us we're going to have to change that to accommodate their schedule. We sort things out, come to a compromise and our things get put on a truck.

Seven days later, they're still not here and the phone call we were told we'd get today as an update still has materialized.

For anyone out there considering a move, especially one of a great distance and with time constraints, this is why you pay the extra money to go with one of the big boys... you get your stuff when on time.


2. Maybe We Shouldn't Travel

The more I think about it, the more I realize that every trip we plan to make has some element of frustration beyond the usual, acceptable "sat next to a guy who smelled funny on the plane" type of annoyances.

In the last two years, we've had an appendix up-end Christmas in Vancouver, a collision with a deer derail a road trip back to Newfoundland, headaches galore with our wedding in the Dominican and the current travel situation that has us living like squatters with nothing more than an air mattress and the clothes on our backs.

Something tells me we need to take a break from trying to go places and just enjoy exploring the surroundings of Victoria.

3. Trying to be a Better Person

I've had a lot of windbags chiming in on pieces over at Bleacher Report lately, launching personal attacks at me and others just for the sake of having something to say, and I just don't get it.

What good comes from pissing in someone's cereal or calling someone "trailer trash" when you actually know very little about them? We're all guilty of it at one point or another, myself included, but I'm doing my best to stop. I really just don't see the point.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions and can think whatever they want about just about anyone. But if all you can add to the conversation is namecalling and nonsense, why open your mouth in the first place? Because really, none of us are perfect...

4. Liking Victoria

This is exactly the type of city for me; lots to do, the things I like and want in close proximity and plenty of space and scenery to enjoy all rolled into one.

Instead of having to drive 30 minutes to buy clothes from the terrific trio of Zellers, Wal-Mart or Superstore, I can drive ten minutes, roam through all kinds of quality stores in the mall and pick up a Starbucks while I'm there... stopping on the way home to grab some sushi.

I get why some people love quiant little places like Kimberley as much as they do; it's a great town, just not for me. I need life, some traffic and options on every corner and so far, Victoria is coming through in spades.

5. Future YouTube Sensation

One of these days, I'm going to bring my camera outside and tape Luke wrestling with Chili, the pug from upstairs.

It's priceless and if David After the Dentist and Charlie Bit My Finger can become YouTube sensations, than Pug MMA can certainly follow suit, especially if I can capture the times that Chili bites onto Luke's chubby little cheeks and starts dragging him off the concrete and back onto the grass.

Seriously, it's hilarious... you'll see.

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Settled Into An Unsettled Situation

So we've landed in Victoria, found our place and spent the better part of a day dealing with the wonderful situation that is being completely unsettled.

Honestly, we shouldn't have spent those extra two days in Vancouver, as there is just so much running around that comes with moving to yet another new house that needs to get done, that getting here Monday afternoon would have made much more sense.

Good ol' hindsight...

The Positives

• Landlords are great, as is their dog Chili; he and Luke are already best friends
• Starbucks is around the corner - perfect distance to be a reward at the end of a walk...
• Sushi joints everywhere
• Internet and such is all set up and super fast
• House is going to work just fine, once our stuff arrives

The Negatives

• Stuff isn't here yet, so we don't know for sure if everything is going to fit
• Car needed fixing the minute we got here; nothing like an unexpected $300 to kick off a move
• Chapters is miles away
• Uncertainty doesn't sit well with the missus, but she's doing okay

The most interesting bit of uselessness thus far has to be the design of our suite. Monica, if you're reading this, do not take it as a slight on you and Derek... like I said at the start, you're awesome.

But whoever turned this basement into a rental unit was certainly smoking some crack when they decided it would be a good idea to leave half a staircase intact in the middle of our main living area.

The ceiling is all closed in, you can't see where the rest of the steps would lead, yet we've still got ten steps leading to absolutely nowhere taking up what would be an ideal place for our big-ass couch in the middle of our living room.

I suppose I could use them to do step aerobics or something...

Hopefully, everything gets here on Saturday as scheduled, so Sarah and I can get stuff organized and I can spend Sunday alternating between unpacking and watching football, because you know the TV is going to be the first thing I hook up.

If not, be prepared for a whole lot of entries here on iBlog, because there is only so much time I can spend staring at the stairs...

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Things I Learned This Week

1. They Invented Shovels for a Reason

So we got our first set of snowfalls this week; nothing massive, but enough for the complex groundskeeper to have to do a little bit of snow removal. With the stairs covered in snow, I fully expected to see him, shovel in hand, taking care of the early white annoyance.

But that would only make sense. After all, why should I expect said lazy, useless groundkeeper to do anything the right way after watching him take four days to mow the grass all summer? Even though shovels were designed specifically for the purpose of snow removal, do you know what this rocket surgeon was rocking?

A leaf blower. You read that right - a goddamn leaf blower. Needless to say, the stairs still have snow caked on them.

2. Even Luke Isn't Interested in an Early Winter

Though he quite enjoyed playing in the snow last winter, like us, the canine component of the house was thoroughly unimpressed with the snow that fell this week.

After about two energetic frolics through the fluffy, white powder, Luke had had enough. He sticks to the road and concrete as much as possible, lifts alternating paws out of the cold when he is forced into the snow and has no real interest in spending more time outside than is absolutely necessary.

Basically, he's the canine equivalent of yours truly.

3. There Are Some Awful Football Teams This Year

While I completely enjoy quiet Sundays on the couch watching football while Sarah slugs it out at the hospital, what's a brother gotta do to get a decent game on the television? Why in the name of all things holy would I have any interest in watching the Oakland Raiders?

Option #2 for an early game was Dallas at Kansas City, which is marginally better than watching the Raiders, except that I absolutely hate the Dallas Cowboys and listening to Troy Aikman make excuses for his former team.

Detroit actually looks decent compared to St. Louis, and don't even get me started on Cleveland and Buffalo... yeech!

4. The Blueprint 3 is...

Insert your own superlative of choice: awesome, dope, bananas (B-AN-AN-AS), classic, dynamic, whatever you'd like.

I know I told you all about it a few weeks ago when "Run this Town" appeared in the Soundtrack, but the fact that I went out and actually bought the CD should tell you the level of smooth this album possesses.

"Empire State of Mind" is ridiculous.

5. Making Moves, Part 193

It probably seems to you that ever week is met with a new update on the status of my writing career, but the truth is that every week offers something new.

For one, the Keyboard Kimura interview curse was broken last night at WEC 43 when Scott Jorgensen dropped Noah Thomas in the first round. Add to that someone new taking over the top spot on the Bleacher Report MMA Writer Rankings (read: little ol' me) and the fact that I am in the process of interviewing Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida, and I'd say there has been some new things learned on the writing front this week.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone... enjoy the turkey sweats!

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The Rundown: Countdown to Victoria

Now that we've found a place and confirmed moving dates with the the guys who are hauling our stuff to the island, all that is left to do is pack and think about all the things I'm looking forward to with this move to Victoria.

While I'm certainly going to miss aspects of life here in Kimberley, the simple truth of the matter is that despite my one year sabbatical to the quiet outdoors of British Columbia, I'm a city boy at heart and Victoria has more of what I'm looking for.

What are those things? Keep reading because they're the topic of today's Rundown.

Top 5 Things I'm Looking Forward to About Victoria

5. SUSHI
I don't think I can say this enough - I love sushi!

As much as the drive to Fernie makes for a nice evening out with the wife, spending three hours in the car to enjoy my favorite food just isn't worth it. Instead of having sushi once in a blue moon, we'll be able to walk around the corner and pick up dinner whenever we want.

Fast food will be a thing of the past; sushi will replace all on-the-fly meals and that is absolutely awesome.

4. BEST FRIEND FOR LUKE
This may sound silly to some, but since we aren't at the "having kids" stage of life, Cool Hand Luke gets treated like our child and everyone wants their kids to have friends.

With this move, the little puggy bastard will have a built in best friend right upstairs. The little ball of energy will be able to hop out into our fenced backyard and hang out with Chili, our landlord's pug.

While we'll certainly still play "The Bite Game" and go for some marathon walks to tire him out, it's going to be real nice to just open the door and let him expend some energy without having to stop everything to entertain the dog.

3. COVERING LIVE MMA EVENTS
In addition to making a long weekend out of the UFC's proposed trip to Vancouver this coming summer, Victoria is home to Armageddon Fighting Championships.

Being able to get out and cover events in person will be a great way for me to continue my development as an MMA writer and foster some new relationships within the industry.

Maybe the newspaper will be interested in having someone cover these events for them...

2. BETTER OPPORTUNITIES FOR SARAH
I love my jobs and I want the same for my wife.

Right now, she hates work and it's making her question her chosen career path. That makes me angry.

Hopefully, this move to a bigger and better hospital with actual opportunities for growth and improvement, not to mention support and stronger management, will result in a renewed faith in her abilities as a nurse and a long and fruitful career of helping others.

1. CIVILIZATION
Shopping. Restaurants. Museums. Movie Theatres.

Nothing personal Kimberley, but having a choice between buying my clothes at Wal-Mart, Zellers or Superstore just doesn't cut it for me.

I need a place with malls and stores and more than four restaurants and a big-ass movie theatre that shows all the new movies and museums and Chapters and Starbucks...

You get the point.

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It's Official...

Victoria, here we come!

While the move was official a couple weeks ago when Sarah secured a job, you can never be 100% until you find a place to call home and over the last 18 hours, we've done just that.

If I may say so myself, it's going to be awesome.

Why?

For starters there are two bedrooms, which means world headquarters of ESKimo Enterprises will exist in their own separate space, as opposed being situated in the living room.

It's on the ground floor with a fenced backyard, so late night pee breaks for a certain hyper-active pug will involve opening a door instead of dragging my lazy ass off the couch for a stroll in the darkness.

We're not too far from Sarah's new hospital, there are a number of restaurant / pubs in the area where I can drop off resumes and our landlords, who will be living upstairs, seem absolutely great.

But the best part of all... they have a pug!

While Sarah and I will still have to work on making friends, Luke will have a built-in playmate and sparring partner right upstairs in the form of his new pal Chili.

There were certainly some other option, but this one just made the most sense, being in town and close to everything we want and need, including sushi.

Chili was the clincher.

I just hope he and Luke get along, although two pugs wrestling it out for ownership of the backyard could make for an awful cute YouTube video down the road...

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Camping Revelations

That is absolutely not a shot from our recent camping excursion, but I thought I would get you all in the mood for sharing stories around the fire with a quality picture before breaking down the trip that was.

Now that everyone is all warm and toasty, settled in nice and close, here's a recap of our first family foray into the wilderness.

We Need to Plan Better
You always forget things when you're going camping. It's inevitable. Forgetting as many things as we did is a little embarrassing.

Toothpaste would have been nice, but as unhygienic as it sounds, you can go 24 hours without brushing your teeth and survive. Additionally, pillows make sleeping far more pleasurable, but my balled up hoodies worked out just fine.

The cap for the air mattress was kind of essential, seeing as the air can't remain in the mattress sans cap. Bringing our flashlights would have helped too.

Thankfully, Crappy Tire was just 10 minutes away and $100 later, we were far more equipped.

Luke Is Not An Outdoor Dog
He's also apparently not a dog who adjusts to change very well. To put it another way, this little mongrel is a spoiled brat and I love him for it.

The dude likes to nap, a lot, and that just didn't happen on this trip. Every noise is amplified when you don't have the usual din of the outside world playing as a backing track, so homeboy went bananas at just about everything.

Couple that with a lack of an afternoon spent out cold on the couch, despite Sarah and I relaxing with a couple books in the tent for a good two hours and we had one sleepy dog upon our return.

Just Because You Have a Guitar, Doesn't Mean You're a Singer-Songwriter
The family in the space just down the road from us arrived as we were sitting around our fire eating dinner, and I immediately noticed a guitar case. Instantly, I got nervous.

My worries were realized at around 10:00 pm when Sarah and I rolled into the tent to a pitchy chorus of some homemade song by what I imagine was a 14-year-old girl whose parents tell her she can be the next Avril Lavigne.

Thankfully, the pain stopped shortly thereafter and no, it's not because I went down there, broke her guitar and threw it in the fire.

That was only going to happen if she kept playing after "Quiet Hours" started.

E. Spencer Kyte - Firemaker
For a guy who spent exactly zero days of his childhood camping and being shown how to do anything camp-related, I can make me a mean fire.

I had us a flaming pile of wood in no time flat, complete with quality embers for cooking dogs and making smores right out of the gate. Self-praise aside, my prodigious firemaking talent wasn't the highlight of the campfire.

Watching my moron of a dog jump and try to catch ashes floating off the wood is damn-near priceless. He also does it with smoke from mosquito coils... nothing like free entertainment!

Family Hobby #1 - Check!
Sarah loves camping and has been doing it her entire life. She literally camped all around Europe with her brother Tim at the outset of that fateful summer when we met.

And considering how relaxed I have felt for the last 36 hours or so, and how much I enjoy burning things, I would have to say that camping certainly agrees with me. Combine those two elements with the vast amounts of money we've spent on camping gear leading into this trip, and you have the makings of something that will certainly become a family staple moving forward.

Maybe we'll even have to retrace Tim and Sarah's trek around Europe before a crop of kidlings come along?

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Things I Learned This Week

1. This Place Confuses Me
Last week was Accordion Fest, this week is Julyfest, highlighted by drunken bocce ball. How are either of these big draws? It's not like there is a massive bocce league here either; this is a one-off weekend of excitement before the lawn bowling gear goes back in the garage. So very, very weird to me...

2. I'm Glad I'm Old
Seeing all the insanity up here this weekend, not to mention colleagues coming to work hung to the gills or worse, I'm pretty glad that my "drink-til-you-puke" days are far behind me. While I still like to sip a few suds on the deck or around a fire, getting wasted until the middle of the morning has no appeal to me whatsoever. Hell, I was in bed at 11:00 last night!

3. My Dog is Sick
I don't know what I'm going to do when I have kids and they're sick, because Cool Hand Luke has a cold and I don't want to leave his side. The poor bastard was puking and hacking yesterday and there is nothing I can do. Can you imagine how helpless I'm going to feel with kids?

4. The Amount I Write Surprises People
I've been on Bleacher Report for 23 days and in that time, I've published 37 articles. Apparently that's a lot because my profile wall is covered in congratulatory comments about "really cranking them out" and being "on a tear" and whatnot. I don't see the big deal. I write Keyboard Kimura every day, it gets imported to Bleacher Report, easy as that. Maybe I've mixed in a couple more original pieces here and there, but really, I still think I'm being kind of lazy.

5. Should This Writing Thing Not Work Out
I'm really going to buy a bar and make millions. I even know where I'm going to put it. Right here in Kimberley! This town is in serious need of a classier joint where you can get great food, sit on a nice patio and not have last call come at 11:45 p.m. and one of these days, someone else is going to realize that and make themselves a whole whack of cash.

That's about it for this week.

Time to walk the sick little dog and then head off to work... Happy Sunday, bitches!

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Things I Learned This Week

Notice the title isn't 10 Things I Learned This Week ... the winds of change are blowing through iBlog.

1. I Should Have Been Posting on Bleacher Report Months Ago
The only way to build a following is to get your work to the greatest number of people imaginable and see what happens. That was my reasoning for starting to post on Bleacher Report; that and syndication on CNNSI, but still. In the short period of time I've been there, my work is getting read with increased frequency and comments are pouring in. And Press Credentials have already been offered to me too ...

2. Truly Freelance
Not only am I a freelance writer, turns out I'm a freelance bartender as well. Worked a wedding last night for a friend of my boss and in the process, I picked up another wedding for the same crowd later in the summer. Even if its half as easy and half as lucrative as last night, it will surely be better than a night at Kelsey's.

3. My Dog is Growing Up
He sleeps in his own bed now, without quarrel and without being forcibly directed to his kennel. In other news, my wife and I can actually cuddle in bed again for the first time in over a year.

4. Getting Closer to Completion
My man Newt has been working on a site for me for some time now and we're getting close to breaking it out. It'll be a one-stop shopping center for all things E. Spencer Kyte, including both iBlog and Keyboard Kimura. Hopefully we'll be rolling it out soon.

5. Booster Juice Might Bump Starbucks for the Summer
I love coffee, but summer is a time for refreshing, not overly-caffeinated hot beverages, so a switch to Booster Juice stops before running around in Cranbrook could be in order. Not only is it a more refreshing and cooling choice, the store is right there across the parking lot from SuperStore meaning we use less gas. For the record, Brazilian Thunder is the pick.

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The Rundown: While I Wait

I actually did it.

Yesterday afternoon, I sat at this computer and sent off 13 query emails to literary agencies to see if they were interested in being interested in my book. Now, I wait.

If you know me at all, you know that patience isn't one of my virtues. In fact, I think I've written about my ridiculous lack of said virtue here before. That means this next six to eight week stretch is going to be awful trying and I apologize to Sarah in advance for being a neurotic jackass who checks his email 497 additional times a day (for a grand total of 872) just in case someone got back to me.

Clearly, I'm going to need things to occupy my time. I'll run them down after the jump...


Top 5 Distractions to Keep Me From Checking My Email

5. Freecell
I've actually started with this one and have racked up 10 consecutive wins - without "undoing" a bunch of shitty moves to help myself either. I can usually get through four or five games before I am bored and itching to check Hotmail, so this one will be the early morning / late at night distraction.

4. Work
I never thought I would say this, but thankfully I have to be at Kelsey's a great deal over the next month. If I'm there than I can't be here checking my email. Of course, I have my phone synced up to my email account and I can certainly check it there, but hopefully I'll be too busy to remember.

3. Luke
The little tyrant is going to be getting walked and wrestled with more than he had ever imagined in the next couple weeks. A trip out with Cool Hand Luke can last 30 minutes easy and far more if we go for an "off the leash" trek somewhere, while "The Bite Game" is another solid 15 minutes of pre-occupation for the both of us. Any time I'm not in this chair is time I'm not checking my Inbox.

2. Writing
I know - if I'm writing, I'm sitting at the computer and that is like leaving a case of beer in front of an alcoholic. I get that, but I also know that a lot of the time when I sit down to write, I lose myself in what I am doing and nothing else matters. Besides, the more time I spend writing, the more months I can knock off the "Completed manuscript can be submitted within..." section of the proposal and something tells me a quick turnaround will help sell this book.

1. Reading
I can't believe I haven't read a single book since we've been back from the Dominican. Not one. Granted, the only bookstore around seems to carry absolutely nothing of value or interest and I doubt the Kimberley library is packed with titles I'm looking for, but still. I gotta get my hands on Forrest Griffin's Got Fight? and go from there. Anyone interested in helping preserve my sanity who would like to ship it to me, drop me a line and I'll get you the address.

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Cool Hand Luke: Bear Hunter

So we're out walking the loop at the Nordic Trails yesterday evening with the dog. It's a great place because it's an even surface for everyone to walk on and the scenery is great.

Plus, we can let the little mongrel off the leash so he can do some running and get some needed exercise.

About five minutes into our walk, Luke perks up like he does whenever he's noticed something in the woods. Something usually means an animal, be it deer, squirrel, gopher, bird or whatever and he's generally wise smart enough to know that (a) he's seen one of those before so it's no big deal and (b) I really shouldn't chase after that because the parents tend to get angry-slash-scared.


Not this time though. This time it was something new and needed to be investigated.

So off went our dog, darting through some fallen trees chasing after an animal that Sarah and I had yet to see and identify.

Twelve seconds later, the yelling started, pleaded with our pug to come back. He was chasing a brown bear.

Now, this wasn't a full-grown adult bear, but even this cub could have mauled our dog and that is all that went through our heads as we heard and watched our dog working his way towards his new friend. Then the strangest thing happened...

The bear started running away. From Luke. Who wasn't even barking or anything.

Realizing the fear in our voices and having watched the bear scamper away faster than he could manage, Luke returned to us with new found confidence and energy. It was as if he knew that he had just chased off a bear, something that really shouldn't have happened. I mean, since when are bears or any kind afraid of yappy little pug dogs?

The rest of the trip was uneventful - in part because we didn't see any more bears (or animals at all for that matter), but also because the canine explorer and bear hunter was secured to his leash.

It's been almost 24 hours since this happened and I still can't stop laughing about it.

My stupid dog chased after a brown bear in the bear's natural surroundings and the bear took off like a bat outta hell.

No wonder he thinks he's indestructible.

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Hobo Update: Kyte's Dog Rescue

Earlier in the week, I introduced you to my new neighbour, Captain Hobo who had a predilection for letting the dogs of the house run free with the back door open for their convenience.

Yesterday, I went to take my canine sidekick for a walk when I found Jake, the golden retriever who lives downstairs, sitting by his front door, no owners in site.

Me and the pug did our 30 minute lap and returned to find Jake still sitting out front. Not wanting to be the guy who overreacts to the dog sitting out front of his own house, Luke and I had a little visit, ran around in the backyard for a bit and brought Jake back to his front door to await his owners.

When Sarah called to say she was on her way home, I told her about Jake and we agreed that if he was still outside when she got home - 90 minutes after my initial visit - we'd bring him upstairs for some food and water.

Sure enough, Jake came barreling over to the car when Sarah pulled in and he came to check out our house for a while.

We left a note on the door and began to wait. And wait. And wait.

Three full hours after I'd first encountered the stranded dog there was a knock at the door. Jake's owners "girlfriend" - a.k.a. the Hobo's daughter - was aghast that the dog had been outside, swearing that she had closed all the doors with him safe in the house.

Now I'm no genius, but as far as I know, dogs can't twist doorknobs and let themselves outside. Maybe if it was a handle and he could push down on it, but without a thumb, there is no twisting of doorknobs going on.

That means, whenever she left for work - and she works at the golf course, so it had to be at somewhere around 4:00 at the latest - Jake made his way outside without her knowing and spent the better part of the afternoon chillin' without a house to relax in.

Now, it's only been a week and I don't want to rush to judgment or anything, but unless the guy who actually lives in the condo below us - the apparent boyfriend of Little Miss Lost Dog - comes home soon, it's going to be a long summer dealing with mongoloids who don't know how to look after one of the sweetest dogs I've ever met.

Next time this happens - and I'm betting there will be a next time - I'm charging them $10 an hour for room and board.

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Meet My New Neighbour

Sweet sign aside, I think this guy might be squatting in the condo below us.

The early morning wake-up dog took to busting my chops first thing this morning, so we rolled out behind the building to handle our business. As we got close to the condo below us, two things were very noticeable.

1) There was a horrible 80s tiger-face blanket (you know the ones I'm talking about) strewn across the hot tub, as well as some Zig Zags and Export A Green Death tobacco and

2) The back door was slightly ajar.

I learned this last one because a new dog that I had never seen before came out to say hi to Luke. Then the dog that lives there from time to time came out and all three played for 37 seconds before my faithful sidekick decided to explore the new territory.

In he went, checking out the smells of a new house, only to let out a bark two seconds in. Now, he barks at a lot of things - animals, cars passing by, the vibrating Ladybug massage thing I tease him with - but when he's in close quarters, it's only strange people that make him yap.

Sure enough, the above pictured hobo ushered him out the door and started to strike up a conversation.

Now, I'm pretty certain that the guy who actually lives in that condo - sporadically, granted, but still - wouldn't leave his dog with just anyone, so the dude is clearly not a hobo, but you wouldn't know it from our initial interaction.

I mean, he asked if the dog that wasn't his lived there. Nope, he just opened the door and got himself some food before you came around.

He asked what gets poop out of the carpet. Thankfully, he specified it was the dog's, but my response of "carpet cleaner" was met with "I was just gonna vacuum it," so I certainly wasn't in the presence of a MENSA member.

I like to think I have a pretty good handle on feeling out social situations. I can spot an awkward moment a mile away. This guy? Not so much.

When I'm putting my dog back on the leash, collecting his daily donation to the fertilizer fund and trying to walk away as quickly as humanly possible, stop asking me questions about whether I know your daughter, Camille, who apparently "stays here" and talking to me about the weather.

No one "stays here" except Sarah and me. Seriously, we're the only long-term, year-round tenants up here. Even the guy who stays in the condo below us doesn't "stay here" routinely, so how can this hobo's daughter?

I would have thought living in the highest rent district available in town would have meant a distinct lack of hobo presence in my 'hood.

Turns out, I was wrong.

And no, I don't have $4 for your karate lessons.

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The Picture Says It All

From a work perspective, the picture couldn't be more appropriate.

None of this should surprise me, mind you, since having everything going well in my life is like Ralph Wiggum failing English... unpossible.

Nope, got the family thing down, got the house, got the dog, all that is great.

Work? Work sucks, on all fronts.

Anti-Ski Season has begun in earnest at Kelsey's meaning I have no shifts. Zero. Not a one this week. I had one, but it was on Monday, you know, when I was still in Ontario. Awesome.

Now I knew that spring - slash - summer would mean a decrease in customers and therefore hours, but five hours a week just doesn't cut it. I know they'll be more down the road a couple weeks from now and that's great, but in the meantime, there are some hard pills to swallow.

Like the fact that I was hired as a full-time bartender. I'm basically a casual server right now, so this stings.

Not as much as seeing the mouth-breathers who clearly hate their job getting four shifts a week while I sit by the phone hoping someone comes down with the Swine Flu so I can work a couple extra hours.

What makes it all worse is that The Love of Sports looks like it's coming to an end too.

The paycheck that was promised when I took on the editorial position lasted two months and now we're at another "crossroads" with a directional change impending. That change is to less content and more of a focus on mediocre shit from what I have seen since I came home from the Dominican.

Neither of which are very appealing to me at this stage of my stagnant career.

The only good thing, the one silver lining, is that I will have a load of free time on my hands from the looks of things. Time that can be used to finally get off my ass and get a book proposal written and sent off to every publishing house in the country, as well as some in the nearby States like Montana and Washington.

And as if the day didn't suck enough before, we forgot to take the garbage out when we ran into town to get the mail and Senor Pug Dog destroyed another green garbage bag all over the kitchen.

Super!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Am I Unemployed?
Honestly, it feels a little that way, seeing as I worked three shifts at the bar this week and have only one this coming week. Granted, we're closed tomorrow and I've booked Sunday off for our trip, but still. Seems we planned this vacation at just the right time.

2. One More Game...
My Tar Heels have made it to the National Championship game and history is on our side. They crushed Michigan State on the same floor at the start of the year and while MSU was without one of their starters, he doesn't contribute the 30 point difference in the final score.

3. One More Week...
Then we leave for Ontario, do some shopping, do some relaxing and then head South. After all the headaches and all the frustrations, it's nice to be this close to everything finally coming together and working out. Sadly, I won't be able to let you know how it all turns out until after I get home.

4. I Know I Had a Fiancee Around Here Somewhere
Sarah and I have been on complete opposites lately and I barely get to see her. It's weird; we say hi in the morning when she gets off nights and bye in the evening when she's heading back in. Other than that, she's sleeping when I'm up and vice versa. This is another reason this vacation is so needed... I need to spend time with the wife!

5. How Am I Going to Leave This Dog?
With Sarah and I being on opposites, me and Cool Hand have rekindled our best friend relationship and I have no idea how I'm going to go without my ridiculously cute and entertaining Pug for almost three weeks. Any suggestions?

6. People See What They Want to See
Seems I pissed off a good portion of the population of Kimberley this week by calling out the city on their lack of support for Relay for Life. What's funny is that I didn't say anything about previous and current volunteers or claim all the committee members were behind me on this, but that seems to be the overwhelming reaction. Oh well, it makes writing this week's piece a little easier since I now need to clarify that the column is and always will be all about me.

7. How Bad Is It That I Can't Wait to Go to Chapters?
Seriously, outside of the twenty minutes I spent shuffling around one of the locations in Calgary when I was there a couple weeks back, it's been six months sans Chapters and I'm dying. All I want to do is compile a list of books to read, get a venti from The Bucks and rock the comfy chairs for an afternoon. I don't care if we do anything else while we're in Ontario, so long as I get my Chapters fix.

8. Are You Sick of Social Networking Too?
Remember when Facebook came out and we were all addicted? Are you over that too? Don't get me wrong, I still check it a couple times a day, but I don't poke people, I barely have any friend requests anymore and I don't miss it at all. Same with Twitter. I can't get into it. I'm just done with computer friendship and personal life notifications. Call me, email me, write me a letter...

9. Spring and Summer are Going to be Gorgeous
I don't know this for a fact, but judging by today, I'm going to love being here this summer. It's gorgeous - shining sun, probably not that hot since we're up in the mountains, great natural scenery and golf courses galore. Only detraction is the stupid deer... they aren't even back out en masse yet and I'm already angry with them...

10. Some Good TV Coming Out
A couple new shows I'm looking forward to debut this week. Southland and The Unusuals are both cop shows, but they're very different and both very interesting to me. The bad guy from SWAT is in The Unusuals and Ryan from The OC stars in Southland. Too bad I think they're on the same night...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Have no fear, Albert is here!

1. Fight! Magazine is Still Happening
Apparently, the holidays being busy makes Editors-in-Chief of major magazines forget about small-time whiny readers who are looking for work. After one email and a quick phone call, my parcel of back issues to correct are in the mail and I'll be getting started this week.

2. Loving - repeat LOVING - the New Gig
Started taking baby steps towards crossing over into Editor-dom myself this week and have to say that I love the process and look forward to February 1 when we go full throttle. It's going to be a lot of work and take some serious time and energy, but as I've been saying this whole writing ride, I'd rather put in big effort and big hours on stuff that I love and believe in than anything else.

3. Ari-freakin'-zona!
Can you believe the Arizona MF'in Cardinals might win the Super Bowl? This is insane. Not that they haven't played pretty damn good these playoffs, but at the start of the year you never would have picked the Cardinals. Even if you were Kurt Warner's crazy-ass wife. Now they're one win away from winning the whole shebang. Crazy...

4. Welcome to the White House, President Obama
The President-Elect drops the "Elect" in a couple of days and I am glad that I will be around to see it. This is truly a monumental and historic event that will be taking place, one that we'll be teaching in history books someday and it will be the only thing on in the bar on Tuesday with good reason.

5. Wedding Headaches Subsiding
This week has been more productive on the wedding front than the last four months and that is a testament to our new agent. All the invoices are done and proofed and ready to go and we should have everything and everyone lined up and ready to roll in the next three days. Funny how getting pissed a couple rungs up the ladder makes everything happen a little more quickly...

6. Luke is His Mother's Dog
They two of them could probably sleep for 24 hours straight if you let them. In fact, with Sarah being off all through the week this week, I'd wager that over the three days they're off together without me around, they get in at least 30 hours of sleep. Updates later in the week.

7. So the Old Man Called Me...
Just weird having my phone ring and it be him, seeing as the last three times we talked were at funerals and totally awkward interactions. I think I said six or eight words. So strange, so sad...

8. It's Already Been One Year
Thursday marks a year since Heath Ledger's death. That's crazy to me. I still remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I found out - Wexford Street apartment, putting away the groceries after work. Funny how some things just stick in your head.

9. Wanted: One Good Book
With no Chapters to speak of in a 100 kilometre radius, I've been reduced to checking out a very small Coles in the crappy Cranbrook mall from time to time when I want something to read. Unsurprisingly, they got nothing... so I'm asking you folks to fill me in on some quality literature that I can go find and enjoy. Homework is due by the end of the week.
10. Joaquin Phoenix is a Rapper?
I knew he had "retired" from acting to pursue music, but hip hop? That would have been the last place I would have expected the man who brought Johnny Cash to life on the silver screen to end up. Punk, country, rock, sure... hip hop? I've gotta find his stuff somewhere on the 'net and give it a listen.

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My Own Marley

Sarah and I decided to go see Marley & Me last night as we had been talking about it since first seeing the previews months ago and yesterday was the first chance we had since it's release.

Without giving away any of the movie to those who haven't seen it or read the book, you have to see it if you're a dog person and even if you're not it's good fun.

For us, they could have subbed out the adorable golden lab who portrayed Marley with a stubby little Jack Russell / Pug cross and it would have been like watching our life on a big screen... with Owen Wilson starring as me and Jen Aniston playing the role of Sarah.

Maybe it's all dogs (I doubt it though) but Cool Hand Luke sure does share a lot of similarities with the silver screen's Worst Dog in the World:

• A willingness to steal and chew just about anything
• The ability to eat and eat and eat and eat without stopping or getting full
• No regard for personal space
• A unique curiosity that only comes up when his parents are trying to get amorous

As much as we spent the entire movie laugh (and occasionally crying) about the similarities between Marley and the little butt-waggler we would be returning home to, nothing prepared us for the shining Marley moment we would walk into.

Note to Self: Never - I repeat - NEVER leave a garbage bag in the house with the dog.

We knew something was up when there was no barking as we keyed in the code on the door. We definitely knew Luke had done something wrong when he came out all sooky and cuddly; normally he's a big ball of energy.

Turn on the lights and VIOLA... garbage everywhere.

Coffee grinds mashed into the carpet with a little cranberry sauce on top.
Week old turkey devoured.
A quarter of an old ass Christmas fruitcake gone.

From the carnage, it honestly looked as if the little terror had eaten as much as he could and then crashed because he was just so full...

As angry as we were - especially considering this is the second such occurrence - walking into the mess after Marley & Me was the only way this dog didn't spend the night in his crate.

Instead, he got a nice long walk to poop out the garbage, a little scolding, some laughs when he wouldn't leave Sarah and I alone for "Grown Up Time" and his usual spot cuddled up between us on the bed for the night when it was time to go to sleep.

Why?

Because even though he's a little brat, he's our little brat and we wouldn't change him or trade him for the world.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Exactly Why I Love MMA
I may have had my predictions for last night's UFC 92 card and those predictions may have been wrong 7 times out of 10, but in truth, that's why I really love Mixed Martial Arts. While I had my picks and still have the guys that I follow and cheer for, never really knowing what is going to happen is what makes MMA so appealing to me and all the other fans out there. You can't say that about most other sports.

2. Work Isn't So Bad
Turns out I just needed to get through all that time before ski season for this place to turn into a place I could really enjoy working. We've been pretty busy all week long and the average day has gone from two hours and $30 to six hours and $100. I could certainly handle three more months of this.

3. Visits Delayed
Garry and Theresa were supposed to get here last night. Weather out of Toronto made them fifteen minutes late for their connection in Calgary, but you would think Air Canada would hold a connection flight to Cranbrook when there is only five people on the plane. You would think, wouldn't you? Not so much... Garry and T got shipped to Vancouver for the night and will be touching down around the time I start work.

4. Cold Outside, Hot Inside
We really do have good luck when it comes to apartments and heating. We never turned on the heat at Crosby Road in Newfoundland and barely did so on Wexford as well. Out here, the heat was on for maybe a week when it was -30 outside and no one else was living in the building. Now that there is a full house, our place gets to be sweltering at night and we haven't touched the thermostat.

5. New Opportunities
My people at Lovin Life Media (the guys responsible for The Love of Sports) are set to launch a couple more sites in the next week including one I will undoubtedly be a part of - The Love of Movies. Could there be a better site for the former Blockbuster employee? I don't think so. I've also got an angle on freelancing a piece for Inside Golf Magazine through a colleague at work. I'll keep you posted on that one once I get more info...

6. Luke Has a Love / Hate Relationship with Snow
When it's crushed up and run over and just under his paws, he loves it. Loves to run on it, loves to eat it, loves to smell it and pee on it. But when it's all thick and fluffy, perfect for running and jumping in (or skiing), count him out. We have to encourage him every three or four bounding steps to keep going.

7. We're Witnessing History in Detroit
No, not with the automotive companies or even my Red Wings; we're seeing history with the inept Detroit Lions. They are bound to go winless for the year as they play in Green bay this afternoon, a place they haven't had a victory this decade. Even when they finish cleaning house after the season, there are still a number of holes and flaws in this team, which could lead to continued losing into next season.

8. Wedding Update
So we're waiting to hear from an agent in town to let us know what kind of deals she can find for us down to the Dominican so we can dump our freak show of an agent back home. Even if we can't get anything better out here, chances are the London-based agent is going to way of the dinosaur...

9. Mr. Top Five
I've had five Fantasy Football teams this season and today marks the final game of my last league. With four complete, I've got two silvers, a bronze and a fifth while I play in the finals today against my man Bucky. I also finished in first place in the regular season with three of those five teams. If only there was a way to make money playing Fantasy Sports...

10. Dammit! It's Almost Resolution Time
Three more days and I have to start trying not to smoke and working out again, not to mention ensuring I put extra time into writing my book and building the portfolio. Where did 2008 go?

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The Rundown: 2009 Wish List

First of all - there is no referring to my future wife as "that broad in the hoodie," even if you're joking...

Secondly, for the couple people who're wondering exactly who Albert is, track back a couple Sunday's and tell me what constant you find on each 10 Things post...

Now that the general housekeeping is out of the way, onto today's business.

Somehow, 2008 is nearly over. It's been an insane year for me and one I will surely not forget. It was the year I got engaged and adopted a sidekick, my brother tied the knot and my writing improved by leaps and bounds, but it was also the year I lost my grandfather, my great uncle and a couple close friendships took serious hits too.

Thinking about the past, as it often does, got me to thinking about the future and the things that I want to see happen in 2009.

You won't find things about the wedding here, not because I don't have hopes for that day, but because I know everything is going to be wonderful...

Instead, you'll find... well... why don't you just scroll down and read them yourself?

Wish List 2009: Top Five Hopes for Next Year

5. Sarah Settles In
It's been a crazy eight months for my future wife. At the start of April, she was off to Labrador for her first work placement ever, then came engagement, more work, wedding headaches, a monstrous Nursing exam and then into the Working World. Top that off with relocating once again and it's been pretty turbulent and at times traumatic. But there are few people I know as strong and as talented as Sarah and I hope that 2009 brings some stability because the woman deserves it.

4. Johnny Domestic Become an Everyday Thing
There really is something calming and enjoyable about spending my days around the house. I get all the housework done, get to cook great meals (and bake delicious cakes and cookies!) plus hang out with my sidekick and write as much as I want. While I don't dislike my current job slinging drinks and taking orders on the Ski Hill, making a change to permanently being around the house post-wedding would be real nice...

3. Visitors Welcome!
The one thing that actually sucks about being out here is how far we are from our families. We both love the opportunities we've found out here and wouldn't change our decision to come here for anything (I think...) but we'd also love to see some familiar smiling faces out this way over the next twelve months. And the Dominican in April doesn't count either... you got to get yourself to Chateau Kyte here in Kimberley for it to be official. I mean, seriously, who doesn't want a vacation?

2. Sticking to Those Resolutions...
You know the ones I'm talking about. The same ones I'm always talking about. No smoking, eat right, exercise, blah blah blah blah blah. Some have gone better than others over the last few months, but really, they're all important and something I really want to work at. Honestly. Stop laughing. I'll show you...

1. Continued Growth of the Portfolio
This year brought me to The Love of Sports and Fight! Magazine, both incredible opportunities that I hope will continue to flourish in 2009. There are two other projects on the go that I have high hopes for as well; the first being my book idea that has once again taken a backseat to blogging and TLOS and everything else in life and the launch of the website Newt and I have been working at for the last bunch of months. It's starting to take shape and shouldn't be too much longer before we unveil it and my hopes are that having a centralize site for all my work presented in a professional way helps take me from writer who waits tables to pay the bills to writer who waits tables simply for the free golf all summer...

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Evel Knievel Has Come Back From the Dead!

His spirit has clearly taken over the body of my canine sidekick Cool Hand Luke.

Early on in our ownership of Luke he displayed some daredevil qualities, including his leap from the second tier kennel he was staying in at Canada's Wonderland which resulted in a thunderous face plant on the concrete floor below.

While he has reduced these tendencies as of late and resorted to just plain being stupid - chasing after cars, antagonizing deer, running head-first into walls because he can't stop as well on ice and snow - the proof of his being the canine host for the spirit of Evel Knievel came this morning and left Sarah on the brink of tears.

Little man loves the snow - like, adores the stuff. He gets outside and bounds through the collected powder that stands about as tall as he does.

So we let him off the leash so he could have a little early morning run around and playtime post-poop when he decides to check out the building across the way from us.

No big deal - he's been over there before and no harm has come from it. Until today.

While our building starts on the ground floor and only goes up, the place across the way has a lower floor too. As such, their stairwell, which is surrounded by a three foot high stone wall, goes both up and down.

And I'm betting you can guess what Evel Knievel decided to do...

Yup, he climbed onto the stone wall and jumped.

It took a second or two for it to register with Sarah and I until she looked at me with the most worried look I've ever seen and said, "That goes downstairs!"

As we ran over towards the steps down, guess who comes prancing up the steps like nothing had happened?

100% unaffected and wondering what all the commotion was about, Luke shook off some accumulated snow and proceeded to waddle over to our steps, ready to come inside for an early morning treat.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that our balcony is enclosed...

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