Oprah Quits... But Not Until Next Year

In all honesty, I've been meaning to write this one for some time.

As many of you know, Oprah has announced that she is ending her show to concentrate on other projects. As you also know, the announcement came with a "at the end of next year" attached to the back end.

Basically, Oprah is giving everyone ample warning that she will be leaving, so they can get their lives in order to carry on without her... and shower her with praise and affection for the next year.

While that is not the real reason, it certainly seems that way, and has for every celebrity and athlete who has done the same "this is my last year" farewell tour over the span of my life. I just don't see the point of announcing you're leaving a year in advance other than to drum up recognition and attention.

A gazillion people already watch Oprah, so it's not like those of us who don't routinely tune her in each day are suddenly going to stop what we're doing and watch her show this year.

She's not moving to a remote island, never to be heard from again; she turning the lights off on her show to focus on her television network... so she's still going to be on TV.

So what is the real motivation behind giving everyone the head's up?

Personally, I think part of the answer is that last show of each month will become some overblown excuse to give everyone in the audience a bazillion dollars worth of merchandise because "it's my last January show ever."

The Oprah's Favorites shows have always astounded me in the same way Extreme Makeover: Home Edition drives me nuts.

If you can convince that many companies to give away that much crap a couple of times each year, couldn't you be giving it to someone more deserving and needy that an audience full of suburban homebodies?

When it comes to calling it a career, I'm a John Elway kind of guy; go out on top, but do it without a big farewell tour.

Don't hold a teary press conference three separate times blubbering about how you just don't have it in you to play football anymore or give your fans a year to shower you with affection before you go.

Walk off into the sunset and let the adulation follow; otherwise you end up having 13 "Farewell Tours" like Cher... and that doesn't look good on anybody, not even Cher.

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Tiger Woods: Great at Golf, Stupid at Life

Everyone else in the world is talking Tiger right now, so I might as well chime in too.

Tiger Woods is arguably the greatest golfer to ever play the game.

He's the first billion-dollar athlete, has endorsements out the back nine, an impeccable smile and it seems about as much smarts as a sack of marbles.

This will not be a lecture about infidelity; the shit happens and that's life. It sucks, I don't condone it, but such is life.

Instead, let's focus on how cosmically retarded a mistake this is for Tiger.

First off, look at Elin.

If you're married to some horrible hosebeast with wonky eyes, a collection of some'r teeth and more facial hair than you have, seeing what else is available at least seems somewhat understandable.

However, when you're married to a smokin' hot Swedish chick who you were set up with because she used to be Jesper Parnavick's nanny, you're not going to be trading up any time soon.

Cheating on a woman as ridiculously attractive as Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) is like marrying George Clooney and then having an affair a few years in...

Two - you're worth someone in the neighborhood of a bazillion dollars.

D'you know what happens if she decides your philandering ways are more than she cares to put up with anymore?

You become worth closer to a billion dollars because she's getting a large portion of whatever isn't protected in a pre-nup and so much money every month that you'll need Brinks to drop it by the house for her.

Now, going from a bazillion to a billion isn't the end of the world, I'll admit, but I got $27.00 to my name and couldn't imagine parting with $13.50, so half a bazillion has got to hurt a little.

Comment the Third: You're Tiger effin' Woods!

Seriously - if just about every unknown schmuck in the world who runs around on the missus ends up getting caught in one way or another, how in the fuck did you expect this to end?

The chippy (chippies?) on the side we're just going to say thanks and laugh about it over wine with their friends, never expecting a dime?

Are you kidding me? You're Tiger effin' Woods... if you accidentally brushed against my wife's ass I would be trying to get a couple hundred grand out of you, so how much do you think the side bets are trying to score now?

Maybe instead of spending so much time on the practice range, Tiger should have, I dunno, smartened the fuck up...

Cheating is wrong and bad and shitty.

How he possibly thought this would end any other way is beyond me.

Somewhere, he accountant is ready to drive Tiger's balls... and I ain't talkin' golf.

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Monday Night Raw

No, this isn't a post about wrestling and the WWE.

This is an uncensored vent session from the frustrated guy on the other side of the keyboard... consider yourself warned.

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As much as being unemployed sucks, being under-employed sucks more.

Starting tomorrow, I'm the newest member of the afternoon shift at Islands West Produce, picking orders in a freezer to be shipped all over the island.

It's an honest day's work for solid money... and there is nothing outside of the steady paycheck that has me interested in the least.

But there is nothing else out there and that is painful.

Me, my university degree and countless years of experience - both managerial and front line - can't get a job outside of the brother of a recent acquaintance helping me out because he knows I'm in a pinch.

There is no "office job" to magically go find as some people have pondered, and restaurants and bars are cutting staff, not hiring, since people aren't going out nearly as much any more.

Even the goddamn Brannigan's around the corner that has like 14 tables and was advertising as hiring hasn't called me back, that's how grim the situation is for me these days.

While I've finally got my foot in the door with a solid company in terms of my writing, the $20.83 per article I receive isn't quite enough to retire on. Not to mention the fact that until that first paycheck hits the bank, it's all just promises and they've been broken a time or two already in my writing career.

Brutal.

All I want is an opportunity to do what I'm clearly good at and earn a very modest living doing so, but that isn't happening.

Neither is the all-time backup plan of waiting tables and slinging drinks.

Neither is friggin' Blockbuster goddamn Video or anything else.

So I'm picking produce in the freezing cold and I'm none to happy about it.

FML.

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Things I Learned This Week

1. Post #600

How insane is that?

This post marks the 600th time I've sat down to share my thoughts with you on something completely random and the fact that we've reached yet another landmark is crazy to me.

Not that I didn't think I could actually do it, but really, getting to 600 posts without having taken an kind of massive hiatus in the middle is impressive to me.

More impressive is that some of you have been reading since the first week. Words can't express how appreciative I am...

2. Big Day for Tim & Michelle

My brother-in-law and his girlfriend officially took possession of their house last Saturday (yes, I know that makes it a thing I learned last week...) and celebrated by getting engaged!

Congratulations!

Couldn't be happier - they're a great couple and quickly becoming two of our best friends, so getting to hit up their wedding sometime next year (or whenever) and having them relatively close by is outstanding.

3. No Smokes in 5 Weeks

I didn't want to say anything until I had passed the one month point, then I was too lazy to write last weekend, so now we're at Week 5 sans darts and I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

For the most part, it's been fairly easy; only a couple moments here and there where I've thought a smoke would be fantastic, but to be totally honest, I haven't really noticed.

No special gum, no silly patches and no conversations with my doctor. Just good old fashioned will power...

4. Funny People: Not Over Funny

Judd Apatow tried to make a funny and touching movie (at least that what it seems like) and kinda missed the boat on both.

There are some funny moments and some touching moments, but after 140 minutes of watching Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan hang out together, I was left thinking that they should have either went full-on funny or full-on touching, but not tried to do both.

The potential was there, but it seemed to all kind of miss the mark as a whole.

That being said, Apatow is a massive success and I'm douche who rights a blog that only 43 people read, so who am I to judge?

5. Everywhere We Go, Bad Waitresses Follow

Going out with Tim and Michelle must set off some kind of bad waitress beacon because each of the last couple times we've been out, the service has been brutal.

Between giving us our bill the minute we decided to take a pause from consuming mass quantities of booze to, you know, breath and last night's all-around useless waitress, we need to stick to staying in and getting sloshed.

Last night's server was a gem, kind enough to ask if we wanted beef on our nachos only to return 17 seconds later to double check that we said yes, which we didn't, then have the aforementioned unwanted and unserved beef show up on our bill.

Additionally, a vodka water with a lime apparently means vodka, water and a splash of bar lime with a lemon wedge.

Most traumatic of all? I can't get a job as a server to save my life right now...

6. But I Can Haul Produce!

That sounds like the career path of choice for right now, since it's the only career path being offered to me. Maybe it's the right way to go.

Full-time bartender at Kelsey's turned into mostly working as a server and not accumulating enough hours over the year to even qualify for Employment Insurance, so truly guaranteed eight-hour shifts five days a week will be a nice change of pace.

Besides, I won't bitch about having a better way to do everything like I always have working in restaurants and bars since I don't know the first thing about hauling produce.

7. I'm Now a Classic Radio Station Guy!

When I jump in the car now, I don't find the local pop station or the local rock station. I tune to Jack FM or a classic hits station that plays the stuff I grew up on...

How did this happen?

The stuff I grew up on is supposed to still be the cool stuff and what everyone is listening to. Flipping to the local pop station proves that is untrue, as my music doesn't involve computers digitally serving as every artists' voice like it does now.

Jay-Z is right: Death to Auto-Tune!

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Soundtrack of My Life: Down With the King

Song: Down With the King
Artist: Run DMC
Album: Down With the King (1993)

The fact that it's taken so long to get to Joseph Simmons, Darryl McArthur and the late Jason Mizell is ridiculous, considering how constantly I rip on the current state of affair in hip hop and the lack of talent taking up residency sitting at the top of the charts.

While their legacy and importance in the music world becomes less known with every Reality TV show starring Rev. Run or his off-spring or one of their songs gets remixed into a dance track by Jason Nevins, the fact is that hip hop wouldn't be where it is without Run DMC.

Before mash-ups became fad-tastic and rap-rock like Limp Bizkit sold millions, these boys hooked up with Aerosmith for "Walk this Way," forcing themselves into the mainstream. The rest is history.

This song was chosen because it represents the last great track by a legendary group, as the trio's final album Crown Royal failed to produce a memorable hit. Additionally, it features great verses courtesy of Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth (two of my faves) and the song is still absolutely awesome more than 15 years later.

Sorry for being so late...

Rest in Peace JMJ

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