- Their current relationship status doesn't matter.
- Pregnancy isn't a stumbling block either; Jessica Alba doesn't appear because she let some doofus named Cash knock her up.
- Age is but a number, except when it's under the legal limit. You won't see any "Teen Starlet X when she turns 21" on this list. That's just creepy....
Top Five Wife Audition Candidates
5. Alicia Keys
I've been in love with A-Keys since I first saw the Fallin' video on BET when it was a Rated Next cut and played three times an hour. How could you not be? She is insanely talented. I'm one of those people who finds playing an instrument sexy. Not so much if you rock the tuba or something, but tickling the ivories is a whole 'nother story. You know she wrote "No One" about me right?
4. Tina Fey
Smart, funny, sexy in that "I'm just who I am and don't really think of myself as sexy so that makes me even sexier to a lot of people" way and mysterious too. I wanna know the story with the scar on her face. I know I could Wiki it or find it on the Interwebs somewhere, but I would rather have Tina tell me about it over dinner. Since that'll never happen, I'll Wiki it later...
3. Natalie Portman
I know most women hate being referred to as "cute" but if the shoe fits... Shaved head in V for Vendetta? Cute. Short hair? Cute. Long hair? Cute. Curly in-between-lengths hair in Garden State? Cute. Plus, she's brilliant. Seriously - she graduated from Harvard. Super smart, super talented, super cute. Easy choice.
I'm telling you right now - I will fight any one of you out there who has a bad word to say about Alecia Moore! I'm not even kidding. From back in the day when she actually rocked the pink hair and sang R&B tracks to this very second, P!nk has been near the top of my list. Anyone who is 100% comfortable with who they are is aces in my books. P!nk does P!nk and that is sexy to me. She speaks her mind, does what she wants and makes no bones about it. Doesn't hurt that she has a couple killer tattoos inked into a beautiful frame either...
1. Diane Lane
If things don't work out with me and Sarah, I'm going to make like Anton Chugurh and hunt down Llewlyn Moss myself. I know where to find him too - nestled in bed next to my woman! Damn you Josh Brolin! She loses some points for once being married to Christopher "The Highlander" Lambert, but makes those up easily with her performance in Unfaithful. Seriously - every guy reading this right now needs to watch this movie. She's smoldering. Under the Tuscan Sun just gets her bonus points, not that she needs them.