Saturday, March 15, 2008

Attack of the Cheap Bastards

Over this past week, I have been privy to a rash of ridiculous activity by the common sense challenged segment of our society who think that rules and pre-established pricing applies to everyone except them.

The fact that everyone - well, almost everyone - wants something for nothing is not a new nugget I have just recently gleaned. I used to work in a casino; everyone who sets foot in there is looking for as many free handouts as humanly possible. Heaven forbid they spend some of their money on a bite to eat or a beverage or something other than the one armed bandits...

I know money is tight and everyone wants more than whatever amount they have. That part makes sense. What doesn't make sense is people's unrealistic expectation that for some unknown reason the regular policies and prices out in the world don't apply to them.

When a photographer quotes you at $100 per person for grad photos, emailing her back informing her that you only want to pay $100 for two people is pretty stupid. You're already getting a deal, yet you want to pay half the price of everyone else. Why? What makes you so special?

You can't do this type of thing in a restaurant. There is no telling the waiter that the fillet is overpriced at $35.00 and asking him to see if you could get it for $22. Sure you can, at the other restaurant down the street...

I'm going to give everyone who ever rents movies a little tip here - at least 1/3 of the movies in the store are absolute crap. If it didn't make it to theatres, stay away. If it stars a rapper or former wrestler, stay away. If you've never heard of it at all and no one in the store bothered to use one of their free rentals on it, there is a good chance it is horrible.

That being said, if you're stupid enough to spend your money on one of the above mentioned items, why in the hell should I have to give you your money back when you realize you fucked up? That's not part of the agreement, no matter how good a customer you are.

And for the record, everyone thinks they're a great customer. Guess what? You're not. You're a pain in my ass.

"I didn't like this game. Can I get my money back?"

I don't like my job. Is someone going to give me back the eight months I've spent there listening to this crap on a daily basis? No? I didn't think so.

In all honesty, I could go on for hours.

If I wasn't afraid of getting (a) punched in the mouth - which I assure you is bound to happen one of these days - or (b) fired - I hate it, but I need money too! - this is how I would handle these situations:

Ask the person where they work.
Ask them if I can come in and have something free from them.
When they say no and/or ask why, provide their same lame-ass excuse and wait.
Repeat until the point is made or the customer finally just walks away.

How wicked would that be? Just watching someone stand there trying to figure out what in the hell I was talking about. But think about it. It is unilaterally valid.

I can't go into a clothing store and ask for a refund because the shirt didn't look good on me or someone didn't like it.

There is no telling the car salesman that you're only going to give him $20,000 for the $35,000 car.

Hell, you can't tell the minimum wage warrior at Tim Horton's that you're only going to give him $1.55 for an extra large double double. You can give him your $1.55 alright. D'you know what you'll get? The large coffee you can pay for.

Nothing is free in this world. Why in the hell do you think that applies to everyone but you?

You bunch of cheaps bastards!

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