Don't We All Audition Spouses?

Last I remember, that was called dating and almost everybody does it.

Personally, paying for sex and companionship got boring - and expensive - so I quit doing that years ago and forayed back into the auditions.

First dates are interviews, subsequent dates, should you make it through the screening process are auditions. Am I the only one who knows this?

The longer you last in a relationship, the more auditioning you're doing. Think about it. You start off easy enough, getting through simple things like dinners and nights out with friends, then maybe step it up to meeting the parents and family. If things are still going swimmingly, you move in together. And d'you know what that is? A test run to see if the two of you could survive living together as if you were married. D'you know what another name for a test run is? An audition.

As we speak, I'm auditioning for the lead in The Sarah Cole Story. I think I got the part, but one slip up somewhere and she could be sending out a casting call.

We all audition spouses.

So how come everyone's favourite Scientologist and President of the Brooke Shields Fan Club Tom Cruise is catching so much grief?

For those with their fingers as far away from the pulse as possible, reports have once again surfaced - as they did years ago when Tom was jumping on couches first proclaiming his undying love for Kate - that the current Mrs. Cruise wasn't even on the Medal Podium when Tom originally began his search for a wife.

As it goes, the top three were current Mrs. Ben Affleck Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johannson and Jessica Alba with Joey Potter sitting fourth. Jen had no interest in the part, nor did Jessica and Scarlett bolted once she got to the Hollywood Scientology Center, which left Tom down to the young girl who famously gushed about her childhood crush on Maverick the Last Samurai.

Now, I agree that you, me and nearly everyone else on the planet don't actually audition candidates for the role of husband or wife, but this is Tom Cruise people. He can't be expected to date like everyone else. He doesn't have time for that. Between trying to reach a higher level of enlightenment or whatever the hell the goal of Scientology is and getting his hair done, who has time for dating?

So he took the Hollywood route, literally. Katie came in, read for the part and Tom knew the minute he saw her tape that she was "The One." What a nice story to tell Suri one day...

"Mommy was actually Daddy's fourth choice, but the first three weren't crazy enough to take part is this little charade to conceal Daddy's homosexuality. So after I had her run some lines and consulted with my publicist, we decided Mommy was the right person for me to stand beside in pictures and pretend I love. Then our agent told us we should have a baby to make our relationship look even more real and nine months later, you were born. We named you Suri for the extra attention a unique name brings."