1. The Breakthrough is Coming
Call me crazy, but having two of my original articles appear on Sports Illustrated's MMA & Boxing page in a seven day span is a positive step.
In under four months, Keyboard Kimura and my work as an MMA writer have grown exponentially, thanks in large part to my willingness to shamelessly self-promote wherever I can, but also because the level of work continues to climb.
After what feels like an eternity of spinning my tires and not being overly excited about what I was writing, things are finally starting to take shape and I've found my niche. All that's missing is a regular paycheck.
2. Hello, My Name is Sally
What the hell has happened to me? I used to be able to go out and drink myself stupid, get a couple hours of comatose-like sleep and be ready to take on the world.
Now, a long night of work leaves me laying on the couch in a heap for the better part of the day. When did I become such a Sally?
Granted, I did tend bar at a wedding for 12 hours last night,working into the wee hours of the morning, and getting to sleep at 4:00, but how in the name of all things right with the world can I remain totally sober and still feel like a complete and utter sack of hammers?
Even I want to make fun of me.
3. Four Months? Already?
Happy Anniversary Mrs. Kyte!
How it's already been 1/3 of a year is beyond me, but believe me, I'm not complaining. Well, not right now. I'm sure I will later, probably about something inconsequential.
4. Continuing to Excel at the Completely Meaningless
Last week I told you about the outstanding seasons my Fantasy Baseball teams are putting together, building momentum as the playoffs approach.
Since September is rolling around, that means one things: Football. As such, a couple Fantasy Football drafts have already been completed and while one didn't go as well as I would have liked, I will say right now, before a single meaningful snap has taken place that one of my teams - Team Canada (original, I know...) - will absolutely dominate this season.
And to the victor goes... absolutely nothing. Why must I be good at totally useless things?
5. The Word Star Gets Thrown Around Awful Liberally These Days
There is no more perfect example than this Ryan Jenkins guy who has apparently fled here to Canada after murdering his girlfriend.
They keep referring to him as a Reality TV Star. Funny, I've never heard to this murderous douchebag. Turns out he's on some VH-1 Bachelorette rip-off, which makes him the equivalent of one of the love interests of Tila Tequila and we all know what kind of superstars we're dealing with there.
If he's a star, what do people who are famous and talented now get qualified as? Mega-stars? Superstars?
6. I Need to Write for TV
Why? Apparently there is an insane lack of talent, forcing networks to move forward with such wonderful fall additions as:
By the way, when did it become okay for the guy in the wheelchair to be the center of all the jokes?
Did I miss a memo or something?
He's a paraplegic, so smashing him in the legs with a door is funny because he can't feel it... really?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
Monday, July 6, 2009
What's in a Name?
You can dress up a job title or award to sound better than it actually is pretty easily.
Subway has Sandwich Artists. I once convinced everyone that I spent my summers working construction as a Site Delivery Liaison Technician, a title I invented to avoid telling people I was a go-fer.
That being said, there is one title that cannot be saved - The Biggest Loser.
Think it through for a minute or two. We all know that it comes from the television weight loss show, but is there a more unfortunate moniker around that being crowned The Biggest Loser? I think not.
Unless you're going to preface everything you say with, "So I was on that weight-loss show and I won," you're stuck answering every single person who stops you and asks, "Where do I know you from?" with, "I'm the biggest loser."
No matter how you follow-up, you immediate image conjured up in the minds of everyone who hears those words is the academically-apt gentleman pictured at the opening of this post. Actually, the real "biggest loser" is probably a little south of the guy pictured; hair a little messier, glasses a little more broken, nice set of braces and an unironic Care Bears t-shirt sounds about right.
I'm no physical specimen; I could certainly stand to lose a couple lbs and my lazy ass could really benefit from spending a little more time exercising and a little less time thinking about stuff like this, but I tell you one place you'd never find me.
On a show that awards me for winning by branding me in front of thousands - if not millions of people - The Biggest Loser.
I'll stick to being a little chubby and marginally cool, thanks.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
10 Things I Learned This Week
1. I'm Good at What I Do
For the last couple months, I've heard a lot of whining at work about not making any money and tips being horrible. In fact, I heard it through most of the winter too. Funny, I seem to make pretty decent cash every time I put on the apron and offer up food and drink. Then again, I'm also visible to my tables and willing to treat them like human beings, as opposed to inconvenient sacks of flesh that force me to earn my wages.
2. Misguided Attention
Somehow, I've spent a lot of time flicking through the channels this week and one thing I've really come to realize is that our media spends an awful lot of time talking about complete and utter bullshit. Headline News dedicates at least 12 hours a day to scandals and murder trials, analyzing it from every possible angle, while TLC is no longer about Learning whatsoever. It's about "Reality" or the fake version of it that works on television. No wonder I've spent so much time on the computer this week - there is nothing good to watch.
3. The Dog's Name is Chase
Yesterday's reports of rescuing a dog named Jake were incorrect; it turns out his name is Chase. That's the only part of the story that wasn't on point though, as talking with the woman yesterday revealed that she was "certain I closed that back door" before heading off to work. Wanna know how to be sure? Lock the damn thing. Easy.
4. Three Wins Away from Fulfilling My Prophecy
After a win in Game 1 yesterday, my Detroit Red Wings are three wins away from once again hoisting the Stanley Cup. Accept it now people: this is going to happen. What they will also do is fulfill my prediction from a few years back that the Wings would win two Cups before the Leafs won one. I didn't say it was rocket science or anything, but I thought it would take longer than three years to prove me right.
5. Pessimists Suck
Understand that I am an insane optimist - things are always going to work out even when there isn't an apparent solution, good things are going to happen and all that jazz. That being said, it still amazes me how negative some people can be about their work and their passions. I know writing is a tough road to travel, but telling that in excruciating detail is not necessary. Thanks for raining on my parade. Luckily, I carry an umbrella, just in case.
6. Somebody Has to be that One in a Million
I know I'm an optimist and making it in this business is a long shot, but doesn't someone have to be that one in a million? Three months ago, no one knew who Susan Boyle was. Now, she has a record deal and is known around the world. The Shack started as a personal project with 20 printed copies for friends and family. Now it's sold more than 2 million copies. You can't win if you don't buy a ticket and just because you don't want to buy tickets anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't start.
7. The Deer Aren't So Bad
Since moving here, people have warned us that the deer are nuts and will actually charge at you instead of running away from you like most woodland creatures will do. On numerous occasions this week, those people have been proven wrong. The pug and I run into at least two deer a day on our walks and by keeping calm and walking slowly, the deer bound down the hill in the opposite direction without any fuss.
8. The Shameless Self-Promotion Tour is Working
Readership is up everywhere. The fan base is growing daily and all the hours I put in networking away on Facebook and Twitter and everywhere else have paid off with my first official MMA interview with light heavyweight prospect Cody "Donnybrook" Donovan.
9. Tiananmen Square Was 20 Years Ago
You know how there are those pictures that will always be burned in your memory? The Tank Man from China's Tiananmen Square Protests in 1989 is one of those images for me. How was that possibly 20 years ago already? Where has the time gone?
10. Patiently Waiting, Though the Patience is Waning
If we're doing this, let's do this, but if we can't, just tell me so that I can find someone who can. Big things are coming and I want to be ready.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Joining the Jon & Kate Debate
Just finished watching the Jon & Kate Plus 8 premiere and thought I would give my thoughts on the show, the controversy and all things Gosselin.
Yes, I watch Jon & Kate Plus 8... get over it.
So, if you've been in any kind of store lately, you've seen Jon and Kate on the cover of nearly every tabloid amidst tales of infidelity on both parts, rumors of divorce and most recently, for show regular and Kate's sister-in-law Jody calling for a boycott of the show.
Now, Jon led off the show saying he didn't cheat on Kate. My old man always said he never cheated on my mom too, but that wasn't the case, so I'm not fully convinced. That being said, consider me on Team Jon, provided he wasn't playing hide the pickle.
We've watched the show from the jump and in the five years, Kate has gone from being the doting mother who didn't care about fashion and appearances to a celebrity who happens to have kids. From where I've been sitting, she comes off as someone who has really gotten caught up in being a celebrity, loves the attention and doesn't want to be anything other than that.
Jon, on the other hand, wants none of it. He wants to be a dad and have a somewhat normal life. While that isn't entirely possible any longer, you can't really blame him. After five televised years of not being able to finish your own sentences, getting criticized for just about everything and having decisions made for you, I'd be at my tipping point too.
While they chose to let the public into their lives and therefore have to live with the consequences, there seems to be such a huge rift between the two in terms of what they want moving forward that an amicable solution doesn't seem possible and that is sad.
Although there is no way that they will ever escape the glaring eye of the paparazzi and have a "normal life" like you and me, you can choose to minimize your exposure and it comes off like that is a choice Jon would like to make, while Kate does not want to relinquish her place in the spotlight. She's not Kate the mother of 8 anymore; she's Kate Gosselin, author, speaker and celebrity mom and that isn't what it should be about.
You've gained a great deal - and undoubtedly sacrificed a lot too - and I would wager that your kids are set for life right about now, so why not walk away and try to salvage the marriage, the family and the bond that everyone fell in love with in the first place?
I don't know...
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Slow Motion Saturday
This is the full extent of what I want to do today.
For no real reason, I have exactly zero ambition. Writing this blog has taken longer than imaginable and it serves as the single greatest amount of energy I have expended since I got up.
Earlier this week, I actually made Sarah frustrated with me because of the amount of energy and enthusiasm I had for doing obnoxious household chores like the dishes or cleaning up from our Calgary trek.
Today, not so much and that doesn't bode well for completing the things that actually have to get done. Namely, groceries.
We have zero food, in the sense that we have two cans of The Chef, some tins of tuna, bread, eggs and peanut butter, but none of that appeals to either one of us in the least. It's our first day off together and I'd like to have a nice dinner.
Unfortunately, I also want to resume laying on the couch watching copious amounts of shows that I really don't care about.
Worst of all, I ordered pizza last night, so that throws that option out the window too.
What's a guy to do?
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Getting Down to Business
With the revelations about work coming earlier in the week, there is an abundance of time at my mercy, with which I could do any number of things.
Copious amounts of televisions and / or XBox 360 would certainly be entertaining, but could result in a prolonged stay on the couch during non-television hours, if you know what I mean.
There are countless books that I would like to read and a library full of them at my disposal, but seeing as I knocked off four during the vacation (three from James Patterson's Alex Cross series and Chris Jericho's autobiography), I think a break from the books isn't too bad.
Which leaves writing.
Yes, I am going to eschew hours of Food TV and MLB 2K Sports Front Office Manager to spend serious time crafting my masterpiece. In fact, I started while we were away, seeing as things have now come full circle and I am a married man.
We've got most of the housework that needed to be done checked off the list and shifts at the restaurant are spread out neatly to allow for numerous hours of typing madness in the coming weeks.
First up - proposal letters.
Shouldn't take long and could result in someone being willing to pay me to write this thing, which is always better than investing all my time and hard work for the low, low price of SFA.
As always, I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
10 Things I Learned This Week
1. Am I Unemployed?
Honestly, it feels a little that way, seeing as I worked three shifts at the bar this week and have only one this coming week. Granted, we're closed tomorrow and I've booked Sunday off for our trip, but still. Seems we planned this vacation at just the right time.
2. One More Game...
My Tar Heels have made it to the National Championship game and history is on our side. They crushed Michigan State on the same floor at the start of the year and while MSU was without one of their starters, he doesn't contribute the 30 point difference in the final score.
3. One More Week...
Then we leave for Ontario, do some shopping, do some relaxing and then head South. After all the headaches and all the frustrations, it's nice to be this close to everything finally coming together and working out. Sadly, I won't be able to let you know how it all turns out until after I get home.
4. I Know I Had a Fiancee Around Here Somewhere
Sarah and I have been on complete opposites lately and I barely get to see her. It's weird; we say hi in the morning when she gets off nights and bye in the evening when she's heading back in. Other than that, she's sleeping when I'm up and vice versa. This is another reason this vacation is so needed... I need to spend time with the wife!
5. How Am I Going to Leave This Dog?
With Sarah and I being on opposites, me and Cool Hand have rekindled our best friend relationship and I have no idea how I'm going to go without my ridiculously cute and entertaining Pug for almost three weeks. Any suggestions?
6. People See What They Want to See
Seems I pissed off a good portion of the population of Kimberley this week by calling out the city on their lack of support for Relay for Life. What's funny is that I didn't say anything about previous and current volunteers or claim all the committee members were behind me on this, but that seems to be the overwhelming reaction. Oh well, it makes writing this week's piece a little easier since I now need to clarify that the column is and always will be all about me.
7. How Bad Is It That I Can't Wait to Go to Chapters?
Seriously, outside of the twenty minutes I spent shuffling around one of the locations in Calgary when I was there a couple weeks back, it's been six months sans Chapters and I'm dying. All I want to do is compile a list of books to read, get a venti from The Bucks and rock the comfy chairs for an afternoon. I don't care if we do anything else while we're in Ontario, so long as I get my Chapters fix.
8. Are You Sick of Social Networking Too?
Remember when Facebook came out and we were all addicted? Are you over that too? Don't get me wrong, I still check it a couple times a day, but I don't poke people, I barely have any friend requests anymore and I don't miss it at all. Same with Twitter. I can't get into it. I'm just done with computer friendship and personal life notifications. Call me, email me, write me a letter...
9. Spring and Summer are Going to be Gorgeous
I don't know this for a fact, but judging by today, I'm going to love being here this summer. It's gorgeous - shining sun, probably not that hot since we're up in the mountains, great natural scenery and golf courses galore. Only detraction is the stupid deer... they aren't even back out en masse yet and I'm already angry with them...
10. Some Good TV Coming Out
A couple new shows I'm looking forward to debut this week. Southland and The Unusuals are both cop shows, but they're very different and both very interesting to me. The bad guy from SWAT is in The Unusuals and Ryan from The OC stars in Southland. Too bad I think they're on the same night...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Rundown: Favorite Friends
Some of you may know this and some of you won't, but I'm a major, major fan of Friends. Major to the point that Sarah and I own every season and keep them on in rotation whenever there is nothing else on the go.
Put it this way: we've already ran through all ten seasons once since we've been out here and we're on Disc 2 of Season 9 right now.
Seeing as I watch so many episodes a week, I thought today I would narrow down my list and fill you in on my favorite episodes. Everybody has favorites and these are mine.
Top 5 Friends Episodes
5. Any one with flashbacks to Fat Monica
I know how horrible that sounds, but you can't tell me that Courtney Cox in a fat suit isn't funny. Whether it's the episode with Dr. Boring or visiting Ross at college, Fat Monica is always enjoyable.
4. The One with the Male Nanny
We have adopted the name of one of Freddie Prinze Jr.'s sock puppets as the reference to whichever member of the house is being a grumpy bastard. That person is automatically The Grumpus...
3. The One Where No One is Ready
Nothing beats Joey decked out in all of Chandler's clothes doing lunges.
2. The One with the Ultimate Fighting Championship
Some of the best lines ever come from this episode. My two personal favorites:
(1) One day, kids are going to argue about who would win a fight, me or Superman. I'm not saying I can beat Superman, just, you know, kids are stupid.
(2) See this circle I'm marking, this is my Circle of Terror.
1. The One with the Embryos
The game for the apartment is easily the most entertaining episode in the history of the show. Big Fat Goalie. Maurice, Space Cowboy. Ms. Chanandeler Bong. Need I go on? I think not.
Now your turn... tell me your favorites.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Time to Start a New Addiction
I've always known that The Wire was arguably the best show on television.
I've known this for three reasons:
(1) I've seen a couple dozen episodes myself and loved them
(2) my man Smitty swears by the show and Smitty is one of the most intelligent people I know
(3) HBO does gritty drama better than anyone
After months of deliberation, a couple good nights of tips from Montana's and an afternoon stop at Best Buy, I begin my foray into the Cops and Robbers world of Baltimore one episode at a time starting the minute I finish typing this piece.
Let me apologize right now for all the pieces about how awesome The Wire is or referencing characters that only me, Smitty and the people smart enough to have enjoyed this show during it's five year run will understand.
Time to go kick back, relax and get hooked.
B-More here I come...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Nothing To Do But Write
Why?
Turns out that the message that has been annoyingly popping up on our ExpressVu every 30 minutes or so for the last month and change said something along the lines of
"Hey Fuckers - if you don't get a new card soon, you ain't going to have any TV to watch!"
Thirteen seconds ago is the new definition of soon.
Came home from walking Cool Hand Luke, sat down to watch some SportsCentre, saw Chipper Jones pull up lame (shocking, I know!) and then BLACK, followed by a nice little message that we didn't have authorization to watch TSN.
Or The Score.
Or CBC for that matter.
Every channel is now off limits, except for the ExpressVu info stations which are about as exciting as watching paint dry, outside of the "New to ExpressVu Adult" channel, which, not surprisingly, we're also not authorized for. Not that I would watch it in the first place.
The irony of it all? I live in a house with a man who works for Nielson's Television who gets all this stuff through work.
Be sure to check back frequently, as I'm sure to be here even more frequently than before now that I'm short one major procrastination tool.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Rundown: Dream Jobs
My favourite movie ever is High Fidelity.
I know it's not a masterpiece or a classic or a poignant period piece or anything like that, but it speaks to me and that is all that matters. It was through this flick that I discovered one of my favourite authors, Nick Hornby, rekindled my love of John Cusack and realized that there is nothing wrong with being the guy on the verge of 30 with an encyclopedic knowledge of random junk who is never satisfied with his station in life. In essence, I am Rob Gordon.
Why am I telling you all this today? Glad you asked...
There is a scene in the movie where Rob comes home and Laura, his ex, has returned to their apartment to collect some of her things and started to read a list he made up that is sitting on the kitchen table.
She reads aloud Rob's Top Five Dream Jobs and, aside from "architect" which requires seven years schooling and an ability to draw and design structures, none of them are too far fetched. I mean, sure, some of them are referenced to years gone based on what cool people he would have met, but it's not like he's written down President of the United States or All-Star Shortstop for the Yankees or anything. They're all jobs that he could actually obtain. Which brings us to today.
I'm currently job hunting. There is about five weeks or so before I pack up my gear and head back to Ontario. Waiting for me in London is a position at the Blockbuster around the corner from where we'll be living with Sarah's dad. While the security is nice, the thought of having to explain the difference between a late fee and a restocking fee for another summer has me checking the job boards like a poor man checking his lottery numbers.
With that in mind, there really isn't a better time to pull out today's High Fidelity inspired Rundown:
All-Time Top Five Dream Jobs
5. Freelance Writer
Yes, I know I already am a freelance writer. This actually is one of my dream jobs. I'd like it to be a little more lucrative and there be a few more outlets for my work on my plate, but all in all, I can't complain. There are a lot of days when I get to sit at home in the woobs (my adopted from Kevin Smith name for comfy, lounging clothes) and write about the things that I love like sports and movies and nonsense. Plus, Rob Gordon's #5 is Record Store Owner...
4. Pub Owner / Bartender
This one may seem a little weird, but here is the breakdown for you: I've always liked having a place to go that I feel 100% comfortable and would love to create that place for my friends and family. I could still do a ton of writing, further my love of cooking by dabbling in the kitchen and let's be honest, when all I need to do is open bottles and pour pints, I'm a pretty solid bartender.
3. Movie Critic
I don't want to be Ebert or Roeper or even Joel Siegel, but the notion of someone paying me to go watch movies and then voice my opinions on them is very appealing. I mean, we all tend to do that anyway right? We go see something, our friends and colleagues ask us how it was and we give them our critique. It's a natural occurrence. Getting paid for something I am going to do anyways is always appealing to me. Plus, I love popcorn.
2. Television Sports Anchor / Host
I have an insane amount of sports-based knowledge tucked away in this over-sized head of mine. Additionally, I'm not horrible looking and am mildly amusing. Combine those three and what do you have? A successful television sports anchor / reporter. Nothing is worse to me than the guys who try too hard to be funny. There are only so many times that "Evgeny is playing his Nabokov" is funny. D'you hear me Tim Micallef? I'm coming for your job!
1. Screenwriter
This one has been lingering for some time now and I think that is because I (a) watch a lot of movies, (b) often know even the non-cliched dialogue that is coming in advance and (c) seem to think I could do better than some of the drivel that is out there. As well everything thus far, I'm not looking to be an Oscar winner or anything like that; writing a couple good flicks that reach people is all I'm after. Additionally, there is a lot of downtime in a job like this and really, getting to lay around the house in the woobs, playing with the dogs and the brats (once they come) is what I'm looking forward to most.
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