After listening to her bitch and moan and whine and complain and give cliche answers and make herself sound great and wonderful and willing to do anything for her kids, it's time for Kate to make her appearance on the Dishonor Roll.
First, I will say this: I have no side in the Jon vs. Kate debate; they're both camera-hungry and should stop for 97 seconds and remember there are 8 kids who need parents more than millions of tabloid-loving freaks need gossip.
That being said, I don't know if there is anyone in the world right now that I want to choke more than Kate Gosselin...
What kills me is that when the show started, Kate was the quintessential stay-at-home mom, right down to the stay-at-home mom wardrobe and haircut. She was raising eight kids, so wearing sweatpants to the store made sense...
Now, I would bet the idea of sweatpants would repulse her, because she's "Kate Gosselin: Television Star" and KG:TS doesn't wear sweatpants.
She also doesn't voice any accountability for what has transpired in her life over the last couple years and while she looks into the cameras with big doe eyes and says that she'll do anything for her kids, I don't see her rushing back to a hospital to resume her career as a nurse...
Instead, she talks about having her own show with TLC, guest hosts The View, does these little one-on-one interviews and is completely oblivious (it seems) to the fact that as much as her husband is a bit of a douche, she's right up there with him.
After all, she made the guy change his career to be home more with the kids so she could go out and become a celebrity. She can say she was providing for her family all she wants, but there is providing and there is loving the attention being KG:TS delivered and methinks the latter was a more powerful draw than the former.
Just once I want to hear her say, "Man, I was a bitch" when she's watching clips of talking to her husband like a four-year-old in Toys R Us or any of the other times it happened.
Or cop to enjoying the fame. It's okay. I'd enjoy the fame too. Maybe not to the point of making my significant other get hair plugs, but still...
Jon is a doofus; he's wearing way too much Ed Hardy, taking bad advice from shady lawyers and just being a general goober, but at least he's out there admitting he's made mistakes and fessing up to being a goober...
Kate just smiles, dabs at tears and wonders why all this horrible stuff has happened to wonderful little her... so now she's on the Dishonor Roll.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Dishonor Roll: Kate Gosselin
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Dishonour Roll: TSN - The "Sports" Network
You can't rightfully call yourself "The Sports Network" anymore.
Why?
Just like MuchMusic is no longer "The Nation's Music Station" because of the no-longer-surprising lack of music videos that are actually shown, TSN is no longer just a home for sports.
Poker is not a sport.
The championship ping pong that was on yesterday morning is borderline.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee is certainly not sports.
Of course, what cements my frustrations even more is the networks decision to pay absolutely zero attention whatsoever to the sport I am most passionate about - Mixed Martial Arts.
While some will certainly think this attack on TSN is that of a biased and hurt MMA fan - and that is of course partially true - it is also a valid point of contention from a long-time TSN viewer who doesn't understand current programming decisions.
I mean really, how can you devote an hour of your midday broadcast to showing Ping Pong?
Has there been a massive groundswell of support and outcries from a frustrated public who have demanded more network of a miniature version of tennis that I don't know about?
And don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of all the poker that runs on The Sports Network, though for what it's worth, all the sports networks are equally at fault on this one.
How do I get to watch repeat after repeat of the 2008 World Series of Poker, but barely a shred of MMA programming can work it's way into the rotation?
TSN occasionally carries the WEC, with episodes of WrekCage popping up from time-to-time and broadcasts of major cards from Versus appearing shortly after their completion.
Personally, I'd love to see what kind of numbers those WEC shows do on TSN, because something tells me that they do a lot better than spelling bees, ping pong, 467 poker tournaments that all look the same and the other dead-weight programming TSN carries.
I won't even get started on the TSN website MMA page, what with it's finger far removed from the pulse and everything.
You would think that a major network like TSN would pay attention to the trends of sports and keep an eye on the competition.
While Sportsnet and The Score have ramped up their MMA coverage in accordance with the sport's progression into the mainstream and upper echelon of the industry, TSN has done next to nothing.
Hard to call yourself "Canada's Sports Leader" when you're behind the rest of the pack on the fastest growing sport in the world.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Dishonor Roll: Popular Music
Let me make this clear: there are outstanding bands and musicians out there who I love and could listen to for hours on end.
You know this, of course, seeing as I don't have much trouble coming up with a Soundtrack song every Friday.
That being said, the current state of Pop Music is absolutely atrocious and yes, that includes my man Kanye!
Let's start with Mr. West, shall we?
One of the best MCs to come along in some time, Kanye has given up delivering descriptive lyrics and telling stories over tight beats to hook up an auto-tuner and record 808's and Heartbreak, an album of "him" singing. I say "him" because, well, it's not actually him. It's the auto-tuned version of him and it's craptacular.
Which transitions beautifully into Ms. Britney Spears, making her third appearance on the Dishonor Roll. Not one to shy away from letting a computer "enhance" her vocal abilities, Brit-Brit gets lumped into this angry rant against current songs in heavy rotation for the lovely little ditty "If You Seek Amy" and it's touching lyrics.
All of the boys and all of the girls are dying to if you seek Amy.
For those who are missing what the ever-so-crafty former Mrs. Federline is saying, here's that last part phonetically: F-U-C-K me.
Classy.
Then there is Akon.
I've actually seen Akon in concert; he performed at this tight show I went to in England for the Prince's Trust. He happened to be on the bill, while I was there for Common, De La Soul, The Streets and Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince.
Anyway, even in those early days, everything Akon put out sounded the same. "Living in the Ghetto" sounded a lot like "Locked Up" and the pattern has continued throughout his discography. There is absolutely nothing unique about his current single "Beautiful" to distinguish it from any other Akon song, so what gives?
Of course, I've already covered my current least favorite artist Lady Gaga, so I won't go into that any further, other than to say that I hope her and her poker face fall off the face of the Earth sometime soon.
Find the good music people... it's out there. You might have to look harder, but it's out there and so much more enjoyable!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dishonor Roll: Cheap and Stupid
On their own, these are two character traits that are annoying, but manageable. When you combine them together, however, it's a lethal combination. Without getting into too much detail about things, I got to deal with the dynamic duo last night.
For me, the way it works is this: if you can't do it somewhere else, you can't do it here. For example, I can't go to another restaurant, walk behind the bar and make my own drinks because the bartender isn't around. Just doesn't happen.
In fact, if you were caught behind that bar, chances are you would catch the business end of a baseball bat or another blunt object in the knees while someone screamed profanities at you.
So what in the hell makes people think they can do the same anywhere else, regardless of the fact that you work there? When you're a customer, you're a customer, period. Customers don't go behind the bar.
What makes it all the more pleasurable is that the individual has made a habit of stiffing me on a nightly basis. A dollar here, two bucks there and one night where because she made no money, she decided it was okay that I didn't get what I was owed for making her drinks all night.
Super.
Now, I don't know what's going to happen to this chick; I know she's going to get in shit and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy. You get what you deserve and that's that.
The awesomeness is going to be seeing how things shake out at work once I go back, since I'm the newish guy and she's been around for a while. The good thing is I know I have a few people on my side, not that this is some kind of gang war or anything.
Honestly, it's just amazing to me how some people haven't already been eaten by bears.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Bro - Anything!
Before getting all surly, lemme wish you a Merry Christmas!
With that out of the way, let us begin, shall we?
The term bro is quite possibly my least favourite colloquialism in the entire English language. As if someone other than Peter Kyte or perhaps Francis Santos calling me brother wasn't bad enough, we had to go and be all lazy, shortening brother to bro, in the process creating the worst word ever.
GQ rightfully called out the word "bro" a bunch of months ago as being the most annoying and obnoxious thing one guy could call another.
Pictured is Brody Jenner, who obviously starts out with a -1 because his name contains the word in question.
What helps Brody fall even further into the negative is his new MTV series that is set to premiere any day now... Bromance.
As if he wasn't already the closest male approximation of Paris Hilton around, Brody is now following in Paris' reality TV foot steps by searching for a new friend to add to his entourage in the most ridiculously named series in the history of television.
Yes, Bromance is worst than Game Show in My Head, but not by much.
You know things are bad when I'm calling you out; I mean, I'm the guy who has confessed his man crushes and openly cops to being metrosexual without batting an eye, but Bromance? C'mon.
If I ever said to my boys back home that our friendship was a bromance, I would be looking for new friends. Anyone with halfway normal guy friends would be and rightfully so.
D'you know you uses terms like bromance?
Douchebags.
Guys with popped collars.
People who still wear visors and still have them cocked to the side a little.
The "My New Haircut Guy" from YouTube.
No one likes any of those guys, except for maybe the guys he's bromantic with...
There, do you see how stupid it sounds?
Don't be a douchebag - just say no to bro!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Marlin Travel
I'ma kill somebody!
We're four months away from our wedding day and everything - literally everything about our trip to the Dominican is fucked.
After months of hassling our Travel Agent, she finally got around to sending out invoices last week, a good five weeks after asking me for all the addresses I had previously forwarded to her and after she took her last two weeks vacation for the year.
Now they turn up today and half of our guests are booked for the wrong week...
CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE!
Bad is us having to get on her case about sending the invoices.
Worse is knowing that with the economic collapse that we're paying far more than we really should be.
Un-fucking-believable is what happens if this shit can't be sorted out?
Sweet suffering fuck I want a cigarette...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Jimmy Fallon
This one has been a long time coming.
I can't remember ever liking Jimmy Fallon. Not ever. He's just not funny to me.
He wasn't funny for the years that he couldn't make it through a skit on SNL without cracking up and the only thing funny about his movie career is how horrible movies like Taxi actually were. Not to mention that he absolutely bastardized Nick Hornby's outstanding Fever Pitch by making it about the Boston Goddamn Red Sox!
But none of that ever landed him on The Dishonour Roll because I could simply choose to ignore the moron and live my life as if he never existed.
Then I heard a piece of news today that made me want to kill the bastard.
Next year, Fallon takes over for Conan O'Brien when the Ginger takes over for Leno. Still with me?
Now Fallon getting his own late night gig is old news, so that isn't the cause of the displeasure either.
Reports that The Roots have stopped touring to become JIMMY FALLON'S HOUSE BAND is another story.
This fucker is going to rip The Legendary Roots Crew away from the world so ?uestlove can serve as his own Max Weinberg? The greatest hip hop band on the face of Planet Earth is going to play side stage to Jimmy Fucking Fallon?
Mayhaps I should be directing my anger towards The Roots, but let's be honest, if you threw enough money at me, I would do just about anything, so I can't totally blame them.
What lands Fallon on the list is that you know NBC is giving him their full support which means even if (when) he sucks balls, he's still going to be around because someone has to have the late night slot after Leno.
In turn, that means that if these reports are right, The Roots will be tied up being Jimmy Fallon's House Band for the foreseeable future, instead of touring the countryside delivering bad-ass shows to legions of fans.
So not only will the number of retards on late night TV increase, but I'll also lose one of my favourite bands of all-time?
I hate you Jimmy Fallon.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Britney Spears
Monday, September 29, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Megan Fox
With any good fortune, Megan Fox will become the next Susan Ward.
Who?
Exactly!
Susan Ward was a Hollywood "It Girl" circa 1999, when after some marginal performances on classic shows like Malibu Shores and Sunset Beach she landed a role in The In Crowd.
Basically, she was pretty, posed for some scantily clad glossies a time or two and shot to stardom. She hasn't been heard from since, unless you count starring in blockbusters like Who's Your Caddy? or playing Hooker #3 in Just Friends.
But why would I focus this ill will on the future Mrs. Brian Austin Green?
Read her interview in this month's GQ - on news stands now! - and tell me she isn't a walking hypocrisy that you just want to kick in the teeth.
Let's start with "I don't want to be famous right now," a quote taken directly from the article. You don't want to be famous right now? Fine, stop doing 967 photo shoots and giving interviews like this. Simple.
And don't whine about being so anxious to go on stage that you have to pop a Xanax before you do it either or how your entire life has become front page news. Maybe it's because you play bag-tag with your hubby in public and discuss how you fell in love with a stripper.
If you want people to know you through the movies you do, stop playing brainless sexpots and do some real acting. Bending over Bumblebee isn't acting. Playing the sexy young starlet in the upcoming How to Lose Friends and Alienate People isn't acting either; it's called being Megan Fox.
Oh wait... there's more!
"Transformers 2 is directed by Michael Bay."
That was her response to being asked if her character in the upcoming sequel has more depth and development from the original where she was simple eye candy with seven lines.
While I agree that Michael Bay isn't synonymous with character development, shut your pie hole and be appreciative, because without Michael Bay, you're nobody special. Dude made you who you are right now and you slag him about something he lampoons himself about... makes you sound like a spoiled little bitch in my books.
Throughout the interview, she pretty much rails against the sexual double standards that exist in society.
Fair play, but guess what sister? They've been around much longer than your 22 years and will be here for the foreseeable future, so whining about it doesn't do a lot of good.
Disney isn't going to get mad at the douche bag who posted Vanessa Hudgens' naked pictures; they're going to get mad at their cash cow for potentially ruining a million dollar enterprise whether that is fair or not. Same with the whole Miley Cyrus flap.
These girls apologized because they like their careers and the money they make. I'm sure they don't feel bad about the actual pictures, they just know that Disney is a machine that will keep churning out new tween queens whenever the old one wears out and getting as much money and work out of them before getting dumped is a lot smarter than saying things like "Fuck Disney" and watching High School Musical 3 where we suddenly find out Gabriella died over the summer and some new bitch has stolen Troy's heart.
Megan Fox just isn't smart enough to understand that yet.
Or any part of the business for that matter.
Actually, she's just not smart, period.
At least not in my books and that's what landed her here.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Gwen Stefani
Technically, Gavin Rossdale should be getting lumped in here too, but since I'm certain Ms. Hollaback Girl is the one who wears the pants in the relationship, she's taking the heat solo.
What has landed Ms. Stefani on the always popular Dishonour Roll today?
Naming her second child Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.
Be advised, there is profanity ahead...
What in the fuck are you thinking?
How do you actually look at your child and think, "You know what would be a good name? Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. I like that."
This one actually takes the cake over all the other horribly retarded celebrity-named spawns out there like Suri Cruise and Apple Martin and Peaches Geldoff.
Fuck it, this one tops the Frank Zappa Collection of Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuuhka Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen.
Well maybe it doesn't top The Zappa Kids, but still.
Where the fuck do parents get off dropping these kinds of names on their children? I know I've ranted and raved about this before, but then something like this happens to give credence to the argument that there should be some kind of regulatory board parents have to apply to in order to name their child.
Not that this kid - or any of the other celebrity spawns with stupid names - are ever going to live quiet, normal lives in the first place, but naming your kid Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale is a whole different ballgame.
Remember how your face scrunched up when you heard Gwyneth and Chris Martin named their kid Apple? "It's fruit, not a name," were the first words out of my mouth. Not so bad now, huh?
What makes this all the more incredible to me is that I'm one of those people who doesn't want to saddle his children with generic, boring ass names once they get here. They also will not receive the trendy (read: overused) monikers like Madison or Mackenzie, Caleb or Aidan either. But nothing we're thought up (yes, we've discussed baby names...) even comes close to comparing with Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.
Maybe I should start using that in my arguments for some of the names I like.
"How about Zuma Nesta Rock Kyte? No? Makes Xavier sound a whole lot better thought, doesn't it?"
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Bar Training
Making another appearance here on iBlog is the always popular Dishonour Roll, a segment dedicated to the stupid people and ridiculous events that enter my world.
Stepping up to the plate today are the fine folks at Montana's Cookhouse and their conviction that I must undergo Bar Training.
As I told you a couple weeks back, I'm back pulling on the taps and popping caps off bottles on a semi-regular basis. At the same time that they hired me, two other people were also given an opportunity to work behind the bar, neither of whom have any experience.
My appointment to the role of bartender was someone out of necessity - a dude got himself fired and they needed someone with experience ASAP to cover the shifts he would no longer be working.
Cue me and two days later, I'm opening the bar solo.
No big deal - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. A week later, I was closing the bar on a Sunday night. Again, no problemo.
In the meantime, the other two hires have been pulling 3 hour shifts training behind the bar for the last two weeks or so, getting used to the pace, learning how to do counts, figuring what makes a Long Island Iced Tea and all that.
So here I am yesterday, chilling on my day off when the phone rings at 6:45.
The bar is getting swamped and they want me to come in and help out.
After a brief internal struggle over my willingness to go in, I showed up at work, smashed through an hour on the bar and was ready to go when the bartender who was on asked me, "Aren't you staying to train on close tonight?"
I says pardon?
In the least arrogant way possible, I explained that training on the bar isn't something that I am in serious need of, what with having run a fine establishment on my own for a time up in Midland and having been behind a bar a time or two. The newbies I understand, but me? No thanks.
Unfortunately, this might be something I can't escape.
See, the managers aren't going to want to be put in a position where the other two hires can complain about having to go through training while I just waltz back behind the bar and start making cash - training shifts mean no tips.
They also won't want to put themselves in a spot where I can screw up and then use the "Well I didn't get any training" cop out, which I would never think of doing to be totally honest.
So, I can understand the need to make me work a couple of craptacular 3 hour tours of duty behind the bar under the watchful eyes of K. Reid or CB (our two senior bartenders), but here is the rub:
How you gonna make me do these stupid training shifts after I'm closing the bar next Saturday and Sunday night?
I'm scratching your back and covering for when you gave two bartenders the same entire weekend off. Now you scratch mine and get rid of the unnecessary training.
Pouring beer is pouring beer, I'm a clean freak when it comes to the areas I work and I know how to count. What else is there to know? At least there is no eLearning to go along with it...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Steven Page
"Hey, I know I great idea - hows about I get busted with some blow right as we release Snacktime, our first kids album, and are scheduled to appear at a huge Disney-backed Kids Music show?"
While I'm sure Steven Page never really uttered those words, that's pretty much how things have gone over the last week for the co-lead singer of Barenaked Ladies.
Last week, New York State police arrested Page for possession of a controlled substance. As always, Page, the label, his bandmates and everyone involved immediately said his innocence would be proven. Except it won't.
According to the Canadian Press, Page flat out admitted to the Staties that he was snorting coke. Kind of hard to prove your innocence when the cops can simply read the statements you made as they were clamping the shiny, silver bracelets on you.
Now I'm no boy scout and no where near naive - rock stars and drugs... Who would have thought? - especially when it comes to the a guy who wrote a song with a chorus containing the words "Another postcard from chimpanzees," but the timing couldn't be worse.
Making this situation suck further is that these guys are one of the biggest Canadian bands around and one of the few I'm proud to acknowledge as actually being from Canada - "Celine Dion? No, she's from France I think. Nickelback too." - and this dickfor has to go out and get busted with some nose candy.
I find it somewhat ironic that the guy from the goofy, funny band gets busted for blow while Adam Gontier, the guy from the hard rocking "look like they'd use drugs" band Three Days Grace, went out, got clean and toured detox centers for their last album. Maybe it's just me...
At the end of the day, I guess we all know what Steven Page's craving when Snacktime rolls around.
Welcome to the Dishonour Roll douchebag!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Dishonour Roll: eLearning
That's right. It's back! At least for today, anyways...
Whoever came up with the idea of eLearning needs to be kicked in the crotch, regardless of gender.
This is quite possibly the worst invention ever and makes my list of reasons why I want to be a full-time writer, just after "Getting dressed for work means putting on underwear" and right ahead of "Watching crappy Daytime TV on a regular basis."
With the move to Montana's comes 23 online instructional video sessions to sit through.
No, I'm not exaggerating, there really are 23 videos.
Besides being voiced by some constipated tool who speaks like you've hit the slow motion button, they are nothing more than a time-suck filled with obvious information and common sense logic that companies are forced to force upon their staff because some dipshit thought trying to catch a falling knife was a good idea...
The best part though, is that no matter what position you're in, you have to do all of the training. So here's me, Johnny Server, spending two hours last night clicking through the Safe Knife Handling session when the only time a knife will ever be in my hands is in my own kitchen. And should I want to wipe that knife on my pants or chop both meat and vegetables with it, the eLearning Police aren't going to come barging through my door... are they?
I suppose I shouldn't be mad at Montana's or even the fact that I have to do this mind-numbing nightly exercise since they do pay me for it.
I should really be mad at the dumb sacks of hammers who make some of the ridiculous mistakes they illustrate in these sessions, because you know somewhere along the line, some jackass actually handed a knife to a colleague blade side out or stabbed himself while improperly sharpening a knife.
At least it's not as bad as Home Depot - they wouldn't even let me go near a cash register until I had complete 20 hours of this shit. Can have someone working as a cashier unless they understand the science of scanning a barcode...
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Death of the Dishonour Roll
It is with little remorse that we announce the passing of the Thursday segment "The Dishonour Roll," which made it's last public appearance on January 31, 2008. Following a lackluster performance of chirping at a 3-year-old child for being a 3-year-old child, The Dishonour Roll crawled into bed for a nap and never woke up.
Remembered for chastising Dina Lohan and mocking The Spears Family, the intention of the Dishonour Roll was intriguing and showed some promise, but ultimately, it ended up sounding like a guy sitting in a chair, bitching for the sake of bitching, and no one needs that in their life.
If we may, a moment of silence for our fallen column...
Rest In Peace.
* * * * * * * * * *
So now the question becomes "What the hell am I going to write about on Thursdays?"
As of right now, there is no immediate answer. While I like the thought of having segments slotted for different days of the week, I also have found them to be some of the hardest bits to write because sometimes there just wasn't anyone who really needed to be called out in the Dishonour Roll or a full 10 Things That I Learn in a week. Soundtrack is safe because music still permeates my life and there are literally thousands of songs I can pull from. Same goes for The Rundown.
Until something really great strikes me - which may never happen - we're just going to wing it and take each Thursday as it comes. Sound good to you?
* * * * * * * * * *
Do you remember what movies you've seen and what movies you haven't?
Working at Blockbuster, it strikes me as annoyingly odd when people come up to the counter or stop me while I'm walking on the floor and ask me to check their accounts to see if they have seen a certain film. How do you not remember?
I'm not talking about movies from days gone by or anything like that either; we're talking brand-spanking-new releases that haven't even been out for two months and people can't remember if they've seen it.
We used to live with a girl who was afflicted with this condition. No word of a lie, pretty much every movie she ever picked off the shelf when she came into the store or asked me to bring home for her at one point or another she had actually already seen. How does that happen? How do you forget that you've seen Babel? And Friends with Money. And Perfect Stranger. Not that these are all great movies, but c'mon, is it that hard to remember? Seriously, it became a bad joke... and annoying as hell. Without fail, ten minutes into a movie you would hear, "Oh, yeah, I have seen this. Now I remember."
Granted, this could be a case of me being freakishly weird by being able to tell you with some certainty whether or not I have seen a specific movie dating back as far as I can remember. So long as you give me a little insight into the flick if I'm cloudy on it, I think I can be pretty damn accurate. I know, I'm a geek. I accept that.
The lingering question for me is does this affliction transfer over to other segments of Pop Culture as well? Do these people forget what books they've read too until their twenty pages in? What about music? Do they forget what songs they've heard? What artists they like?
And what about everyday life? Does it pop up there as well? Forget what groceries you bought the other day and end up with three cartons of eggs in the fridge?
Please help me if you can... I need to understand how this works.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Lil' Stomper
I know he's just a kid; that's why I'm going to make this quick. That and I'm exhausted because the stomping began at 7 AM and I didn't get much sleep.
It's as if the kid wears concrete shoes, which he can't possibly, because he's three and all, but seriously, it's that damn loud. From the minute he gets up (somewhere between 7 & 8 AM each and every day) until the time he goes to bed, which for some reason isn't until like 12:30 some nights, it's non-stop stomping.
There is a thundering herd of elephants living above me and it's driving me insane. I actually want to go upstairs one of these days and see if I can just sit in their living room and watch the kid play. Why? Because from where I sit on a daily basis, it's as if this kid does nothing but runs from one side of the room to the other and back all day long. Doesn't he have a Nintendo or something to play with? If not, can I buy him one?
What makes it all even better is that I'm almost positive that the household upstairs isn't a "No Shoes In The House" house, which means simple walking sounds like a sonic boom in our apartment. It's like we live underneath a group of Reverse Ninjas. This kid is the sworn enemy of Ryu Hayabusa.
Anyway, it's quiet now and I have to work tonight, so it's time to get some sleep. Stupid Lil' Stomper...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Those Who Frequent The Block
Please Note: The views expressed in this diatribe do not reflect those of Blockbuster Canada Ltd. or it's subsidiaries. They are solely the views of the author and maybe one or two other people who have held a similar job.
This does not apply to every customer.
There are some who are great, some who are okay and some who know exactly what they want, don't say anything to you and leave the store quickly. We love them.
As for the rest of the lot... pffffft!
We have to say something to you when you come through the door or else we get in shit. You saying "Hi" and thinking it's the funniest, most original thing ever is a bad way to start.
It's not a fast food joint. You don't come up to the counter, tell us what movies you want and then stand there expecting us to get them for you. Do you go to the grocery store and hand some clerk your list while they run the aisles for you? Go look for your own shitty movies douchebag!
And another thing - the movies are in alphabetical order (roughly) so it's not rocket science... all you need to do is take 4 seconds to look. Recite the alphabet to yourself if it helps.
It's a real easy system. There is the coverbox with all the pretty pictures and words then stacks of the movie for you to rent. Which one do you think you bring to the counter?
Don't come in and ask me to recommend a movie when you've already watched 95% of the movies we're schilling. You saying, "Seen that" over and over drives me bonkers and not just because it's grammatically incorrect either.
I personally do not own Blockbuster Video, nor am I the person who called your house or sent you the Collections Letter. Just remember that next time you want to go on an obscenities-laced yelling spree 'kay?
While we're on the subject - if you don't want us calling you and you don't want to get sent to collections... BRING THE GODDAMN MOVIES BACK! Who the fuck needs a movie for more than 7 days anyways?
You can't get a refund just because a movie sucked. There are two reasons for this: (1) We'd go out of business real quick because 50% of the movies at Blockbuster lick balls and (2) You picked the fucking thing... it's not my fault you're a moron!
Is it so hard to produce a membership card or some form of ID? It's not like we're asking for a urine sample or anything... so why the hell do you gotta get so goddamn pissy when I ask to see your ID? You drove here, shouldn't you have your license on you?
Shockingly, I'm not kidding when I tell you that you can't rent anything until the $196.48 balance on your account for seven overdue movies and three games is paid. If you didn't have to pay it, why would I mention it in the first place?
We don't have a Prison Section. Stop asking. It goes Family, TV, Foreign, Drama, Action and Comedy. Did you hear Prison anywhere in there?
Newsflash: We don't have a porn section either. Don't come to us for your pornographic needs. Get it the same place everyone else does... The Internet.
Just because I work at Blockbuster it doesn't mean that I know the name of that movie with that guy who was in that thing with that girl...
Seeing a movie advertised on TV usually means it is just hitting the theatres, unless the commercial ends with "Own it Today on DVD!" So please, do us all a favour and stop asking if we have the new Rambo, I Am Legend or anything else still raking it in at the box office. And don't argue with me when I tell you it's still in theatres...
If you know your movie is 4000 days late, why must you throw it in the drop box before you come try to rent something? You know I'm just going to have to go fish it out to clear your gigantic balance so you can rent more crap you're going to keep forever, so just bring them to the counter with you and save us both the headache.
I didn't give you the wrong movie as you were walking out. I gave you the movie you brought up to me at the counter, only you didn't pay attention when I read out the title to you because you were too busy yammering away on your cell phone/to one of your buddies/to your significant other. Coming in and blaming me for your attention deficit disorder isn't a good way to get me to help you out either.
D'you know what does work? Manners. Please, thank you, pardon, excuse me; those work. Everything else is just you starting down the path to me picking out a shitty movie for you.
No, that new Direct to DVD Wesley Snipes/Dolph Lundgran/Steven Seagall/Jean Claude Van Damme movie isn't any good. If it was, they would have released it to theatres. Please don't try to convince me otherwise. I already know better.
And finally...
Yes, you have to pay for the entire amount of your purchase, even if it means breaking a $20 bill. I'm not joking. This actually happens. Regularly, actually. You don't get to go to a restaurant for dinner and tell the waiter you're not paying the change because you'd have to break a $20 do you? Cheap bastards... cough up the dough! And no, you can't just leave it there until next time either.
So those are due back to us on Saturday. Have yourself a Lackluster Evening!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Golfweek Magazine
I had another group lined up for this week's Dishonour Roll, but I've had to put them on the shelf for now. I got home and heard about and saw the image to the left and had to change course.
If you've been here at all this week, you know we've been discussing race a great deal and the words of Kelly Tilghman, pictured right, an anchor on The Golf Channel. Golfweek Magazine has stoked the fire even more with this horrific choice of covers.
Someone at Golfweek Magazine should get fired over this. There is no question that the motive here was to sell magazines based of the controversy and that end result was put ahead of everything else. How someone - anyone - involved in green-lighting this cover didn't wonder aloud whether they were doing something horribly offensive is beyond me.
While you may say that sounds hypocritical coming from the guy who said he didn't understand the grave uproar over the Kelly Tilghman comments, I counter with this:
I give Tilghman the benefit of the doubt that she made a grievous mistake on live television and meant no harm with her comments. Some times, decent people make horrible mistakes and I think that is what happened in her case. She apologized immediately, was punished and we move on. Doesn't mean what she said was okay...
This is a whole different situation though, as this isn't off the cuff and unrehearsed on live TV. Someone started thinking about this the minute the comment became news and ran with it. This is an image that summons the fiercest anger in almost an entire community and there is no way that it should be allowed to sit on shelves around the world.
As a journalist, I am all for freedom of speech, but there are limits. To me, this image and this cover cross that line.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Steve Downie & Bobby Clarke
These two really do deserve each other.
One is a jackass forward for the Philadelphia Flyers, the other is a former jackass forward for the Philadelphia Flyers who has been involved with running the team pretty much since he hung up his skates. Neither has any business around the NHL.
Let's start with Steve Downie.
He was a pest and a shit disturber in junior, getting shipped out of Windsor because one of his rookie teammates wanted to beat the living daylights out of him over a hazing incident. Fine, he was a kid. Kids do some stupid things.
During the pre-season this year, he laid out Ottawa Senator forward Dean McAmmond with one of the worst hits I've seen in all my years of watching hockey. He took a big, premeditated run at a guy who didn't have the puck and was coming around the back of the net. Plus he left his feet, which is an absolute no-no. McAmmond didn't stand a chance and was carted off the ice on a stretcher. Somehow, not a single Senator managed to get a shot in on Downie. The league suspended him 20 games, a penalty that some saw as too harsh, others saw as too lenient and I thought was just about right.
So what does he do when he finally finishes serving his suspension and gets into an actual NHL game? He gets in a little skirmish with Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jason Blake and when the linesmen have grabbed a hold of both guys to break up the wrasslin, Downie pops Blake in the face one more time for old time sake.
Then we have Flyers Senior VP Bobby Clarke. This guy is a first class jackass; always has been, always will be. He must have pictures of Flyers owner Ed Snider, a donkey and a can of Cool Whip or something because Clarke never accomplished much as a General Manager over the years and somehow still gets to collect a pay cheque from the Flyers.
Anyhow, Clarke's slash to the ankle of Valeri Kharlamov in the '72 Summit Series and his asshole treatment of Eric Lindros at the tail end of his Philly tenure aside, Clarke gets this honour for his bullshit comments on TSN's Off The Record earlier this week.
For those of you outside of Canada, TSN is our version of ESPN, except the hosts are annoying for totally different reasons.
Back to Bobby... when asked about the Downie sucker punch, Clarke said that he loved it and that Blake should have expected retribution for opening his mouth about Downie's hit on Dean McAmmond. He also said that he thought Downie's initial suspension was unfair and likened his hit to those doled out by bonecrushing New Jersey Devils Captain Scott Stevens over the years.
I didn't watch the whole Q&A because I was already yelling at the TV too much and needed to make dinner, but I'm guessing that Clarke also saw no fault with Jesse Boulerice's crosscheck to the face of Ryan Kessler, Randy Jones' hit from behind that left Boston's Patrice Bergeron out cold and still on the shelf or Riley Cote's hit on Dallas defensemen Matt Niskanen either. Yes, all these guys are Flyers and all of this has happened this year...
The bottom line for both of these jaggovs to use a favourite of my one Philly friend Meech is that no one - and I mean NO ONE - in the NHL with an ounce of respect for their colleagues sucker punches a guy like Downie did the other night. Fighting is a part of the game and that is why you'll see guys give each other a pat on the head after a good tilt - they know they were both doing their job. Downie suckering Blake is akin to Albert Haynesworth stepping on Andre Gurode's head last year or Andrew Golota repeatedly smashing Riddick Bowe in the nuts for fight fans. It was just plain dirty.
These two douchebags deserve each other... and they deserve their place on the Dishonour Roll.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Dishonour Roll: Phil Kyte
This one is sort of long over due, but I just never wanted to tell you about it because I didn't want to be that person that just blurts out all their personal crap at the start of a relationship and makes the other person freak out. Yes, what we have here is a relationship. And yes, I got some demons just like everyone else.
Unlike previous Inductees, I know this one. At least, I used to.
I haven't spoken with my old man in over two years. In fact, we've spoken once in the last five years and that was at his mother's funeral a couple Novembers ago when I bombed into Cornwall for an afternoon to pay my respects. That's just how it is now.
Long story short, my old man spent the duration of his marriage to my mom cheating on her. There were stretches where he was a good boy and didn't stray, but for the most part, given the opportunity, he would make the wrong decision. I only learned all this in 1999 when Faye finally got tired of all the bullshit and filed for divorce.
After they split, I toughed it out and stayed in his life as best I could, coming home for visits, going golfing, staying at his place, but he just wasn't happy with his situation and moved back to his family home in Cornwall where at least he would have his brothers and sister around as support. He took up with some woman, but that didn't last long and after one final shouting match in a bar when I was home for my Uncle Jack's funeral, ties were severed.
Phil Kyte could have been so much more than he is today. He was smart, charming, witty and well-liked, but he didn't like himself and has some serious issues that he never wanted to deal with properly. Now I have no idea where he is or what he is up to. He will never meet his granddaughter Emily Grace, and he has missed out on the better part of the last five years of my life. That's part of the reason I intend to make my leap into literary stardom on the back of our story... because he could have been a real part of it had he wanted to be, but that, like everything else in life, was too hard for him.
The reason I am telling you this, and featuring him in the Dishonour Roll, was my mentioning of writing a book yesterday as one of my resolutions. The book is about him. Actually, the book is about my relationship with him and the situation as it has now become. It was originally titled "Superman is Dead" but I figured Our Lady Peace would sue me for using the name of one of their songs as the title of my book. Perhaps DC Comics would have been a little mad too...
A long time coming and probably the most fitting of all thus far.
Welcome to the Dishonour Roll Phil... wherever you are.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Dishonour Roll: The Spears Family
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