When Are These Bitches Gonna Learn?

Here's the thing: if you're young, remotely famous and have a successful franchise on your hands, what in the fuck are you doing taking naked pictures of yourself and leaving them on your laptop?

Yet again, we've got another Disney starlet who has popped up with porn pics of herself that have shockingly gone missing from her formerly stolen laptop.

Adrienne Bailon - part of the Disney Cheetah Girls collective - is all over the Interwebs today, both bashing the bastard who stole her laptop and baring her backside in pictures taken for her boyfriend, Rob Kardashian of the Reality TV Kardashians.

Now this isn't as bad as the Vanessa Hudgens picture scandal because (1) Cheetah Girls is no HSM and (2) Bailon's 25-years-old as opposed to Hudgens who is only now 20.

Still, you have to know that Disney is going to be some kind of pissed that another one of their pre-fab poptarts is playing picture time in her birthday suit...

Haven't these tramps heard of Polaroids?

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Dishonour Roll: Megan Fox

With any good fortune, Megan Fox will become the next Susan Ward.

Who?

Exactly!

Susan Ward was a Hollywood "It Girl" circa 1999, when after some marginal performances on classic shows like Malibu Shores and Sunset Beach she landed a role in The In Crowd.

Basically, she was pretty, posed for some scantily clad glossies a time or two and shot to stardom. She hasn't been heard from since, unless you count starring in blockbusters like Who's Your Caddy? or playing Hooker #3 in Just Friends.

But why would I focus this ill will on the future Mrs. Brian Austin Green?

Read her interview in this month's GQ - on news stands now! - and tell me she isn't a walking hypocrisy that you just want to kick in the teeth.

Let's start with "I don't want to be famous right now," a quote taken directly from the article. You don't want to be famous right now? Fine, stop doing 967 photo shoots and giving interviews like this. Simple.

And don't whine about being so anxious to go on stage that you have to pop a Xanax before you do it either or how your entire life has become front page news. Maybe it's because you play bag-tag with your hubby in public and discuss how you fell in love with a stripper.

If you want people to know you through the movies you do, stop playing brainless sexpots and do some real acting. Bending over Bumblebee isn't acting. Playing the sexy young starlet in the upcoming How to Lose Friends and Alienate People isn't acting either; it's called being Megan Fox.

Oh wait... there's more!

"Transformers 2 is directed by Michael Bay."

That was her response to being asked if her character in the upcoming sequel has more depth and development from the original where she was simple eye candy with seven lines.

While I agree that Michael Bay isn't synonymous with character development, shut your pie hole and be appreciative, because without Michael Bay, you're nobody special. Dude made you who you are right now and you slag him about something he lampoons himself about... makes you sound like a spoiled little bitch in my books.

Throughout the interview, she pretty much rails against the sexual double standards that exist in society.

Fair play, but guess what sister? They've been around much longer than your 22 years and will be here for the foreseeable future, so whining about it doesn't do a lot of good.

Disney isn't going to get mad at the douche bag who posted Vanessa Hudgens' naked pictures; they're going to get mad at their cash cow for potentially ruining a million dollar enterprise whether that is fair or not. Same with the whole Miley Cyrus flap.

These girls apologized because they like their careers and the money they make. I'm sure they don't feel bad about the actual pictures, they just know that Disney is a machine that will keep churning out new tween queens whenever the old one wears out and getting as much money and work out of them before getting dumped is a lot smarter than saying things like "Fuck Disney" and watching High School Musical 3 where we suddenly find out Gabriella died over the summer and some new bitch has stolen Troy's heart.

Megan Fox just isn't smart enough to understand that yet.

Or any part of the business for that matter.

Actually, she's just not smart, period.

At least not in my books and that's what landed her here.

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Final Thoughts on Miley...

The other day when I was talking with Sarah, she reminded me of an piece I wrote a couple summers back called The Decline of the Girl Next Door, where I basically said we're at a stage now where there are 20 skanks to every 1 Girl Next Door.

She wondered how I could take the "It's her back for crissakes!" approach to the Miley thing considering I was the guy advocating for the return of the GND.

And so, here we go...

Miley isn't the Girl Next Door.

First and foremost, she's a Disney Prop.

Secondly, she's an actress and business person and it is easy to see that the market needed a new wholesome teen queen for the tween set and their mothers to flock to with the departure of the Trailer Park Princess and her hillbilly sister getting knocked up too.

That's why these other photos from some guy's MySpace page aren't very shocking at all. Little Ms. Miley flashing her bra and making with the sexy eyes. It's like how Britney professed her chastity when you, me and everyone else knew that JT was getting lucky. Image is everything.

Part of my defense comes from the fact that the last reigning Disney Dream, Vanessa Hudgens, got barely a slap on the wrist from Disney for her pro-bush pics and I don't mean the President. Baby V snapped pics of her snapper and got a slap on the wrist; Miley shows a little back and Disney and a bunch of pissy parents, go ballistic. How is that right?

But the biggest part, at least in regards to my thoughts on the the Girl Next Door, is that The Girl Next Door is an ideal and a dead one at that, I'm afraid. Hollywood's take on the concept was the nail in the coffin.

Nothing I say can change the fact that by the time my niece hits 13, she's going to know more about sex than I do now... which isn't saying much, but you get the point.

Sex is marketed to every age group at every turn, starting as soon as playing with Barbie becomes uncool. So, five or six.

Does that mean I like it? No, it means I've come to grips with the fact that when I was growing up, fathers didn't have to start sitting on porches with shotguns until 16.

Now, I've got to end this so I can go and polish my shooter... and I don't even have kids yet.

With that in mind, who the hell are we to get all up in arms if Miley Cyrus wants to show her back? At least she's not popping out a kid or starring in her own sextape.

See? Perspective.

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