Honestly - I'm Not Retarded

While it wasn't quite as bad as twenty hours of eLearning about how to greet a table, but my training shift on the bar tonight came awful close.

What part of "I have been bartending off and on over the last eleven years including at two bars that I managed and another Cara Foods establishment" suggested to our Bar Manager that I would need to spend a night learning the ropes?

I can pull on a draft handle. I make a mean Caesar. Opening bottles of wine isn't a challenge for me.

Regardless, there I was tonight, spending three hours behind the bar as Troy's bitch, doing all the work while he yakked it up and made all the money. I can't be mad - I'd have done the same damn thing too.

What makes it even better is that (a) I was hired as a full-time bartender and this is the first time I've been behind the bar and (b) they must have some confidence in my skills without this training since I open on Monday and am slotted to work New Year's Eve.

Never fails though: the new guy shows up and everyone thinks he's a retard. At least it only took two months to convince them I'm not...

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Dishonour Roll: Bar Training

Making another appearance here on iBlog is the always popular Dishonour Roll, a segment dedicated to the stupid people and ridiculous events that enter my world.

Stepping up to the plate today are the fine folks at Montana's Cookhouse and their conviction that I must undergo Bar Training.

As I told you a couple weeks back, I'm back pulling on the taps and popping caps off bottles on a semi-regular basis. At the same time that they hired me, two other people were also given an opportunity to work behind the bar, neither of whom have any experience.

My appointment to the role of bartender was someone out of necessity - a dude got himself fired and they needed someone with experience ASAP to cover the shifts he would no longer be working.

Cue me and two days later, I'm opening the bar solo.

No big deal - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. A week later, I was closing the bar on a Sunday night. Again, no problemo.

In the meantime, the other two hires have been pulling 3 hour shifts training behind the bar for the last two weeks or so, getting used to the pace, learning how to do counts, figuring what makes a Long Island Iced Tea and all that.

So here I am yesterday, chilling on my day off when the phone rings at 6:45.

The bar is getting swamped and they want me to come in and help out.

After a brief internal struggle over my willingness to go in, I showed up at work, smashed through an hour on the bar and was ready to go when the bartender who was on asked me, "Aren't you staying to train on close tonight?"

I says pardon?

In the least arrogant way possible, I explained that training on the bar isn't something that I am in serious need of, what with having run a fine establishment on my own for a time up in Midland and having been behind a bar a time or two. The newbies I understand, but me? No thanks.

Unfortunately, this might be something I can't escape.

See, the managers aren't going to want to be put in a position where the other two hires can complain about having to go through training while I just waltz back behind the bar and start making cash - training shifts mean no tips.

They also won't want to put themselves in a spot where I can screw up and then use the "Well I didn't get any training" cop out, which I would never think of doing to be totally honest.

So, I can understand the need to make me work a couple of craptacular 3 hour tours of duty behind the bar under the watchful eyes of K. Reid or CB (our two senior bartenders), but here is the rub:

How you gonna make me do these stupid training shifts after I'm closing the bar next Saturday and Sunday night?

I'm scratching your back and covering for when you gave two bartenders the same entire weekend off. Now you scratch mine and get rid of the unnecessary training.

Pouring beer is pouring beer, I'm a clean freak when it comes to the areas I work and I know how to count. What else is there to know? At least there is no eLearning to go along with it...

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Dishonour Roll: eLearning

That's right. It's back! At least for today, anyways...

Whoever came up with the idea of eLearning needs to be kicked in the crotch, regardless of gender.

This is quite possibly the worst invention ever and makes my list of reasons why I want to be a full-time writer, just after "Getting dressed for work means putting on underwear" and right ahead of "Watching crappy Daytime TV on a regular basis."

With the move to Montana's comes 23 online instructional video sessions to sit through.

No, I'm not exaggerating, there really are 23 videos.

Besides being voiced by some constipated tool who speaks like you've hit the slow motion button, they are nothing more than a time-suck filled with obvious information and common sense logic that companies are forced to force upon their staff because some dipshit thought trying to catch a falling knife was a good idea...

The best part though, is that no matter what position you're in, you have to do all of the training. So here's me, Johnny Server, spending two hours last night clicking through the Safe Knife Handling session when the only time a knife will ever be in my hands is in my own kitchen. And should I want to wipe that knife on my pants or chop both meat and vegetables with it, the eLearning Police aren't going to come barging through my door... are they?

I suppose I shouldn't be mad at Montana's or even the fact that I have to do this mind-numbing nightly exercise since they do pay me for it.

I should really be mad at the dumb sacks of hammers who make some of the ridiculous mistakes they illustrate in these sessions, because you know somewhere along the line, some jackass actually handed a knife to a colleague blade side out or stabbed himself while improperly sharpening a knife.

At least it's not as bad as Home Depot - they wouldn't even let me go near a cash register until I had complete 20 hours of this shit. Can have someone working as a cashier unless they understand the science of scanning a barcode...

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