Dishonor Roll: Popular Music

Let me make this clear: there are outstanding bands and musicians out there who I love and could listen to for hours on end.

You know this, of course, seeing as I don't have much trouble coming up with a Soundtrack song every Friday.

That being said, the current state of Pop Music is absolutely atrocious and yes, that includes my man Kanye!

Let's start with Mr. West, shall we?

One of the best MCs to come along in some time, Kanye has given up delivering descriptive lyrics and telling stories over tight beats to hook up an auto-tuner and record 808's and Heartbreak, an album of "him" singing. I say "him" because, well, it's not actually him. It's the auto-tuned version of him and it's craptacular.

Which transitions beautifully into Ms. Britney Spears, making her third appearance on the Dishonor Roll. Not one to shy away from letting a computer "enhance" her vocal abilities, Brit-Brit gets lumped into this angry rant against current songs in heavy rotation for the lovely little ditty "If You Seek Amy" and it's touching lyrics.

All of the boys and all of the girls are dying to if you seek Amy.

For those who are missing what the ever-so-crafty former Mrs. Federline is saying, here's that last part phonetically: F-U-C-K me.

Classy.

Then there is Akon.

I've actually seen Akon in concert; he performed at this tight show I went to in England for the Prince's Trust. He happened to be on the bill, while I was there for Common, De La Soul, The Streets and Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince.

Anyway, even in those early days, everything Akon put out sounded the same. "Living in the Ghetto" sounded a lot like "Locked Up" and the pattern has continued throughout his discography. There is absolutely nothing unique about his current single "Beautiful" to distinguish it from any other Akon song, so what gives?

Of course, I've already covered my current least favorite artist Lady Gaga, so I won't go into that any further, other than to say that I hope her and her poker face fall off the face of the Earth sometime soon.

Find the good music people... it's out there. You might have to look harder, but it's out there and so much more enjoyable!

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Soundtrack of My Life

Song: Womanizer
Artist: Britney Spears
Album: Circus (2008)

Try and tell me this isn't the most infectious song of the year, maybe of the last couple years. G'head... try.

My utter disdain for Ms. Spears hasn't changed, but sweet merciful jebus this track is permanently etched in my head, to the point that it came on at work yesterday and without even thinking I was singing right along, word for word and had to actually stop myself from breaking out into the dance moves...

That's how stuck in my head this damn thing is, so why try to deny it any longer?

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The Rundown: First Year Favourites

I got no idea where the time has gone, but Friday will mark the 1 Year Anniversary of this blog.

Since beginning last Halloween, there have been 336 post written on this site (including this one) which is a pretty healthy number if I do say so myself. It's been an absolute blast so far and I'd like to think that being here and doing this everyday has not only been a great help to me as a vehicle for improving my writing, but it's also been both educational and entertaining at times.

In fact, that's going to be the new description in the title box: I Blog Because I Can - Quality Canadian Edutainment!

Anyway, I thought I'd use today's Rundown to look back at the five posts I've enjoyed the most over this year. Whether it's because of what it means to me, the number of comments and discussions it got started or just because it was totally retarded and kept me laughing.

Since I'm showing you mine, it means you have to show me your's later... deal?

Top Five First Year Posts

5. Dane Cook: Please God Make It Stop

The second post in the history of iBlog, this one not only kept me laughing for hours after I finished because I'm very much that guy who laughs at his own jokes, but also became fairly topical shortly thereafter because Memorial University was actually trying to bring Douchebag Dane in for a show. Needless to say, I let everyone and anyone know how much I despise the unfunny funny man.

4. Searching for a Porn-ucopia!

I made fun of a lot of customers from my various places of employment over the course of the last year, but this one was easily the funniest. Dude came into Blockbuster out east looking for porn and when told him to go to Jumbo across the road, he scoffed as their selection wasn't up to code. Absolutely hilarious...

3. Anything About Britney or Lindsay or Megan Fox

Not because I get to run a picture of a scantily clad skank to draw in the casual surfers who Stumble Upon site, but because these ridiculous tramps always - and I mean always - provide some kind of material to write about. I mean, I know it's usually them being totally moronic or breathing our precious air. Plus, I would bet that I've written more posts about them combined than anything else. I'm too lazy to actually count, but feel free if you'd like.

2. Soundtrack of My Life

These pieces have been special to me not only because I love writing about music and they help shed a little light on my inspirations to all of you who read this site, but because I've helped turn some people onto new bands and songs and music and that is awesome. Newt loves Mark Ronson and out East my girl E used to have a Spencer Playlist on her iPod consisting of all the Soundtrack songs. That's the ultimate right there as far as I'm concerned.

1. The Three Posts About My Grandfather

These three posts are my favourites because of everything surrounding them. The sudden illness and passing of my grandfather back in May made me reassess some things in my life and take stock of what is really important. Sadly, it took his passing for me to realize just how important and influential he is in my life. I also really enjoyed getting the opportunity to introduce all of you an incredible man.

There. You've seen mine... show me your's in the comments section!

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Dishonour Roll: Britney Spears

Congratulations Brit - you're the first person to ever end up in the Dishonour Roll twice!

Originally making an appearance alongside the other members of her freakish family back when the world first learned young Jamie Lynn was all knocked up, the former Mrs. Federline make a return on the heels of me spending the afternoon on the couch feeling like a sack of garbage.

See, if I was well and not - I'll spare you the graphic imagery - I wouldn't have been watching the MuchMoreMusic Top 10 where her latest "Womanizer" landed at #3.

Now, I could very much make an argument for her place on this list because of how annoying the song itself is and how Britney sounds more and more like a robot / computer with each passing album, but I won't. Besides, if people got on the Dishonour Roll through crappy music, I would have to resurrect the DR on a permanent basis and it's a lot more fun surprising Smashly with random posts like this.

Anyway...

Brit-Brit lands on the list because of the video.

After a handful of years where no one would touch her with a ten foot pole and she looked like she was on the verge of one of the greatest celebrity meltdowns of all-time, she has somehow made like Lazarus and gotten another opportunity at a career and the spotlight.

What is her opening move?

Getting bare ass naked throughout half of the video!

I mean, a round of applause for dropping the extra lbs you were packing back in the Trailer Park Trainwreck days, but couldn't you have gone another way with this?

I'm not saying skirts to the ankles and fully buttoned shirts are in order, but you've got kids of your own who are look at you as a role model now and your opening salvo is laying on a bench butt naked?

Put some clothes on woman and do something meaningful for once. Take a page out of the Angelina Jolie Handbook.

Remember when Angie was totally crazy, looking like a vampire super model and passionately kissing her brother at the Oscars? She too married a total loser at one point - Hiya Billy Bob!

Then, she realized no one would ever take her seriously in her career or in general if she was a freak show her entire life. She made Beyond Borders, found something she was passionate about, dove in head first and now look at her...

She's great! That could be you Britney, but no, you'd rather dance around like a skank continuing to offer an unfortunate image for your children and others to look up to.

And for the record - we all get an assist on this one for actually paying attention to this freak show... way to go us!

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When Will These Kids Learn?

So American Idol winner Jordan Sparks has made a Virginity Vow.

Isn't that sweet?

In a word, no.

It's stupid. Don't you know you Pop Starlet History Jordan?

See that vampy, trampy thing to the right?

Yeah, you remember her: that's Britney before Kevin, two kids and a redneck meltdown that has been raging on for the last three years.

What you'll also remember is that she public declared that her legs would remain like The Go-Go's (and Duff Sisters') lips - sealed.

Guess what didn't happen?

Other young and chaste stars like The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus sport Purity Rings much like Sparks does to remind themselves of the commitment they've made (to themselves) to not have sex.

A couple things come to mind, neither of which are going to make me sound like a great guy, but in actually, it's just the cold, hard truth and some entertaining copy for everyone to enjoy:

1. Purity Rings, much like Wedding Rings unfortunately, can be taken off whenever you want. They aren't soldered onto your hand or etched into you skin like a tattoo (See how I did that? Worked Jordan Spark's song title into the piece... brilliant!), they are a piece of jewelry that you remove when you wash your hands. Or get naked.

2. I went to a Catholic church college affiliated with the University of Waterloo. In the Women's Residence, there were a lot of young Sparks-esque women, intent on saving themselves for marriage. I even dated a couple of them. Please feel free to draw your own conclusions...

3. Sure you don't want to have sex now, but wait a couple years. You're 16. Only tramps and Bady Daddies in Training are getting naked and frisky at 16*. But by the time you're 18 and you've made a load of money from the music biz, probably done a movie and are dating the Usher-in-Training of the time, you might have a different outlook on things.

* I'm just kidding by the way. A lot more people than tramps and BDIT are doing it at 16 and while that's a little scary to me, that's the world we live in.

While I don't encourage Jordan Sparks or any other songstress to go the Xtina Aguilera Route, buy some ass-less chaps and get Drrty, I would also recommend keeping all things regarding your private parts private.

That way, when you break this vow, no one gives a rat's ass.

Now you've just set yourself up for a fall and that's never a smart career move.

Ask Britney.

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Final Thoughts on Miley...

The other day when I was talking with Sarah, she reminded me of an piece I wrote a couple summers back called The Decline of the Girl Next Door, where I basically said we're at a stage now where there are 20 skanks to every 1 Girl Next Door.

She wondered how I could take the "It's her back for crissakes!" approach to the Miley thing considering I was the guy advocating for the return of the GND.

And so, here we go...

Miley isn't the Girl Next Door.

First and foremost, she's a Disney Prop.

Secondly, she's an actress and business person and it is easy to see that the market needed a new wholesome teen queen for the tween set and their mothers to flock to with the departure of the Trailer Park Princess and her hillbilly sister getting knocked up too.

That's why these other photos from some guy's MySpace page aren't very shocking at all. Little Ms. Miley flashing her bra and making with the sexy eyes. It's like how Britney professed her chastity when you, me and everyone else knew that JT was getting lucky. Image is everything.

Part of my defense comes from the fact that the last reigning Disney Dream, Vanessa Hudgens, got barely a slap on the wrist from Disney for her pro-bush pics and I don't mean the President. Baby V snapped pics of her snapper and got a slap on the wrist; Miley shows a little back and Disney and a bunch of pissy parents, go ballistic. How is that right?

But the biggest part, at least in regards to my thoughts on the the Girl Next Door, is that The Girl Next Door is an ideal and a dead one at that, I'm afraid. Hollywood's take on the concept was the nail in the coffin.

Nothing I say can change the fact that by the time my niece hits 13, she's going to know more about sex than I do now... which isn't saying much, but you get the point.

Sex is marketed to every age group at every turn, starting as soon as playing with Barbie becomes uncool. So, five or six.

Does that mean I like it? No, it means I've come to grips with the fact that when I was growing up, fathers didn't have to start sitting on porches with shotguns until 16.

Now, I've got to end this so I can go and polish my shooter... and I don't even have kids yet.

With that in mind, who the hell are we to get all up in arms if Miley Cyrus wants to show her back? At least she's not popping out a kid or starring in her own sextape.

See? Perspective.

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One Standard Isn't Good Enough. Make It a Double.

As I'm sure you know, there has been a great big uproar in the media about the forthcoming Vanity Fair article and photos featuring Miley Cyrus.

Disney, whom brought Miley to megastar status via Hannah Montana, is calling out Vanity Fair.

Miley says she's embarassed and sorry.

Vanity Fair says it's all crap.

In this one, as I would in many cases, I'm siding with Vanity Fair and not just because I would love to work at the Conde Nast Building.

First of all, it's her back for chrissakes. Her back!

Yes she's 15, but when did the media become a bunch of puritans who think a little ankle is too much skin? Then, of course, there are the years and years and years of far-more-horrible images that the media have made oodles and oodles of money on the back of. See how I did that there?

I know Disney is wholesome and wonderful and nice and clean and respectful and on and on and on, so I see their play in this. Their wholesome cash cow showing a little skin at 15 could turn some parents off letting their daughters spend gazillions on the myriad Hannah Montana marketing materials on the market.

Miley is in a dangerous spot here because she agreed to the shoot and her people (read: Achy Breaky Dad et al) were present the whole time. Now that there is a little scandal, they're trying to throw Vanity Fair under the bus. This is a bad spot for Miley no matter what. You either alienate Disney or Vanity Fair. Since Disney tends to end for people around, I dunno, say, 16, pissing off Vanity Fair may not be the career move you wish to make.

As for VF, they're still golden. This doesn't change anything for them. If anything, it sells more magazines, as if they need help. Annie Leibovitz did the photos and she's an icon, not some hack or scam artist who slying whispered in Miley's ear to show a little more back. Also, it's her back!

Which brings me to the main argument here. In case you've missed it thus far, people are in uproar over a young girls back.

Where the hell is the uproar when starlet after starlet puts their vagina on display heading to the clubs?

Or when these crotch-flash fanatics are rolling out to clubs long before they hit the legit limit? No one seems to be up in arms about that.

Why does the back of Miley Cyrus now become an issue?

Is it because she's the image of wholesomeness and young grace that parents want their daughters to aspire to? Because not that long ago, they wanted their daughters to grow up to be like Britney the Virgin, until she decided the sweet innocence routine wasn't paying enough and adopted her slutty hillbilly baby factory persona she rocks today and no one says a goddamn word about Britney and those like her.

We're never going to escape this. There is always going to be the ridiculous double standard where sex sells but scores of people, including those who gain from the selling sex, get angry about things that they perceive as sexual.

I just didn't know that we were back in the old days where seeing a little back was enough to drive man into a sexual frenzy.

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Musto on Lohan on Monroe: Priceless

Village Voice columnist Michael Musto has hit an undeniable home run.

Earlier in the week, the long-time columnist lampooned Lindsay Lohan's New Yorker Magazine homage to Marilyn Monroe with a photo shoot of his own and it is quite possibly the funniest thing I have seen in the last couple of months. It's funnier than Sarah Silverman Fucking Matt Damon or Jimmy Kimmel Fucking Ben Affleck. Well, so long as you're not Lindsay. Or Britney. Or Paris. Or their fans.

Besides the priceless photo shoot, which has Musto mimicking Lohan's poses and showing off his man-boobs, their is an accompanying essay that is one of the most on-point commentaries that I have heard on this current generation of sexed-up, boozed-up, panty-less starlets to date. One of the first few sentences of this piece sums it up perfectly for me:

Whereas yesterday's sexpot Jane Fonda had to apologize just for saying the word cunt, most of these refreshingly shameless bimbettes are only sorry when you can't see theirs, even if the exposed pubes give the lie to their natural blondeness.

The natural blondeness line is outstanding in it's own right, but the Jane Fonda bit is the part that resonates with me and should with everyone else too. While I don't advocate dropping the C-Bomb on television (using it in the privacy of your own home is perfectly fine though...), how is there an uproar that the Monster-In-Law used the word when we get weekly photographic updates on the vaginas of these pseudo-talents? I'd be more worried about the message the Anti-Underwear Squad are sending to my kids than I would be about Fonda using a word they've undoubtedly heard around the school yard a time or two. Besides, it's not like anyone who hasn't heard or used the word cunt a time or two in their lives even watches AM programming anyway...

The Lohan photo shoot, from which the above picture is from, works not only as a useful image for this piece, but also another point of discussion to the sheer lack of creativity and unoriginality of these "bimbettes" as Musto calls them.

Calling something an homage is a nice way to say you're stealing their idea. When in doubt of what to do, pay tribute to someone else's work by doing a complete and total knock-off, cashing in while you can. Britney has always tried to be Madonna and Lindsay now wants to be Marilyn. Here's a novel idea, be yourself. Oh, I'm sorry, you have to know who you are before you can start actually acting like an autonomous individual instead of a pre-programmed, pussy-flashing, washed up by 21 waste of time. My mistake.

A big round of applause for Michael Musto for showing off his unflattering bits and making an excellent point while garnering some great laughs on the side.

As for LiLo et al, put on some panties, use your abundant talents and do something productive. And just to be clear, by "abundant talents" I don't mean your tits. And a homemade porn tape doesn't count as productive either, no matter how much money it would fetch you.

Novel idea of the day: Throw on a shirt and maybe do a little acting. You remember acting don't you? It's what you used to do before you became a boozy train wreck.

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27 Years of Useless

I can't believe I forgot about this in 10 Things yesterday...

On February 17, 1981, Paris Whitney Hilton was welcomed into the world by parents Rick and Kathy Hilton.

On February 18, 1981, she started to become famous for doing absolutely nothing.

Actually, that isn't true. Paris is famous for a lot of things:

• One Night in Paris
• The Simple Life
• Really Bad Acting
• Even Worse Albums
• Trying to trademark the phrase "That's Hot"
• Showing off her vagina to anyone standing around while she exits a car
  
• Horrible Driving
• Once being engaged to a guy named Paris
• Popularizing carrying around little dogs as accessories

She's the former BFF of such noteworthy pseudo-talents as fellow crotch shot enthusiasts Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, as well as Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie and fellow "famous for absolutely nothing" Reality TV star Kim Kardashian.

Her list of former flames include male models (Jason Shaw), Avril's husband (Deryck Whibly of Sum 41), a Backstreet Boy (Nick Carter), The Sleaziest Man on Earth (Rick Soloman) and the Greek male version of herself (Stavros Niarchos).

Oh yeah, she is also the inspiration for Perez Hilton of course, which I sure as hell couldn't live without...

Happy Birthday Paris... here's to another year of doing absolutely nothing useful!

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Dishonour Roll: The Spears Family

Seriously, this is just too easy. The jokes almost write themselves. God love families like this and the ridiculous society we live in that has thrust the daily happenings of these good folks from Kentwood, LA into our lives.

We know all about Britney; for the sake of keeping the reading quick and easy, I'll simply say this:

When Kevin Federline is the good parent, you've got some serious issues. Right now - post VMA's - he also may be the better performer, which is a definite sign that the apocolypes is coming.

Now for the real good stuff.

Brit's Lil' Sis Jamie Lynn, who has her own show on Disney and is sort of a less liked version of Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus, announced to UK tabloid OK! that she is pregnant...

She's 16!

I'm no idiot and I know this stuff happens all the time and blah, blah, blah, but sweet merciful jebus wouldn't you think that this kid would take a look at what a train wreck her sister is and do everything imaginable to ensure she doesn't get knocked up?

Don't even start with the "accidents happen" and the only way to be 100% safe is to abstain mumbo-jumbo either; I've yet to meet anyone who got pregnant from swallowing, not to mention sundry other adult film options I won't get into at this time.

D'you know what makes it all even better? The cherry on top of the Britney / Jamie Lynn sundae?

Their mother was planning a parenting book!

Honestly - how does this happen? Who makes these decisions?

Unless the book was going to be called "I Raised'em Right and They Still Fucked Up" by Lynne Spears, this shouldn't have even been an option. Unless, of course, it was meant all along as a joke, but I know that wasn't the case.

Best of all was the "After the news of her 16-year-old daughter's pregnancy, plans for the Lynne Spears parenting book that she was working on have been put on hold."

D'you think?!

I never thought a family could out crazy the Lohans, but my god, the Spears Clan has gone and done it!

Someone needs to make this into a weekly TV show - Lohan's vs. Spears' : Crazy in Life. Sad thing is, I'm almost certain someone has probably suggested it at one point or another...

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