Dear God, Please Don't Let Me Have Daughters

Moving to a small town only reaffirmed for me that in no way will I be capable of dealing with a teenage daughter in the future.

I mean, sure, she could turn out perfect and I would do everything in my powers to teach her positive values and how to appreciate herself, but I'm pretty sure the parents of the skanky little 17-year-old Puck Bunnies I work with would tell you they've tried their best too.

For those who have never lived in a town centered around hockey, a Puck Bunny is a girl who lives to be with a hockey player, even if they are merely a 16-year-old kid playing Junior B. hockey in a ghost town like Kimberley.

To put this in perspective, I spent some of my formative years in Chatham, Ontario, a smallish city where hockey is everything. The Micmacs - now back to being the Maroons - were gods amongst mortals. D'you know how many of them amounted to much of anything on the ice? About three over the five years I lived in Chatham.

That's the same level of hockey the Kimberley Dynamiters play here in town and these little tramps I work with are all over them like they're the next Sidney Crosby.

While I've been forced to come to grips with the whole "16-year-olds showing up to work with their tits hanging out for all to see in stretchy pants" thing, hearing about the previous night's exploits makes me want to puke.

All I can think about is that one day, this could be my kid and I would go ballistic if she was out doing half the things these girls are doing on a weekend by weekend basis. I'm not saying you have to be a Puritan or anything like that, but have some self-respect.

It wasn't like this in my time.

When I was their age - you know, when they were 3 or 4 - there was one slut to every eight or ten regular girls and everyone wanted the regular girls.

Now, that ratio is flipped and the number of wannabe sluts vastly outnumbers the regular girls. What makes it worse is that it seems like with each passing year, the age for skankdom kicking in keeps getting lower and lower and lower and lower.

And do you know what the worst part of all of this is? The dirty old bastards that I work with who stand around soaking it all in, feeding into the systems, re-enforcing that dressing like sluts, going out and getting bombed every weekend and working your way through the third line of the local Junior B team is perfectly acceptable behaviour for a bunch of 17-year-old girls.

So I've taken to ridiculing the fuck out of the Puck Bunnies and throwing out High Fives to the normal ones...

It's okay to not be a skank!

This has been a public service announcement from ESKimo Enterprises.

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Here's A Better Idea

Reports indicate the NHL is considering putting a second NHL team in Toronto in the future.

To be blunt, the notion makes me sick.

Not just because I grew up in Hamilton and had my hopes of an NHL franchise in my backyard dashed a number of times or because I have an absolute hatred of all things Maple Leafs.

No, the idea of a second team in Toronto is ridiculous to me because cities across Canada that have, could and would support an NHL team are ignored completely while craptacular US cities like Nashville and Atlanta refuse to support teams.

Instead of giving a great place like Winnepeg another kick at the can or returning a franchise to Quebec City, the NHL would much rather make like the NBA has done in Los Angeles for years and have two teams calling Toronto home.

Of course, all of this has to do with finances, as Toronto could very easily support two teams and those poor Buffalo Sabres couldn't lobby against the efforts like they have in Hamilton as no one from the Niagara Region is going to drive two hours to Toronto when they can jump across the border and watch better hockey at The HBC.

The name being tied to all of this is Research in Motion millionaire Jim Balsillie, a man who a couple years back the NHL (read: Gary Bettman) basically instructed the owners of the Nashville Predators not to sell the franchise to. Now that teams, including Nashville, continue to struggle and the economy has taken a serious downturn, the NHL is ready to welcome Balsillie and his millions into the fold with open arms and a team in the biggest hockey market in the world.

While I have written at various sites about how much I would love to see the NHL have a stronger Canadian presence, this isn't what I had in mind. Although Toronto may have the best attendance and merchandise revenues around the league, they also have a long history that contributes to their ridiculously loyal fanbase. A second team in the city may not be the same cash cow as the Maple Leafs, except that everyone who can't get tickets to Leafs games would now have another option.

Instead of bringing a second team into the city that thinks of itself as the center of the Canadian world, why not branch out and grow the game in other markets or return it to cities that loyally served the NHL long before guys with deep pockets decided hockey would be a big sell in Nashville?

I mean really, you could stick a team out here in Cranbrook and they would draw better than the Atlanta Thrashers!

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Dishonour Roll: Steve Downie & Bobby Clarke

These two really do deserve each other.

One is a jackass forward for the Philadelphia Flyers, the other is a former jackass forward for the Philadelphia Flyers who has been involved with running the team pretty much since he hung up his skates. Neither has any business around the NHL.

Let's start with Steve Downie.

He was a pest and a shit disturber in junior, getting shipped out of Windsor because one of his rookie teammates wanted to beat the living daylights out of him over a hazing incident. Fine, he was a kid. Kids do some stupid things.

During the pre-season this year, he laid out Ottawa Senator forward Dean McAmmond with one of the worst hits I've seen in all my years of watching hockey. He took a big, premeditated run at a guy who didn't have the puck and was coming around the back of the net. Plus he left his feet, which is an absolute no-no. McAmmond didn't stand a chance and was carted off the ice on a stretcher. Somehow, not a single Senator managed to get a shot in on Downie. The league suspended him 20 games, a penalty that some saw as too harsh, others saw as too lenient and I thought was just about right.

So what does he do when he finally finishes serving his suspension and gets into an actual NHL game? He gets in a little skirmish with Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jason Blake and when the linesmen have grabbed a hold of both guys to break up the wrasslin, Downie pops Blake in the face one more time for old time sake.

Then we have Flyers Senior VP Bobby Clarke. This guy is a first class jackass; always has been, always will be. He must have pictures of Flyers owner Ed Snider, a donkey and a can of Cool Whip or something because Clarke never accomplished much as a General Manager over the years and somehow still gets to collect a pay cheque from the Flyers.

Anyhow, Clarke's slash to the ankle of Valeri Kharlamov in the '72 Summit Series and his asshole treatment of Eric Lindros at the tail end of his Philly tenure aside, Clarke gets this honour for his bullshit comments on TSN's Off The Record earlier this week.

For those of you outside of Canada, TSN is our version of ESPN, except the hosts are annoying for totally different reasons.

Back to Bobby... when asked about the Downie sucker punch, Clarke said that he loved it and that Blake should have expected retribution for opening his mouth about Downie's hit on Dean McAmmond. He also said that he thought Downie's initial suspension was unfair and likened his hit to those doled out by bonecrushing New Jersey Devils Captain Scott Stevens over the years.

I didn't watch the whole Q&A because I was already yelling at the TV too much and needed to make dinner, but I'm guessing that Clarke also saw no fault with Jesse Boulerice's crosscheck to the face of Ryan Kessler, Randy Jones' hit from behind that left Boston's Patrice Bergeron out cold and still on the shelf or Riley Cote's hit on Dallas defensemen Matt Niskanen either. Yes, all these guys are Flyers and all of this has happened this year...

The bottom line for both of these jaggovs to use a favourite of my one Philly friend Meech is that no one - and I mean NO ONE - in the NHL with an ounce of respect for their colleagues sucker punches a guy like Downie did the other night. Fighting is a part of the game and that is why you'll see guys give each other a pat on the head after a good tilt - they know they were both doing their job. Downie suckering Blake is akin to Albert Haynesworth stepping on Andre Gurode's head last year or Andrew Golota repeatedly smashing Riddick Bowe in the nuts for fight fans. It was just plain dirty.

These two douchebags deserve each other... and they deserve their place on the Dishonour Roll.

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Just Like Jared Leto

So I run, hide and tell myself
I'll start again with a brand new name

Just as Jared Leto's 30 Seconds to Mars said on their debut single "Capricorn," I too announced a running away from the my original name here on this site, proclaiming that I would return with a new and improved moniker.

That was a week ago and so, it's time to reveal the new name...

I BLOG BECAUSE I CAN

Catchy ain't it?

Honestly, in thinking things over for the week and flipping through the various sites that for some reason allow me to post my ramblings on a regular basis (Thanks ShowHype!) I figured changing the name at this stage would be stupid. Instead of wanting to differentiate myself from the other peons who use the name, I figured I would just annihilate them with my vicious and witty rhetoric until only one blog was left standing. If at that point it isn't me, I'll come up with something else.

"7283792367"
"6226188142"


Those two random numbers are me officially claiming this here blog on BallHype and ShowHype, two sites you should definitely check out if you like (a) sports or (b) celebrity gossip and news. See why I'm there often?
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In a totally unrelated story, we live below hillbillies! Sadly, it isn't Jed and his kin either...

Nope, we live below the hillbillies who celebrate moving into a new place by breaking down doors and getting into a domestic 36 hours after moving in. Nothing spells lovin' like having the cops show up to your new place inside 48 hours.

What makes it all better, if it could even happen, is that they like fighting at 4 AM. Nothing is nicer to wake up to than a couple of freakshow skeets who I haven't laid eyes on yet cussing at each other and slamming doors while I'm trying to get some sleep. I love being woken up to the words "Get The Fuck Out" being yelled over and over and over and over.

The capper? He, the male hillbilly, doesn't even live here. Apparently just his hillbilly woman does... he broke down the door to start the fight last night. Awesome!
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Canada won it's fourth straight World Junior Hockey Championship Gold Medal this afternoon. Just in case anyone thought of questioning who the most dominating nation on ice is, our boys delivered yet another resounding answer.
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Apparently, a number of people either (a) share my hatred of the Boston area or (b) think I have some writing talent, as my I Hate Boston piece that went up on Epic Friday is gaining some votes and links throughout the Interwebs.

It pales in comparison to the Return of Cash Considerations, but I'm pasty like that...
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Go rent The Kingdom. If you listen to one bit of movie advice from me ever, make it this... again, you'll thank me.

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