Dishonor Roll: Cheap and Stupid

On their own, these are two character traits that are annoying, but manageable. When you combine them together, however, it's a lethal combination. Without getting into too much detail about things, I got to deal with the dynamic duo last night.

For me, the way it works is this: if you can't do it somewhere else, you can't do it here. For example, I can't go to another restaurant, walk behind the bar and make my own drinks because the bartender isn't around. Just doesn't happen.

In fact, if you were caught behind that bar, chances are you would catch the business end of a baseball bat or another blunt object in the knees while someone screamed profanities at you.

So what in the hell makes people think they can do the same anywhere else, regardless of the fact that you work there? When you're a customer, you're a customer, period. Customers don't go behind the bar.

What makes it all the more pleasurable is that the individual has made a habit of stiffing me on a nightly basis. A dollar here, two bucks there and one night where because she made no money, she decided it was okay that I didn't get what I was owed for making her drinks all night.

Super.

Now, I don't know what's going to happen to this chick; I know she's going to get in shit and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy. You get what you deserve and that's that.

The awesomeness is going to be seeing how things shake out at work once I go back, since I'm the newish guy and she's been around for a while. The good thing is I know I have a few people on my side, not that this is some kind of gang war or anything.

Honestly, it's just amazing to me how some people haven't already been eaten by bears.

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Discovering a New Species

I'm no anthropologist, but I do believe I discovered a new species while at work yesterday:

Cheapis Bastardus Voucherificus.

Commonly known as Cheap Bastards that use Vouchers when paying for their bills, they are only seen in a restaurant setting and strongly resemble regular people until it becomes time to settle their bills.

At this point, they produce a small ticket that entitles them to $13.00 worth of food where no remaining funds are able to be transferred to the individual looking after them.

The strongest of the pack is notorious for ordering nearly twice as much food as the small ticket covers and leaving without covering the cost of the rest of the bill, leaving the poor, defenseless server to incur a loss.

Incidentally, their actions are not limited to food, as they tend to behave in a similar fashion when they are simply enjoying liquid refreshment as well.

Instead of ingesting nourishment along with the rest of the pack in the middle of the day, some of the Cheapis Bastardus Voucherifici choose to wait until later in the day and use the little ticket for beverages only, something that isn't technically allowed, but whatareyougonnado?

Most impressive is watching the pack disband, as members of the collective slowly make their way to their own dwellings, offering to cover just a small segment of the pack's intake and leaving no extra reward for the individual who has been shouted at repeatedly for more refreshments.

Finally, when the last of the group is set to leave, they are forced to put out more monies than originally anticipated because their fellow Cheapis Bastardus Voucherifici have left them more than they bargained for, the only moment of pleasure for the uniformed individual who has spent the afternoon as their humble servant.

And still, not a penny extra is left.

Let this be a warning to all you in the service industry:

Be on the lookout for a pack of CBV in your establishment and avoid them at all costs.

Interaction with this species will leave you tired, frustrated and questioning whether you want to remain in your current vocation.

* * * * * * * *

Seven hours worked, $1100 in sales, $70 bucks made... including the $30 left to me by a table of Yuppies from New York...

Stupid Cheap Bastards!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Another week in the books. Time to find out what I figured out over the last seven days...

1. It's All The Same
After two weeks as a Kelsey's employee, this much I know for certain: it ain't no different than being a Montana's employee. Servers bitch about being slow and making no money, managers hide out in the office, guests are mediocre tippers and large groups think the world revolves around them. Actually, Montana's earns the victory because we never ran out of beer... or milk.

2. Mind-boggling Move
Our landlord came to collect his belongings this week and I'm at a loss for words. Granted, everything he took was his, but truthfully, a bunch of it made no sense at all. Left us the barbecue that comes with the condo, took the barbecue tools. Took the garbage cans from the bathroom, left the garbage on the floor for us to clean up. Took the deck of cards and cribbage board, left the instructional booklet for the complete rules of cribbage. Amazing!
3. Sarah & Spencer: Ghetto Fabulous
Right now, we're the height of Hobo Chic! Our dining room is made up of the outdoor furniture that doesn't need to collect snow on the balcony all winter, our living room consists of a futon and a rubbermaid bin turned table and our mattress rests all alone in our bedroom... on the floor... because we don't have a bed frame yet. Like I said, Ghetto Fabulous!
4. My Man D to the Rescue
I've made an instant friend at work. Dave, or My Man D, is about the same age as me, spent some time in The Hammer and is just an overall great dude. I thought this before he told me about all the household items he is ready to pack into his van and drive up to our condo for us so we don't have to remain Ghetto Fabulous. The deck furniture can go back on the deck, as he's got a kitchen table set we can use, the futon can move into the office where it's meant to go because he's offering up a couch and the small ass TV we're watching far too much of these days can go to hell because he's providing a 32" Sony Flatscreen for as long as we need too. I owe this man some beer...

5. Time to Press Reset
So, we're here and all the landlord's stuff is out. The interruptions and annoying things are done and over with, which means it's time to get settled and get started. Same as this summer, working at a restaurant affords me a great deal of time to spend here at this computer, so I need to get into the swing of things. I've been missing days left and right here (sorry...) and have really fallen off the Bugs wagon as of late and that isn't what I want. Since the newspaper here hasn't decided to get back to me (surprise surprise) focusing on the things I do have before me becomes even more important, starting today.

6. I've Got The Best Girl
How do I know? I came home from a crap afternoon at work yesterday, tired, frustrated, all that and what did she say?

"D'you wanna just take some time off and work on the book? They obviously don't really need you right now and if you get enough of it done, you could send it out to see what people think."

That made everything better, along with the homemade chilli and Okanagan Springs Pale Ale and reminded me that I really did luck out on this one. You're the best Baby!

7. Anything Can Happen Inside The Octagon
Just this week, two of my Top 10 Pound for Pound fighters were beaten. While word on the MMA Street is that "The Fireball Kid" Takanori Gomi was robbed of a decision in his fight in Japan, the undisputed best featherweight in the business Urijah Faber was knocked out cleanly by Mike Brown. This is why I love this sport.

8. Oh Right, We're Getting Married Soon
Not that we forgot, but amidst all the moving and unpacking and buying all the little things that you need everytime you move, we've gone a month without talking to our travel agent. Not that that's completely horrible, but apparently no one has gotten any information from her yet and seeing as the date is getting closer by the day, we're thinking she shoudl probably get on that. That means, tomorrow we get on her.

9. Speaking of Weddings...
I'd like to congratulate my brother Peter in advance for tying the knot on Tuesday to his fiancee Brooke Smith. They're off to Vegas for a week or wedding fun and Sarah and I are both bummed that we couldn't make the trip. I'm sure there'll be lots of pictures and we're getting to spend a week with them in the Dominican, so we'll celebrate again then.
10. Did I Mention History Was Made This Week?
YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

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Attack of the Cheap Bastards

Over this past week, I have been privy to a rash of ridiculous activity by the common sense challenged segment of our society who think that rules and pre-established pricing applies to everyone except them.

The fact that everyone - well, almost everyone - wants something for nothing is not a new nugget I have just recently gleaned. I used to work in a casino; everyone who sets foot in there is looking for as many free handouts as humanly possible. Heaven forbid they spend some of their money on a bite to eat or a beverage or something other than the one armed bandits...

I know money is tight and everyone wants more than whatever amount they have. That part makes sense. What doesn't make sense is people's unrealistic expectation that for some unknown reason the regular policies and prices out in the world don't apply to them.

When a photographer quotes you at $100 per person for grad photos, emailing her back informing her that you only want to pay $100 for two people is pretty stupid. You're already getting a deal, yet you want to pay half the price of everyone else. Why? What makes you so special?

You can't do this type of thing in a restaurant. There is no telling the waiter that the fillet is overpriced at $35.00 and asking him to see if you could get it for $22. Sure you can, at the other restaurant down the street...

I'm going to give everyone who ever rents movies a little tip here - at least 1/3 of the movies in the store are absolute crap. If it didn't make it to theatres, stay away. If it stars a rapper or former wrestler, stay away. If you've never heard of it at all and no one in the store bothered to use one of their free rentals on it, there is a good chance it is horrible.

That being said, if you're stupid enough to spend your money on one of the above mentioned items, why in the hell should I have to give you your money back when you realize you fucked up? That's not part of the agreement, no matter how good a customer you are.

And for the record, everyone thinks they're a great customer. Guess what? You're not. You're a pain in my ass.

"I didn't like this game. Can I get my money back?"

I don't like my job. Is someone going to give me back the eight months I've spent there listening to this crap on a daily basis? No? I didn't think so.

In all honesty, I could go on for hours.

If I wasn't afraid of getting (a) punched in the mouth - which I assure you is bound to happen one of these days - or (b) fired - I hate it, but I need money too! - this is how I would handle these situations:

Ask the person where they work.
Ask them if I can come in and have something free from them.
When they say no and/or ask why, provide their same lame-ass excuse and wait.
Repeat until the point is made or the customer finally just walks away.

How wicked would that be? Just watching someone stand there trying to figure out what in the hell I was talking about. But think about it. It is unilaterally valid.

I can't go into a clothing store and ask for a refund because the shirt didn't look good on me or someone didn't like it.

There is no telling the car salesman that you're only going to give him $20,000 for the $35,000 car.

Hell, you can't tell the minimum wage warrior at Tim Horton's that you're only going to give him $1.55 for an extra large double double. You can give him your $1.55 alright. D'you know what you'll get? The large coffee you can pay for.

Nothing is free in this world. Why in the hell do you think that applies to everyone but you?

You bunch of cheaps bastards!

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