Kevin Smith Needs to Shift Gears

As a lifelong Kevin Smith fan - or as long as one could conceivably have been a Kevin Smith fan - this one is going to catch some people off guard.

The truth of the matter is that the man who brought us Clerks and Chasing Amy needs to switch gears and fast, because his schtick is getting stale, even to me.

I say this after reading a NY Post story about Smith extolling the virtues of smoking weed frequently, saying "What you want to do is what I did, build a movie empire and, at age 38, smoke it all away."

Yes, there is some sarcasm and humor in there, but after more than a decade built on dick and fart jokes, maybe it's time to grow up Peter Pan.

I've been hopeful for Red State for the last two years despite not being a big horror movie guy. Basically, I'll give anything Smith is creatively involved in (read: wrote, not so much just directed) a chance, especially when it draws inspiration from crazy fundamentalist pastor Fred Phelps.

If you're ever feeling down, check out Phelps' Wikipedia page, laugh at the sheer retardedness of this man and his followers and realize life could be a whole lot worse... you could be Fred Phelps.

Anyway, Red State is no closer to being made now than it was two years ago when Smith first announced the project and while I enjoyed Zack & Miri Make a Porno, let's be honest: it was a fairly lame movie all things considered.

While his earlier works were awesome - brilliant blends of comedy and real life that showed, at least in part, what real friendships and relationships are like - Zack & Miri was a chance to make a movie about making porn and let Mewes walk around naked at times.

Next up, the transplanted Jersey Boy steps behind the camera to direct A Couple of Dicks, a comedic cop caper starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan. Yes, it's as bad as it sounds...

I used to want to fight anyone who said Kevin Smith was a hack and there was nothing remotely entertaining about his films.

While I still think his work to date is pretty solid, it's time for a shift in directions Silent Bob or else I'm going to have to start agreeing with the people who wonder why I like you so much, and I don't want to have to do that.

Snoogens.

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Silent Bob Returns!

I've already mentioned it briefly in 10 Things last Sunday, but the truth is that this flick is in need of a full day's dose of recognition.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno marks the return of Kevin Smith to the big screen for the first time since Clerks 2, at least in the director's chair. While he's dabbled in acting (Catch & Release) and done some television work (Reaper), behind the camera of his own film is where those of us who love him first fell in love.

There are a lot of things about this movie that I am really geared up to see.

First, it's Kevin Smith, so you know there is going to be the smart-assed, sarcastic, off-colour comedy you come to expect from Silent Bob. I mean, lest we forget this is the man who penned the line, "My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks" for his cinematic debut.

Second, Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks sound like a winning combination for me. While I am always worried that the Funny Guy of the Moment is going to crash and burn when we least expect it, I'm leaning more towards a future project being Rogan's shark-jumping experience. And Banks, the book store girl from 40-Year-Old Virgin amongst numerous other things, is absolutely hilarious. I mean, she asks him to rinse her hair with poop water in the trailer.

The third one is a serious fanboy interest.

Zack & Miri marks only the second time that Kevin Smith has gone without his alter ego and pot smoking partner in crime Jay in a movie. While Mewes still has a role, it's as a character more so than the "just play yourself" role of Jay he has become known for. The first time he tried this, 2004's Jersey Girl, Smith was met with not so warm reviews to say the least.

While I still stand by the fact that Jersey Girl isn't as bad as everyone thinks - it's got Carlin in it... how bad can it be? - I'm willing to acknowledge that having a serious success outside of the Jay & Silent Bob is of the utmost important for Smith and his credibility in the industry and with the audience as a whole.

Personally, I think Zack & Miri will be that movie.

He's sticking to what he knows best (comedy), has a solid cast with a bankable lead and a premise that isn't all that unbelievable while still being exceptionally funny. I mean seriously, tell me the thought of getting into porn hasn't crossed your mind once or twice before? They make great money... or have sex with a lot of skanky bitches!

Regardless of whether you've considered porn as a profession or not, if you're a fan of Kevin Smith and his movies, the long wait for his triumphant return is just about over.

If you're not a fan, stop coming here.

(Just kidding... but really, why don't you like him? Fat boy is funny!)

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Dishonour Roll: Those Who Frequent The Block

Please Note: The views expressed in this diatribe do not reflect those of Blockbuster Canada Ltd. or it's subsidiaries. They are solely the views of the author and maybe one or two other people who have held a similar job.

This does not apply to every customer.

There are some who are great, some who are okay and some who know exactly what they want, don't say anything to you and leave the store quickly. We love them.

As for the rest of the lot... pffffft!

We have to say something to you when you come through the door or else we get in shit. You saying "Hi" and thinking it's the funniest, most original thing ever is a bad way to start.

It's not a fast food joint. You don't come up to the counter, tell us what movies you want and then stand there expecting us to get them for you. Do you go to the grocery store and hand some clerk your list while they run the aisles for you? Go look for your own shitty movies douchebag!

And another thing - the movies are in alphabetical order (roughly) so it's not rocket science... all you need to do is take 4 seconds to look. Recite the alphabet to yourself if it helps.

It's a real easy system. There is the coverbox with all the pretty pictures and words then stacks of the movie for you to rent. Which one do you think you bring to the counter?

Don't come in and ask me to recommend a movie when you've already watched 95% of the movies we're schilling. You saying, "Seen that" over and over drives me bonkers and not just because it's grammatically incorrect either.

I personally do not own Blockbuster Video, nor am I the person who called your house or sent you the Collections Letter. Just remember that next time you want to go on an obscenities-laced yelling spree 'kay?

While we're on the subject - if you don't want us calling you and you don't want to get sent to collections... BRING THE GODDAMN MOVIES BACK! Who the fuck needs a movie for more than 7 days anyways?

You can't get a refund just because a movie sucked. There are two reasons for this: (1) We'd go out of business real quick because 50% of the movies at Blockbuster lick balls and (2) You picked the fucking thing... it's not my fault you're a moron!

Is it so hard to produce a membership card or some form of ID? It's not like we're asking for a urine sample or anything... so why the hell do you gotta get so goddamn pissy when I ask to see your ID? You drove here, shouldn't you have your license on you?

Shockingly, I'm not kidding when I tell you that you can't rent anything until the $196.48 balance on your account for seven overdue movies and three games is paid. If you didn't have to pay it, why would I mention it in the first place?

We don't have a Prison Section. Stop asking. It goes Family, TV, Foreign, Drama, Action and Comedy. Did you hear Prison anywhere in there?

Newsflash: We don't have a porn section either. Don't come to us for your pornographic needs. Get it the same place everyone else does... The Internet.

Just because I work at Blockbuster it doesn't mean that I know the name of that movie with that guy who was in that thing with that girl...

Seeing a movie advertised on TV usually means it is just hitting the theatres, unless the commercial ends with "Own it Today on DVD!" So please, do us all a favour and stop asking if we have the new Rambo, I Am Legend or anything else still raking it in at the box office. And don't argue with me when I tell you it's still in theatres...

If you know your movie is 4000 days late, why must you throw it in the drop box before you come try to rent something? You know I'm just going to have to go fish it out to clear your gigantic balance so you can rent more crap you're going to keep forever, so just bring them to the counter with you and save us both the headache.

I didn't give you the wrong movie as you were walking out. I gave you the movie you brought up to me at the counter, only you didn't pay attention when I read out the title to you because you were too busy yammering away on your cell phone/to one of your buddies/to your significant other. Coming in and blaming me for your attention deficit disorder isn't a good way to get me to help you out either.

D'you know what does work? Manners. Please, thank you, pardon, excuse me; those work. Everything else is just you starting down the path to me picking out a shitty movie for you.

No, that new Direct to DVD Wesley Snipes/Dolph Lundgran/Steven Seagall/Jean Claude Van Damme movie isn't any good. If it was, they would have released it to theatres. Please don't try to convince me otherwise. I already know better.

And finally...

Yes, you have to pay for the entire amount of your purchase, even if it means breaking a $20 bill. I'm not joking. This actually happens. Regularly, actually. You don't get to go to a restaurant for dinner and tell the waiter you're not paying the change because you'd have to break a $20 do you? Cheap bastards... cough up the dough! And no, you can't just leave it there until next time either.

So those are due back to us on Saturday. Have yourself a Lackluster Evening!

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Film School

As some of you may know, in addition to being the world-renowned blogger that I am, I spend upwards of 30 hours a week standing behind the counter at Blockbuster Video getting my Randal Graves on, without the graphic ordering of porn over the telephone in the presence of small children.

Let's not kid ourselves here either, I work at Blockbuster for one reason and one reason only - free rentals. No, it's actually like Nick Naylor says: "It pays the mortgage" which is actually rent in my case, but that's just semantics.

Anywho - the problem (or one of the problems) with me rockin' the Block is that I'm an incredible film snob, which puts me in a precarious position at least once or twice a day where I have to stop myself from laughing at what people will actually pay to watch. Pumpkinhead 4? Honestly?

Which brings me to the focus of this here rambling...

The Spencer Kyte Guide to Blockbuster

By no means is this an all encompassing list or anything like that, just a couple of pointers from a guy who has watched more movies than you and your five closest friends combined. Shall we?

Don't be afraid of Documentaries
Yes, they're short on explosions and CGI and big name stars, but they're chalk full of information and knowledge. And it isn't only Michael Moore who makes documentaries.

Recommendations: The Devil Came On Horseback about the conflict in Darfur or Shut Up & Sing which details the whole Dixie Chicks uproar from a couple years back.

Big Budget Does Not Equal Better
Ghost Rider cost a lot of money to make. It's barely watchable. You Kill Me didn't and it's easily the best movie I've seen this year. Sir Ben Kingsley as an alcoholic hitman is priceless.

Recommendations (besides You Kill Me): Brick, Thank You For Smoking and stay the hell away from The Reaping.

Subtitles Aren't Harmful to Your Health
Can you read? Then you can enjoy a subtitled movie as much as any other. Granted, I understand the fact that people rent movies so they can watch something and you've got to be in the right state of mind to enjoy a subtitled film, but boycotting them altogether would be a mistake.

Recommendations: Letters from Iwo Jima and Pan's Labyrinth.

There is a reason it wasn't in theatres...
Sure you can find some pretty decent Direct to DVD titles, but for the most part, it wasn't a theatrical release because the people making the movie knew it wasn't going to do very well with The Popcorn Set. As such, something that was in theatres almost always trumps something that came right to Blockbuster.

Recommendations: Watch The Departed or Fracture before you grab Animal 2 or Man About Town

Sequels
If the actors who were in the first film didn't come back for the second, that should tell you something. And no, the fact that the Prince in Prince & Me 2 is the same guy doesn't count. Consider this The Batman Theory. The original - Michael Keaton in Tim Burton's - was great, then they both walked and the revolving door of actors and directors started until the series spiraled into oblivion. Thankfully Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale have breathed new life into The Dark Knight...

Recommendations: Ocean's Thirteen not Butterfly Effect 2

The Book is Always Better
A lot of people - parents and kids - have been coming in lately looking for various Shakespearean adaptations and other book into film ventures. This frightens me, (1) because I'm a writer and need people to be able to read in the future to continue paying the bills and (2) because I can't think of a single film version that has been better than the book. As great as The Godfather was, Mario Puzzo's words are still superior.

Five to Watch from the Past Year-ish
1. You Kill Me
2. Thank You For Smoking
3. The Prestige
4. Zodiac
5. Ratatouille

Five to Avoid Like The Plague*
1. The Reaping... get it? The Plagues...
2. Evan Almighty
3. Delta Farce
4. Home of the Brave
5. The Lake House

* this doesn't include all the unfathomable nonsense like Return of the Living Dead 47 and anything starting Steven Seagal / Jean Claude Van Damme.

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