Michael Died... Let's Do a Reality TV Show!

Pictured are the good old days of The Jackson 5, one of the greatest groups in the history of music.

Yes, they were that damn good.

You know the one in the front - that's Michael, back before the skin treatments, countless surgeries and prolonged coverage of his death on CNN.

But can you name the other four Jacksons?

Interestingly enough, most people will probably remember Tito for the sole reason that his name is Tito and there weren't a whole lot of kids on your block named Tito. At least not where I lived.

The others are Jermaine, Marlon and Jackie, and they're coming to A&E with replacement / other brother Randy.

Yep, this is what our world has come to.

The most famous of the five-some dies, cable news channels cover it ad nauseum and the other members of the family find some way to capitalize on the coverage with a Reality TV show courtesy of A&E.

Awesome.

"Hey, Michael died and they're covering the crap out of it. We're pseudo-relevant again. We should reunite and do a cable TV show about it!"

Yeah, because that's always a good way to cash in on the remorse people feel over the passing of your incredibly talent / exceptionally odd brother.

Seriously, what the hell is A&E thinking?

How could the home of such insightful and educational programs as Dog the Bounty Hunter and Gene Simmons: Family Jewels sink to this level...

What's worse is that the only thought running through my head right now is, "If this show was on TLC, would Kate Gosselin be the new host?"

This is our world people... celebrities are dead, their less-talented siblings are stars and Kate Gosselin is the most famous women in North America.

Somebody shoot me.

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Dishonor Roll: Kate Gosselin

After listening to her bitch and moan and whine and complain and give cliche answers and make herself sound great and wonderful and willing to do anything for her kids, it's time for Kate to make her appearance on the Dishonor Roll.

First, I will say this: I have no side in the Jon vs. Kate debate; they're both camera-hungry and should stop for 97 seconds and remember there are 8 kids who need parents more than millions of tabloid-loving freaks need gossip.

That being said, I don't know if there is anyone in the world right now that I want to choke more than Kate Gosselin...

What kills me is that when the show started, Kate was the quintessential stay-at-home mom, right down to the stay-at-home mom wardrobe and haircut. She was raising eight kids, so wearing sweatpants to the store made sense...

Now, I would bet the idea of sweatpants would repulse her, because she's "Kate Gosselin: Television Star" and KG:TS doesn't wear sweatpants.

She also doesn't voice any accountability for what has transpired in her life over the last couple years and while she looks into the cameras with big doe eyes and says that she'll do anything for her kids, I don't see her rushing back to a hospital to resume her career as a nurse...

Instead, she talks about having her own show with TLC, guest hosts The View, does these little one-on-one interviews and is completely oblivious (it seems) to the fact that as much as her husband is a bit of a douche, she's right up there with him.

After all, she made the guy change his career to be home more with the kids so she could go out and become a celebrity. She can say she was providing for her family all she wants, but there is providing and there is loving the attention being KG:TS delivered and methinks the latter was a more powerful draw than the former.

Just once I want to hear her say, "Man, I was a bitch" when she's watching clips of talking to her husband like a four-year-old in Toys R Us or any of the other times it happened.

Or cop to enjoying the fame. It's okay. I'd enjoy the fame too. Maybe not to the point of making my significant other get hair plugs, but still...

Jon is a doofus; he's wearing way too much Ed Hardy, taking bad advice from shady lawyers and just being a general goober, but at least he's out there admitting he's made mistakes and fessing up to being a goober...

Kate just smiles, dabs at tears and wonders why all this horrible stuff has happened to wonderful little her... so now she's on the Dishonor Roll.

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The Most Meaningless Word in the World: Celebrity

To be a celebrity used to mean something. A certain status, a certain level of success, a little cache if you please. Celebrity meant you were a star, a somebody and recognizable figure that people wanted to see.

The word as lost all it's meaning though, and there is no better proof of that than "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"


When the most "celebrity" contestants of your celebrity contestants are John Salley and Torrie Wilson, you've got issues and you can consider the word itself dead and buried. Let's look at the rest of the cast:

Sanjaya Malakar
Lou Diamond Phillips
Stephen Baldwin
Daniel Baldwin
Janice Dickinson
Frangela
Patricia Blagojevich
Holly Montag

The biggest celebrities that were on the show were that super-douche Spencer Pratt and his wife Heidi, but the jungle was too much for them, so they split. In their place, Heidi's sister Holly, someone I've never heard of in my life.

Same goes for Patricia Blagojevich. How does your husband trying to sell President Barack Obama's Illinois Senate seat make you a celebrity? Just because you're standing there when all the cameras are going off doesn't mean people are taking your picture. Sorry sweetie, you're background filler.

And don't even get me started on washed up actors that I used to enjoy. Stephen Baldwin was great in Threesome and The Usual Suspects, while Lou Diamond Phillips will always be Ritchie Valens to me, but neither has been relevant for years, not to mention Daniel Baldwin.

While I clearly wasn't around for them, I miss the old days, when movie stars were movie stars and celebrities actually did something to earn their place on pedestals and magazine covers. Now, all you've got to do is be a former supermodel or the longest lasting bad contestant in American Idol history and poof you're a celebrity.

Then again, you get the same treatment if you pop out eight kids too, whether they're all at once or two followed by six.

Celebrity (noun): anyone who has ever had 15 minutes of fame and been on the glossy pages of InTouch, Us Weekly or OK! Magazine. Talent not required.

Shoot me now ...

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R.I.P. Sundance Film Festival

I'm a movie guy, as many of you should already know and I remember when the Sundance Film Festival was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

First, it's named after The Sundance Kid and put on by the man himself, which made it unassailably cool.

Second, this was where little movies became big movies and guys like me who have always liked things a little left of center could find a less-hyped, non-blockbuster to hitch my wagon to and fall in love with. Some of the greats over the years from Sundance include Clerks, El Mariachi, Little Miss Sunshine and Thank You for Smoking.

Lastly, Sundance was where Hollywood went to not be Hollywood; it was a getaway from the glitz and the glamor and seemed, in the early days, to truly be about the movies and the filmmakers and getting the little guy a piece of the bigger pie.

Not anymore.

Now, Sundance isn't even a place C-List celebrities hit during the winter chill of January. When Hulk Hogan's ex-wife Linda is garnering throngs of attention, you know that your time has come and gone.

Seriously, this used to be a required stop for any up-and-coming actor-slash-director-slash-writer and numerous actual celebrities flocked to Park City to spend some time in the snow, but now, you're left with Kevin Federline's ex-girlfriend trolling through the free swag, a tramp who used to be in a band you probably never heard of in the first place (Aubrey O'Day of Danity Kane) and a flock of nobodies from the realm of Reality TV.

You know you've passed your expiry date when people are raving about Mariah Carey's performance in a movie. She very well could be great, but really, it's Mariah Carey and you're judging her against Glitter. It's not as if she's suddenly morphed into Meryl fucking Streep or anything...

Sadly, my new measuring stick for things being officially over comes from one of my former favorite shows, Entourage, which has also ran it's course and remains on television solely to inspire douchebags to slum around Hollywood mooching off their one rich friend.

Even though Entourage made their trek to Sundance during the outstanding first season, it's like the Sports Illustrated / Madden Cover curse; once they use you, consider yourself officially done.

Such is the case with the Sundance Film Festival, the new playground for has-beens and never-weres.

Rest in Peace...

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