Thursday, November 29, 2007

Dishonour Roll: Newfoundland

Normally, this segment is reserved for actual people, but today - and today only - I'm including an entire province.

Now before I go any further, allow me to once again issue a disclaimer:

  • There are a number of people here that I am very fond of and they all know who they are
  • It's damn beautiful out here and you should come see it
That being said, what the hell is wrong with this stupid island?!

As mentioned in a previous installment of this blog, Newfoundlanders have an problem when it comes to employing Mainlanders like me. The proof of this extended to new heights yesterday when my manager, a fellow mainlander, informed me that one of our customers was asking a fellow Lackluster Video employee "Why we're out here?" as if you need a special pass to be allowed on the island.

Now, I could see if I was out here doing nothing, collecting a government cheque and being a drain on the economy and society, but I'm working and spending my hard earned in my community. I'm trying to give back.

Secondly, for a group who seems to be so up in arms about mainlanders coming to their island they don't seem to have any problem with the thousands - literally thousands - of Newfoundlanders who are abroad right now earning their livings. Whether it be the scores of people working in Fort Mac or the countless Newfies who trek to Ontario to find better opportunities... nothing like a nice double standard to make you feel welcomed!

But the employment gripe is one that has already been covered, so let's move on to some other points shall we?

Everything gets here late. It takes six weeks for mail to get from Ontario to Newfoundland, even longer if it's coming from Vancouver and apparently not at all when it's coming from England. This normally wouldn't be a problem, except a certain someone (uh, me...) is waiting to see his name in print on the shelves of Chapters.

Earlier today I cleared up my worries that the magazine was pushed back in an email with my Editor who assures me that our distributor has sent out our issue to all our retailers. That means one of two things is taking place:
  1. Lazy ass Chapters hasn't put it on the shelf yet...
  2. It's sitting at Marine Atlantic somewhere because the transport hasn't gotten here yet
Either way, it's sucks and is a Newfoundland issue. This type of shit doesn't happen on The Mainland. A magazine is supposed to be out Tuesday, you can go to the store and get it Tuesday...

No one knows how to drive here either. I don't mean in a literal sense, like everyone rides a bike or takes the bus, but in a "they drive like effing morons" kind of way. Seriously, these people would die instantaneously on any of the 400 Series Highways, if not from fear alone than from their horrific driving.

The speed limit is a suggestion. You don't have to stay five kilometers under the posted speed, especially when that speed is 40...

Sunday Drives:
They're called such because they are supposed to occur on a leisurely Sunday afternoon, not every day of the week at all hours. Believe it or not, some of us are in a hurry and have places to go, people to see, things to do, so either speed up or get the hell outta my way so I can at least go 60...

Left Turns: it's a lot easier to make the turn if you creep into the intersection a little like they teach you in Driver's Ed... staying behind the line at the light means you take longer to actually make the turn when you can and less people are able to make the turn with each light. Therefore, I end up sitting through four sets of lights because one car goes through each light, no one plays the extra car and turns during the yellow-to-red progression and I end up swearing a great deal.

Merging: You don't slow down to wait for someone to let you in... you speed up to the flow of traffic and go from there. No one is going to drive you off the road, but you might cause an accident by jamming on your breaks and waiting for someone to do the same so you can get over one lane.

Random Stopping: Don't get me wrong, it's a nice gesture, but that nice gesture is going to cause an accident some day. Whether it be stopping to let a pedestrian cross the road or not following proper driving / traffic protocol, the random stopping is probably the most dangerous of all Newfie Driving Errors...

Add to all this the unfortunate accent / drawl that some Newfoundlanders possess that could make even the smartest person sound like an idiot, the misuse of simple English and incorrect grammar of common statements like "I loves it", "Where ya to?" and "Whattya at?"...

I hate to say it... it pains me to say it... but Newfoundland has found a place on the Dishonour Roll.


NA said...

I second the motion for a day of high fidelity and lounging around. Nothing makes a better sick movie for me.

Ashley said...

Hey, some of us Newfoundlanders can drive!
But I do agree with you on the mail thing..incredibly frustrating!
I'm taking an educated guess at which "lackluster employee" you're speaking of! Ha ha!

Brad said...

You put a "u" in "honor"...


(Sorry I've been missing, Spen. Been redesigning my own blog. Like the new layout you put here.)

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