I So Confused

D'you know what my new favorite thing this holiday season is?

Constant job postings for positions that either (a) don't exist or (b) aren't being hired until 2010.

Nothing like giving a guy a glimmer of hope only to kick him in the crotch shortly thereafter.

The same restaurant here in Victoria has officially posted - on the Services Canada Job Bank - the same position three different times in the last four weeks.

I've applied... twice.

Last week - the second time I applied - I sent my resume via email to the contact person, since going into the restaurant and speaking with one of the managers didn't seem to work.

Wrote a charming email (as you would expect) and even reminder her how easy it would be to remember my name, as her last name is Spencer. Witty, I know.

The result? Nothing...

So I just got off the phone with her, seeing as said position is once again on the Job Bank. Turns out they're just collecting resumes and have no real idea when they will actually be hiring.

Here's a novel idea - instead of posting that the position is needed to start immediately, hows about mentioning that you're just collecting resumes so I don't think I am the least skilled waiter in the world or my references are sabotaging me for their own amusement!

Also awesome is the always enjoyable, "Gimme a day or two to talk to our Front of House Manager and I'll get back to you" I've also received from another restaurant who has numerous postings littered all over the web.

That was a week ago.

What makes it all the more pleasurable is that I currently work with said GM's close friend who knows I've applied and desperately want to stop working nine hour shifts picking produce. Nothing makes me feel all the more wanted than knowing the GM and his friend have discussed me on a number of occasions only to have my phone consistently not ring.

Boo - urns!

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This One Might Get Me in Trouble

But honestly, I don't care.

Just like all those guys Jose Canseco accused of using steroids couldn't do anything back then because he was telling the truth, the same goes for this one right here.

My career at Fight! Magazine was extremely short-lived.

Their side of the story will be that I wrote something on here a few months ago that they weren't too happy with and decided to cut ties with the mouth Canadian kid who was looking for a job.

My side is that - while I love each and every one of you - about 40 people a day drop by and read this thing, so getting your panties in a bunch because I mentioned how shitty the copy you sent me makes you look pretty ridiculous. Oh, did I mention they then didn't use the edited version I sent back to them?

What makes this even funnier to me is that MMA is the fastest growing sport in the world, these guys have the largest North American market share and the material that comes out every month is not only full of errors, but generally a little outdated.

I can't tell you how much I wish there was a million bucks in my bank to start-up my own MMA mag to go toe-to-toe with Fight! Not because I'm sour that I didn't get more of an opportunity, but because if they can put out what they do on a monthly basis and be successful, someone needs to put together a really tight, well-written, insightful monthly MMA magazine and make a mint.

Any investors out there?

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Everything Really Is Coming Together

It's weird how two or three days can really change your outlook on things.

Not too long ago, I was worried about the hours I was getting at the restaurant, not having any furniture in our condo and if spending as much time writing for the various sites and publications I write for was actually worth the time I invested, seeing as the pay is always minimal.

Now, I'm sitting here fresh off spending a whack of cash on home furnishings that are awesome and eclectic and exactly the style of pieces that Sarah and I have been looking for, have adopted the outlook that hours away from the restaurant are great for writing and have gotten an opportunity with one of the sites (The Love of Sports) where the effort I put in will potentially be financially rewarding.

I've always said that I don't do what I do - the writing that is - for the money... yet and that is still the case. I would write at all these places regardless of pay, but getting the chance to see a small financial gain for the efforts that go into writing, submitting and publishing ten plus pieces a week on the site makes a huge difference in the old cheque book when you're a Minimum Wage Warrior like myself who relies on the kindness (and generosity) of others to keep a little change in my pockets.

It's not a life altering windfall by any stretch, but like I said Sunday, it's a start and whenever there is a start, it means there are more things to come and that is all the incentive I need for right now.

Three days ago I was looking for new jobs on the Internet and wondering when, if ever, we'd get all the DVDs off the floor in the living room.

The bookcase comes tomorrow and the best opportunity of my young writing career started today.

Funny how that works...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

This week was full of developments and distractions, so grab a cup of coffee - or your drink of choice - and settle in to get caught up on what's been going on...

1. Get Tired of Sushi? Not Possible
Sarah and I stopped on the way home from Cornwall last Friday night and feasted, as per usual, at the All-You-Can-Eat joint in Kitchener that we love. As Garry didn't accompany us, he felt left out and craving sushi. So we went again Monday night. I honestly would eat this stuff every day of the week if money wasn't an object and AYCE joints are the best place to try for beginners, since you can pick at stuff everyone else likes without paying an arm and a leg.

2. Serving: It's Like Riding a Bike
Tuesday was Shift #1 back in the realm of restaurant service and other than having no clue where anything was (getting better) or what the hell is on the menu (know it cold now), everything was aces. How could it not be? It's serving. You bring out the food, smile like an idiot, lather, rinse, repeat. My training wheels are off now too. I'm all growed up!

3. We've Found a Dog!
Actually, Sarah found him, but I love him just as much as she does and we haven't even met him yet. Him is Luka, a 18-month-old 3/4 Pug, 1/4 Jack Russell - that makes him a Jug - who we're meeting this afternoon. Should he become a member of the family, his name will be changed to Pickle. Why Pickle? Why not?

4. Now I Know How Vanessa Loring Felt, Except Not
Vanessa Loring being Jennifer Garner's character in Juno for the awesomeness challenged. Over the course of the week, we've gone from getting to meet the dog to bringing the dog home yesterday to bringing him home today to come meet him Sunday and we'll go from there. I couldn't imagine how nerve racking it would be to do this with a child. We haven't even met the little snorting drool machine and we already know that it'll be Sad Bastard Central if we don't get him. Imagine if he was a kid? I wouldn't leave the house for weeks...

5. Driving My Dream Car, Circa 1993
I was 15 in 1993, so I wasn't driving anything. If I was, I wanted to be driving a Civic Hatchback. You know, the one with the bubbled-out back, sits low to the road and was everywhere? That one. Fifteen years later, I'm driving that car. Vic - yes, I know, not very original - is great, in terms of what we need right now. But in terms of former Dream Car, it's like having had a school boy crush on Alyssa Milano and watching her grow up into a baseball player groupie... kind of a letdown.

6. Exercise - Not As Bad As I Always Thought
Playing demolition derby with Bambi over Christmas forced me to walk a lot during the final months of being in Newfoundland. Moving home, I still tend to walk to work as often as I can. And I gotta say, I like it! Work is 1.5 km from home, which means a round trip is 3 klicks worth of exercise, something it would have taken me three weeks to accumulate pre-Christmas Crash. Now, not even a little rain stops me from walking home. Probably because it's only wussy Ontario rain and I barely get damp. It's not like a good old Newfie Rain Storm!

7. Irons in the Fire, Part I
My man and regular iBlog commentor Newt and I have been discussing a joint venture a little as of late - spencerkyte.com. Vain? Maybe. Useful? I think so. It would basically be like a Spencer Kyte Wal-Mart - you could read the blog, check out updates on upcoming projects, link to my Bugs and Epic posts and get your milk, laundry detergent and a cute new outfit all in one place. Feedback please...

8. Irons in the Fire, Part II
Add another freelancing job to the resume! Got in touch with the fine folks at Canadian Sports Magazine over the past week and it looks as if we're going to be able to get together on some work in the very near future.

9. Cross Those Fingers People
Applied to be a newspaper man earlier in the week and all the good thoughts and superstitious activities you can think up would be greatly appreciated. The Kingston Whig-Standard is looking for a new Sports Reporter, so I figured, "Why Not?" Worse case, they, like the Kitchener Record, don't bother getting back to me. No harm, no foul. $1.21 well spent.

10. Tomorrow is #200!
Can you believe I've churned out 199 of these things already?
Can you believe how much time you've wasted reading them?
Thanks for the 199 posts worth of support gang!

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Can I Get You a Side of Shut the Hell Up?

That one goes for guests and employees alike.

Week One at The Cookhouse is just about in the books and after my first night on my own - tonight - I have come to remember what I both love and hate about the restaurant business.

Guests are going to complain; it's a fact of life and there is absolutely nothing that we as servers can do about it. Going Waiting-style on the steaks just isn't possible, nor is pulling a Tyler Durden with the Lobster Bisque.

Here's the thing though, and I offer this as an advisement to those of you thinking of going out for dinner any time soon.

If you're going out on a Friday or Saturday night to a "family" chain establishment, you have no one to blame but yourself when it takes 45 minutes from seat to eat.

It's Friday or Saturday and you're one party out of 70 in the building, all sitting waiting on Apps, Entrees, refills and bills. Be happy that you're not having to sit at home and cook yourself, not to mention having dishes to worry about and understand that you're not the only one who is hungry.

Don't like waiting? Either show up before or after peak hours or stay home. It's as simple as that.

What kicks me in the crotch even more is listening to servers bitch and moan about slow kitchen service, poor tips and not having as many tables as they would like.

Listen gang, we'd all love to make $300 a night in tips, have 10 great tables and our food come out piping hot and perfectly on time every time we send an order.

I'd also like a publisher to call me, offer to publish every book idea I have, drafts unseen and Sarah to get to work 9-5 on her dream floor for $100K a year.

See where I'm going with this?

There are only ever two options: Shut up, suck it up and do your job or hand in your pouch, punch out and find another job. It's that easy.

Want more hours? Pick up shifts and change your availability.

Want to make more tips? Try smiling and taking care of the people at your tables.

In the mean time, do the things you're responsible for, like running your own food, helping others run theirs and even if the people at your tables are total jackasses, do your best and take whatever they give you, whether it's 5 cents or 50 bucks.

Or else you're just taking up shifts that I'd love to have, even if it's only 2 hours...

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The Rebirth of Slick

The long-forgotten hip hop act Digable Planets' most well-known hit is becoming the motto for this time of renewal in my life.

Over the past ten days, I've had a lot to deal with - getting my head around the passing of my grandfather, thinking a lot about the awkward interactions with my father at his funeral and plotting my course for the next little while, to name a few.

Writing has taken a backseat to getting my ducks in a row.

They're all straightened away now and it's time to rekindle the fire that brought both you and me here in the first place.

I used to wake up on Mondays not very interested in the week ahead.

Talib Kweli put my feelings on this particular Monday best in his contribution to the Soundtrack of My Life:

This morning, I woke up
Feeling brand new and I jumped up
Feeling my highs, and my lows
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smokin, and stop drinkin
And I've been thinkin - I've got my reasons
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
Just to get (by), just to get (by)

I took the last couple days off to just get home and get right; relax from a taxing ten days and plot a course for the summer that is rapidly approaching.

I set some goals for myself:

• Drop some weight - 20 pounds or so
  
• Get in shape
  
• Stop smoking - I know, I know... you've heard that before
  
• Write every day
  
• See if anyone is interested in publishing the ideas that rattle around in my head
  

We're going to Vancouver in September to spend some time with Sarah's Mum, brother and West Coast friends and that is the target date I am using as a measuring stick.

Imagine how nice it would be to roll out to VanCity all tucked up, off the darts and able to tell my future Mother-in-Law that instead of worrying that I am going to be a low income, starving artist, house husband as originally expected I am a full-fledged, well-received, soon-to-be-published author.

As cool as that news would be to deliver to Jane, I want to deliver that news to myself and Sarah more than anything.

This is the first step to that end.

This is The Rebirth of Slick...

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Just Like Death and Taxes

You can add a Spring corporate structure conflict with Passion Magazine to the above list of inevitable events.

It happened last year, it's happening again now and all I can say is, "Awesome!"

Yesterday sucked enough on it's own.

I didn't need to any news from Passion pissing in my cornflakes to ruin the day. So when I clicked into my email last night to check the status of my completed and submitted Michael Musto Interview - which was to be running in the next issue - and had one new message, this was not what I expected or needed.

Basically, everything is on hold.

My interview.
The issue.
The magazine in general.
Everything.

Had I not gotten the news I received yesterday, this would have been a colossal kick in the nuts, but whatever. I've benefited from my relationship with Passion more than they have benefited from having me on the writing staff and should the issue or the magazine not move forward, the intellectual property that is my interview with Michael Musto will be become a free agent piece that I shop like a mo'fo in efforts to secure a new gig.

I was planning on doing just that anyway. Not with the interview, but with my services.

In the relatively short time that I have been professionally putting pen to paper, I've built a reasonably good-looking portfolio of Pop Culture, prose and sports-minded pieces that look awful good when lined up front to back in an Adobe file.

So, I'm going to put some polish to the pieces, burn them onto a CD or 7, send out feelers and see what happens.

Worst case? Bugs, Epic, Trot Magazine and this here blog.

Best case? Who knows? Someone might actually think what I have to say is amusing...

You know, besides you lot!

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Business 101

Just a quickie to see if I'm totally insane or whether my business sense is as good as I've always thought it was.

You hire a new guy that you don't necessarily want to bring on board but someone tells you you have to, so you do but your frustration with having to do so is pretty obvious.

Then, the day that you arrange to come in and meet him, you no show because something else came up, making him feel even more welcomed.

Finally, the day before he's supposed to work his first shift, you give him a call to see if he can come to where you are and pick up keys to open the store the next day. By himself. When you still haven't met him. And he has no idea where anything in the store is. Or who anyone is. Or say, I dunno, the code for the safe and the alarm maybe?

Is it just me or is that a really, really bad business strategy?

Please send any interesting job opportunties to spencerkyte@hotmail.com.

Thank you.

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Connecting With Connections Who Have Connections

I know what you're thinking: Huh?

Allow me to explain.

Getting home to Ontario has re-opened the digital pathways and social networks that I developed and cultivated over the 27 years I spent here before my Newfoundland adventure. That may sound like nothing overly exciting to any of you, but for me, it's fantastic.

One thing I learned very early in life is the old axiom is true - it's not what you know, it's who you know and here in Ontario, I know a lot of people.

That's one of the perks of having been a nomad my entire life; moving around gives you the opportunity to meet a lot more people than staying in one place. Being an extrovert helps too, as does the record amounts of useless Pop Culture and sports-based knowledge I have stored away in my big ol' head.

So, over the years, I met a lot of people. Surprisingly, most of them actually like me enough to remain in touch and friendly now that they know I'm back home. And that is important.

Somebody is bound to know somebody who is looking for someone to write something for them or has an opening somewhere or doing something a little more fulfilling than ensuring Londoners have themselves a Blockbuster Evening. The Facebook'ing has already begun in full force.

But let's be honest - it's not all about job hunting. The connections have also yielded a night out for drinks tonight with an old friend... which is something else that was missing in Newfoundland.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. My Brother is Engaged
"Pistol Pete" popped the question to his girlfriend Brooke upon her return from a Dominican vacation. I'd like to congratulate them on this event in their life and wish them all the best now and in the future. No date is set as of yet.

2. My Brother and I Aren't Close
It sucks when you learn about your brother's engagement via a mass email. Sucks isn't the right word; hurts is the word. Realizing that you're no longer important enough to warrant a personal email, yet alone a phone call, from the person you idolized until you were twelve hurts.

3. Michael Musto Cares About His Readers
After penning my Musto on Lohan on Marilyn piece earlier in the week, I sent a quick email and link to the Village Voice columnist, just because. Saturday morning I read an email from Musto, thanking me for my message and piece and sharing a couple of laughs over the "bimbettes" of the world. Michael Musto is good people!

4. Still Waiting
Conversely, Kevin Smith has never once replied to anything I have sent him. Nor has Jayson Stark, the ESPN Baseball writer who agreed to an interview with me for Bugs & Cranks during the season last year. He said yes, I emailed questions, he got ghost. Michael Musto wouldn't do a thing like that to his readers...

5. Job Hunting Isn't As Bad As I Remember
I applied for two jobs this week - the one with The Score that I've told you about before and one as a Sports Reporter with the Kitchener Record, a daily newspaper where I went to university. In previous employment searching experiences, it wasn't this prosperous. Normally I don't find anything and get discouraged. This time, I actually think there is a chance that I get a job I enjoy. Imagine that!

6. March is a Busy Month
Somehow, it's March 9th already. My flight back to Ontario is exactly one month away. Zero packing has been done, we've got three weekends booked solid with events and there is that little inconvenience known as work that I still have to attend five days a week until I leave. This could get hectic.

7. There Is An Easy Way Out of Customer Disputes
Use big words. When people want to argue with you about stupid things like $2 Restocking Fees on movies, use the biggest words in your vocabulary when answering them, even if you use them improperly. Most of the customers won't know the difference and if you can do it with an even temper and a straight face, they'll just let it go and be on their way. I had some fun with this one last night...

8. Peter Cetera Was Right
Saying "I'm Sorry" or some variation of such is really, really difficult for a lot of people. I mean, no one likes to admit they were wrong, but if you made a scene, dropped a couple F-bombs on minimum wage employees who were just doing their job and then realized you were the one who had made the error, don't you think you could say, "Listen, sorry about the F-bombs. My mistake" or something like that? At the very least, don't call and tell me you found the movie in question under your couch and then proceed to question why we never reminded you about it not being returned...

9. One Free Jose Reyes Bobblehead Doll Coming My Way
One of the perks of preparing merchandise for rental is five finger discounting some of the little flyers and inserts that are inside. Major League Baseball 2K8 came with a website for the bobblehead in question. I've placed my order and am now accepting offers for this little piece of memorabilia. How much you give me B-Rad?

10. Me and Shopping Are No Longer BFF
I know how incredibly gay that sounds, but at least it is past tense gay... not that there is anything wrong with that. See, I used to be a shopaholic, sending whatever money didn't go towards bills went to buying things. No specific things, just things. We went shopping Friday night for some new clothes for YT and it was somewhat painful. I used to walk in, find what I needed instantly, try it on and roll. Now, I stagger around the store unsure of everything. Even picking out a black tie was a bit of a chore. I guess it's a good thing - saving money and all that - but still, part of me is a little sad...

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2007 Year In Review

As the clock starts closing in on midnight, like everyone else in the world, today is a day of reflection on the past 365 days in my life. 2007 was an exceedingly eventful year with many milestones, memories and meaningful moments. Here is a look back at some of them...

A Year As A Newfie
Like I have said countless times before - everyone needs to come out here at least once, preferably during the summer months - so you can marvel at how beautiful Newfoundland truly is. I was fortunate enough to spend the summer on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean and my time in total here has been an experience I will never forget. Maybe one day, when I'm grey and old, I'll move back and be the cranky old guy who lives in Portugal Cove that used to be a writer or something.

Bugs & Cranks
Who would have thought that replying to a harmless little Craigslist ad would end up being the catalyst to my foray into writing for a living? Shortly before 2007 got under way, I joined a little baseball site to cover the Jays with zero expectations and an abundance of optimism. Two months into the baseball season, we were one of the biggest sites on the 'Net as far as the diamond was concerned and the talent pool at B&C continues to grow. Two personal highlights for me were penning my Josh Hamilton piece Five Tools, Eight Years and One More Chance months before he became one of the feel good stories of the season and catching my first Sports Illustrated link with The Anti-Ripkens.

Odd Job Jack
There was a stretch from March until June where I was more or less unemployed. Nothing I was being offered was remotely interesting to me and I kept quitting crappy jobs. All the while, Sarah stood by my side and supported my need to be proud of what I was doing, even though I wasn't contributing financially. While Blockbuster isn't glamourous, I love the people I work with, getting free movies ain't a bad deal and it's a lot better than working at the call centre. Thanks for letting me be me Baby Girl...

I Had Passion, Lost Passion and Found Passion Again
The road to writing for Passion Magazine was a long and frustrating one, but worked out in the end. I was originally contacted in June about doing a story, then stopped hearing from them altogether for nearly two months before the new Managing Editor got back in touch and filled me in. Two months later, my name was in print on two stories in the re-launch issue and is penciled in for a feature in Issue #2.

Worst. Vacation. Ever. (But It's Gonna Make a Great Movie One Day)
We should have just gotten the hint when we couldn't make it to the Dominican for Tim & Tania's Wedding. Or maybe after the Emergency Appendectomy. Instead, the car we needed to go to Ontario to pick up is a pile of scrap somewhere near Flamborough, there is one less deer in the world and the last week of 2007 was the most hectic, least relaxing week in the history of mankind. The only silver lining? I think I can write it into a pretty funny movie...

Becoming A Better Man
Warning: Some of you may not want to read this - it's sentimental and serious.
Over the last 365 days, I have become a much better man than I ever thought possible. I don't worry about myself and only myself any more. Actually, I don't even worry about myself first anymore and that is an incredible feeling. This year, I swallowed my pride and got my financial house in order by filing bankruptcy. Getting to that point was irresponsible, but knowing it was the best option was the grown up thing to do. I became a better friend - flying home for a wedding that I knew I had to be at and making time for those who are most important to me. Mostly though, the easiest thing to say is that I grew up this year. I realized what I want in my life and have done everything that I could do to make sure that happens and that's saying something...

Favourites of 2007

Big Movie: Zodiac
Everything about it was awesome. David Fincher is still a genius behind a camera, Robert Downey Jr. is still a genius in front of one and Jake Gyllenhall even made me forget about his little trips up the mountain with Ennis Del Mar... the fact that it's based on real events makes it even creepier.

Little Movie: A Guide to Recognizing You Saints
Another appearance by Mr. Robert Downey Jr. in this one, this time starring as the grown up version of Shia Leboeuf's character Dito Montiel, another living breathing person and the man who wrote the book this movie is came from. The true breakout in this film though was Channing Tatum, who casts asides any thoughts that he might just be the next good looking crappy actor with his turn as Antonio.

Album: Alright, Still by Lily Allen
Infectious. Quick. Sharp. Those are the three best words to describe this album. There is something brilliant about the light, airy, lilting nature of the "kiss my ass you stupid bastard" songs on the album and "LDN" is worth it for the horn section alone.

Song: "Stronger" by Kanye West
Anyone who wants to doubt Kanye as the greatest mind and talent in hip hop can drop me a line here and we'll get it on. Be warned though - this will end with me playing Kanye and you being 50 Cent. Mixing Daft Punk with his trademark bravado, Kanye scored the best song of the year.

Song: "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy
Just because hearing Sarah try to yell out lyrics to it is one of my most favourite things in the world... and no Baby, it doesn't go "Soulja Boy I'll tell you what!" Superman these hos!

Book: Extra Innings by Patrick Smith
No, I'm not saying it just to kiss Smitty's ass and because he gave it to me for free. One, it is a really great read, whether you like baseball or not, because it is about life as told through a season with his baseball team. Two, it serves as daily motivation and a daily reminder that I can make something out of this here writing thing. No longer are published authors whose book I've read random people I know nothing about and that makes the pursuit of my dreams all the more plausible. Thanks for that Smitty - and I can't wait for Book #2... I'll even buy it this time!

So long 2007. It was eventful. Bring on 2008...

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Dishonour Roll: Newfoundland

Normally, this segment is reserved for actual people, but today - and today only - I'm including an entire province.

Now before I go any further, allow me to once again issue a disclaimer:

• There are a number of people here that I am very fond of and they all know who they are
• It's damn beautiful out here and you should come see it

That being said, what the hell is wrong with this stupid island?!

As mentioned in a previous installment of this blog, Newfoundlanders have an problem when it comes to employing Mainlanders like me. The proof of this extended to new heights yesterday when my manager, a fellow mainlander, informed me that one of our customers was asking a fellow Lackluster Video employee "Why we're out here?" as if you need a special pass to be allowed on the island.

Now, I could see if I was out here doing nothing, collecting a government cheque and being a drain on the economy and society, but I'm working and spending my hard earned in my community. I'm trying to give back.

Secondly, for a group who seems to be so up in arms about mainlanders coming to their island they don't seem to have any problem with the thousands - literally thousands - of Newfoundlanders who are abroad right now earning their livings. Whether it be the scores of people working in Fort Mac or the countless Newfies who trek to Ontario to find better opportunities... nothing like a nice double standard to make you feel welcomed!

But the employment gripe is one that has already been covered, so let's move on to some other points shall we?

Everything gets here late. It takes six weeks for mail to get from Ontario to Newfoundland, even longer if it's coming from Vancouver and apparently not at all when it's coming from England. This normally wouldn't be a problem, except a certain someone (uh, me...) is waiting to see his name in print on the shelves of Chapters.

Earlier today I cleared up my worries that the magazine was pushed back in an email with my Editor who assures me that our distributor has sent out our issue to all our retailers. That means one of two things is taking place:

1. Lazy ass Chapters hasn't put it on the shelf yet...
2. It's sitting at Marine Atlantic somewhere because the transport hasn't gotten here yet

Either way, it's sucks and is a Newfoundland issue. This type of shit doesn't happen on The Mainland. A magazine is supposed to be out Tuesday, you can go to the store and get it Tuesday...

No one knows how to drive here either. I don't mean in a literal sense, like everyone rides a bike or takes the bus, but in a "they drive like effing morons" kind of way. Seriously, these people would die instantaneously on any of the 400 Series Highways, if not from fear alone than from their horrific driving.

The speed limit is a suggestion. You don't have to stay five kilometers under the posted speed, especially when that speed is 40...

Sunday Drives: They're called such because they are supposed to occur on a leisurely Sunday afternoon, not every day of the week at all hours. Believe it or not, some of us are in a hurry and have places to go, people to see, things to do, so either speed up or get the hell outta my way so I can at least go 60...

Left Turns: it's a lot easier to make the turn if you creep into the intersection a little like they teach you in Driver's Ed... staying behind the line at the light means you take longer to actually make the turn when you can and less people are able to make the turn with each light. Therefore, I end up sitting through four sets of lights because one car goes through each light, no one plays the extra car and turns during the yellow-to-red progression and I end up swearing a great deal.

Merging: You don't slow down to wait for someone to let you in... you speed up to the flow of traffic and go from there. No one is going to drive you off the road, but you might cause an accident by jamming on your breaks and waiting for someone to do the same so you can get over one lane.

Random Stopping: Don't get me wrong, it's a nice gesture, but that nice gesture is going to cause an accident some day. Whether it be stopping to let a pedestrian cross the road or not following proper driving / traffic protocol, the random stopping is probably the most dangerous of all Newfie Driving Errors...

Add to all this the unfortunate accent / drawl that some Newfoundlanders possess that could make even the smartest person sound like an idiot, the misuse of simple English and incorrect grammar of common statements like "I loves it", "Where ya to?" and "Whattya at?"...

I hate to say it... it pains me to say it... but Newfoundland has found a place on the Dishonour Roll.

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Being From Away is Not Okay

Before I go on my anti-Newfoundland offensive, lemme keep a make couple things clear:

• I would never change my decision to be out here. This has been the best and most important year of my life thus far.
• There are some really great people out here and I will take their friendships with me when we move home in May.
• Everyone needs to come out here, at least once, just to really understand and take in how beautiful this place is.

Now then - if you're from "The Mainland" and have any inclination of moving to Newfoundland, don't do it. It's not a good move. Things are different out here and by things, I mean you.

This one is a long time in the making too. Since day one out here... and it's just bubbled over officially today.

Do you know how many interviews I have gotten since I have been out here? Three - one at a Call Centre, one at Home Depot and one at Blockbuster, where I'm currently hustling movies and having laughs with a great group of people. That's it.

I'm a University Graduate - Psych Major, HR Minor, Univeristy of Waterloo '01...

Doesn't matter. I'm from Away. That point trumps all else in terms of even getting a foot in the door or a callback for that matter. So with a resume that boasts the educational background I have as well as numerous years in management roles with both a Crown Corporation and small-town, family-operated business alike, all I can score is the same job high school kids are using to earn their beer money.

But it's deeper than that too.

Writing? Hell no. Even though I've sent countless emails and even shown up in person to try to introduce myself to the Editor of The Telegram, I can't get a sniff from him. Closest I've come is renting a couple of flicks to his ex-wife over the weekend...

Even the free to the world weeklies want nothing to do with me. My material isn't what they're looking for or their paper isn't the right type of forum for someone like me...

And then today, the best one yet.

Sarah and I are house hunting and I went and saw a beauty spot last night. Nice couple - snowbirds heading south for the winter. Everything clicked.

She's a nurse - Sarah's a nurse.
He loves baseball - I write about baseball.
Their daughter is a journalist, so am I... sort of...

I was charming, respectful, offered to pay a larger sum than they were requesting so they knew we were serious about wanting to live there. Everything felt good about the meeting. I told Sarah I thought we would get it, even though there was one other woman that they had to meet with. What could she have that we don't?

She's from the same little village as he is. Barely 12 hours after I sat in their living room, their decision was made and it wasn't in our favor.

"She's from where I'm from out around the bay. Same place we have our cottage. We know the same people. Everyone out there wouldn't be pleased if we didn't give it to her."

Bullshit.

Now, missus could be the nicest woman in the world and they just would rather her than me and Sarah, but that isn't what was said. It was a flat out, "She's from here, you two are from away" situation and that's garbage.

I know it happens every day in every arena imaginable and the slights that I've encountered here are nothing in comparison with what many go through on a daily basis. Doesn't make it any less wrong though.

Now maybe I am an unemployable bastard and my writing is piss-poor, but since there are a couple people who send me cheques on a semi-regular basis for my writing and everyone seems to think I'm a fairly affable and enjoyable person to work with and for, I don't think that's the case.

I just happen to be one of those unlucky souls who wasn't born and raised here on The Island...

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