Black Bear Video: So Much Better Than Blockbuster!

Back in the early days of iBlog, I was working at Blockbuster.

You remember; once or twice a week I would bitch and complain about the customers or the company or whatever.

Ah, the good old days.

Turns out, moving to Kimberley further proved just how absolutely ridiculous Blockbuster Video and all the other corporate video stores truly are...

See, I now rent my movies at Black Bear Video and Books. Yeah, they have books too and by books, I don't mean magazines and I certainly don't mean porn like customers used to ask all too often at Blockbuster.

They also let me bring Luke into the store, provided he doesn't pee on anything like he tried to do today before Sarah whisked him out of the store to whiz.

Oh, they also sell the most incredible, homemade gellato I've ever tasted. Yeah, gellato, as in "better than ice cream" and they make it right there and it's cheap and delicious and awesome.

But the capper - you know, besides the clerks not wearing uniforms, trying to sell you everything from a $20 coupon book you're sure to forget and the annoying loop of crappy trailers blaring in the background - comes down to money.

Monday to Thursday, two new releases... $7. Yeah, seven dollars, also known as 93 cents more than it cost to rent one new release at Blockbuster. It's not like the price skyrockets on weekends either. That extra dollar they charge me certainly isn't going to break the bank.

And previously viewed movies aren't stickered arbitrarily and placed on a giant display wall; they're in a couple cool old milk boxes and are $5 each. Old, new, whatever. $5, as in "Today I bought Pineapple Express and Max Payne for $5 each."

One and for all, Black Bear Video has proven something that I knew all along: Blockbuster Video sucks balls.

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The Rundown: Actors I Hate More Than Nicolas Cage

I've actually had conversations about how much I hate Nicolas Cage.

Seriously. It was a fairly regular conversation in the Blockbuster days and seems to be somewhat universal across the male demographic, provided they have some taste in movies.

See, for every good movie Elvis' former son-in-law has done (Raising Arizona) there are two horrible movies (Ghost Rider, Bangkok Dangerous) where you think about carving your own eyes out so you don't have to see any more awful Cage acting.

What is all the more remarkable, at least to me, is that Cage doesn't even top my list of actors that I downright loathe. I present those people to you today...

Top 5 Actors I Hate More Than Nicolas Cage

5. Christian Slater
Kind of follows in the same lines as Cage, in that there have been good turns (True Romance) but more often than not, there have been bombs like Broken Arrow and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

4. Kevin Costner
Speaking of Robin of Locksley... man this guy drives me insane! Honestly, I can't remember the last movie of Costner's that I actually enjoyed. Everything for the last ten years has been crap. I can't believe this is the same guy who played Crash Davis in Bull Durham. Swing Vote? Are you kidding me?

3. Ryan Phillippe
ARGH! Not only is he a douche bag for cheating on Reese Witherspoon, but for all the people who bag on Keanu Reeves for being all monotone and shit, I present this chucklehead. He wants so desperately to be a big-time serious actor that he hasn't figured out he's nothing more than talking eye candy. Him trying to be all gripping and raw nearly ruined Stop-Loss for me. Thankfully, Joseph Gordon Levitt made it all better.
2. Paul Walker
I loved seeing his mug on the cover of Bobby Z, the direct-to-DVD gangster flick that served as his last starring role because it gave me hope that he was going the Val Kilmer route and falling off the face of the mainstream Earth. Then comes this summer's Fast & Furious, the ingeniously titled next entry in the The Fast & The Furious line. Dammit!
1. Julianne Moore
What? You thought I was going all guys? If you've been following iBlog over it's entire existence, you know how I feel about Ms. Moore. If you haven't, allow me to get you up to speed: She is the same character over and over and over again and forever ruined the character of Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs with her awful turn in Hannibal. Watching Next is like torture to me... Cage & Moore, together... yikes!

By the way, this wasn't a completely randomly generated idea... these guys got me thinking about it...

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The Rundown: Christmas Classics

There is no other time of year where I have to watch certain movies.

I don't have a list of Thanksgiving movies or Spring movies or any kind of close approximation to an Easter movie collection.

What I do have, like so many others, is a group of Christmas movies that make their way onto my TV at one point or another over the holidays.

Working at Blockbuster last Christmas confirmed for me that I am not alone; it also reaffirmed that I have far superior taste to many of the mouthbreathers out there who couldn't wait to get their hands on Deck the Halls or Christmas with The Kranks.

They needed a list like this.

All-Time Top Five Christmas Movies

5. A Christmas Story
God Bless TBS for their 24-hour A Christmas Story Marathon every Christmas Eve. I'll watch it at least once tonight...

4. Home Alone
Too bad Macaulay Culkin went right down the well-traveled road of the Child Star because he was so much fun in this movie. I remember going to see Home Alone in the theatre... twice. Fun and sweet and charming and cute and everything a Christmas Movie should be.

3. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
D'you know why I don't buy a real tree for Christmas or go cut one down myself? This movie; I'm scared a fucking squirrel is going to jump out at me and go all crazy inside my house. Christmas isn't Christmas without The Griswold's.

2. Bad Santa
Not exactly your typical holiday flick and that's why I love it so much. Lauren Graham is awesome. Tony Cox is awesome. The Fat Kid that loves sammiches is awesome. And Billy Bob Thornton is fucking perfect as a drunken redneck conman masquerading as Santa, probably because I'm certain that's exactly what he'd be doing if people stopped putting him in movies.

1. Elf
Will Ferrell has fallen off dramatically as of late, but Elf is still classic Christmas cinema. Yeah it gets all syrupy and schmaltzy at the end, but before that it's just plain old fun. I've watched it twice already this year and recite the "You Stink" speech to the dog about four times a day.

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Damn Straight, Sheryl Crow!

A change will do me good and over the last couple of days, a great deal has changed. The goodness of said changes will officially be determined later, but I'm pretty psyched about the possibilities.

The biggest announcement - or at least the one I am happiest about - is that my time at Blockbuster Video is coming to an end.

I gave my two weeks notice earlier today, as instead of asking "Ever heard of our Rewards Program?" I will now be asking "What can I cook for you tonight?" in my Montana's Cookhouse shirt. Spencer the Server is back and I like it!

But I wouldn't be evoking Sheryl Crow for just one thing. One thing is a tweak.

Announcement #2 is my addition to the contributors list at Trot Magazine (Stop Laughing Sarah...) with an initial assignment already sitting on my desk and being worked on in my head.

As much as I love working for Passion and you, me and the intelligent folks in the world acknowledge the validity and quality contributions of blogs and sites like Epic and Bugs, Trot serves as my first foray into a nationally recognized publication in an industry that I have a great deal of knowledge about and have grown up loving.

One is a tweak, two is only an adjustment. A change is three...

Interviewing Michael Musto for the next issue of Passion rounds out the trio of triumphs that leads to referencing Sheryl Crow songs.

This was something I put to my editors and they have agreed, marking the second time in as many issues that I will be putting together something of my own creation for publication.

Musto is one of the best in the celebrity gossip business and has been for years with his La Dolce Musto column and Daily Musto blog at the Village Voice and getting this interview is a huge step forward for my career. Now all I have to do is manage to nail him down for a couple minutes sometime soon to see what he has to say about our current crop of celebrities.

Now that I've put all of this down in words and sat here looking at it, perhaps I've picked the wrong song to riff on. Maybe this should have been The Doors...

Break on through to the other side

Naw, Jim Morrison was as dick and I hate Val Kilmer!

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Wait, Someone Is At The Door

Opportunity is knocking and it couldn't be happening at a better time.

Blockbuster is growing more tiresome by the day and a change of scenery - even though I just started there - is desperately in need.

Enter Montana's.

The triumphant return of Spencer the Server looks like a good bet following my initial interview this morning. I was early, I was charming, I was funny and I said all the right things... I think. I must have done something right because Interview #2 takes place tomorrow with the person who put me through to Interview #1 in the first place. Me thinks this is just a formality...

That's not the only time opportunity has come knocking in recent days, as I've cultivated a new freelancing possibility as well.

One of the first things I did when I got back was start getting in touch with some old colleagues who always seem to know about an opportunity or two for a guy in my situation. One of those connections suggested I get in touch with the people at Standardbred Canada and, more specifically, Trot Magazine. Stop laughing Sarah...

I did just that and got a quick response to pass along whatever materials I had available so they could determine whether I was just a chucklehead with a lot of friends in the industry or a talented writer with a lot of friends in the industry.

After receiving and reviewing my portfolio yesterday, I got an email regarding my first potential assignment for an upcoming issue.

I don't want to jinx anything so I'm going to end it here, with my fingers crossed and an optimistic outlook for a summer filled with slinging ribs, counting tips and cranking the writing output up to 11.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Back on my own computer, sitting in my newly established "office" and ready to deliver.

Come and get it, bitches!

1. Patience
Seriously, I learned to be patient this week. Actually, somewhat overnight. Yesterday I was in a funk, stuck with the lingering thought that I won't ever get off my ass and write my book and might not amount to anything more than a movie jockey at Blockbuster who does a little writing on the side. Then I got off my ass this morning and hit Staples to get my portfolio put together and wrote two pieces for Bugs. Now I'm here doing this little number and it's not even 1:00 yet. I needed to feel miserable in order to remember that things aren't going to happen overnight and I can't control the written universe. I know - I'm a bit dramatic sometimes, eh?

2. My Head Isn't In It
There is no part of me that is conscientious about working at Blockbuster now. It is merely a distraction that interferes with every other aspect of my life. Case in point, I drove to work yesterday without my keys to lock up at the end of the night. Normally, I'm an anal retentive, overly prepared freak show who turns up for work 20 minutes early to see if there is anything I can help with. Now, here, I show up totally unprepared five minutes before I go on the clock. Not a good sign.

3. A Must Read
I started reading John Howard Griffin's Black Like Me earlier in the week and though I am only a handful of pages in, I feel obligated to tell everyone to read this book. Griffin, a white man, dyes his skin and lives a year as a Black man in the South, starting in October 1959. This could be one of those life changing books for me.

4. Tomorrow, I Relax
And by relax, I mean grab a seat in the upper deck of the Rogers Centre alongside my one-time roommate Beast and a couple friends watching the finale of the Blue Jays - Tigers series. I'm looking forward to this for many reasons: (1) "Beer and a Dog," (2) Beast is one of the funniest people I know and always entertaining, (3) it gives me a chance to price out a retro Blue Jays jersey so I know how much it'll cost when I try to convince Sarah that I really, really need one.

5. After Today, I'm Flying Solo
That ironic twist I told you about a couple weeks ago gets triggered today, as later this afternoon I'll be dropping Garry off at the airport in Hammertown for a three week jaunt to Calgary and Vancouver. While we haven't gotten the month of "bond building" I initially aimed for this to be, we've had a solid ten days and there is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be a smooth and enjoyable summer.

6. What is it with London and Homophobia?
One of the people I work with has insinuated twice that things I do - or don't do - are gay. My owning and drinking from a pink Brita water bottle caught me an awkward glance and curious questions. My refusal to move the two awareness bracelets that have adorned my left wrist for the better part of four years over to my right to cover my tattoo was met with the remark, "Why is it a gay thing?" That one got Person A the stink eye. It's 2008 and for chrissakes! Get over yourself and your hangups already...

7. Dinner Monday Night...
Harvey's! It's been too damn long since I sank my teeth into a bad-ass, made just the way you like it Harvey's Hamburger and Monday is going to be the end of that drought. Bacon Cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, relish, tomato, hot peppers and pickles... Delicious!

8. Apparently, I Have a Talent for Unpacking
Garry was quite impressed with how "industrious" (his word, not mine) I was on Thursday once my stuff arrived. We bombed it into the kitchen around noon and by the time he came home at five, I had pretty near everything unpacked, the room totally realigned to best optimize space and many of the little "feels like home" touches already in place, like Sarah's Mini Christmas Tree and a couple of framed pictures. This is what happens when you've moved as much as I have.

9. My Name is Spencer and I Have a Caffeine Dependency
Friday on the way to work I declined a coffee. I wasn't feeling well and just knew that a large double-double wasn't the cure that I needed. In my head, not having to go to boring-ass work was the cure I needed. All day long, my headache persisted. Ate food, drank water and nothing. Sitting after dinner, Garry tossed me the keys and told me to go to Starbucks. Twenty minutes later and three chugs into my Venti Komodo Dragon, headache gone. Good ol' caffeine to the rescue. The moral of this story: Coffee has healing powers!

10. How Cool Would It Be...
If I got to interview Ellen Page for the next issue of Passion? We're doing a Celebrity Issue next and in Spencer tradition, I started pitching assignment ideas to my editor a couple weeks ago. Then I watched Juno Tuesday night (and again Wednesday night with the Commentary) and got to thinking, "Hey, Ellen Page fits everything we're looking for. Canadian, celebrity, relevant, even buzz-worthy..." So I sent Nicole an email saying the same and am sitting here clinging to my pipe dream of picking up the phone in the next two weeks and having a conversation with Juno MacGuff. Is it going to happen? Probably not, but shit, what's the harm in hoping?

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Business 101

Just a quickie to see if I'm totally insane or whether my business sense is as good as I've always thought it was.

You hire a new guy that you don't necessarily want to bring on board but someone tells you you have to, so you do but your frustration with having to do so is pretty obvious.

Then, the day that you arrange to come in and meet him, you no show because something else came up, making him feel even more welcomed.

Finally, the day before he's supposed to work his first shift, you give him a call to see if he can come to where you are and pick up keys to open the store the next day. By himself. When you still haven't met him. And he has no idea where anything in the store is. Or who anyone is. Or say, I dunno, the code for the safe and the alarm maybe?

Is it just me or is that a really, really bad business strategy?

Please send any interesting job opportunties to spencerkyte@hotmail.com.

Thank you.

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I Gotta Work Tomorrow?

D'you know how hard it is going to be to go to work tomorrow?

I've been off now for nearly two full weeks and I have no desire whatsoever to continue my career shilling movies.

Not that I have anything against Blockbuster, just it's Blockbuster. Even though they're giving me a raise and I don't have to work that many hours, the store is way across town, I don't have a car full-time yet and have never been a fan of Public Transportation Systems and, well, yeah, I'm a slacker!

I would much rather sit at home, watch afternoon baseball games and type away on this here computer, providing you with witty goodness and self-righteous opinion like yesterday than say, receive next week's rental and once again listen to people ask me for that movie starring that guy that was in that film with that other guy...

Thing is, it's not that I don't like work in general; I do, when it is work that I see a purpose in and a point to doing. Shilling movies, while it provides a couple hours of entertainment for each paying customer, isn't really what you call rewarding.

It's like my friend Jeff Woodrow, who quit his well-paying job doing what he went to school for to start making t-shirts. Today, that t-shirt idea is a growing company that is gaining national and international attention (including an article in the latest issue of Passion penned by me) and giving Woody the opportunitity to do work that he enjoys. Isn't that what it's all about?

For me, it is and it will be, just I don't have the ability to walk away from a job right now. I've done it too many times before and need to ensure that the cash continues to flow into my bank account. I have responsibilities right now and I intend to honour them.

One of these days though, things will work out. A few more freelance jobs will fall into place, the money will start to get better and better and I can get on with doing what I want to do...

Grab a bag a chips and a can of Coke while I kick back and watch the ball game!

* * * * * * * * * *

Help change the world one t-shirt at a time... Visit Joy T-Shirt and order your own today!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Whirlwind Week is officially over. Here is what came from it ...

1. Where's Justine Bateman?

I've already found my new watering hole here in London and it's called The Alex P. Keaton. How awesome is that? A bar named after Michael J. Fox's classic Family Ties character that features big plates of Sweet Potato Fries, unique beverage choices and live music every night, including Old School Hip Hop Saturdays. Cold beer and vintage Eric B. and Rakim? Sign me up.

2. I Miss My Store

Been to the new Blockbuster location twice and I gotta say, I'm not impressed. I won't go into detail and I knew this would be the case, but I really do wish everyone I rocked the Block with in St. John's had just relocated up here with me.

3. London Makes Me Read

No idea what it is, but me being in this city makes me read more. Or maybe it's that I have books on my nightstand that I want to read whenever I am here, but still. I knocked off three books when we were hear over Christmas killing deer and in the four days since I arrived, I've already just about finished How to Lose Friends and Alienate People with Black Like Me waiting in the wings. Sadly, I still can't find $40 Million Slaves anywhere in stores. Guess I'll have to order it.

4. Angelo's = Awesome

Having an Italian deli / butcher / grocer in my new backyard is tremendous. Shopping fresh daily is something that I am very much in favour of and being able to go next door, grab some fresh breads, meats, cheeses and snacks whenever I want is going to be a favourite activity all summer long.

5. Opportunity Will Knock

It hasn't yet, but they'll have the address shortly so that they can come calling. Checking out the possibility of doing some freelancing in the harness racing business, an industry that I grew up around and which provides a living for a number of close friends. Fingers crossed people, fingers crossed.

6. Already in Rhythm

Garry and I have found a nice rhythm to living together already. Playoff hockey, Blue Jays baseball and The Masters will do that for you. So too does the wicked new TV we're currently sitting in front of watching Montreal and Boston battle it out. But it's more than sports - meals, groceries, dishes, laughs, everything is falling into place and confirming even more that this was a good idea and will be a great summer.

7. Speaking of Montreal...

Of course I want my Red Wings to hoist Lord Stanley's Cup, but Montreal looks really, really good. All those people who called for Bob Gainey's head at the Trade Deadline need to offer up their apologies right about now. All Carey Price does is win. Last time I checked, that was a good thing.

8. Sarah is Settling in Too

Reports from the booming metropolis of Hopedale are great so far; no problems this first week, aside from a snow storm and she sounds more confident than I have ever heard her when it comes to her nursing skills, abilities and future. As an added bonus, she's adopted the Clinic's puppy and made it her mission to teach this dog some tricks.

9. Dude, Where's My Stuff?

Because it's not here yet. Talked to the fine folks from Ship It earlier in the week and was told one day this weekend. It's now Sunday night and no sign of them. Hopefully they come soon - the wardrobe is awful thin right about now.

10. Stop-Loss: Just Okay

As you know, I was really looking forward to seeing this film, Kim Peirce's second effort about soldiers being sent back to Iraq after their tours are completed. While I love the fact that it tackles a very difficult issue, contains the line "Fuck the President!" and has an Oscar-worthy performance from Joseph Gordon-Levitt, it still fell a little flat for me. Probably Ryan Phillippe's fault, since I don't really like him and he isn't great carrying this movie. Channing Tatum could have been even better too.

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Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today really sucks.

Tomorrow is going to suck even more.

Everything except the things we're each bringing on our respective flights is packed and ready to be picked up, which means I'm sitting here in a big-ish empty house surrounded by boxes and even though I've done it more times than I care to count, it still gets to me.

Leaving Newfoundland is a lot harder for me than some of you may believe.

I know I bitch about things out here fairly regularly on this space, but the truth is that the best two years of my life, relationship wise and professionally, have taken place since I landed on the shores of Dear Ol' Newfoundland.

Coming here to be with Sarah was a huge leap of faith; a belief that the feelings we shared in our three weeks together before she returned for school were real and that the beautiful weekend we had at my cousin Rob's wedding that Thanksgiving could be duplicated.

Seventeen months later, I can't imagine being without her, even for this next month and know that the decision I made in October 2006 was easily the smartest decision of my life.

But Newfoundland has been about more than Sarah.

This is where my writing talents flourished and found homes.

I found Bugs & Cranks sitting in our apartment on Crosbie Road while scouring the Craigslist Toronto website one day. Passion Magazine happened the same way. Epic Carnival came from my work at Bugs.

And this little number right here was born out of an evening of drinks and dinner for my birthday at Fog City.

All the future success that may come via the pen or the keyboard originated in Newfoundland and that makes getting on a plane tomorrow with an indefinite return date a very hard thing to do.

What makes it a little easier is knowing that the friends I've made here are going to be friends for life.

They don't have a choice... I'll Facebook Stalk them!

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Soundtrack of My Life

Song: Thnks fr th Mmrs
Artist: Fall Out Boy
Album: Infinity on High

So many reasons for this so we'll jump right in.

First and foremost - this is my shout out to The Blockbuster Posse.

I worked my last shift last night and all I can say to E, Smash, Kim, Lo, Jen, Cal, D, Tone and The Newbies is thanks for the memories. Even though I bitch about the place incessantly, it's never been about the people, because the people are top shelf.

Now I have to go to London and teach a whole new crew of people about the "What the Hell Happened To..." Game, the Direct to DVD Hall of Fame and what the definition of gangsterdom is.

Moving on...

I love Fall Out Boy and I could care less what you think about that.

Call them emo, call them pop punk, call them sell outs... whatever. They're dope, plain and simple. Yeah, I said dope.

Been down with the boys from Illinois since before the mainstream. Ask my old roommate Beast; I used to use Fall Out Boy lyrics and titles as my MSN name when we lived to together and he, like everyone else, thought I was totally insane... until "Sugar, We're Going Down" blew up and the light went on.

As for this song itself, there is a lot to like.

Pulling all the vowels from the title is awesome and has a two-fold intention. First, it's a nod to text messaging culture where ever word in the English language is shortened to the bare minimum. While I think texting is contributing to the dumbing down of our society as a whole, it's a great marketing idea and I can appreciate that. Cash rules everything around me... (someone please finish the lyric)

The second bit of awesomeness with the title is that it's a "Here, is this better?" to FOB's record label which has always complained about the long-winded titles of their songs. While I have to agree that "Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued" is a bit much, it could be worse. They could have pulled a Fiona Apple and named their album... wait for it...

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You'll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right.

As far as the actual song goes, the first thing that caught my ear was the great orchestral inclusions at the beginning. I don't know why but any song where orchestral music wouldn't normally be sounds really cool with an orchestral ensemble in it. Find the Orchestral Live Version of "Drive" by Incubus and tell me I'm wrong...

The second thing that hit me were, as per usual, the lyrics.

I've been the guy sitting down penning the letters or, more appropriately for this song, the text messages that fit with Pete Wentz' words:

And I want these words to make things right
But it's for wrongs that make the words come to life
Who does he think he is?
If that's the worst you got, better put your fingers back to the keys

Now there is one line that has been puzzling to many, myself included initially, from the time the album was released. It's the last line of the chorus, which goes as follows:

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

The "He tastes like you only sweeter" is an reference to a line from the Mike Nicholls film Closer (available at Blockbuster Video...) and is meant to be a verbal dagger to a scorned lover. She's telling him about the sex with other guy... not he's having sex with the guy too as some have thought.

I just realized that this is the longest Soundtrack I've dropped in some time, by far, so I'm going to wrap it up.

I dig this band - and their friends Gym Class Heros (One Day at a Time, Trav....) - and I dig this song.

Give them a shot and give it a listen and you will too.

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My Case of The Mondays

Yack-fest 2008 continued last night, prompting me to call in sick to work and sack out on the couch like a total stupor as soon as a I got home.

See, I'm the kind of guy that even turns up for work twenty minutes after he was praying to the porcelain goddess, just so as to not overly inconvenience anyone.

Thankfully, Bossman D felt bad enough that he came in and covered my shift for me. Thanks again D!

So I figured that with there being nothing left in my system and a full night of absolute comatose sleep behind me, I would wake up feeling refreshed and invigorated. Uh, not so much.

I'm feeling like Ron Livingstone in Office Space, except I don't hate work - I hate my immune system.

Attempt at Food #1 didn't go so well, so a phone call was placed to work.
(Sorry Lois - thanks for covering for me.)

A shower didn't improve my well-being either.

All that was left to try was more extended time on the couch. So I popped in Season 7, Disc 2 of Friends and...

It's like this disc has magic sleeping powers over me. This is the third time in two days that I've tried to get around to watching "The One with All The Cheesecakes" but I never seem to make it passed "The One with The Holiday Armadillo."

I'm proud to report that Attempt at Food #2 has thus far been a success; you usually can't go wrong with Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup and Ginger Ale by the gallons. That being said, it's still relatively early.

No matter how I feel, I need to be at work bright and early tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I'll look like the guy who is done in three days and just doesn't want to show up for his last week of work and that is certainly not the case. Honest.

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I Know Which Dwarf I Am...

Grumpy.

I'm at that point where I'm just tired of everything.

I'm tired of being a moron who wastes a great night out all dressed up with his girlfriend getting shitcanned and announcing to a room full of strangers that, "I'm Spencer and I'm awesome because I have a mohawk!"

I'm sick of busting my ass at Blockbuster effing Video for the last nine months to find out that that transfer they assured me would happen whenever I wanted to move back to Ontario isn't as assured as originally advertised.

I'm pissed that I've spent countless months talking about all the ideas I have for a book and a movie and writing and haven't done shit about it. Not one single word.

I'm grumpy as fuck and d'you know what?

It's about goddamn time too!

Reaching the point of total and utter frustration moves you in one of two ways:

1. Prolonged periods of laying on the couch in the fetal position watching old movies and crying
2. Sitting at this computer every spare minute I have either trying to find a better job that shilling movies or writing the book / movie that will make me never have to shill another movie ever again.
   

I'm not much for the fetal position, so starting NOW, the search is on for a different job and the writing starts first thing tomorrow morning.

Schedules. Routine. Habit. Timelines. That is the only way these ideas that have been bouncing around inside my head for the better part of the last year are ever going to become whatever they are meant to become. I just need to sit down and do it.

No more Baseball Mogul 2008.

No more three hour cycles of The Score.

No more laying around watching old movies.

Writing, writing and more writing.

P.S. You don't want to mess with Grumpy... consider yourself warned.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. I Can't Drink Any More
There was a time when a night like Saturday wouldn't have hurt me one bit come Sunday morning. I would have gotten up, grabbed some Mickey D's and chilled out on the couch nursing a very small hangover. Instead, I got my ass kicked. Still got the Mickey D's, still sacked out on the couch all day, but the hangover was gigantic.

2. Done
With Saturday producing the Sunday that it did, I've decided to hang up the drinking on a fairly permanent basis. A couple beers here and there with the lads or over dinner or whatever is still very much happening, but bender nights are now thing of the past. Not remembering isn't a badge of courage... it's a sign of stupidity.

3. Stylin' and Profilin'
From the pictures I've seen, I looked good Saturday night. Like real good. Ron Burgundy "Hey everyone. Come see how good I look" good. Then everything went blank and I couldn't tell you the rest... stupid vodka...

4. Two Weeks
As in, I'll be home in... Crazy! Time has flown by and there is a bunch of stuff still needing to be done around the house, but flights are booked, transfers are in place and a week hanging out in Cambridge with Faye is the first course of action when I get home. Book your visits now!

5. New Province, Same Job
The transfer mentioned above is in fact a position with Blockbuster in Ontario. Responsible Spencer - the sober yin to Saturday night's hammered yang - decided that a crappy job that pays the bills is better than no crappy job, so I'm heading home to Rock the Block.

6. My Bracket Is Broken
It was shot right out of the gate. I had USC going to the Elite 8, Arizona making a trip to the Sweet 16 and a host of other scenarios that certainly haven't panned out. One thing I do still have correct though... UNC winning this whole damn thing. Tell me they haven't looked better than everyone else?

7. Remember Boyz II Men?
Man, those kids from West Philly were awesome. What has me extolling the talents of Nate, Shawn and Wanya? They were on Don't Forget the Lyrics and goddamn they had a lot of hits back in the day! Motownphilly, End of the Road, On Bended Knee, I'll Make Love to You... that joint with Mariah before she went crazy. Where are groups like Boyz II Men today? We need another Boyz II Men.

8. Pretend Blue Jays in Familiar Position
Third place in the American League East. Good to know that even baseball simulations have the Jays as paper contenders in the AL East.

9. Now That I've Staved Off Death...
I got a ton of writing to do. The Jays season starts soon and they have been busy in the last couple days - GO CHECK BUGS & CRANKS PEOPLE - Epic needs a post or two in the next couple days and we all know this blog doesn't write itself. A trained chimp named Vincent K. Monkey does it. I pay him in bananas.

10. Gotta Love That Picture From Yesterday! (Scroll Down In Case You Missed It)
Seriously, even I can't manage to get that hammered. When you get so drunk that you strip down to your thong and crash on a picnic table, ass out for everyone to see, you need to put down the Canadians and pick up a bottle of water.

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Breaking News: Hell Has Frozen Over

It must have. How else do you explain me being home already?

Normally, I would be at work now, but there is a first time for everything and the first today is that despite an undying love of making money and staying open when everything else in the city is shut down, we closed the doors at The Block and packed'er in early tonight.

The severe winter storm that is ripping through St. John's and supposed to continue until sometime tomorrow evening got me home for a little extra couch time and a few extra hours of sleeping in the morning too, since being at the store at 9 AM has about as good a chance of happening as me seeing green grass anytime soon.

Thought I would pass along the breaking news. Time to watch Jon & Kate Plus 8...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. My Brother is Engaged
"Pistol Pete" popped the question to his girlfriend Brooke upon her return from a Dominican vacation. I'd like to congratulate them on this event in their life and wish them all the best now and in the future. No date is set as of yet.

2. My Brother and I Aren't Close
It sucks when you learn about your brother's engagement via a mass email. Sucks isn't the right word; hurts is the word. Realizing that you're no longer important enough to warrant a personal email, yet alone a phone call, from the person you idolized until you were twelve hurts.

3. Michael Musto Cares About His Readers
After penning my Musto on Lohan on Marilyn piece earlier in the week, I sent a quick email and link to the Village Voice columnist, just because. Saturday morning I read an email from Musto, thanking me for my message and piece and sharing a couple of laughs over the "bimbettes" of the world. Michael Musto is good people!

4. Still Waiting
Conversely, Kevin Smith has never once replied to anything I have sent him. Nor has Jayson Stark, the ESPN Baseball writer who agreed to an interview with me for Bugs & Cranks during the season last year. He said yes, I emailed questions, he got ghost. Michael Musto wouldn't do a thing like that to his readers...

5. Job Hunting Isn't As Bad As I Remember
I applied for two jobs this week - the one with The Score that I've told you about before and one as a Sports Reporter with the Kitchener Record, a daily newspaper where I went to university. In previous employment searching experiences, it wasn't this prosperous. Normally I don't find anything and get discouraged. This time, I actually think there is a chance that I get a job I enjoy. Imagine that!

6. March is a Busy Month
Somehow, it's March 9th already. My flight back to Ontario is exactly one month away. Zero packing has been done, we've got three weekends booked solid with events and there is that little inconvenience known as work that I still have to attend five days a week until I leave. This could get hectic.

7. There Is An Easy Way Out of Customer Disputes
Use big words. When people want to argue with you about stupid things like $2 Restocking Fees on movies, use the biggest words in your vocabulary when answering them, even if you use them improperly. Most of the customers won't know the difference and if you can do it with an even temper and a straight face, they'll just let it go and be on their way. I had some fun with this one last night...

8. Peter Cetera Was Right
Saying "I'm Sorry" or some variation of such is really, really difficult for a lot of people. I mean, no one likes to admit they were wrong, but if you made a scene, dropped a couple F-bombs on minimum wage employees who were just doing their job and then realized you were the one who had made the error, don't you think you could say, "Listen, sorry about the F-bombs. My mistake" or something like that? At the very least, don't call and tell me you found the movie in question under your couch and then proceed to question why we never reminded you about it not being returned...

9. One Free Jose Reyes Bobblehead Doll Coming My Way
One of the perks of preparing merchandise for rental is five finger discounting some of the little flyers and inserts that are inside. Major League Baseball 2K8 came with a website for the bobblehead in question. I've placed my order and am now accepting offers for this little piece of memorabilia. How much you give me B-Rad?

10. Me and Shopping Are No Longer BFF
I know how incredibly gay that sounds, but at least it is past tense gay... not that there is anything wrong with that. See, I used to be a shopaholic, sending whatever money didn't go towards bills went to buying things. No specific things, just things. We went shopping Friday night for some new clothes for YT and it was somewhat painful. I used to walk in, find what I needed instantly, try it on and roll. Now, I stagger around the store unsure of everything. Even picking out a black tie was a bit of a chore. I guess it's a good thing - saving money and all that - but still, part of me is a little sad...

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Telephones: You Remember Those Don't You?

For the first time in ages, I'm dropping two posts in one day. I hadn't planned on doing so because, well, I'm lazy and one a day seems like enough work to me, but then the phone rang and stupidity provided me with inspiration. Actually, stupidity has been a great source of inspiration from the get-go. Thanks to all the dumb-asses out there. Don't forget your helmets!

Anywho... Sarah is organizing getting grad photos done for the people in her nursing class that are interested and has apparently been emailing with this one studio that shall remain nameless. Not because I'm afraid they'd sue - I'm still penniless - but because it's not important. So the woman on the phone explains that she and Sarah have been emailing back and forth and she was looking to touch base with her when she remarked:

Whatever did we do before we had email, you know, to get in touch with people?

Somehow she was floored when I mentioned this new-fangled invention called the telephone.

Oh, you must be far younger than me because I would never have called.

Uh... what?

It's not like the Internet has been around for centuries and before that we were still sending messages via smoke signals or anything. Had this been 1987 and Sarah been working on the same task, all that would have changed was that her initial contact would have been on the telephone instead of the computer. What is so hard to comprehend about that?

I've never been one who fell for the propaganda that all this technology that we have at our fingertips is slowly making us a more stupid society - I actually think the exact opposite - but this lady is starting to make me want to examine the data myself. Well, her and all the mouth breathers who stroll the aisle of Blockbuster every night looking for the best genetically, altered, killer animal and insect movies.

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The Game

I work every Monday night, which means I'm always putting out the New Release DVDs that come out Tuesday morning. Every week, without fail, there are a handful of Direct to DVD pieces of trash that star either washed up has-beens or fresh-faced never-will-bes. This invariably leads to "The Game."

"The Game" is Calvin - the taller, weed-infused, quieter version of me - and I spending the last two hours of the night trying to figure out just what it takes for someone to go from solid working Hollywood actor to Direct to DVD poster child. Then we forecast who's next to make that transition.

Some guys get automatic passes from the scrutiny of two Lackluster Video employees who fancy themselves aficionados when it comes to what is and isn't a good career choice. Guys like Seagal and Van Damme who were clearly passed their prime sometime around the middle of their prime get to skate. They're too easy. The guys who ride shotgun for them are fair game though...

The crazy thing is how quickly it can turn. Take Wesley Snipes.

Nino Brown was a certified, bankable actor throughout the 90's and not just as an action guy either. Snipes did it all from White Men Can't Jump and Waiting to Exhale to US Marshals and The Fan. Then... poof!

Wesley Snipes has had three decent films in the last ten years. They all involved the word Blade. You have to believe he's lobbying hard for someone to make Blade 4: Still More Vampires. But that's it. Everything else has been total crap. How the hell do you go from sharing top billing with Robert effin' DeNiro to The King of Direct to DVD?

And almost anyone is one or two bad movies away from ending up in a Direct to DVD dumpbin at Lackluster.

Man Crush #7 Benjamin Geza Affleck headlined the flaming pile of turd Gigli, had a couple other duds and then BLAM! Straight to the shelves with Man About Town. Not even ten years before kid was snagging an Oscar and starring in space rock movies with John McLain! (I stole that from Kevin Smith...)

And for those who might say, "Yeah, Affleck won an Oscar but it was for writing. He's never been much of an actor," I'll acquiesce and counter with Cuba Gooding Jr.

Remember in Jerry Maguire how the only commercials Rod Tidwell could get were for some local car dealership sitting on top of a camel? That's what Cuba's career is like now. All he gets are those camel commercials. It's either kid-friendly family fun (Snow Dogs, Rat Race) or total crap that you've never even heard of. Shadowboxer? Dirty? In The Shadows?

Which brings us to our favourite forecastee of late, Jason Statham.

I used to love Jason Statham. Past tense. Loved.

Jason Statham in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Jason Statham as Monk in Mean Machine. Jason Statham as Turkish, underground boxing promoter aligned with Mickey the Pikey in Snatch. Hell, even Handsome Rob was fun.

Then came The Transporter. Fair enough. At some point, I'm guessing most guys have a "I wanna do a flick with a car chase, explosions and a fucking kung-fu sequence" moment. Unfortunately, Jason Statham has been having too many of those moments and is walking a tenuous line right now.

Quality turns in decent dramas like London have slipped through the crack. All everyone remembers is Crank and The Transporter 2. Or the super-hyped super-flop War alongside one-time Asian Sensation Jet Li, who fell victim to another pitfall of the movie business - starring in too many movies alongside rappers or former wrestlers.

His latest stop at the box office in In The Name of the King came and went out of theatres faster than you can say "Two tickets please..."

Reprising his role as Handsome Rob in the upcoming vagina waxing tribute The Brazilian Job (I'm not making this up... that is what it's called...) is a smart move as Marky Mark equals box office bucks, but it could be too late.

Death Race, Crank 2 and The Bank Job might seal his fate before we even get there.

Or maybe this week has already done it.

Filmed in 2005, Direct to DVD in 2008.

Chaos starring Wesley Snipes... and Jason Statham.

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Worth The Wait

A week has passed since the rest of Canada could scoop up Passion Magazine which means it has finally landed on the shores of dear, old Newfoundland. As you would expect, hitting Chapters was the lone objective of the day.

Thirty minutes after I dragged my lazy hindquarters out of bed, I was standing in Chapters, sucking back a Venti Cinnamon Dolce Latte, leafing through the January / February 2008 Issue of Passion Magazine.

I gotta say - it was worth the wait.

My piece is one of the five mentioned on the cover, adjacent to Natasha Bedingfield's hair-covered forehead and the Sarah Cole Studios photo me inside looks pretty solid, considering I was sporting a pair of basketball shorts on the lower half and the black backdrop is actually a blanket on our futon affectionately known as "The Stinky"...

Piece looks great - like the layout of the "Ready for a Rebound" section and the pictures Chris & Hammer secured are perfect.

Even more surprising is that I already one piece for the next ish written and ready for review - a profile on my man Jeff Woodrow and his incredible business venture The Joy T-Shirt Project. Check it out now and read about it in two months time...

Coincidentally, I put in my notice at The Block on The Rock yesterday, as I'll be heading into London a little early to set up shop and get established and am looking to this latest article as a jump-off point for turning my writing from a hobby that makes a little change on the side to the full-time job that makes a little change on the side.

Irons are in the fire and you're all in the loop. When something happens, you'll know about it.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Apparently the Weekend is for Feeling like Crap
All week I felt like a million bucks and that was with getting up insanely early Monday and Tuesday. Went to work, did some writing, hung out with Sarah, all without so much as a sniffle or upset stomach. The weekend rolls around and WHAM! I feel like ass. Second day in a row I've had some gastrointestinal issues to deal with, which is confusing because it's not like I'm eating any worse.

2. Not Only Will I Be in the Next Issue of Passion...
But I got a raise too! The piece that is set to hit news stands on Tuesday marks my biggest professional payday to date and has given me a jolt of renewed confidence and energy in pursuing my writing career. Like my brother Pete said yesterday, "You've got to do what you're passionate about, but it's awful nice when someone wants to pay you for it too!"

3. Spencer's Fantasy
Fantasy Baseball that is. Sick bastards, thinking I was going to get into the sordid details of what goes through my dirty little mind... Anywho, the B&C Crew have put together a fantasy league over at CBS SportLine and I'm one of the twelve taking part. For the first time in my Fantasy career, there is money on the line. Winner nets $140. Having bragging rights for an entire off season is going to be great, but having a $140 bucks in my pocket to go with it is going to be even better.

4. I Need to be Back in Ontario
If for no other reason than to be able to be at the birthday celebrations of little Emily Grace. My brother's daughter really is the cutest kid in the world and the pictures from her birthday party are adorable. They also make me miss home a lot. I miss you Gracie Lou!

5. For the Record, I'll Be Back in May Sometime
It's seem that either (a) I just think I've told people about our triumphant return or (b) they've all forgotten about me telling them about our triumphant return, so here we go, one more time: Sarah and I are heading back to Ontario sometime in May. We're setting up HQ in London until September and then from there, who knows? The only definite is that we're both taking September 100% off to go to Vancouver and have a relax before Sarah joins the workforce full-time. There, now you know.

6. Everyone Has an Excuse
D'you know what's amazing? How everyone who sets foot into Blockbuster and has any charges on their account has some kind of story as to why they shouldn't have to pay the charges. Here's a novel idea, you don't want to pay any charges, bring back the goddamn movies! It doesn't matter if you work odd hours, rented the movie to show to disadvantaged youth or left the movie in your car that sat in the pound following an accident. You had it for a longer time than can be reasonably expected and now you owe us some money. Cough it up. I don't want to hear your sob stories anymore.

7. The Irony of the Above
It's $2.00. Actually, since January 1st, it's $1.98. It's less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks. How can you come in and want to fight tooth and nail about two goddamn dollars? Jesus...

8. Professional Developments
So, on top of catching my first feature in Passion, they've also stuck a pic and bio of me in the Contributors page, but I told you that last week. On top of that, I've also been encouraged by my recent conversations with Rotowire.com, a fantasy site in search for fantasy geeks with writing abilities and we all know I fit the bill. Thanks to my man Herija Green for the advice. There is also a little talk of building a personal website, but that too is only in the discussion stages. As with everything, I'll keep you posted.

9. Baseball Season is Approaching Fast
And I couldn't be more excited. Pitchers and catchers report later this week, which means baseball will be in full swing in no time, horrible pun very much intended. I've started breaking down the Jays position by position over at Bugs and will end it off with an overall prediction about the Jays chances this year. We'll also break out a couple staff prediction pieces I'm sure, so make sure you check it out on the regular from here on out.

10. I Don't Hate Boston Nearly as Much
Earlier in the year, I dropped a bomb on Boston and their success in the sports world. Now, KG is on the shelf for the Celtics and the Pats took their first lost of the season on the greatest stage of them all. The Red Sox are still the champs, but hey, at least it's the start of a new season and everyone has the same record... for now.

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