Closing in on Smashy Smashy

I make my living on the computer. Well, you know what I mean. I try to.

So, when the computer isn't working, I tend to get a bit irritated.

Down for the afternoon? Not so bad.

Down for a day? Getting grumpy.

But when the effing thing won't connect to the goddamn Internet for three days and no one seems to have any answers for me, we get dangerously close to my computer looking like the one in the picture above.

Except...

It's not the computer. I know that because I spent an hour disconnecting the stupid thing and lugging it into the store for someone to check it.

When you surf the 'net as much as I do, there is always the worry that some site I've stopped at gave me the computer equivalent of HIV.

But that's not the case; had it been, when buddy at the store hook it up to his network, there would have been all kinds of bells and whistles going off and telling him to get out as fast as he can.

Instead, I've played phone tag with the folks that run the joint up here and should have the same guy who handles the yard work in the Spring here to help me with my computer situation sometime in the next 10 minutes or so.

Which leads me to my big question of the day: How do you build a beautiful new complex like this and fuck up something as basic and essential as Internet service?

I know people come here to ski mostly, but some of us just don't like the slopes... or the outdoors in general, for that matter.

Continue reading ...

Being Hot Doesn't Mean You Can Act

Two things I most certainly am: a confessed comic book geek and a huge movie nerd.

With those things in mind, I draw your attention to the comely lass to the right.

For those of you without testicles, meet Megan Fox. The boys all know who she is, trust me.

The star of Transformers - outside of Shia LeBeouf and those robots - who used to be engaged to "David Silver from 90210" is being talked up all over the interwebs as the actress that fans would most like to see play Catwoman should she emerge in the next installment of Chris Nolan's Batman.

This is what happens when comic book geeks who have never seen a naked woman outside of a strip joint or porn flick insert their ultimate fantasy into the fantasy world they love the most.

Is Megan Fox aptly named? Absolutely - she's undoubtedly a complete knockout. An Angelina Jolie wannabe, but a knockout nonetheless.

Can she act? NO!

Think of the lineage of Catwoman on the silver screen. You want to follow up Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry with Megan Fox? Even though Berry's Catwoman was a horrible film, there is no questioning her talent or that of Pfeiffer. How could you want to follow those talented ladies up with some non-acting hottie du jour?

You know who looks good in lycra and can act too? Kate Beckinsale. Hello Underworld! Plus, she's age appropriate and I don't mean that in a "suitable for children" way.

Christian Bale's Bruce Wayne / Batman is a much better match with Beckinsale than Fox, just as Maggie Gyllenhall as Rachel Dawes worked far better than Joey Potter.

Should Catwoman become a reality in an upcoming installment of the outstanding Batman franchise, I hope to the Comic Book gods that Hollywood goes with some actual talent and not Megan Fox or any other hard-on enducing wet dream of basement dwelling fanboys.

Continue reading ...

Back to Ontario and The Dark Ages

Goddamn today has been a long day. It's 4:30 in my world, but only 3:00 here in Cambridge, Ontario and the little library that could around the corner from Faye's place where I'll be holed up for the next day or two having a visit and detoxing from Newfoundland...

As nice as it is to be back in Ontario, shacking up at Faye's is like a trip back to The Dark Ages. I feel like Harrison Ford in Witness when he hides out in Amish country, except there is no barn-raising scene and I'm no John Book.

What does all that mean? It's means my mother lives in the goddamn Stone Age, sans TV save for two, sometimes three fuzzy channels on her 12" rotary dial television and devoid of the Internet. How in the world can someone survive in today's day and age without Internet access?

Which brings me to the little library around the corner and the timer counting down from 20 minutes in the top right corner of my screen, an indication of the amount of time I have left on my guest pass to accessing the Internet. Seriously, this is what it comes to for the next couple days. Your favourite blogging smart-ass tripping around the corner to write in twenty minute installments, so long as one of the six computers are free.

Nothing personal against my mom, but I think it goes without saying that I'm eager to relocate to London and as much Internet as my heart desires.

* * * * * * * * * *

I hate flying. I only figured this out today.

It's not the actual process that I hate, but more the lack of comfort a gentlemen of my, how shall I put this - carriage - can achieve cramped into the window seat while the complaining airhead in front of me insists on having her seat as far away from the upright position as possible.

Couple that with a 6 am departure, only pay-per-view movies and the $3 charge for headphones that I was certainly not going to pay (yes, I'm that cheap) and it makes for a long 2 hours in the friendly skies between St. John's and Toronto.

* * * * * * * * * *

Sarah's flight got delayed, so I spent most of the morning wondering if she had made it out of the St. John's Airport or not.

She called a couple hours ago and has arrived in Goose Bay for the night before shuttling off to Hopedale and her community of 600 people for the next 26 days. No, I'm not counting at all.

I miss you Baby Girl... glad you're okay!

* * * * * * * * * *

No regular access = No photos. Sorry for the lack of visual stimulation...

Continue reading ...

Telephones: You Remember Those Don't You?

For the first time in ages, I'm dropping two posts in one day. I hadn't planned on doing so because, well, I'm lazy and one a day seems like enough work to me, but then the phone rang and stupidity provided me with inspiration. Actually, stupidity has been a great source of inspiration from the get-go. Thanks to all the dumb-asses out there. Don't forget your helmets!

Anywho... Sarah is organizing getting grad photos done for the people in her nursing class that are interested and has apparently been emailing with this one studio that shall remain nameless. Not because I'm afraid they'd sue - I'm still penniless - but because it's not important. So the woman on the phone explains that she and Sarah have been emailing back and forth and she was looking to touch base with her when she remarked:

Whatever did we do before we had email, you know, to get in touch with people?

Somehow she was floored when I mentioned this new-fangled invention called the telephone.

Oh, you must be far younger than me because I would never have called.

Uh... what?

It's not like the Internet has been around for centuries and before that we were still sending messages via smoke signals or anything. Had this been 1987 and Sarah been working on the same task, all that would have changed was that her initial contact would have been on the telephone instead of the computer. What is so hard to comprehend about that?

I've never been one who fell for the propaganda that all this technology that we have at our fingertips is slowly making us a more stupid society - I actually think the exact opposite - but this lady is starting to make me want to examine the data myself. Well, her and all the mouth breathers who stroll the aisle of Blockbuster every night looking for the best genetically, altered, killer animal and insect movies.

Continue reading ...

Things I Learned This Week

1. We Should Start a Moving Company

Aside from one car load that came in during the day Wednesday, Sarah and I managed to move all of our worldly possessions from The Cove into town and have the truck returned to U-Haul in the span of 4 1/2 hours. Granted, we packed most of the stuff the previous couple of days, but that is what all smart movers do, so this really was a pretty outstanding feat if I do say so myself. Probably doesn't hurt that this new place is the 30th address of my life...

2. Nothing is Open Christmas Eve

Even in the Halifax Airport. You would think that since travellers are stuck flying in and out of this place - or any other airport for that matter - that the shops inside the building would stay open to accomodate them. You would think, wouldn't you... Not how it works though. Everything shut down at 5:30 pm, which meant we had three hours to kill with zero opportunity for food, drink or even the mind-numbing entertainment of a television. Good thing we both know how to read.

3. Boxing Day is the Same

Where I come from, Boxing Day is the busiest shopping day of the year. People get out to the mall as soon as the sun comes up and it's an absolute madhouse. Here in NFLD, nothing is open. You know, other than Blockbuster. No mall, no grocery stores, no liquor stores, nada. I really don't understand this province at all.

4. Not Having a Car is Weird

I've had my own car for five years and access to one for the last fourteen. Being without one right now is the strangest thing. Simple tasks become more complex. Groceries involves an extra ten bucks because we have to take a cab home. There are no quick trips up to Starbucks. Everything takes longer. This is going to be a weird four months.

5. I Know Nothing of Magazine Deadlines

Or, I don't understand them as of yet. When we hit Ontario, the good folks at Passion let me know that they needed my pieces submitted by the 20th so that they could prep them during the Christmas Week. To me, that would mean that during this week some time, I would get an email with the revisions that need to be made. Still nothing. Maybe it'll come in the next day or so, but either way, it's been ten days since I sent it in and I've gotten nothing back. Doesn't that mean I could have waited a couple extra days to turn things in?

6. This Apartment... Pretty Sweet

We liked it the minute we saw it, but now that we're in and setup and living here, we like it even more. It's cute, what with the slanty cupboards in the kitchen and all the natural light that comes in from the big window in the living room. Plus, our stuff just seems to fit in here perfectly, from the new futon to the side-by-side computer, things just work.

7. The Non-Smoking / Tattoo Plan

Since I am Mr. Addictive Personality - from everything to feeding my writing jones to the wicked nic-sticks - I've figured out that since I'm parting ways with cigarettes, I need something else in place to fill that void. The answer? MORE INK! Once a week, I'll toss the ten bucks I would have dropped on that weeks pack of darts into a jar and a couple months from now there will be more artistic impressions permanently etched on into my skin. And yes, I am already thinking of what to get.

8. There are Some Real Dumb People Out There

Okay, so this isn't really a this week revelation, but it's maybe more of an affirmation. I must have fielded four hundred calls this week at work that went like this:

Spencer - Thank you for calling Blockbuster, now trading DVDs and Games, Spencer speaking.

Person - Are you guys open today?

Seriously? Honestly? If we weren't open would anyone be answering the phone? C'mon people, think a little...

9. I'm Lost Without The Internet

As I told you yesterday, it had been too long between the times I logged onto these here Interwebs. The truth is, I can go without TV for days - I really don't care - but not being able to log on and check the four hundred and seventy eight sites and emails and blogs that I like to get at every day is brutal. Tomorrow is my day off and the only thing I care about finding is a bunch of Internet cable to connect my computer to the router so that I can get back onto the 'net via the Super Computer. Then and only then will this move be complete.

10. I Hate The New England Area

Yeah, you read that right Dan Tobin and Jesse Pugh - I HATE YOUR STOMPING GROUNDS! The Red Sox won the World Series, the Celtics are making me look like a total jackass courtesy of the best record in the NBA and last night the Patriots finished off their perfect regular season. Right now, there is a strong possibility that the three major sports championships will reside in New England in the very near future and that blows! Good thing the Bruins still suck...

Continue reading ...