Closing in on Smashy Smashy

I make my living on the computer. Well, you know what I mean. I try to.

So, when the computer isn't working, I tend to get a bit irritated.

Down for the afternoon? Not so bad.

Down for a day? Getting grumpy.

But when the effing thing won't connect to the goddamn Internet for three days and no one seems to have any answers for me, we get dangerously close to my computer looking like the one in the picture above.

Except...

It's not the computer. I know that because I spent an hour disconnecting the stupid thing and lugging it into the store for someone to check it.

When you surf the 'net as much as I do, there is always the worry that some site I've stopped at gave me the computer equivalent of HIV.

But that's not the case; had it been, when buddy at the store hook it up to his network, there would have been all kinds of bells and whistles going off and telling him to get out as fast as he can.

Instead, I've played phone tag with the folks that run the joint up here and should have the same guy who handles the yard work in the Spring here to help me with my computer situation sometime in the next 10 minutes or so.

Which leads me to my big question of the day: How do you build a beautiful new complex like this and fuck up something as basic and essential as Internet service?

I know people come here to ski mostly, but some of us just don't like the slopes... or the outdoors in general, for that matter.

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When Did Customer Service Become a Bad Thing?

Over the last couple weeks, my experiences as a customer have been horrible. Not everywhere, mind you, because it's hard for the grocery store to make your experience miserable, but for the most part, it's been bad.

By now you all know the Marlin Travel situation. For those who don't, the Cliff Notes:

Four months of planning went out the window because our original agent couldn't get things done quick enough and without errors. Then the new agent came on, got things organized and ready to roll only to have the carrier pull out three months before our wedding.

Now, some eight months after we started the process, we finally received confirmation that all the rooms are booked and we are in fact getting married when and where we wanted. Of course, there are still hiccups like getting two different quotes for deposits, having three people giving us three different answers and all the while we're the ones being made to feel like assholes for caring so much about our wedding.

Super!

Experience #2 comes in the form of one of my favorite TV channels, The Score, who owe me a prize pack from back in October.

Long story short, I answered a multiple choice question on one of their shows, was proclaimed the winner of a prize and have yet to receive anything.

I've called, emailed repeatedly and called again.

Last week, someone finally emailed me back saying they'd look into it.

Today, I emailed her back again asking if she was planning to look into things any time soon.

What kind of response did I get?

First, I had to detail when and how I won, which I did since I have a sick memory for thing like that.

Secondly, once she did confirm my winning, I was asked for a mailing address where my prize could be sent. Being as I live in a tiny-ass town without home delivery of the mail, I gave my PO Box.

That wasn't good enough. I actually received an email that said, "We can't send prizes to PO Boxes."

Well that's all I have, so unless you're FedEx'ing it to my front door...

(That is exactly what I said in my email too!)

Now, I'm in the service industry and have been for years. If at any point along the way I was to make my customers experiences as annoying and challenging as these two organizations have made things for me, I would have been back in the Unemployment Line.

Maybe I'm an anomaly. Or maybe these people absolutely suck at their jobs and should get out of the Customer Service business.

With the warm, glowing personalities they have, a career in mortuary science would be a perfect fit since they all seem to hate living, breathing humans.

* * * * * * * * * *

Note: I understand the irony of posting a second piece on the same day as I wrote a "things will be becoming more sporadic around here" post. This is what happens when I get down to work early in the day and don't sit on the couch playing Fight Night or watching Food TV.

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Discovering a New Species

I'm no anthropologist, but I do believe I discovered a new species while at work yesterday:

Cheapis Bastardus Voucherificus.

Commonly known as Cheap Bastards that use Vouchers when paying for their bills, they are only seen in a restaurant setting and strongly resemble regular people until it becomes time to settle their bills.

At this point, they produce a small ticket that entitles them to $13.00 worth of food where no remaining funds are able to be transferred to the individual looking after them.

The strongest of the pack is notorious for ordering nearly twice as much food as the small ticket covers and leaving without covering the cost of the rest of the bill, leaving the poor, defenseless server to incur a loss.

Incidentally, their actions are not limited to food, as they tend to behave in a similar fashion when they are simply enjoying liquid refreshment as well.

Instead of ingesting nourishment along with the rest of the pack in the middle of the day, some of the Cheapis Bastardus Voucherifici choose to wait until later in the day and use the little ticket for beverages only, something that isn't technically allowed, but whatareyougonnado?

Most impressive is watching the pack disband, as members of the collective slowly make their way to their own dwellings, offering to cover just a small segment of the pack's intake and leaving no extra reward for the individual who has been shouted at repeatedly for more refreshments.

Finally, when the last of the group is set to leave, they are forced to put out more monies than originally anticipated because their fellow Cheapis Bastardus Voucherifici have left them more than they bargained for, the only moment of pleasure for the uniformed individual who has spent the afternoon as their humble servant.

And still, not a penny extra is left.

Let this be a warning to all you in the service industry:

Be on the lookout for a pack of CBV in your establishment and avoid them at all costs.

Interaction with this species will leave you tired, frustrated and questioning whether you want to remain in your current vocation.

* * * * * * * *

Seven hours worked, $1100 in sales, $70 bucks made... including the $30 left to me by a table of Yuppies from New York...

Stupid Cheap Bastards!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. We're Not Meant to Have a Car
Or at least, not a used car. Why? One, we're not smart enough to remember to turn off the lights, meaning the battery gets drained and we need a boost about once a month. Two, the three times we've called for a boost from CAA, we have jumper cables in the back all along. Looking would have been too easy. Three, we blew a tire Thursday night heading to Midland. That means that every time we've gone somewhere meaningful in the two months we've had this car, something has happened. It's just not worth the hassle. Oh yeah - that exhaust issue from our trip to Beamsville? $360.00. AWESOME!

2. E. Spencer Kyte, Tire Changer
Sarah didn't think I could do it. I didn't have any doubts in my mind. Never underestimate the power and skills of an angry-as-fuck smokaholic who is forced to change a tire on the side of the 400 Extension at 11PM. A few thousand curse words, a little elbow grease and a we had that tire off and changed in no time.

3. Best Wonderland Day Ever!
Thursday at the theme park was wicked. It ended up being a bright, sunny afternoon, we rode every single ride, literally, and had a killer time. Behemoth was as advertised - there is something really weird about slowly climbing up a hill at an obtuse angle that makes your heart race and your bum-hole pucker... and then you drop. Highlight of the day: My girth helping me win the Crazy Carpet Waterslide Race... I knew being chubby would come in handy one of these days!

4. Cool Hand Luke: Indestructible Dog
Luke spent the afternoon in the Kennel at Wonderland - a cool setup where you pay $6, can visit all you want and we're not forced to risk leaving him at home for 13 hours. He was on the second tier of the kennels and he was so excited when we went to pick him up at the end of the day that he didn't wait for us to grab him and place him on the floor. He jumped. Head first. Into the concrete floor. Man it was a loud thud. Luke, he bounced right up and continued being super excited as if nothing had happened. My dog is invincible.

5. Shaved Head + No Sunscreen = OUCH!
The funny thing is that I covered every other part of my body with SPF 167 so that my pasty white skin would stay pasty white. Do you think I considered running a layer of sun-blocking goodness over my freshly shaved cranium? Of course not. Now it's bright pink. And a little sore. I'm a genius.

6. I'm Not Big on Fireworks
More correctly, I'm not big on large, assembled masses of mouth-breathers collected together in a small area oohing and aahing over colourful explosions in the air, which is what I got the joy of experiencing Tuesday night for Canada Day. Adding to the misery were the geniuses who tried telling people not to stand in certain areas as they could not see - it was a giant parking lot... not reserved seating - and the dueling idiots who (a) try to back the car out amidst all the crowd and (b) the young people who feel the need to antagonize the driver even more by cursing at him, giving him the finger and standing in front of his car. Needless to say, I won't be in attendance next year.

7. My Brother-in-Law is Aces
I finally met Tim on Thursday and while we've only spent one day together, I can say without question that I will have an awesome Brother-in-Law come next April. Besides our shared interest in Guinness and soccer, our personalities work well together and our sense of humour is about the same. While it sucks that I could only spend one day with him on this trip, I'm really looking forward to getting out to Vancouver in September to hang out some more. Then we'll work on convincing him to move to Ontario...

8. Rampage versus Forrest - Can't Wait for the Rematch!
The Main Event of last night's UFC 86 card was better than advertised. These two dudes - both of whom I would put in my Top 5 fighters - went at it for five five minute rounds with Forrest Griffin coming out the new champ. Both landed some wicked blows and a rematch is an absolute must. Other than Josh Koscheck slipping loads of Chris Lytle's blood all over the Octagon was the other highlight.

9. Is It Just Me...
When I do business, I tend to be extremely diligent in my dealings with other people. If they email me, I email them back almost immediately. No one likes being left in a lurch. This week, I've been left hanging a couple times and I have to say that it drives me insane. Here is the problem - I've fulfilled my end of the arrangement but now I'm at the mercy of someone else and that, as we know, isn't a position I like to be in. As I've asked before, is it really that hard to send someone an email?

10. Operation: 185 Starts Tomorrow
Currently, I would be victorious if I was beginning Operation: 204 tomorrow, but I'm not. That means I have 19 pounds to drop to get to my ideal weight. My plan? It all starts with eating properly - not dieting, just eating properly - including all kinds of fruits and vegetables. Step Two is that MMA Training book I mentioned yesterday. Daily workouts, never skipped, no matter. Step Three is sleep. A lot can be said about the benefits of a regular sleep pattern, including how valuable it is to weight loss and better overall health. The best part of all is that I won't be alone in this effort, which is a big plus for anyone trying to get in better shape. Sarah's on board as well - not for the MMA workouts, but everything else. I'll keep you posted here in the 10 Spot from week to week. Wish me luck...

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Business 101

Just a quickie to see if I'm totally insane or whether my business sense is as good as I've always thought it was.

You hire a new guy that you don't necessarily want to bring on board but someone tells you you have to, so you do but your frustration with having to do so is pretty obvious.

Then, the day that you arrange to come in and meet him, you no show because something else came up, making him feel even more welcomed.

Finally, the day before he's supposed to work his first shift, you give him a call to see if he can come to where you are and pick up keys to open the store the next day. By himself. When you still haven't met him. And he has no idea where anything in the store is. Or who anyone is. Or say, I dunno, the code for the safe and the alarm maybe?

Is it just me or is that a really, really bad business strategy?

Please send any interesting job opportunties to spencerkyte@hotmail.com.

Thank you.

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And The Winner Is...

Who cares!

Music's version of the Academy Awards were handed out last night at the 50th Grammy Awards Ceremony and scrolling through the list of winners this morning, the same thought that strikes me every year slammed into the front of my brain.

All these shows are pointless. They don't reward the actual best of the past year; they hand out little statues to a combination of old standard winners and the odd complete upset. Only when there is absolutely no way to avoid giving the award to the logical and deserving choice, like the year OutKast won for Record of the Year, do we see the rightful winners walk up the steps to make an acceptance speech.

Yes, this is my Kanye Moment, in part because, as per usual, Kanye didn't get his moment last night.

The Record of the Year category has me a little torn, because on one hand, my man Mark Ronson produced Amy Winehouse's winning track "Rehab," but on the other, I really don't think it was Record of the Year. It was a great track, but how does anything besides Rihanna's ridiculously infectious, played every 47 seconds, Summer Jam of the last Seven Summers "Umbrella" take home this award?

Remember a few years back, right after Ray Charles passed, he won like 300 Grammy's? Yeah, they have a way of paying tribute to people once they've died or, as was the case this year, whenever someone puts together a tribute album to them.

Herbie Hancock's River: The Joni Letters, a tribute to Canadian folkie Joni Mitchell snagged Album of the Year. Can anyone between ages 16-35 name two Joni Mitchell songs? Did this album even chart this year? I know it's not about popularity and sales figures, but seriously. This album was better than The Foo Fighters latest disc, Winehouse's Back in Black and Kanye's Graduation? Please...

To prove I'm not a complete homer who only thinks his faves got robbed, there is no way on Earth that Man Crush #6 Justin Timberlake deserved to take home the award for Best Dance Recording. Is "LoveStoned/I Think That She Knows" a great record? Of course it is, but it doesn't hold a flame to any of the other actual dance recordings nominated in the category. "D.A.N.C.E." by Justice deserved this award easily.

Old standby Bruce Springsteen netted a handful of awards last night too, including Best Rock Song for "Radio Nowhere" in a category where he beat out "Icky Thump" by The White Stripes, "It's Not Over" by Daughtry and "The Pretender" by The Foos. I'm not saying Bruce doesn't deliver good music, but really, Best Rock Song? Is it even rock in the first place?

All in all, the song remains the same with the Grammy's. They have become utterly pointless to pay attention to and even less useful to watch, as the telecast consists of 287 performances by 281 artists you have never heard of and three trophies being handed out to undeserving recipients. Hopefully, the Oscars don't let me down come the end of the month.

Oh yeah, one more thing...

"Only playa that was robbed and kept all his jewelry"
Kanye West, "Diamonds From Sierra Leone" from the album Late Registration

It done happened again Kanye... it done happened again...

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The Rundown: Listen Up Hollywood!

To say this week has been a bit tense here would be like saying the Patriots are decent...

With that in mind, it's time to lighten things up a helluva lot with a Rundown inspired by Slapshot 2, American Pie Presents: (Insert College-ish Name Here) and anything that begins with National Lampoon's Presents, except for Van Wilder.

Top Five Worst Film Ideas

5. Sequels to Mediocre Movies, Starring a Totally Different Cast
The Prince & Me was cute. Save the Last Dance was predictable, but sweet. Julia Stiles was in both. The Prince & Me 2 was crap, as was Save the Last Dance 2. Julia Stiles was in neither. Moral of the story? When you're doing a sequel to a marginally good movie and the stars don't want to reprise their lead roles, reconsider, unless you're big on Direct to DVD. Did you even know they made a Butterfly Effect 2? I'm already a little sick to my stomach that there is a Step Up 2 coming. Why Hollywood, why? Leave well enough alone, I beg you...

4. Compilation Parodies
Scary Movie was funny. Scary Movie 2 through 47 sucked balls, as did Epic Movie, Date Movie and I'm damn sure that the soon to be released to The Comebacks is going to suck balls too. The reason? A movie that is 97 minutes of making fun of stereotypical elements of other movies isn't funny to begin with and it's really not funny when some jackass industry executive lets these same band of idiots - the non-Wayans Brothers unfunny guys who wrote Scary Movie - do it over and over and over again. If you want to see it done well, go get Hot Shots. Now that was funny.

3. Actiony Horror Flicks Starring That Guy From Starship Troopers and Giant Insects
Actually, any movie involving Patrick Muldoon is a bad idea. The guy is pure poison. Pairing that guy with genetically enhanced killer spiders - I'm not making this shit up - that attack a ski team training for the Olympics at Forbidden Mountain -seriously, this is the plot - is called Ice Spiders and you can get your copy tonight at Blockbuster Video! While there, also grab Kaw, featuring deadly crows and Sean Patrick Flannery or Black Sheep with the ravenous herds of killer sheep. Seriously, who the fuck sits at home and thinks this is a good idea for a movie? Better yet, who agrees with that douchebag and gives him the money to make it?

2. "Grappling Gang"*
Guy #1: It's a group of guys who get together and wrestle in rundown warehouse to take out their frustrations with everyday life.
Guy #2: Sounds a lot like Fight Club.
Guy #1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is way different. For one, it's about grappling, not fighting. Second, no one you've ever heard of is going to be in it. Third, it doesn't have any of the social commentary or outstanding dark humour of Fight Club.
Guy #2: So it's basically sweaty, shirtless guys "grappling"? No real story or plot or point?
Guy #1: You got it!
Guy #2: Sounds a lot like gay porn... Not that there's anything wrong with that per se...

* This one applies across all genres too. Imitation may be the finest form of flattery, but it sucks ass on celluloid...Please stop it immediately!

1. We Haven't Done a (Insert Title Character Here) Flick in a While
There is a reason for that - No one wants to see them anymore. We thought you knew that.

If we wanted to see another Die Hard, we would have been all over you for one after With a Vengeance. We weren't though, were we? It's because no one believes 55 year old John McLain is still able to kick that much ass.

Who gave the go ahead on Mr. Bean's Holiday? There wasn't ever anything funny about a mute who makes stupid faces for 90 minutes in the first place, so why would that be any different now?

Thanks for fucking up Superman too, because we really needed to bring back the Man of Steel so you could have The Crippled Guy from Usual Suspects play Lex Luther and some new talentless pretty boy pour himself into a unitard. Weren't you paying attention when Smallville went off the air? The general public is done with all things Superman.

And while I'm at it - Rambo? Are you fucking kidding me? He's 97! Rocky Balboa wasn't enough for you? You know Sly is just going to be like, "Eh, uh, I should redo all my movies. Somebody uh call Wesley Snipes and Sandy Bullock and see if dey wanna do Demolition Man again." Sad thing is, somebody in Hollywood would make that movie.

Since we're riffing on movies...

Bonus Additional Bad Idea!

Comic Book / Video Game Movies by Non-Comic Book / Video Game People
Listen, if the guy writing or directing the piece doesn't have a huge hard-on for the comic/game they are adapting, stop. You're just going to fuck it up and piss off a whole lot of people. Plus, someone who does get a massive stiffy for this shit would probably do a really good job. Sadly, this isn't always 100% accurate, as the same guy - Mark Steven Johnson, a big time comic book geek - fucked up great titles like Daredevil and Ghost Rider.

D'you know why I love movies so much though? Because even with naming all this garbage, there are still thousands - literally thousands - of movies that are outstanding that you can watch. That's awesome...

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Good People, Bad Business

Things on the writing front aren't always as wonderful as they may seem, if it ever seems wonderful to you out there. Sure, I get to sit around in my housecoat looking at the Internet all day and call it research, but that doesn't mean I don't have other shit to do too...

Believe it or not, I don't sit around the house waiting for the people I am working with to call. I'm more of a schedule guy, so if we don't have plans in advance, I'm out, especially when I remain underemployed at Blockbuster with only two days off a week. Time is precious and I'm not at anyone's beck and call... except maybe Sarah's.

So this rant really goes in two different directions.

The first is that if you want to work on something, you have to be willing to put in the time. Deciding the day of that you want to get together just doesn't cut it. Like I said, I'm a schedule type of dude. If I don't hear from you by Friday, don't expect me to be available on Saturday, that's just how it goes.

As much as this is my passion and what I want to do, it is also a business for me and time is therefore a very valuable commodity, especially when the work is pro bono. Not that I expect everyone to shell out for my mediocre services, but understand that the time I spend working on one project takes away from the time available for others. Since the others are the paying gigs, there needs to be a great amount of commitment and dedication to the project.

Yes, we all have lives full of things that are far more important than sitting down and writing, but if it's something you want to do and every time we talk you want to discuss the urgency of getting it done, call me mid-week and make concrete plans. That is the only way the work will ever get done.

Avenue Two is home to two men for me - former Toronto Raptor and current Houston Rocket Mike James and ESPN Senior Baseball Writer Jayson Stark. I know - look at me name dropping...deal!

Anyhow, their stories are very similar. Both are people that at one point or another I got in touch with about conducting an interview and both were quick to say yes and excited about the prospects.

Basically, after agreeing initially, I put in work on coming up with questions, prepping the pieces and getting set to do the actual interview. And then nothing.

A week goes by... nothing.

Another week... nothing, so I send a "Just Checking In" email.

Still nothing.

Eventually, Mike James' agent, whom I had been dealing with all along, just stopped taking my phone calls. Jayson Stark hasn't even been that courteous.

Now both are probably outstanding human beings and I know that they are busy men with busy lives and I'm just some hack with a keyboard in BF, Idaho who wants to interview them, but c'mon:

HOW HARD IS IT TO SEND A "SORRY, BUT I'M GONNA PASS" EMAIL?!

That's all it takes. 37 seconds at a keyboard to tell me that the questions sucked, were too long, you're too busy or you never wanted to do it in the first place and things would be fine. I honestly wouldn't have any problem with that; I too have lots on my plate and no time for interviews... just do things the right way.

Tip your waiter, sign every autograph you can and get back to people if you say you're going to do something with them. It shows class and professionalism and it goes for the Senior Baseball guy at The World Wide Leader and the Shoot-First Point Guard of the Houston Rockets as much as it does for the guy who is just starting out.

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