Kevin Smith Needs to Shift Gears

As a lifelong Kevin Smith fan - or as long as one could conceivably have been a Kevin Smith fan - this one is going to catch some people off guard.

The truth of the matter is that the man who brought us Clerks and Chasing Amy needs to switch gears and fast, because his schtick is getting stale, even to me.

I say this after reading a NY Post story about Smith extolling the virtues of smoking weed frequently, saying "What you want to do is what I did, build a movie empire and, at age 38, smoke it all away."

Yes, there is some sarcasm and humor in there, but after more than a decade built on dick and fart jokes, maybe it's time to grow up Peter Pan.

I've been hopeful for Red State for the last two years despite not being a big horror movie guy. Basically, I'll give anything Smith is creatively involved in (read: wrote, not so much just directed) a chance, especially when it draws inspiration from crazy fundamentalist pastor Fred Phelps.

If you're ever feeling down, check out Phelps' Wikipedia page, laugh at the sheer retardedness of this man and his followers and realize life could be a whole lot worse... you could be Fred Phelps.

Anyway, Red State is no closer to being made now than it was two years ago when Smith first announced the project and while I enjoyed Zack & Miri Make a Porno, let's be honest: it was a fairly lame movie all things considered.

While his earlier works were awesome - brilliant blends of comedy and real life that showed, at least in part, what real friendships and relationships are like - Zack & Miri was a chance to make a movie about making porn and let Mewes walk around naked at times.

Next up, the transplanted Jersey Boy steps behind the camera to direct A Couple of Dicks, a comedic cop caper starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan. Yes, it's as bad as it sounds...

I used to want to fight anyone who said Kevin Smith was a hack and there was nothing remotely entertaining about his films.

While I still think his work to date is pretty solid, it's time for a shift in directions Silent Bob or else I'm going to have to start agreeing with the people who wonder why I like you so much, and I don't want to have to do that.

Snoogens.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. You Can Call Me a Liar If You Like...

But you'd be dead wrong because I ain't smoked since our plane touched down here in BC. Not one dart, not even for my birthday or anything. In fact, I've even turned down smokes while at work this week. Yeah, I'm patting myself on the back again...

2. Slow Doesn't Quite Cover It

I'm pretty sure that we would be okay at work with just one person, that's how quiet things are up this way right now. I'm on days and days are generally quiet this time of year, but having four people on shift to cover four tables over the "Lunch Rush" is pretty silly. That being said, I rocked two hours solo today and finally made a little money.

3. I'm Not The Same Spencer

It's funny how many people imagine that I'm the same alcoholic retard they knew during university even though that was a long time ago now. Lots of people expected me to be going out and getting blackout drunk, even though I know exactly three people in this town.

4. Johnny Domestic is Coming

Slowly but surely, my alter ego Johnny Domestic is starting to make his mark out here. Vacuuming, dishes, laundry, dog-walking - I do it all. And let us not forget cooking because that's actually where I'm at my best. Two years from now, Johnny Domestic will have taken over...

5. Zack & Miri

Rolled into Cranbrook last night to catch Kevin Smith's latest and were not disappointed. Without spoiling anything, I'll say there were a bunch of laughs and Craig Robinson needs to be in more movies because he was awesome. So was Tisha Campbell-Martin who used to be Gina on Martin back in the day. Weirdest part of the flick - Jason Mewes. Dude looks so different now that he's off the junk. That and he's pretty close to naked for most of the movie, so that there's that too.

6. Two Days Until History is Made

On Tuesday night, the course of history will forever be changed and I am so excited about it. Barring something insane happening, Barack Obama will win the US Presidential Election and we'll witness the first black President of the United States. Expect something later on in the week about this and why I think it is so important to us as a people and a culture, regardless of where we live.

7. Stuff is Expensive

It's easy to plan and budget for big things, the items you know for sure you're going to need. That part is simple. What you never think about is all those stupid little things that you take for granted because they've just been around forever. That stuff adds up. We've spent more money on little things like that in the last two weeks than we have on furniture, entertainment and dining out combined. Stupid can opener and cheese grater...

8. Two, Maybe Three Days Tops

If everything goes according to Hoyle, the landlord will have all his things out of here by Wednesday night at the latest. That means all the boxes that are piled up in front of the window will get unpacked, the new desk (my new desk) will get assembled and my computer - my precious, precious computer - will be back up and running before the weekend. As much as we're going to look super ghetto for the next little while - what with one futon and a foam mattress on the floor being our only furniture - at least it will all be ours and we can start building.

9. Welcome Back Basketball!

Nice to see the NBA back in business and even nicer to see the Raptors out to a 3-0 start thus far. Chris Bosh is playing like a man possessed out of the gate and I truly believe that a healthy Jermaine O'Neal makes the Raps a legit contender in the East.

10. Withdraw Symptoms

I don't know what I'm going to do. There isn't a Chapters even remotely close to us. There's Starbucks and I wasted a great deal of time there on Monday waiting for Sarah to finish work, but it's no where near the same. The only bookstore I've seen so far is a tiny little Coles in "The Mall" which is better described as a shopping center. Malls have lots of stores that you want to buy things in; the biggest store in this "mall" is Zellers.

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Silent Bob Returns!

I've already mentioned it briefly in 10 Things last Sunday, but the truth is that this flick is in need of a full day's dose of recognition.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno marks the return of Kevin Smith to the big screen for the first time since Clerks 2, at least in the director's chair. While he's dabbled in acting (Catch & Release) and done some television work (Reaper), behind the camera of his own film is where those of us who love him first fell in love.

There are a lot of things about this movie that I am really geared up to see.

First, it's Kevin Smith, so you know there is going to be the smart-assed, sarcastic, off-colour comedy you come to expect from Silent Bob. I mean, lest we forget this is the man who penned the line, "My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks" for his cinematic debut.

Second, Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks sound like a winning combination for me. While I am always worried that the Funny Guy of the Moment is going to crash and burn when we least expect it, I'm leaning more towards a future project being Rogan's shark-jumping experience. And Banks, the book store girl from 40-Year-Old Virgin amongst numerous other things, is absolutely hilarious. I mean, she asks him to rinse her hair with poop water in the trailer.

The third one is a serious fanboy interest.

Zack & Miri marks only the second time that Kevin Smith has gone without his alter ego and pot smoking partner in crime Jay in a movie. While Mewes still has a role, it's as a character more so than the "just play yourself" role of Jay he has become known for. The first time he tried this, 2004's Jersey Girl, Smith was met with not so warm reviews to say the least.

While I still stand by the fact that Jersey Girl isn't as bad as everyone thinks - it's got Carlin in it... how bad can it be? - I'm willing to acknowledge that having a serious success outside of the Jay & Silent Bob is of the utmost important for Smith and his credibility in the industry and with the audience as a whole.

Personally, I think Zack & Miri will be that movie.

He's sticking to what he knows best (comedy), has a solid cast with a bankable lead and a premise that isn't all that unbelievable while still being exceptionally funny. I mean seriously, tell me the thought of getting into porn hasn't crossed your mind once or twice before? They make great money... or have sex with a lot of skanky bitches!

Regardless of whether you've considered porn as a profession or not, if you're a fan of Kevin Smith and his movies, the long wait for his triumphant return is just about over.

If you're not a fan, stop coming here.

(Just kidding... but really, why don't you like him? Fat boy is funny!)

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10 Things I Learned This Week

Well nothing retarded happened this week like helping a guy who tried to kill himself or anything like that, which was a nice change after last week's experience. But it was an interesting week nonetheless, so let's get to it, shall we?

1. Summer is Over
Exactly when did this happen? It's August 31st. This is bullshit. I want a Do Over. I only made it to three Jays games, one fire at Shelby & Mark's, no trips to Midland to go boating and basically spent the whole time working. Ridiculous.

2. Three More Shifts, Then I'm Gone
Close the bar tonight, work a two hour day shift tomorrow and sling some slop Tuesday night and then it's adios Montana's for nearly three weeks, if not for good. Chances are I'll be back before we pack up our things and move somewhere new, but I got screwed on the schedule this week and kind of hate my manager right now for it, so we'll see.

3. BC is Looking More and More Likely
Like I said last week, we'll know more once we've gotten out there and toured around a bit - which we're going to do when we arrive - but every time we talk about the possibility, it seems like the logical choice. Sarah can make more money and I can hook up a job at one of the resorts where I should make enough cash to only need to work 8 months a year, which means four months a year to write... and procrastinate with Luke.

4. Loyalty Doesn't Exist in the Business World
Since starting at Montana's, there hasn't been a time that they've called me to come in that I have turned them down. I've done everything that has ever been asked of me and done so with a smile on my face. So what do I get in return? I lose the closing shift on Mondays that I've been working for two months on the holiday when I could actually make some great cash while the new hire who happens to be someone's little sister and the returning complainer each work a double. Classy Montana's... classy.

5. The Last Good Book I Read
Finished off Bret Hart's book Hitman this week and was fairly impressed. I know wrestling isn't everybody's thing, but it was mine for years, including Hitman's time in the ring and reading the behind the scenes stuff from that time was pretty cool. The family drama from The Hart Family was incredible too. Well done and recommended to anyone who every watched "The Excellence of Execution" operate inside the squared circle.

6. Can't Wait to Watch a Porno
No, not like that you sick fucks! Kevin Smith's latest, Zack and Miri Make a Porno starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. I watched the trailer the other day and nearly pissed myself. The fact that it's Silent Bob's flick would have made me see it regardless, since we all know I have a big ol' crush on him, but after seeing the trailer, I know want to see it twice as bad.

7. New Project, Part I
I started on the first few pages of a book this weekend and it will be taking priority over all other projects moving forward. Like I said earlier in the week, I'm doing too many things and need to start focusing on the ones that could yield some return, although I will still be blogging every day. I don't want to give anything away, but the feedback I've gotten on the idea thus far has all been positive and part of my BC trip will be spent pushing forward with this effort.

8. New Project, Part II
Some one you may have noticed the disappearance of the E. Spencer Kyte Facebook Fan Page this week. Let's be honest - none of you noticed and that's okay. I axed it because, well, it wasn't something I put any time into, but also because me and Newt are working on a little something that will be unveiled to the world soon and will serve the same purpose as the other page and then some.

9. No One Ever Pays Me
Thus far, I've had five articles published in four different magazines for two different publications. The only thing they have in common? I haven't been paid for any of them. The fine folks at FutureCore Media, Passion's Parent Company, refuse to return my messages and Canadian Sports Magazine has come up blank thus far. I'll give them a little more time, but as of now I'm not impressed.

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Update: 198 lbs.
Current Weight: 200 lbs.

It's about time nature took it's course. Considering I haven't done a workout in nearly three weeks (this week got written off too... just because), putting on two pounds isn't all that bad in my books. Not that I don't want to drop the pounds and tone it up real nice for the festivities next April, but there are other things that are taking priority right now. We'll get back at it soon enough...

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Where Have Movies Like This Gone?

Someone needs to answer this for me because after spending the last year working at Blockbuster and watching the good, the bad and the ugly that Hollywood and everywhere else has to offer, setting in with Butch & Sundance last night was the best movie experience I've had in a long time.

I can't believe no one ever mentions this as their favourite movie. It's now officially mine. How could it not be?

Newman and Redford are a perfect match and play off each other better than any tandem we've seen on the screen in a long time. They are what every buddy movie pairing aspires to be and so very few actually capture.

And if that's not enough, this movie has current era tie-ins that should force anyone who claims to like movies to pick it up.

Sundance, as in, the film festival. I wonder where it got it's name?

Mallrats fans, this is where the daunting Mall Cop LaFours - he's got four kills! - comes from, name and white skimmer hat included.

At the end of Hot Fuzz, when they're shooting it out with the bad guys? Butch & Sundance.

Besides, it's two of the best ever running around robbing banks and slinging jokes on screen for two hours. If you've sat through Atonement, then you sure as hell can spend a night with Mr. Parker and Mr. Longbaugh.

And if you don't want to watch the whole thing, do yourself a favour and watch the Knife Fight scene and the scene where they're stuck on a rock ledge, pinned in by LaFors above them and a river below them.

I pissed myself. You will too.

"The future is all yours, ya lousy bicycle!"

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The Rundown: Under the Influence

With moving to a new city again, there have been a number of instances over the last week or so that I have been quizzed about my career choice.

The first question, usually, is how I came to freelance writing, as no one tosses out "freelance writer" during the customary Elementary School "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Sessions. Hell, I couldn't even have answered "freelance writer" myself as recently as a couple years ago.

After that though, one of the most frequently asked questions is about my influences. Somehow, I've gone this long without putting them down here for your knowledge.

Top Five Influences

5. Peter Kyte

As much as we don't see eye to eye on a number of things, my brother was the first person in my life that I saw find his passion and chase after it. From the time he was fourteen, he knew he wanted harness racing to be where he made his career and nothing stood in the way of that. It's been a long and hard road over the years, but he's doing what he loves and is having some success doing it and that is really all that matters.

4. Kevin Smith

Speaking of people who dropped out of school to pursue their craft... Jersey's Own has built an outstanding career that started from thousands of dollars in credit card debts to make a little movie called Clerks. There is just an openness that comes across in Smith's work makes him even more appealing and influential to me. He's just a dude who wanted to make movies with his buddies...

3. Kanye West

Some people dislike Kanye for what they perceive as cockiness. I see it as confidence and an unwavering belief in himself. To me, anyone who wants to be the best at what they do needs that quality and Kanye has it in spades. How could he not? Not that long ago, no one had any interest in Kanye West the rapper. Now, he's one of the top artists in the world and one of my greatest influences.

2. George Stromboulopoulos

If you were around for Rundown #1, this one shouldn't surprise you. Strombo presents the ideal package of what I would like to be as a journalist - intelligence, character and wit with a healthy dose of Pop Culture knowledge thrown in there too. My Canadian idol...

1. Chuck Klosterman

His work is what first made me think a career in writing was a possibility. His Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs was the first book I had come across (courtesy of a Strombo segment on The New Music, incidentally) that combined great writing with the topics that are nearest and dearest to my heart: pop culture, video games, music, movies and self-deprication. I've read it all since then and have even followed him to Esquire over the last couple of years. Homeboy is my hero.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. My Brother is Engaged
"Pistol Pete" popped the question to his girlfriend Brooke upon her return from a Dominican vacation. I'd like to congratulate them on this event in their life and wish them all the best now and in the future. No date is set as of yet.

2. My Brother and I Aren't Close
It sucks when you learn about your brother's engagement via a mass email. Sucks isn't the right word; hurts is the word. Realizing that you're no longer important enough to warrant a personal email, yet alone a phone call, from the person you idolized until you were twelve hurts.

3. Michael Musto Cares About His Readers
After penning my Musto on Lohan on Marilyn piece earlier in the week, I sent a quick email and link to the Village Voice columnist, just because. Saturday morning I read an email from Musto, thanking me for my message and piece and sharing a couple of laughs over the "bimbettes" of the world. Michael Musto is good people!

4. Still Waiting
Conversely, Kevin Smith has never once replied to anything I have sent him. Nor has Jayson Stark, the ESPN Baseball writer who agreed to an interview with me for Bugs & Cranks during the season last year. He said yes, I emailed questions, he got ghost. Michael Musto wouldn't do a thing like that to his readers...

5. Job Hunting Isn't As Bad As I Remember
I applied for two jobs this week - the one with The Score that I've told you about before and one as a Sports Reporter with the Kitchener Record, a daily newspaper where I went to university. In previous employment searching experiences, it wasn't this prosperous. Normally I don't find anything and get discouraged. This time, I actually think there is a chance that I get a job I enjoy. Imagine that!

6. March is a Busy Month
Somehow, it's March 9th already. My flight back to Ontario is exactly one month away. Zero packing has been done, we've got three weekends booked solid with events and there is that little inconvenience known as work that I still have to attend five days a week until I leave. This could get hectic.

7. There Is An Easy Way Out of Customer Disputes
Use big words. When people want to argue with you about stupid things like $2 Restocking Fees on movies, use the biggest words in your vocabulary when answering them, even if you use them improperly. Most of the customers won't know the difference and if you can do it with an even temper and a straight face, they'll just let it go and be on their way. I had some fun with this one last night...

8. Peter Cetera Was Right
Saying "I'm Sorry" or some variation of such is really, really difficult for a lot of people. I mean, no one likes to admit they were wrong, but if you made a scene, dropped a couple F-bombs on minimum wage employees who were just doing their job and then realized you were the one who had made the error, don't you think you could say, "Listen, sorry about the F-bombs. My mistake" or something like that? At the very least, don't call and tell me you found the movie in question under your couch and then proceed to question why we never reminded you about it not being returned...

9. One Free Jose Reyes Bobblehead Doll Coming My Way
One of the perks of preparing merchandise for rental is five finger discounting some of the little flyers and inserts that are inside. Major League Baseball 2K8 came with a website for the bobblehead in question. I've placed my order and am now accepting offers for this little piece of memorabilia. How much you give me B-Rad?

10. Me and Shopping Are No Longer BFF
I know how incredibly gay that sounds, but at least it is past tense gay... not that there is anything wrong with that. See, I used to be a shopaholic, sending whatever money didn't go towards bills went to buying things. No specific things, just things. We went shopping Friday night for some new clothes for YT and it was somewhat painful. I used to walk in, find what I needed instantly, try it on and roll. Now, I stagger around the store unsure of everything. Even picking out a black tie was a bit of a chore. I guess it's a good thing - saving money and all that - but still, part of me is a little sad...

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Choreographer Thursday: Shane Sparks

Psych! Not happening, as much as Chalk and Smash would love to see it.

I am going to see Step Up 2: The Streets tonight with Sarah for Valentine's Day. I'll give you a review on Sunday in 10 Things...

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Today is a day off from The Block which means there is a lot of work to do here at "The Office." In addition to this little musing, I have to get down to business on my next Passion assignment, put together a little something to post over at Bugs and put in some time on a couple little side projects that I've got on the go.

As per usual though, I've started the day by procrastinating like mad. After getting up bright and early with Sarah with the greatest of intentions, the first hour and a half of my day were spent on the couch watching The Score, catching up on the sports news of the day.

Two major questions from yesterday in sports:
1. Who else is sick of hearing about steroids, HGH, Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee?
2. How does Devean George have the power to block a trade?

And no, Dallas isn't the immediate favourite in the West with the acquisition of Jason Kidd. San Antonio are still the champs and as Ric Flair says, "To be the man, you've got to beat the man. Woooooooo!"

* * * * * * * * * *
DVD Commentary tracks are my latest addiction. Even after wasting 90 minutes watching the same 30 minute sports loop three times, I still didn't feel like getting down to work, so I threw in the Dogma DVD and watched the flick with the commentary on. I did the same thing last Thursday with Gone Baby Gone.

I'm convinced that if I watch enough commentary track that I'll pick up a bunch of knowledge that'll improve my writing because I, like many, harbour illusions of being a screenwriter one day. Plus, listening to Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck make fun of each other for two hours is way better than actually doing anything productive...

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Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

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The Rundown: 80's Flashback

Did you know that kids born in 1988 turn 20 this year? That's fucked.

Well, at least to me it is, because I easily remember 1988. I was ten. '88 was one of my best years to date actually. I lived in Chatham, Ontario in a nice little suburb known as Birdland (all the streets were names of birds...) and had a great group of friends that I hung out with pretty much every waking hour that I wasn't in school. I also had my first French Kiss in '88 with Jackie McClintock. Oddly enough, her brother Steve was one of my best friends at the time and he was standing right there watching me do it!

So, I thought I would use that as my inspiration for today's Rundown. Without any further adieu...

Top Five Things I Miss About The '80's

5. Saturday Morning Cartoons / Television
Have you gotten up on a Saturday morning recently and flipped through the channels to see what's on? I have and I hated it. Where the hell are The Smurfs? What about The Gummi Bears? No longer are they bouncing here and there and everywhere. D'you know when The Transformers were awesome? When they weren't a movie starring Shia LeBeouf, but were a cartoon. Toss in Saved By The Bell starting in 1989 and that was what Saturday mornings were all about.

Old Guy Geek Update: They're doing a CGI Thundercats Movie. Yes, I'm excited for it. I effing loved The Thundercats!

4. John Hughes Movies

• Mr. Mom
• National Lampoon's Vacation
• 16 Candles
• The Breakfast Club - classic... you must watch this film
  
• National Lampoon's European Vacation
• Weird Science
• Pretty in Pink
• Ferris Bueller's Day Off - anyone who hasn't seen this must be shot!
  
• Planes, Trains & Automobiles
• The Great Outdoors
• Uncle Buck
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Seriously, if you haven't seen some of these, go get them. They're all pretty solid and some of them are downright iconic. Need a better endorsement than me? How 'bout Kevin Smith, who pokes fun at John Hughes' imaginary town of Shermer, Illinois in Dogma? If Silent Bob is jabbing at you, you know you're dope.

3. Innocence
A guy at work told me today about a girl his wife teaches in sixth grade that is pregnant. I was in 6th grade somewhere around 1988 or so and getting some girl pregnant was the last thing on my mind. Hell, I hadn't even started spankin' it yet... Sorry about that. Anyway, I miss that time, when riding your bike and playing street hockey was enough. Holding hands and getting a kiss at the end of the day made you the Big Man on Campus and thoughts of sex, drugs and alcohol hadn't entered the minds of Elementary School students. I don't care if this one makes me sound real old... I miss those days.

2. The Fashion
Vuarnet. Neon and pastel everything. Chuck Taylor's and fake Chuck Taylor's. Polo. Acid Washed Jeans and high top shoes. Reebok Pumps. Bicycle shorts I can still do without...

1. The Music
If you didn't know this was going to be #1, you're either new here - welcome, nice to have you - or haven't been paying attention over the last bunch of months. I mean, seriously, you had to know it was going to be the music, right? Who and what do I miss most? Glad you asked:

• Michael Jackson - Thriller was released and was awesome. It still is. Michael, unfortunately, is not.
• U2 - The Joshua Tree... that's all I have to say.
  
• Duran Duran - I don't care what anyone says...
• Hair Metal Bands - odd that they follow Duran Duran, but hey, I loved Poison. Appetite for Destruction had been unleashed on the world and Dr. Feelgood came out right at the very end of the decade...
• Rap was just getting off the ground it is was still all good. Beasties, early LL, Run DMC...
  
• Plus, there are a lot of bands that I wish I had known about then that I really dig now, like The Smiths and Depeche Mode

* * * * * * * * * *
Quick shout out to my man Deuce - he's in my old stomping ground of Waterloo for an interview that he's really nervous and excited about. Good luck dude!

He's started a blog too... he wants to be more like me... check it out here.

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Things I Learned This Week

1. Losing Your Luggage Isn't All Bad
My man Deuce, the one with the fire-filled comment directed at John Q. Anonymous a couple pieces back, had his luggage "misplaced" flying home from Vancouver over the New Year. As it turns out, because he used his credit card to book the flight, said credit card company gives him a $100/day clothing allowance for his troubles to a maximum of five days. Needless to say, Deuce is going shopping in the very near future to replace his lost wardrobe. You should maybe go on Tuesday Deuce. I'm off. I could go with you. I'm good at shopping.

2. Get Everything Done Before You Open the First Beer
Because if you don't, you'll finish the first beer and open the second and then next thing you know, you've drank the entire 8-pack of Guinness that was supposed to last you the night, you didn't end up writing that blog post you were planning (Sorry Everyone!) and you're half in the bag by the time you're ready to start making dinner. The moral of the story? I got drunk last night...

3. I Am, In Fact, A Sally
Tapped out somewhere around 12:30 last night. Yep, 12:30. That's it. Deuce was still chugging along and Sarah was well into Drunk Sarah mode where she could drink lighter fluid and not feel a thing. As for me, I had puked a little and was ready to pack it in before the clock hit 1 AM. What the hell has happened to me? I blame working nine days in a row at Blockbuster and being woken up at 9 AM by the rampaging toddler upstairs, but really, that's just the kind of thing a Sally who tapped out before 1 AM would be expected to say. I'll try to do better next time.

4. Canadian Sports Media Sucks
D'you know what's awesome? When the two best teams in all of hockey face off against one another, one of them being from the Nation's Capital, the other being my Red Wings, and every sports outlet in this country leads with the litany of problems plaguing the Toronto Maple Leafs. Are you shitting me? I don't care that you're the biggest city in the country and have the most loyal fans in the world. The Leafs are shit and everyone, especially Leafs fans, need to start realizing this.

5. You Like Me! You Really Like Me!
This ode to Sally Field brought to you by the nine - count'em 9! - Fans of E. Spencer Kyte on Facebook. Much thanks to Sarah Cole, AJ Godson, Lance Doucette, Erin Dillon, Ashley Clements, David Chalk, Mark Townsend and Bryan Buchanan for signing up. A bigger shout out goes to Chalk's friend Galina who is the only person not connected to me in some way, shape or form who has joined. You guys and gals rock! To the rest of you, what the fuck is the matter with you? Join already bitches... especially you Smitty!

6. Sarah's Scrabble Supremacy is Failing
I've got two wins in a row and counting. She'll tell you I have one win in a row and we quit the game before that, but the truth is she lost interest and started chatting on MSN for the simple reason that she was getting her ass handed to her and is so competitive that she would rather quit than actually admit defeat.

7. I Hate The Simpson Sisters
Ashley is engaged to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, whose heartbroken tales of suburban emo misery I greatly enjoy. How can one write about being miserable and having a shitty life if you in fact aren't miserable and don't have a shitty life? Fall Out Boy will never be the same. Big sister Jessica could be the blame for an even bigger screw up if things don't go well for the Dallas Cowboys this afternoon. Should her current boyfriend Tony Romo and his teammates shit the bed against the New York Football Giants, it won't be the Giants who get credit for playing well, it'll be Yoko Simpson taking the blame for dragging Tony off to Cancun this week when he should have been focusing on football. Us media types are retarded... Jessica also makes me puke a little in my mouth for introducing the world at large to Nick Lachey, which in turn made his stupid little brother Drew a C-List Celebrity.

8. Kevin Smith Doesn't Reply to MySpace Messages
So there is a push to get the man who is responsible for Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy et al out to Memorial University for a Q&A a la his An Evening With series. Proving that Facebook is taking over the world, there is a group for it. Yes, I'm a member of said group. I am also a former MySpace user and have Kevin Smith on my friend list, so I thought I would send him a message to see if I could drum up some information on how one would go about sorting something like this out. That was ten days ago and I've got nothing. I'm sure there is a logical explanation - namely that he is a busy man who gets thousands of messages a day polluting his Inbox - but still. I'll keep you posted on the status... ten days and counting.

9. Apparently, Writing A Funny Movie that Lasts Longer Than 96 Minutes is Hard Work
Brought home three new comedy releases this weekend - Mr. Woodcock, Good Luck Chuck and The Ten. None of them are more than 96 minutes long and none of them are all that funny. Woodcock was decent enough. Billy Bob plays a bastard pretty well and Amy Poehler needs to get even more work as she is one of the funniest women around. You all know how I feel about Dane Cook, so that doesn't need to be rehashed and The Ten was just plain shitty. I suppose I should be thankful that none of them cost me more than an hour and a half of my life, but I mean, is it really that hard to come up with a new, funny idea and make it work for, heaven forbid, 120 minutes?

10. The People of New Hampshire Are Racist
While it's probably not very truthful, I need some kind of explanation of why Hilary Clinton won the NH Primary and not The Next President of the United States Barack Obama. Playing the race card seems like the most ridiculous notion, so I'll go with that. On a sad note, it's hilarious to me that I care a lot more about US Politics than I do Canadian Politics. Maybe it's because of the sorry state of Canadian Politics. I mean, who doesn't love powerless Minority Governments?!

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The Rundown: Random Happenings

The past seven days has been a giant collection of completely random situations, from Sarah's need to have her appendix removed to our quickly put together revised travel itinerary. As such, there was nothing more fitting for today's Rundown...

Top Five Random Thoughts in My Mind

5. Somehow, Kevin Smith Hasn't Had a Heart Attack
He hasn't, or rather didn't because he stopped smoking and started eating much better than before. And it's a good thing, because I'm through about 30 pages of his latest book and Silent Bob and Co. rock the Griddle for breakfast nearly every day, with stops at Wendy's, Carl's Jr. and Mickey D's mixed in for variety.

4. When Am I Getting Sushi?
Before the whole appendix situation, I knew that there would be a bare minimum of two all-you-can-eat journeys, one in VanCity and one in TO. Now, post-op and with different arrival times, things are a little hazy. As it stands now, we're Googling sushi restaurants in and around London, as London proper doesn't believe in sushi restaurants. Suddenly, I'm a little less excited about moving there in May.

3. Strange Things Irritate Me
Like how soft cover books get that bend in the cover when you're reading them. I hate that. Newfoundland drivers, but I've covered that before. How stupid people stand in front of the viewing mirrors at the Sears Fitting Rooms. This is especially annoying because I'm not allowed beyond the doorway since I have testicles.... and I get funny looks for being there with Sarah and having opinions on her outfits.

2. Why Are Athletes Stupid?
And by stupid I mean why do they do stupid things that put their lives and the lives of people around them in jeopardy? In the wake of Jamaal Tinsley's latest incident and the recent death of Sean Taylor, you would think athletes would be taking a second look at their lifestyles and choices, but sadly, I don't think that will happen... read more of my views on this topic here or see what Jemele Hill at ESPN has to say or the fine folks at The Starting Five.

Note: Yes, I'm in 100% agreement with Jemele Hill here, which is a departure from normal. Maybe I was too quick to judge last week...

1. What Has Happened to Society?
Broad strokes, I know, but I long for the halcyon days of my childhood. Reality TV and things like TMZ.com and Perez Hilton hadn't turned the average people into gossip crazy celebriholics*, athletes weren't going to jail for dog fighting, nightclub brawls or trying to hire a hitman to kill their agent and gas cost 49 cents a litre. Sure those days had their problems too, but it wasn't like this. The question that scares me most is what's next?

* celebriholics: those who are obsessed with the lives and travails of celebrities, especially scandals. This is my word and I hereby claim it in the name of ESKimo Enterprises...

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I Should Buy Shares In Chapters

The amount of money that I spend in that place is absolutely ree-dick-you-lous!

Our plan for the day was to head into school so Sarah could sort out her exam situation and then meet Chad and Jeremy - two guys from her nursing class - at Starbucks / Chapters for a coffee and chit-chat. Surprisingly, we were on time and that was even with a mid-morning nap session on the couch for the recuperating one.

We even got there before Jeremy, who arrived sans Chad as he apparently hit the bar somewhere around 1 o'clock... I knew I liked that crazy hippie for a reason.

Anywho, post Venti Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha, we trolled the aisles. A couple weeks ago, we picked up this free gift card that had a mystery value attached to it for you to redeem whenever you spent $50 plus. Since we're boarding a plane later this week, we decided to make this our in-flight reading acquisition day which means I was in heaven, free to spend copious amounts of money on my favourite addiction not named cigarettes.

After helping Jeremy find the Cormac McCarthy books - he too wants to give No Country a read before seeing the movie - I'm quick to grab the items on my wishlist. Always been a big fan of the James Patterson Alex Cross series, so finding a paperback copy of Cross with a 30% off sticker is a great start. Knowing that Sarah's Mom will be sending us money to spend at Chapters early in the New Year since our VanCity trip has was demo'ed by the whole appendix thing, I decide pleasure reading is the best course of action and opt to leave the John Prendergast / Don Cheadle Not On Our Watch on the shelf for later. Besides, who wants to read about the genocide in Darfur on their holidays? Not I for one...

So instead I snatched up the latest Kevin Smith offering, My Boring-Ass Life. Been wanting to read it since it came out but just haven't been able to justify dropping $20 on a collection of his blogs, until now, as it's the perfect book for a time like this. Not at all serious, easy to read and something I can put down at any moment without forgetting the plot, as there isn't one. Plus, I'm a devote View Askew guy and this is all about those boys, so it's a good call.

Also picked up Jamie Oliver's latest - Cook with Jamie - which is both cook book and How To manual. It was also 50% off... KA-CHING! Toss in the required nonsense reading for the plane - GQ with Kanye on the cover for me, gossip rag for Sarah, plus a new Marian Keyes for her and we're at the counter with a bag full of books. Seriously, one of the Chapters guys came over and handed me a bag.

Get to the counter and the cashier totally up-sells us and I can't blame her. There was no way we shouldn't have scored an iRewards card and I have a laugh in my head about how easy the sale was, knowing what it's like after shilling Rewards Memberships by the dozens at The Block. Total comes to silver shy of sixty bones, with something like forty bucks worth of savings after redeeming our $5 giftcard (not surprisingly), iRewards discounts and sticker promo savings. This is the most money I have spent in one sitting in quite some time that didn't involve me thanking a waiter for their service afterwards.

* * * * *

So I've decided that once we get back, I'm going to take the time to sit down with someone and hash out where I can save money as a writer. Since I'm certain there are tax loopholes that I can work in my favour, it'll easily be worth the afternoon spent in some office figuring out what I can call "work related" from things like rent, money spent at Chapters (research?) and my Internet bill...

* * * * *

The asterisk as page break thing is a direct rip off of my man Dan Tobin at Bugs & Cranks. He's our BoSox writer, which means he was an arrogant prick throughout October, but on the whole, he's aces. Writes a mean blog himself too. Anyway, I mention this because I told him a couple weeks (months?) ago that I was going to steal something from his site; namely his Books I Read This Year list.

Admittedly, his is far more impressive than mine will possibly be, but that's because Dan is smarter than I am. Though we both read Hornby - everyone should - he also reads Gabriel Garcia Marquez while I read Silent Bob...

Why am I telling you this? I've got two books on the go and two more ready to knock out, so I'm starting the list now.

* * * * *

Sarah beat me at Scrabble again and this one stings more than normal.

I started the game with Bingo. For you non-Scrabble geeks, a bingo is when you use all your letters to make a word, thereby getting an extra 50 points. So yeah, I was out to a nice little lead and she slowly but surely clawed her way back into contention before dropping QUIZ on a double word score right at the end of the game.

Final Score: Sarah 276, Spencer 256... at least I have Monopoly.

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Film School

As some of you may know, in addition to being the world-renowned blogger that I am, I spend upwards of 30 hours a week standing behind the counter at Blockbuster Video getting my Randal Graves on, without the graphic ordering of porn over the telephone in the presence of small children.

Let's not kid ourselves here either, I work at Blockbuster for one reason and one reason only - free rentals. No, it's actually like Nick Naylor says: "It pays the mortgage" which is actually rent in my case, but that's just semantics.

Anywho - the problem (or one of the problems) with me rockin' the Block is that I'm an incredible film snob, which puts me in a precarious position at least once or twice a day where I have to stop myself from laughing at what people will actually pay to watch. Pumpkinhead 4? Honestly?

Which brings me to the focus of this here rambling...

The Spencer Kyte Guide to Blockbuster

By no means is this an all encompassing list or anything like that, just a couple of pointers from a guy who has watched more movies than you and your five closest friends combined. Shall we?

Don't be afraid of Documentaries
Yes, they're short on explosions and CGI and big name stars, but they're chalk full of information and knowledge. And it isn't only Michael Moore who makes documentaries.

Recommendations: The Devil Came On Horseback about the conflict in Darfur or Shut Up & Sing which details the whole Dixie Chicks uproar from a couple years back.

Big Budget Does Not Equal Better
Ghost Rider cost a lot of money to make. It's barely watchable. You Kill Me didn't and it's easily the best movie I've seen this year. Sir Ben Kingsley as an alcoholic hitman is priceless.

Recommendations (besides You Kill Me): Brick, Thank You For Smoking and stay the hell away from The Reaping.

Subtitles Aren't Harmful to Your Health
Can you read? Then you can enjoy a subtitled movie as much as any other. Granted, I understand the fact that people rent movies so they can watch something and you've got to be in the right state of mind to enjoy a subtitled film, but boycotting them altogether would be a mistake.

Recommendations: Letters from Iwo Jima and Pan's Labyrinth.

There is a reason it wasn't in theatres...
Sure you can find some pretty decent Direct to DVD titles, but for the most part, it wasn't a theatrical release because the people making the movie knew it wasn't going to do very well with The Popcorn Set. As such, something that was in theatres almost always trumps something that came right to Blockbuster.

Recommendations: Watch The Departed or Fracture before you grab Animal 2 or Man About Town

Sequels
If the actors who were in the first film didn't come back for the second, that should tell you something. And no, the fact that the Prince in Prince & Me 2 is the same guy doesn't count. Consider this The Batman Theory. The original - Michael Keaton in Tim Burton's - was great, then they both walked and the revolving door of actors and directors started until the series spiraled into oblivion. Thankfully Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale have breathed new life into The Dark Knight...

Recommendations: Ocean's Thirteen not Butterfly Effect 2

The Book is Always Better
A lot of people - parents and kids - have been coming in lately looking for various Shakespearean adaptations and other book into film ventures. This frightens me, (1) because I'm a writer and need people to be able to read in the future to continue paying the bills and (2) because I can't think of a single film version that has been better than the book. As great as The Godfather was, Mario Puzzo's words are still superior.

Five to Watch from the Past Year-ish
1. You Kill Me
2. Thank You For Smoking
3. The Prestige
4. Zodiac
5. Ratatouille

Five to Avoid Like The Plague*
1. The Reaping... get it? The Plagues...
2. Evan Almighty
3. Delta Farce
4. Home of the Brave
5. The Lake House

* this doesn't include all the unfathomable nonsense like Return of the Living Dead 47 and anything starting Steven Seagal / Jean Claude Van Damme.

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