Things I Learned This Week

1. What Time is It? Time to Get My Drank On!
This has been the most outstanding weekend in a long, long time and not just because we've all been various stages of hammered over the last 36 hours.

Whenever you ask Michelle what she wants to do, here response is "Get My Drank On!" and that is awesome. Despite the fact that it's narly 4:00 pm and the day hasn't really started yet due to last night's festivities, my suggestion that alcohol intake probably wouldn't happen to night was met with a resounding, "What?"

Expect drunken status updates on Facebook later.

2. The Dog Likes Advil
Don't worry, this is not information we found out while intoxified or anything like that. We did not feed the dog pain medicine.

He stole the bottle. Noisy, rattling things amuse him. Noisy, rattling things amusing him amuses all of us.

This is what happens when you've been getting your drank on for the better part of two days.

3. Deuce Answers the Phone at All Hours
My man Deuce lives in Newfoundland, three and a half hours ahead of us here in Kimberley. Despite this fact - which we were acutely aware of early this morning - we decided we missed him enough to call and tell him.

Five minutes after leaving our message, a surprisingly awake Deuce returned our call, laughing at the ridiculousness that is drunken Sarah, Michelle and Spencer.

Tim was passed out already by this point. We called Deuce because my clippers died right when we were preparing to shave comatosed Tim's legs...

4. eHarmony Isn't For Everyone
Believe it or not, you can be turned down by eHarmony. How miserable would that make you feel?

The fact that the process of joining eHarmony is very, very labor-intensive (I started yesterday after hearing the story and seeing their adds for a free communication weekend... and yes, my wife knew I was doing so) would just make this even more depressing.

You go through 487 questions and come up with, "Sorry, you're too picky and we don't have a single person who is compatible with you."

Yikes.

5. Getting Some Serious Readership
In non-boozy weekend news, this week has yielded a couple more syndication opportunities for my work at Keyboard Kimura, upping the number of readers I get per day and increasing my exposure even more.

What makes it even better is that neither offer came through the usual means (read: me begging someone to carry my work). Instead, they approached me and being the attention whore that I am, I said yes really quickly and patted myself on the back.

Slowly but surely, we're getting out there and going to be taking over the MMA world...

6. And Still Reigning Scrabble Champion...
Prior to getting mangled last night, we rocked a four-way game of Scrabble, which the wife was running away with.

That is, until I dropped "HISTORY" on the board with my last seven letters, landing on a double word score in addition to collecting my 50 bonus points.

You're winner and still reigning Scrabble Champion of the World...

P.S. I went undefeated in games last night, as Tim and I also won Cranium and he "lost" at very drunken game of Bullshit.

I'm out... time to get our drank on!

Continue reading ...

Glad I'm Married: Reasons #166 and 167

I know I didn't tell you the first 165; I figured you didn't really want to hear all kinds of gushing about my wonderful wife, the beautiful life I envision us building together and all the Hallmark sentiment that makes people grow tired of newly married couples in a heartbeat.

You're welcome.

What I will do is get started with Reason #166: Middle Aged Strip Club Guy.

Don't get me wrong - I spent my fair share of time watching girls get naked on stage. In fact, I probably spent my fair share, your fair share and most of your extended family's fair share. But I haven't set foot in a strip joint since my buddy Fisher's Bachelor Party more than four years ago.

Why?

Because I can see a naked girl almost any time I want at home... on the Internet. Just kidding.

The textbook definition of this guy was in the bar last night, so while I thank him for the inspiration now, I'm sure it doesn't make up for me laughing at him when he asked me if there was a strip joint in Cranbrook.

See, I laughed because (a) he'd already told a story about strip clubs and strippers and "touching all kinds of fake boobs" way too loud, to which his table of teammates offered up a round of High Fives and (b) if you've ever seen Cranbrook, you know that even if there is a strip joint there, you don't want to go.

I mean really, what could possibly be sexy about a 23-year-old who looks 45 with a handful of shitty tattoos and 12 teeth that has clearly been on the wrong side of one too many benders and beatdowns?

Harsh? Sure, but I'm not the one who was petitioning the bartender for directions. What made it even better was that post-laughter, when I told the table that it "won't be pretty," the response I got was, "We're not looking for pretty; we're looking for entertainment."

You want entertainment? Rent a fucking movie. Go find some live music somewhere. Watch UFC 102 tonight.

A group of seven middle aged douchebags rolling into the strip joint isn't entertainment, it's sad... and Reason #166 of Why I'm Glad I'm Married.

So what is Reason #167 you ask?

Those guys, twenty years later, getting mouthy and loaded in the bar on a golfing vacation.

Being a drunk asshole when you're 35 or so is bad, but being a drunk asshole when you're 55 and up is just ridiculous.

By then you should have some drunken etiquette and know better than to reach over the bar and pour your own mix, especially when the bartender (read: me) is standing right there.

And mooching smokes off me just makes you a total loser... being a "social smoker" is something you do when you're between the ages of 16 and 25. After that, buy your own smokes or give it up, don't get all lippy about "having some loose ones laying around" when I point you to the smoke machine.

Sad...

Continue reading ...

One Helluva Weekend!

The last 72 hours have been the best 72 hour stretch of time in my life.

Getting to be around a large collection of the people who care and love about Sarah and I and threw us an incredible party Saturday was far more than either of us could ever ask for.

Everyone assembled in the booming metroplis of Damascus, Ontario - my apologizes to everyone who got lost along the way - and there is enough left over chicken and wine to feed thousands for the next week to ten days.

Friday brought Sarah's mom in from Vancouver and a first trip to the airport. All went well, aside from an extra thirty minutes in the Cell Phone Lot waiting for the phone to ring while Luke barked at anything and everything around.

Six hours after we jumped into our tent on the front lawn, it was time for Trip #2 to the Airport to collect Sarah's Best Friend and Maid of Honor Jena. Luke stayed at home for this one and we actually parked instead of waiting in the Cell Phone Lot.

Fun, little interesting tidbit of the day: we picked Jena up at the exact location where Sarah and I got engaged. We thought it was a fun way to start Engagement Party Day. Mind you, we only had a couple hours of sleep on the uneven ground with a barking dog sniffing his way around a tent.

The party itself was incredible. I won't go into details about place settings and table decorations and the little jars of candies for everyone.

All the people who said they were coming made it there (except Newt, but he had two sick kids so we understood) and all had a great time. We had some laughs, a couple of tears and a great time.

Thanks to everyone for the terrific gifts and all the generosity. It means more to us than anyone will ever know.

And then we got hammered!

Somehow, waking up bright and early Sunday morning for breakfast didn't even include a hangover and it certainly should have when you factor in the copious amounts of wine that filled our bellies that evening.

Gotta love it - a killer party with all our loved ones (well - many of our loved ones) and no hangover to make us feel bad about it the next day.

Next up: finalizing the Flying 20...

Continue reading ...

10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Things Always Seem To Work Out
My man Bucky was to be in town Monday night for some meetings and pints were definitely in order. Unfortunately, Monday night is the night I close at Montana's and passing up a guaranteed $150 bucks would be insane. So I had to cancel with Bucky. Turns out Bucky got to town super late and would be hanging around throughout the day Tuesday. Guess who happened to be off? Nothing better than afternoon beers and wings with an old friend.
2. Blue Jays Jinx Continues
This season, the Jays are 0-3 when I'm in attendance as they dropped Wednesday afternoon's game to Tampa while I was 18 rows up at third. As always, big thanks go out to my man Chris Schiel for the hookup - everyone had a great time... except the Jays.

3. OCD and Me
So, I kind of have a little bit of an issue with schedules and order. See, I like them, a lot and really, really don't do so well when things get thrown off schedule and out of order. Case in point, Wednesday morning. We were supposed to be leaving the house around 9:30 in Garry's car to go to the game. Too bad he took his keys with him when he left at 7:00 AM. Tried to find Sarah at the hospital to get her set, but no one could direct me to her floor. Did I mention it was pouring rain? Soaked and dejected, I got home at 9:50, pouted on the bed for about 3 minutes and drove Shitbox 2 to Toronto. We got into our seats for the bottom of the second. ARGH!
4. Chapters Really Does Have Magic Powers
I've been kind of bummed lately about writing and just work in general; no real reason, just July was a slower month and there hasn't been anything new coming down the pipeline for a few weeks. All that was washed away and the fire rekindled by a Monday trip to Chapters. Twenty minutes of shopping for cheap books (I bought three, have already read Fargo Rock City) and another twenty sitting in the chairs reading the latest issue of Spin - great story on D'Angelo and an interview with Q-Tip - and I was ready to rock the keys again. What can I say, the place just inspires me.

5. Wedding Plans Are Made
In the span of three days, we went from dealing with Lindsay the Halfwit at Flight Center who never got back to us about anything and had no real information to walking into Marlin Travel, meeting Judy (I Love Judy!), telling her what we were looking for and having everything in our hands with final confirmation coming sometime this week. Once we get it all in stone - the exact date and whatnot -you'll be sure to know. If I can give everyone some advice it's this: when it comes to your wedding plans, you want someone who is a bit of a bitch working for you; Judy is great with us but a total bad-ass on the phone and via email getting everything done and we couldn't be happier.

6. 10 Days of No TV
Have to say I'm pretty impressed, because so far it hasn't really been much of anything really. I mean, I wish I could watch Iron Chef: America every night when I get home from work (and Sarah misses Jon & Kate Plus 8) but for the most part it's been no inconvenience at all. I've read more, written about as much as always and it makes going out the door to workout a much easier decision, since I can't sit in front of sports highlights and afternoon baseball.

7. Hangover City
So I decided to have a couple drinks with some people from work on Friday night. Sarah was working at the hospital overnight and having a beer or two chatting with my colleagues sounded like a good idea. When am I going to learn that this is never what ends up happening? A couple beers turned into three Guinness, three vodka waters and tray after tray of shots that left me feeling like someone had kicked the living hell out of me all day yesterday. And then I had to go to work all night...

8. The Hangover Cure Still Works Like a Charm
I could swear I've shared my sure-fire hangover buster formula with everyone before, but just in case I haven't, I need to pass it along because it truly did make all the difference in the world yesterday. Besides the obvious (sleep, Tylenol Extra Strength) the key components are: lots and lots of water, a warm shower and McDonalds. The sooner you shower the better, as this will get you feeling better for a period. Ideally, you eat the McDonalds before the positives of the shower subside. Keep the water going all day. Next time you're feeling like I was yesterday, give this a try. You can thank me later.
9. The Motodanica Commentors
My new pet peeve here at iBlog are the random "promotional commentors" who take on various names and make witty banter about stuff they obvliously don't care about in the comments section. They're always linked to www.motodanica.com - an ad page for some Motorola phone - and pop up once or twice a week. I guess I should be flattered - getting SPAM is the mark of making it, isn't it?

10. Operation: 185 Update
Starting Weight: 204 lbs.
Last Week's Weight: 199 lbs.
Current Weight: 198.5 lbs.

Another half pound down and considering that I injested a great deal of McDonalds yesterday to combat the booze sweats, this is yet another accomplishment. I also think it's the first time in about four years that I have been under 200 pounds for consecutive weeks, so there's that too!

Continue reading ...

10 Things I Learned This Week

1. I Can't Drink Any More
There was a time when a night like Saturday wouldn't have hurt me one bit come Sunday morning. I would have gotten up, grabbed some Mickey D's and chilled out on the couch nursing a very small hangover. Instead, I got my ass kicked. Still got the Mickey D's, still sacked out on the couch all day, but the hangover was gigantic.

2. Done
With Saturday producing the Sunday that it did, I've decided to hang up the drinking on a fairly permanent basis. A couple beers here and there with the lads or over dinner or whatever is still very much happening, but bender nights are now thing of the past. Not remembering isn't a badge of courage... it's a sign of stupidity.

3. Stylin' and Profilin'
From the pictures I've seen, I looked good Saturday night. Like real good. Ron Burgundy "Hey everyone. Come see how good I look" good. Then everything went blank and I couldn't tell you the rest... stupid vodka...

4. Two Weeks
As in, I'll be home in... Crazy! Time has flown by and there is a bunch of stuff still needing to be done around the house, but flights are booked, transfers are in place and a week hanging out in Cambridge with Faye is the first course of action when I get home. Book your visits now!

5. New Province, Same Job
The transfer mentioned above is in fact a position with Blockbuster in Ontario. Responsible Spencer - the sober yin to Saturday night's hammered yang - decided that a crappy job that pays the bills is better than no crappy job, so I'm heading home to Rock the Block.

6. My Bracket Is Broken
It was shot right out of the gate. I had USC going to the Elite 8, Arizona making a trip to the Sweet 16 and a host of other scenarios that certainly haven't panned out. One thing I do still have correct though... UNC winning this whole damn thing. Tell me they haven't looked better than everyone else?

7. Remember Boyz II Men?
Man, those kids from West Philly were awesome. What has me extolling the talents of Nate, Shawn and Wanya? They were on Don't Forget the Lyrics and goddamn they had a lot of hits back in the day! Motownphilly, End of the Road, On Bended Knee, I'll Make Love to You... that joint with Mariah before she went crazy. Where are groups like Boyz II Men today? We need another Boyz II Men.

8. Pretend Blue Jays in Familiar Position
Third place in the American League East. Good to know that even baseball simulations have the Jays as paper contenders in the AL East.

9. Now That I've Staved Off Death...
I got a ton of writing to do. The Jays season starts soon and they have been busy in the last couple days - GO CHECK BUGS & CRANKS PEOPLE - Epic needs a post or two in the next couple days and we all know this blog doesn't write itself. A trained chimp named Vincent K. Monkey does it. I pay him in bananas.

10. Gotta Love That Picture From Yesterday! (Scroll Down In Case You Missed It)
Seriously, even I can't manage to get that hammered. When you get so drunk that you strip down to your thong and crash on a picnic table, ass out for everyone to see, you need to put down the Canadians and pick up a bottle of water.

Continue reading ...