1. Write for Love, Let the Money Come Later
After spending a good number of months building up a readership at a couple different sites, I put them on the back burner to pursue a job with Heavy.com for the lone reason that they were going to pay me.
Ten weeks later, I was dropped via email... without ever receiving a check. I've been assured it's coming, and take solace in the fact that the continuing staff there have yet to receive their pay either, but it made me realize something.
I write because I love it and that needs to be the motivation. Ironically enough, I finished Stephen King's On Writing last night, and d'you know what the final message of the book was?
"I write because I love it, not because of the money."
2. If You Hear "No Disrespect," Expect an Insult to Follow
I'm as guilty on this one as the next guy, as I use the line, "no disrespect to (insert fighter)" fairly frequently, following it up with some statement about how the inserted fighter isn't up to par or a legitimate contender.
It's as if we think that offering up that precursor gives us the ability to say whatever the hell we want about someone. They no I don't mean it disrespectfully, so saying they look like a total jackass / have the talents of a trained chimpanzee / smell a little south of god-awful is okay...
No it isn't, and I hereby pledge to remove that phrase from my vocabulary.
3. I Love My Non-Paying Jobs
The one that pays me - picking produce orders for 35-40 hours a week at Islands West - isn't all that bad, but the pair that put little no money in my pocket on a regular basis are great.
After the whole Heavy debacle, I joined forces with the guys over at Five Knuckles. They had been syndicating my work from Keyboard Kimura for a while, have a great community and believe in my talents to help propel their site to bigger and better.
What really has me stoked is my role with Armageddon Fighting Championships. While I don't really have a defined title, I'm doing all kinds of different things, like hunting down sponsors, lining up media exposure, and building Fan Pages on Facebook.
Yes - you need to join.
Kind of ties in with the first thought of today - enjoy the work, do a good job and the returns will come in time.
4. Victoria Kicks Everywhere Else's Ass
It's January 17 and I plan on wearing shorts today. Not because I want to see if I can brave the harsh outdoors with my pasty white lower limbs, but because it's around 10 degrees, nice and sunny and there is very little wind.
Additionally, not having to shovel... awesome! Yes, it rains, but d'you know what? Rain at five, six or seven degrees is so superior to snow and ice and bullshit at some god-awful temperature well below freezing.
I've enjoyed everywhere I've lived over the years - 13 cities, 31 addresses in 31 years - but Victoria takes the cake.
5. So I Never Told You My New Year's Resolutions
Thanks for sticking around... and Happy Sunday!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Things I Learned This Week
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. Post #600
How insane is that?
This post marks the 600th time I've sat down to share my thoughts with you on something completely random and the fact that we've reached yet another landmark is crazy to me.
Not that I didn't think I could actually do it, but really, getting to 600 posts without having taken an kind of massive hiatus in the middle is impressive to me.
More impressive is that some of you have been reading since the first week. Words can't express how appreciative I am...
2. Big Day for Tim & Michelle
My brother-in-law and his girlfriend officially took possession of their house last Saturday (yes, I know that makes it a thing I learned last week...) and celebrated by getting engaged!
Congratulations!
Couldn't be happier - they're a great couple and quickly becoming two of our best friends, so getting to hit up their wedding sometime next year (or whenever) and having them relatively close by is outstanding.
3. No Smokes in 5 Weeks
I didn't want to say anything until I had passed the one month point, then I was too lazy to write last weekend, so now we're at Week 5 sans darts and I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
For the most part, it's been fairly easy; only a couple moments here and there where I've thought a smoke would be fantastic, but to be totally honest, I haven't really noticed.
No special gum, no silly patches and no conversations with my doctor. Just good old fashioned will power...
4. Funny People: Not Over Funny
Judd Apatow tried to make a funny and touching movie (at least that what it seems like) and kinda missed the boat on both.
There are some funny moments and some touching moments, but after 140 minutes of watching Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan hang out together, I was left thinking that they should have either went full-on funny or full-on touching, but not tried to do both.
The potential was there, but it seemed to all kind of miss the mark as a whole.
That being said, Apatow is a massive success and I'm douche who rights a blog that only 43 people read, so who am I to judge?
5. Everywhere We Go, Bad Waitresses Follow
Going out with Tim and Michelle must set off some kind of bad waitress beacon because each of the last couple times we've been out, the service has been brutal.
Between giving us our bill the minute we decided to take a pause from consuming mass quantities of booze to, you know, breath and last night's all-around useless waitress, we need to stick to staying in and getting sloshed.
Last night's server was a gem, kind enough to ask if we wanted beef on our nachos only to return 17 seconds later to double check that we said yes, which we didn't, then have the aforementioned unwanted and unserved beef show up on our bill.
Additionally, a vodka water with a lime apparently means vodka, water and a splash of bar lime with a lemon wedge.
Most traumatic of all? I can't get a job as a server to save my life right now...
6. But I Can Haul Produce!
That sounds like the career path of choice for right now, since it's the only career path being offered to me. Maybe it's the right way to go.
Full-time bartender at Kelsey's turned into mostly working as a server and not accumulating enough hours over the year to even qualify for Employment Insurance, so truly guaranteed eight-hour shifts five days a week will be a nice change of pace.
Besides, I won't bitch about having a better way to do everything like I always have working in restaurants and bars since I don't know the first thing about hauling produce.
7. I'm Now a Classic Radio Station Guy!
When I jump in the car now, I don't find the local pop station or the local rock station. I tune to Jack FM or a classic hits station that plays the stuff I grew up on...
How did this happen?
The stuff I grew up on is supposed to still be the cool stuff and what everyone is listening to. Flipping to the local pop station proves that is untrue, as my music doesn't involve computers digitally serving as every artists' voice like it does now.
Jay-Z is right: Death to Auto-Tune!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. Our Movers Suck!
First, they agree to a date for pickup. Then they tell us we're going to have to change that to accommodate their schedule. We sort things out, come to a compromise and our things get put on a truck.
Seven days later, they're still not here and the phone call we were told we'd get today as an update still has materialized.
For anyone out there considering a move, especially one of a great distance and with time constraints, this is why you pay the extra money to go with one of the big boys... you get your stuff when on time.
2. Maybe We Shouldn't Travel
The more I think about it, the more I realize that every trip we plan to make has some element of frustration beyond the usual, acceptable "sat next to a guy who smelled funny on the plane" type of annoyances.
In the last two years, we've had an appendix up-end Christmas in Vancouver, a collision with a deer derail a road trip back to Newfoundland, headaches galore with our wedding in the Dominican and the current travel situation that has us living like squatters with nothing more than an air mattress and the clothes on our backs.
Something tells me we need to take a break from trying to go places and just enjoy exploring the surroundings of Victoria.
3. Trying to be a Better Person
I've had a lot of windbags chiming in on pieces over at Bleacher Report lately, launching personal attacks at me and others just for the sake of having something to say, and I just don't get it.
What good comes from pissing in someone's cereal or calling someone "trailer trash" when you actually know very little about them? We're all guilty of it at one point or another, myself included, but I'm doing my best to stop. I really just don't see the point.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions and can think whatever they want about just about anyone. But if all you can add to the conversation is namecalling and nonsense, why open your mouth in the first place? Because really, none of us are perfect...
4. Liking Victoria
This is exactly the type of city for me; lots to do, the things I like and want in close proximity and plenty of space and scenery to enjoy all rolled into one.
Instead of having to drive 30 minutes to buy clothes from the terrific trio of Zellers, Wal-Mart or Superstore, I can drive ten minutes, roam through all kinds of quality stores in the mall and pick up a Starbucks while I'm there... stopping on the way home to grab some sushi.
I get why some people love quiant little places like Kimberley as much as they do; it's a great town, just not for me. I need life, some traffic and options on every corner and so far, Victoria is coming through in spades.
5. Future YouTube Sensation
One of these days, I'm going to bring my camera outside and tape Luke wrestling with Chili, the pug from upstairs.
It's priceless and if David After the Dentist and Charlie Bit My Finger can become YouTube sensations, than Pug MMA can certainly follow suit, especially if I can capture the times that Chili bites onto Luke's chubby little cheeks and starts dragging him off the concrete and back onto the grass.
Seriously, it's hilarious... you'll see.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. Last Major Move
Not because I've suddenly been offered a job with a reasonable salary or because we know we'll fall madly in love with Victoria. No, this is the last major move because packing and hauling ourselves across this great country of ours is getting ridiculous.
Though it took just five hours worth of work to get 2/3 of the house parceled and packed yesterday, here we are today hoping that the movers tell us they're coming Tuesday or Wednesday so we can avoid the remaining 1/3.
At this point, I might be willing to pay for someone to come finish the job. Let me know if you're interested.
2. Suddenly Popular
Always amazes me how months and months can go by with little to no social activity dotting our calendar, but as soon as that final week in town rolls around, everyone wants to have dinner.
Not knocking having dinner with friends (or having friends at all for that matter) but how come you want to hang out now? I mean, we had an entire year to do stuff and now that we're super busy getting packed and cleaning the house, we need to hang out?
3. I'm Becoming a Coffee Nerd... and I Like It
Remember how I used to make fun of people who order grandiose concoctions with half this and no that and a shot of something else with their coffee?
Yeah - I'm that guy now and I don't care. The days of packing back super-fat coffees at Starbucks are over. If I want to indulge in something other than good old-fashioned java, it's now a No Fat, White Mocha, No Whip with a pump of peppermint.
Delightful!
4. A Welcomed Hiatus
With all the packing and moving and planning and roadtripping on the go right now, writing has taken and will continue to take a backseat.
As much as I thought it would drive me insane, I actually quite enjoy it. Not rushing around during the day to squeeze in a column here and an article there; it makes taking afternoon naps a lot easier.
For now, I'll write whenever inspiration / desperation hits me and chronicle some of our journey out to the island, but until we get settled and the new world headquarters of ESKimo Enterprises opens it's doors, I'm on hiatus... and I love it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. They Invented Shovels for a Reason
So we got our first set of snowfalls this week; nothing massive, but enough for the complex groundskeeper to have to do a little bit of snow removal. With the stairs covered in snow, I fully expected to see him, shovel in hand, taking care of the early white annoyance.
But that would only make sense. After all, why should I expect said lazy, useless groundkeeper to do anything the right way after watching him take four days to mow the grass all summer? Even though shovels were designed specifically for the purpose of snow removal, do you know what this rocket surgeon was rocking?
A leaf blower. You read that right - a goddamn leaf blower. Needless to say, the stairs still have snow caked on them.
2. Even Luke Isn't Interested in an Early Winter
Though he quite enjoyed playing in the snow last winter, like us, the canine component of the house was thoroughly unimpressed with the snow that fell this week.
After about two energetic frolics through the fluffy, white powder, Luke had had enough. He sticks to the road and concrete as much as possible, lifts alternating paws out of the cold when he is forced into the snow and has no real interest in spending more time outside than is absolutely necessary.
Basically, he's the canine equivalent of yours truly.
3. There Are Some Awful Football Teams This Year
While I completely enjoy quiet Sundays on the couch watching football while Sarah slugs it out at the hospital, what's a brother gotta do to get a decent game on the television? Why in the name of all things holy would I have any interest in watching the Oakland Raiders?
Option #2 for an early game was Dallas at Kansas City, which is marginally better than watching the Raiders, except that I absolutely hate the Dallas Cowboys and listening to Troy Aikman make excuses for his former team.
Detroit actually looks decent compared to St. Louis, and don't even get me started on Cleveland and Buffalo... yeech!
4. The Blueprint 3 is...
Insert your own superlative of choice: awesome, dope, bananas (B-AN-AN-AS), classic, dynamic, whatever you'd like.
I know I told you all about it a few weeks ago when "Run this Town" appeared in the Soundtrack, but the fact that I went out and actually bought the CD should tell you the level of smooth this album possesses.
"Empire State of Mind" is ridiculous.
5. Making Moves, Part 193
It probably seems to you that ever week is met with a new update on the status of my writing career, but the truth is that every week offers something new.
For one, the Keyboard Kimura interview curse was broken last night at WEC 43 when Scott Jorgensen dropped Noah Thomas in the first round. Add to that someone new taking over the top spot on the Bleacher Report MMA Writer Rankings (read: little ol' me) and the fact that I am in the process of interviewing Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida, and I'd say there has been some new things learned on the writing front this week.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone... enjoy the turkey sweats!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. A Few Less Headaches
Moving is a stressful process, so it was great to get a couple of the headaches out of the way earlier this week by finding a place to live and discovering that we have pretty solid landlords who will be living above us with their pug named Chili.
Additionally, getting great reviews of the neighbourhood from friends and family that have frequented Victoria over the past few years helps too; nothing worse than thinking you found a great place to live and ending up in a stinkhole.
Now all we have to do is coordinating getting everything out there with spending a couple days in Vancouver.
2. My Time Will Come
I'm still super impatient, but this week yielded a couple great interviews and a few chances to talk to people in the MMA industry, reaffirming my belief that writing about the sport will eventually become my sole career.
It was great to hear "Showdown" Joe Ferraro echo some of the thoughts and feelings I have, both about the growth of the industry and future opportunities, as well as some fighters to keep an eye on.
There is no better way to know you're on track than to have someone who has made it that you look up to and respect saying the same things as you.
3. I'm An Uncle Again!
Charlie Olivia Kyte was born on Wednesday and I'm happy to report that both mother and daughter are doing well.
I would have told you sooner, but no one called to tell me... not my brother (the dad), not my mom (the doting grandmother), no one.
How can I be out of the loop inside my own family circle?
4. Step-Mother-in-Law
Additional congratulations go out this week to my father-in-law Garry and his now fiancee Theresa. While step-mother-in-law is easily the most awkward title a person can hold, T is awesome and I'll be happy to spit out that mouthful of a moniker over the coming years.
These two are actually nauseatingly cute; they text each other all the time, talk three or four times a day and are like school kids around each other, all giddy and silly and in love... makes me sick!
Congratulations guys... may I suggest somewhere warm in the winter for the wedding?
5. Dedication is For Suckers... Sometimes
I like to consider myself a hard-working guy and someone who does whatever is needed of him at work, covering shifts, doing the little extras and all that stuff that should get a person ahead.
Turns out, I was just a chump.
Back to the slower season and what has my hard work through last ski season and all summer gotten me? Wednesday and Thursday days on the bar, where a grand total of 23 customers could possibly turn up.
The guy who left for the summer gets more shifts than me. The woman who works "when she needs to" gets more shifts than me and the one who showed up loaded every weekend all summer long gets more shifts than me.
Super...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. C'mon End of October
As much as I hate moving, this move can't get here fast enough.
Simply put, I'm over it here. Not that I won't miss certain people and the beautiful surroundings, but I need a city.
I need a place where people go out to eat for lunch and the guy who is stuck working during the day can actually earn some money.
And I need sushi.
2. Newspapers Don't Return Emails
Or at least not unsolicited emails from people telling them they need to improve their MMA coverage.
Between the Victoria Times-Colonist, the National Post and the Globe and Mail, you would think that one of them would at least send a "Thanks for you input, we'll be in touch" type email, knowing that if I'm willing to cold email two of the biggest newspapers in the country, a response email would make me do cartwheels.
Alas, no cartwheels this week; guess all that "slow and steady" advice I've been getting is the way I'm going to have to go.
3. Another Shining Moment for the US Justice System
Plaxico Burress started serving his two-year sentence for shooting himself earlier this week.
While I certainly agree that his decision to bring a concealed, loaded handgun into a club was moronic, am I the only one who thinks this feels like if the cops showed up in 8 Mile and hauled Cheddar Bob off to the clink when he shot himself?
He's an idiot, not a threat to society...
4. All Things Considered, Business is Good
As much as I'm over-anxious and anti-patience, my move to writing about MMA has been outstanding and business is good.
In just shy of five months, I've gone from starting Keyboard Kimura as an outlet for myself to being syndicated on four strong sites, interviewing a number of talented fighters and MMA personalities and garnering well over 1,000 reads per day.
Even if nothing else changes between now and May, I'll easily break the 300,000 page views mark and that is pretty damn impressive if you ask me.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. I'm Not Quite Ready for Some Football
Slept through most of today's action, despite the fact that it was the opening weekend and I have five fantasy teams to keep tabs on.
Personally, I blame the first half of the Minnesota - Cleveland game and that unretiring bastard Brett Favre. Nothing exciting happened and the Vikes looked like they weren't planning on running the ball much, so I took a nap.
Wake up, AP has gone for 180 and three scores and I missed it all. I'll try to be more awake for next week.
2. Ryan Loco Has a Fitting Last Name
Most interviews I conduct last in the 15 - 20 minute range, stick to the script and leave me feeling like I did my job.
Talking to the star of The Loco Life took around an hour, went on several different tangents and left me feeling like I would have a couch to sleep on if I was ever stranded in Encinitas, California.
Oh... and the guy is totally off his rocker! When you've got 30 minutes to kill, go read the interview and get your daily dose of laughter.
3. Creativity is Dead in Hollywood
Confirmation came this week when I realized we're maybe a year away from their being nothing but remakes (Melrose Place, 90210) and multiple versions of the same show (CSI: Boise and NCIS: Wichita ... Coming Soon!) joining Reality TV left to watch.
Can no one come up with a decent, original idea these days? Do we really need to bring back Melrose Place?
Couldn't we have brought back something better?
4. August Promises Don't Pan Out in September
This should have come as no surprise, seeing as I was hired a year ago as a full-time bartender and have never had more than three shifts on the taps in a week, but the "we'll get you more shifts when so-and-so leaves" I heard in August have turned into two shifts a week for September.
Even better is that we keep bending over backwards and rewarding the people who need accommodating, while the guy who came in whenever he was called and does a good job 99 times out of 100 is no the Wednesday / Thursday day bartender.
Nothing like being able to make $40 over two days to help pay for a move...
5. Jay-Z is Still the Man
Don't believe me? Go out and get a hold of The Blueprint 3 or wait 'til Friday when "Run This Town" shows up in Soundtrack.
"D.O.A." stands for Death of Auto-Tune and is vintage Jay telling you what he thinks, whether it's what you want to hear or not.
Until he truly retires, Jay-Z is still the baddest MC in the game.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. What Time is It? Time to Get My Drank On!
This has been the most outstanding weekend in a long, long time and not just because we've all been various stages of hammered over the last 36 hours.
Whenever you ask Michelle what she wants to do, here response is "Get My Drank On!" and that is awesome. Despite the fact that it's narly 4:00 pm and the day hasn't really started yet due to last night's festivities, my suggestion that alcohol intake probably wouldn't happen to night was met with a resounding, "What?"
Expect drunken status updates on Facebook later.
2. The Dog Likes Advil
Don't worry, this is not information we found out while intoxified or anything like that. We did not feed the dog pain medicine.
He stole the bottle. Noisy, rattling things amuse him. Noisy, rattling things amusing him amuses all of us.
This is what happens when you've been getting your drank on for the better part of two days.
3. Deuce Answers the Phone at All Hours
My man Deuce lives in Newfoundland, three and a half hours ahead of us here in Kimberley. Despite this fact - which we were acutely aware of early this morning - we decided we missed him enough to call and tell him.
Five minutes after leaving our message, a surprisingly awake Deuce returned our call, laughing at the ridiculousness that is drunken Sarah, Michelle and Spencer.
Tim was passed out already by this point. We called Deuce because my clippers died right when we were preparing to shave comatosed Tim's legs...
4. eHarmony Isn't For Everyone
Believe it or not, you can be turned down by eHarmony. How miserable would that make you feel?
The fact that the process of joining eHarmony is very, very labor-intensive (I started yesterday after hearing the story and seeing their adds for a free communication weekend... and yes, my wife knew I was doing so) would just make this even more depressing.
You go through 487 questions and come up with, "Sorry, you're too picky and we don't have a single person who is compatible with you."
Yikes.
5. Getting Some Serious Readership
In non-boozy weekend news, this week has yielded a couple more syndication opportunities for my work at Keyboard Kimura, upping the number of readers I get per day and increasing my exposure even more.
What makes it even better is that neither offer came through the usual means (read: me begging someone to carry my work). Instead, they approached me and being the attention whore that I am, I said yes really quickly and patted myself on the back.
Slowly but surely, we're getting out there and going to be taking over the MMA world...
6. And Still Reigning Scrabble Champion...
Prior to getting mangled last night, we rocked a four-way game of Scrabble, which the wife was running away with.
That is, until I dropped "HISTORY" on the board with my last seven letters, landing on a double word score in addition to collecting my 50 bonus points.
You're winner and still reigning Scrabble Champion of the World...
P.S. I went undefeated in games last night, as Tim and I also won Cranium and he "lost" at very drunken game of Bullshit.
I'm out... time to get our drank on!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. I Must Learn Patience
No, this isn't a new revelation, as the topic of my lack of patience has made an appearance or two here over the years.
That being said, I spent the week talking to some people I greatly respect within the MMA industry and everyone said to be patient; take the small opportunities, make the most of them and keep putting out good work.
Eventually, good things will happen. So for now, we remain patient.
2. Pay Would Be Nice, But The Exposure is Great Too
Three weeks, four pieces posted to the MMA page of Sports Illustrated.
As much as I would love for someone to randomly drop into my life and offer me a fat salary for covering the sport, it's hard to argue with an opportunity to have thousands of readers checking out my material.
While it doesn't pad the wallet, it sure looks great on the resume.
3. Never Going to be Those Guys
Friday night's drunken morons in the bar solidified that while I certainly enjoyed my booze-fueled days of before, I have absolutely no interest in repeatedly revisiting them.
What makes it better is that these tools are mangled and telling tall tales in a Kelsey's... full of other dudes. Being a drunken moron is one thing, being a drunken moron at a massive sausage fest is even better, where better means funnier to the sober bartender.
Don't get me wrong: I still enjoy a few drinks (as I will this evening) but three day benders in a quiet little town like Kimberley aren't my idea of a good time.
4. The Wife is into MMA
While she didn't have much choice in the beginning, what with me prattling on about it all the time, now she's admittedly getting into it on her own... and that is awesome.
Watching the fights last night, she actually delivered a "Wow, that guy really has no wrestling or jiu jitsu whatsoever, huh?" when Chris Leben was getting dominated on the ground.
That's my girl!
5. Moving Update
Sarah has an interview on Friday and there are a couple different opportunities at the hospital she's been looking at, so that eliminates some of the worry.
Addditionally, we've now got some contacts out there who have assured us that work for me would be easy enough to find, as would an apartment, seeing as we're not students any more. Apparently, they really like hearing the words, "Oh, I'm a nurse."
Jackpot! See you in November Victoria...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. The Breakthrough is Coming
Call me crazy, but having two of my original articles appear on Sports Illustrated's MMA & Boxing page in a seven day span is a positive step.
In under four months, Keyboard Kimura and my work as an MMA writer have grown exponentially, thanks in large part to my willingness to shamelessly self-promote wherever I can, but also because the level of work continues to climb.
After what feels like an eternity of spinning my tires and not being overly excited about what I was writing, things are finally starting to take shape and I've found my niche. All that's missing is a regular paycheck.
2. Hello, My Name is Sally
What the hell has happened to me? I used to be able to go out and drink myself stupid, get a couple hours of comatose-like sleep and be ready to take on the world.
Now, a long night of work leaves me laying on the couch in a heap for the better part of the day. When did I become such a Sally?
Granted, I did tend bar at a wedding for 12 hours last night,working into the wee hours of the morning, and getting to sleep at 4:00, but how in the name of all things right with the world can I remain totally sober and still feel like a complete and utter sack of hammers?
Even I want to make fun of me.
3. Four Months? Already?
Happy Anniversary Mrs. Kyte!
How it's already been 1/3 of a year is beyond me, but believe me, I'm not complaining. Well, not right now. I'm sure I will later, probably about something inconsequential.
4. Continuing to Excel at the Completely Meaningless
Last week I told you about the outstanding seasons my Fantasy Baseball teams are putting together, building momentum as the playoffs approach.
Since September is rolling around, that means one things: Football. As such, a couple Fantasy Football drafts have already been completed and while one didn't go as well as I would have liked, I will say right now, before a single meaningful snap has taken place that one of my teams - Team Canada (original, I know...) - will absolutely dominate this season.
And to the victor goes... absolutely nothing. Why must I be good at totally useless things?
5. The Word Star Gets Thrown Around Awful Liberally These Days
There is no more perfect example than this Ryan Jenkins guy who has apparently fled here to Canada after murdering his girlfriend.
They keep referring to him as a Reality TV Star. Funny, I've never heard to this murderous douchebag. Turns out he's on some VH-1 Bachelorette rip-off, which makes him the equivalent of one of the love interests of Tila Tequila and we all know what kind of superstars we're dealing with there.
If he's a star, what do people who are famous and talented now get qualified as? Mega-stars? Superstars?
6. I Need to Write for TV
Why? Apparently there is an insane lack of talent, forcing networks to move forward with such wonderful fall additions as:
By the way, when did it become okay for the guy in the wheelchair to be the center of all the jokes?
Did I miss a memo or something?
He's a paraplegic, so smashing him in the legs with a door is funny because he can't feel it... really?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. Cris Cyborg Might Be An Actual Cyborg
And that is a very scary prospect for any female looking to make a name for herself in the Strikeforce 145 lbs. division, because the champ is just 24 and an assassin inside the cage.
I thought Gina Carano would be able to stick and move and use technique to counter Cyborg's power. I learned that there is no real counter to Cyborg's power, other than getting smashed in the face so much that the ref mercifully calls an end to things.
And don't feel bad for Carano either; I'm sure there are hundreds of guys will to help nurse her back to health.
2. The Flu Sucks Balls!
I had two days off this week and spent 75% of that time on the couch alternating between being freezing cold and sweating my ass off. How one man can sweat through six shirts in 24 hours is beyond me.
Though I've been feeling better the last couple days, I'm clearly not back to full strength yet either; I won't tell you how I know this other than to inform you I'm still doing a great amount of reading each day on a porcelain reading chair...
3. All This Shameless Self-Promotion is Paying Off
Friday and Saturday, your favorite writer was featured on the MMA page of Sports Illustrated thanks to a well-written little preview from Bleacher Report. I know I've said it before, but that site has been a godsend.
If that isn't cool enough, an emerging organization called the MMA Fight Council contacted me to become a part of their Writer's Guild. It's a collection of some of the best talents in the MMA field... and me.
Now if I could just find some way to make a little money out of all this.
4. The Next Move is Coming Together
Finally some good news for my wife!
By the sounds of things, a move to Victoria and an opportunity at a much more enjoyable position at a much more structured and supported hospital is not much more than a formality.
While it means we have to once again box up all of our worldly possessions, that is a worthy hassle for a chance for Sarah to have the enjoyment of a job the same way I do with all my writing endeavours.
Plus, there is actual shopping and restaurants in Victoria... no more 90 minute drives for sushi!
5. I'm Good At Things That Don't Make Me Money
In addition to being an outstanding volunteer writer, I'm also quite adept at playing Fantasy sports.
All four of my baseball teams reside at or near the top of their respective divisions, with the two that are outside of first place being the hottest teams around and poised to make a move down the stretch.
And now it's time to get started on Fantasy Football, with Draft #1 taking place on Tuesday night.
I really need to find some hobbies that pay better.
6. If You're A Guy and You Don't Love I Love You, Man You Have to Surrender Your Testicles
It's just so awesome. I would argue there isn't a guy around who can't watch that movie and name two friends, one for each role, and remember numerous instances from the movie that happened in their own life.
And it does it without being horribly cheesy and cliche like most movies. Additionally, once we buy a house and actually settle down somewhere, I'm building a man cave like Jason Segel's.
No word yet on whether or not it will have a Masturbation Station.
You're welcome for that...
I'll end there...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. 24 Hours Just Isn't Enough
Sleep surely takes up anywhere from four to nine of those hours. Usually it's somewhere in the middle, like six. 18 hours left to my own devices may sound like plenty of time, but really, it's not enough. Not when you drop in a shift at work - anywhere from two to seven hours - and time doing domestic duties like washing the dishes, preparing meals and spending quality time with The Missus.
A day like today is the perfect example. Sarah's at work, which means dinner is on me. Additionally, I have a ton of writing to do, but a shift opening the bar also beckons, a shift that quite frequently turns into getting home six hours after I left. Mix in walking the dog before and after work and I'm left with a two or three hour window at best to get my work done.
Bottom line: I need another two or three hours in the day ... or someone to pay me to write so I don't have to go to work any more.
2. I Have Limited Abilities at Predicting the Future
Unfortunately, they're limited to knowing when certain people won't show up for work, not anything useful like lottery numbers or what the next big money-making invention the world will stupidly scoop up in massive quantities like the ShamWow is going to be.
Thankfully, I'm smart enough to use this gift to my benefit, getting out in front of the call-ins I know will happen to ensure that my phone doesn't ring as the desperate scramble to cover the vacated shift goes down.
3. Fedor to the UFC Isn't Happening
Honestly, this one really bummed me out for a couple days.
You would think that with the demise of Affliction, the UFC would be a slam dunk for the dominant Russian heavyweight; the organization with the deepest pockets and best collection of fighters to challenge the man on an eight-year winning streak.
Not so much. Too many hurdles and too much animosity and mistrust between all the parties have led to Fedor remaining a pseudo-free agent and the UFC all but washing their hands of trying to lure him into the fold.
This is precisely why I refuse to recognize him as the best Pound-for-Pound fighter on the planet: he doesn't really want to fight the best guys out there.
4. How Do You Not See This?
Read an article in this month's GQ about a Wisconsin high school student who convinced the boys in his school he was a girl over Facebook and got them to send him intimate snapshots if you will, only to turn around and use said pictures to blackmail them into having various relations with him.
The article is outstanding, right up until the moral outrage of the parents and the shocking reaction they have to the lack of trauma this has caused "the victims." I use quotes not to diminish the situation, but how much of a victim are you if you're the one snapping the self-portraits and sending them off to random "girls" over Facebook?
Open your eyes parents: these aren't your childhood years! Your 13-year-old knows more about sex now than you did at 21 and there is at least a 50/50 chance that he or she has already gone around the bases a time or two.
And don't blame TV and movies either; it's as much your fault as it is the cast of Friends or various Hollywood hits.
5. I Might Be Getting Married Again
No, Sarah and I haven't gotten divorced and yes, we're technically married, but it turns out the process of getting that made legal here in Canada could end up being more hassle than just having a second quickie ceremony at City Hall might be.
After all, it's not like you can just start checking the "Married" box on applications and forms without some kind of legal record of said marriage being on file somewhere. Translating our Spanish documents and going through the various steps on that path could be costly and lengthy, whereas standing in front of a Justice of the Peace and exchanging "I Do's" a second time would be quick and painless, not to mention a funny story for down the road.
I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. Kenny Florian is a Good Dude and I Can Make Him Laugh
On very short notice Friday, I was given the opportunity to interview the #1 contender for the UFC Lightweight championship and after stuttering and stammering my way through the first five minutes, I asked him if he got into any trouble while training in Montreal with GSP.
He broke out laughing and I calmed right down. The rest of the interview was smooth sailing, including a few more bouts of laughter at my insightful / ridiculous line of questions and comments. Being able to make interviewees laugh is something very important in my line of work (I think), so this was a very good day.
2. Everything Evens Out
Remember that old Seinfeld episode - the one where Jerry says everything in his life always evens out and balance is maintained? As it turns out, the same applies to my careers. When one is in the pooper, the other is off the charts and vice versa.
Since you now know I interviewed one of the very best fighters on the face of the Earth this week, that should tell you where things are at with Kelsey's. If things keep going as they have been, I might actually punch a colleague or two pretty soon.
3. Kenny Florian Isn't My Only Interview
As mentioned Thursday, I've also secured Canadian Krzysztof Soszynski for sometime later this week. Additionally, I'm getting off my ass and trying to convince TSN to do the same and bring in someone (read: me!) as an MMA writer / columnist / expert so that "Canada's Sports Leader" is adequately covering the fastest growing sport in the world.
4. The NFL is a Joke
Not in total, but if they actually suspend Michael Vick for four more games, Commissioner Roger Goddell will have lost my respect. While that certainly won't make him sleep uneasy at night, the fact that the league is punishing Vick again is ridiculous and not just because Terrell Owens says so. Dude already missed an entire year... why does he deserve four more games?
5. I've Got a Little Redneck in Me
How else do you explain me chugging cans of ice cold Old Milwaukee this week? And it's not like someone gave it to me either... I bought it with my own money! Two words - hill... wait for it... wait for it... billy!
6. I Couldn't Be Amish
The power went out for 90 minutes here tonight and I was stuck wondering what to do with myself. No television, no computer, no stove to cook on; what do you expect me to do - talk to the wife? After barbecuing ourselves a pizza, we started to read. Thankfully, the power came back on shortly thereafter, preventing any unnecessary intelligence intake.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. This Place Confuses Me
Last week was Accordion Fest, this week is Julyfest, highlighted by drunken bocce ball. How are either of these big draws? It's not like there is a massive bocce league here either; this is a one-off weekend of excitement before the lawn bowling gear goes back in the garage. So very, very weird to me...
2. I'm Glad I'm Old
Seeing all the insanity up here this weekend, not to mention colleagues coming to work hung to the gills or worse, I'm pretty glad that my "drink-til-you-puke" days are far behind me. While I still like to sip a few suds on the deck or around a fire, getting wasted until the middle of the morning has no appeal to me whatsoever. Hell, I was in bed at 11:00 last night!
3. My Dog is Sick
I don't know what I'm going to do when I have kids and they're sick, because Cool Hand Luke has a cold and I don't want to leave his side. The poor bastard was puking and hacking yesterday and there is nothing I can do. Can you imagine how helpless I'm going to feel with kids?
4. The Amount I Write Surprises People
I've been on Bleacher Report for 23 days and in that time, I've published 37 articles. Apparently that's a lot because my profile wall is covered in congratulatory comments about "really cranking them out" and being "on a tear" and whatnot. I don't see the big deal. I write Keyboard Kimura every day, it gets imported to Bleacher Report, easy as that. Maybe I've mixed in a couple more original pieces here and there, but really, I still think I'm being kind of lazy.
5. Should This Writing Thing Not Work Out
I'm really going to buy a bar and make millions. I even know where I'm going to put it. Right here in Kimberley! This town is in serious need of a classier joint where you can get great food, sit on a nice patio and not have last call come at 11:45 p.m. and one of these days, someone else is going to realize that and make themselves a whole whack of cash.
That's about it for this week.
Time to walk the sick little dog and then head off to work... Happy Sunday, bitches!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
1. My Resort Doesn't Like Customers
How else can you explain the (a) lack of ability to show the UFC fight cards in our bar at Kelsey's and (b) lack of advertising around the fact that the golf course we operate in conjunction with apparently having UFC 100 last night? The local dive was packed so tight that Sarah and I couldn't find a seat, yet our bar was completely empty. Super.
2. UFC 100 Kicked Ass
Last night's centennial UFC event, though actually UFC 105 if you're counting, was awesome and led me to bring 10 Things over to Keyboard Kimura this morning. Go read the piece to get all my thoughts.
3. Back to the Drawing Board for Baby Names
For two years, Sarah and I have agreed that we were naming our daughter, should we have one, Charlie. Found out yesterday that my brother and his wife have selected that name for their soon-to-be-born daughter. We're always one step behind those two and it's getting ridiculous.
4. I Have No Time for Complainers
Walking the pug this AM, a lady who owns a place up here, but lives in Calgary was out back bitching about the hike in condo fees and whatnot associated with owning her condo here. Does it suck that you're being asked to pay more for a vacation home here than you pay for your mortgage in Calgary? Maybe, but you have a vacation home! Cry me a river... and for once I'm not talking Justin Timberlake.
5. Hello, Hip Hop?
It's me, Spencer. I need you to make an appearance on the popular music scene once again and I'm not talking about your current incarnations like The Black Eyed Peas or Soulja Boy. I'm talking to you Talib Kweli and you Mos Def. Call The Roots, tell them to quit doing Jimmy Fallon and put some serious and legit Hip Hop back on the airwaves or you're going to put me on indefinite hiatus from the music I love.
6. Another Move is in the Works
Not quite sure when and not quite sure where to just yet, but we're definitely getting out of Kimberley sometime soon. As beautiful as it is here, Sarah's job isn't anywhere near as fulfilling and rewarding originally anticipated and since I can do my thing anywhere, why not load up and ship off somewhere that we would actually like to settle down long-term?
That's it for this week's new nuggets of knowledge.
See you back here for more Albert next Sunday.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
Notice the title isn't 10 Things I Learned This Week ... the winds of change are blowing through iBlog.
1. I Should Have Been Posting on Bleacher Report Months Ago
The only way to build a following is to get your work to the greatest number of people imaginable and see what happens. That was my reasoning for starting to post on Bleacher Report; that and syndication on CNNSI, but still. In the short period of time I've been there, my work is getting read with increased frequency and comments are pouring in. And Press Credentials have already been offered to me too ...
2. Truly Freelance
Not only am I a freelance writer, turns out I'm a freelance bartender as well. Worked a wedding last night for a friend of my boss and in the process, I picked up another wedding for the same crowd later in the summer. Even if its half as easy and half as lucrative as last night, it will surely be better than a night at Kelsey's.
3. My Dog is Growing Up
He sleeps in his own bed now, without quarrel and without being forcibly directed to his kennel. In other news, my wife and I can actually cuddle in bed again for the first time in over a year.
4. Getting Closer to Completion
My man Newt has been working on a site for me for some time now and we're getting close to breaking it out. It'll be a one-stop shopping center for all things E. Spencer Kyte, including both iBlog and Keyboard Kimura. Hopefully we'll be rolling it out soon.
5. Booster Juice Might Bump Starbucks for the Summer
I love coffee, but summer is a time for refreshing, not overly-caffeinated hot beverages, so a switch to Booster Juice stops before running around in Cranbrook could be in order. Not only is it a more refreshing and cooling choice, the store is right there across the parking lot from SuperStore meaning we use less gas. For the record, Brazilian Thunder is the pick.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
10 Things I Learned This Week
1. No Point in Complaining
I bitch about a lot of things. I bitch about work, I bitch about the shitty job other people do at work and I bitch about just about anything that makes me mad on a given day. I've come to realize that there is absolutely no point. Nothing changes - work is still just okay, nobody makes the slackers work any harder and the rest of the headaches and frustrations aren't going to change because I want them to. So from here on out, Spencer Kyte is now 50% less bitchy!
2. Off to Staples We Go
The weekly groceries run into Cranbrook will have an additional stop on the itinerary today. I need to hit Staples and get them to print several copies of my book proposal. Yes, I'm done and moving to the next step. I can't actually tell you how nervous -slash - excited this makes me. Think positive thoughts.
3. Clay Guida is My New Favorite Fighter
First, he took a massive headkick and pretty much bounced right back up. Then, he took some nasty elbows while in Diego Sanchez' guard and stayed there. At the end of the fight, dude was bouncing around like he could go two more rounds (which would have been awesome). Add the crazy caveman hair and you have one fun fighter to watch, win or lose.
4. Kobe > Shaq
Yeah, I said it and I challenge anyone who disagrees to a debate on the subject in the comments section. Shaq hasn't won anything without a strong #2; he had Kobe riding shotgun in the City of Angels and Flash leading the way in Miaimi. While Pau Gasol is nice, Kobe did most of this on his own and that puts him ahead of the big fella. One last thing: Kobe is one of the Top 5 ever. EVER.
5. Mainstream Sports Media is Ridiculous
I know you can't always be talking about the tough stuff, but how so much time can be spent discussing steroids in baseball and the US Open while the Donte Stallworth situation got one day of play is beyond me. Yes, we need diversions in life and sports certainly provides that break from the bad, but if you'll talk about Sammy Sosa testing positive six years ago for an entire week, why not address something that actually matters for more than 10 minutes?
6. You Need to See Taken
Watched this during the week with the wife and man was it awesome. All kinds of good here. I loved that Liam Neeson was the lead and not some hulked up, macho doofus and I loved that everything that his character did exactly what you would have expected him to do, right down to... I won't spoil it for you, but lemme just say that it was nice to see a movie that stayed true to the way things would actually go from start to finish.
7. Some People are Awful Defensive
Earlier in the week, I left a message on a friend's Facebook wall reminding her that in comparison to Toronto, Kimberley sucks. A couple of my bosses at work took exception to that and busted my balls about it the next time they saw me, with one telling me to move already if I hate it so much. Scenery and nature are great, but the fact that my shopping choices are WalMart or Superstore is all I need to say. I never thought the day would come when I was dying to go to Old Navy and American Eagle!
8. A Lot of Adult Dating Sites are Twittering!
As I've mentioned before, I tweet and each time I sign on, I check to see who is following me. Generally speaking, if you're following me, I'll follow you, simple as that. The exception to that rule are the countless Adult Dating Sites that pop up in my list for a couple days before the Twitter Police remove their accounts. Nothing like being excited to have another person follow my work only to find out it's some Spam-alicious "find a friend in your town tonight" site...
9. Gotta Love Mothers...
I was talking to mine yesterday and mentioned that I once again have a mohawk. Not a ultra-big, dyed pink, punk rock rules mohawk, more of a faux-hawk really, as I still have hair on both sides and it's maybe an inch when spiked. Anyway, as soon as the words came out of my mouth it was like I was 14 again. "Spencer, what are you doing? Why would you do something like that?" and on and on about making smart choices and all the things parents tell their kids... when they're actually children. That being said, I wouldn't change her for the world!
10. This is Getting Harder and Harder Each Week
Honestly, I don't know if I learn 10 things that are worth writing about every week. Maybe we'll cut it down to seven starting next week... or five... or just do something else entirely... have to see.
Monday, June 15, 2009
10 Things I Learned This Week
1. Volunteering Sucks
I know this is a horrible thing to say, but hear me out. I don't actually mind volunteering myself - after all, I do more "volunteer" work than most people I know - but for a lot of people, volunteer means work until you're ready to leave, not until the job is done. Three hours of taking down Relay for Life later, my back is mangled.
2. Flat When It Mattered Most
Congratulations to Sid the Kid and the rest of the Pittsburgh Penguins. The better team truly did win. Watching Game 7, I couldn't believe my veteran Red Wings came out so flat and lethargic when it mattered most. Runner-up isn't that bad ...
3. For an MMA Writer, I Sure Don't Watch Much MMA
Once again, a UFC pay-per-view took place over the weekend and I was not in front of a television screaming for one of my picks to start performing better. The last card I actually sat and watched "live" was UFC 94 when GSP clobbered BJ Penn. That being said, I'm not missing UFC 100.
4. What's Shaq Going to Rap About Now?
Kobe got his ring without the assistance of The Big Diesel, so now what? Nothing, probably, except maybe a trade to Cleveland for Shaq which would make all the basketball writers in the world start talking about a Lakers - Cavs / Kobe - Shaq & LeBron final for the next 365 days.
5. Relocation Update
So I think we're staying here for the time being. Leaving any time soon just doesn't make financial sense and I mean, why not enjoy our summer as opposed to slugging freight across Canada once again? We're still looking, but just not as intently right now.
6. Happy 55th Battle Axe!
Not that she reads iBlog, but yesterday was my mom's 55th birthday. Yes, I called her Battle Axe. I call her many things. The one I call her most - though not when she's in earshot - is best friend. She annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but ol' Faye (yes, another nickname) is pretty great. Don't tell her I said that.
7. Busy, Busy, Busy
Five shifts at Kelsey's including a couple "Clopens" - close one night, open the next morning, grand total of about 10 hours between the two - along with four sites to write for as much as possible, a great article / feature to prep and, oh right, the book to finish prepping and get sent out. That doesn't even take into account the state of disrepair this house is currently in either...
8. Television Sucks
Maybe the more appropriate thing to say is Summer television sucks. There is nothing that I want to watch. All my favs (House, Grey's, Law & Order, SVU) are all in repeats and the summer programming is brutal. I've even grown sick of Iron Chef America re-runs and House Hunters International. Maybe I should go to the library and get some books to read?
9. Speaking of Libraries...
It's pronounced library, not libary and it frustrates me when people say otherwise. No, not fustrates - frustrates. Bad grammar and pronunciation drives me mental and there has been a whole lot of it around me in the last seven days.
10. The Head-Shaving Has Stopped
After more than a year of continuously not having hair for more than 10 days at a time, I've stopped shaving my head... sort of. The mohawk is back, baby and better than ever!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Come Back Tomorrow ...
18 hours at Relay for Life have me ready to do one thing and one thing only...
SLEEP!
10 Things I Learned This Week will be back in full force tomorrow, just so everyone gets their weekly Albert fix.
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