Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Rundown: Celebrities in Playboy

Tennis "star" Ashley Harkleroad's Playboy pictorial hit newsstands yesterday.

Harkleroad is a US tennis player ranked somewhere between 50 and 100 in the world rankings - #61 to be exact - has won a grand total of zero WTA events in her career and is nowhere near the top of anyone's list of female tennis players who should be posing for Playboy.

In case you were wondering, that list is:

1. Ana Ivanovic (pictured)
2. Daniella Hantuchova
3. Maria Sharpova
4. Nicole Vaidisova
5. Jelena Dokic

Anywho, her being in Playboy got me thinking and not about which female athletes should dare to be bare in the pages of Playboy (Ivanovic, Sasha Cohen, Danica Patrick, Natalie Gulbis and Jennie Finch) but about which "celebrities" should have definitely kept the clothes on and let us never, ever see them naked.

Top Five Worst "Celebrity" Playboy Models

5. Deborah Gibson (March 2005)
Not that she was unattractive, but Deborah Gibson was Debbie Gibson to me and a million other kids who grew up in the 80's. She was Teen Pop Royalty long before the Britneys and Christinas came around and seeing her who-haas in Hef's mag just sullied the lasting image of crappy dance moves burned in my head from her Electric Youth video.

4. Shannon Doherty (March 1994 and December 2003)
Double points for Brenda for getting her naked ass in the pages of Playboy twice and nearly ten years apart at that too. But here's the thing: I guess some people find her attractive, kinda in the same way that some guys like Butch-looking chicks who can bench 650 at the gym and drink nothing but protein shakes. Personally, if I wanted to see that much pasty white skin, I wouldn't have to shell out for a magazine - I could just take off my shirt.

3. Carnie Wilson (August 2003)
This one is bad to me on a couple levels: One, regardless of what she looks like today, Carnie Wilson will always and forever be "The Fat One" from Wilson Phillips, the same way that Jerry O'Connell will always be "The Fat One" from Stand By Me. Actually, now he's "That goofy motherfucker that somehow managed to marry Rebecca Romijn," but whatever. The other reason I don't like this one is the message of "Hey, now that I had thousands of dollars of surgery after eating myself near death I'm proud of my body and want to show it off." You know, not stuffing yourself full of Ding Dongs in the first place would have worked too...

2. LaToya Jackson (A long, long time ago...)
She's related to Michael which instantly makes her creepy. Couple that with the fact that it's not Janet, it involved a snake if I remember correctly and she spent time extolling the virtues of The Psychic Friends Network and you have a trifecta of terrible.

1. Chyna / Joanie Lauer / Chyna Doll (November 2000 and January 2002)
Another double up, whatevershescallingherselfthesedays earns top spot for a number of reasons: (1) she's that Butch-type I mentioned earlier and that's a little creepy to begin with (in my books), (b) there were a whole host of hot chicks in the WWF/E at the time that I would have much rather seen naked (that came later though...) and furthermore she has a gigantic clitoris that looks like a little penis and seeing it scared me for life. Trust me - you want to take my advice on this one. Do not go looking for the pictures on the Internet. If you do, you only have yourself to blame.

1 comment:

Newt said...

hahaha... trifecta of terrible. Now thats funny!