Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Rundown: Are You A Skeet?

Some of you may not be familiar with the term skeet.

You've heard of Skeet Shooting and, well, skeet shooting and maybe you even remember Skeet Ulrich.

But what exactly is a skeet?

A skeet is an amalgam of all things low class and uncouth in the world.

Our dear friend Cletus Del Roy Spuckler (pictured) is a redneck skeet, but let me assure you that skeetdom knows no boundaries.

You can have redneck skeets like Cletus, little wannabe gangsta skeets, grown-up Nascar-loving skeets and on and on. Age isn't an issue either, as there are just as many 12-year-old skeets as there are 40-year-old residents of Skeetville.

In fact, you may have been aware of skeets all along. Maybe you just called them something else: rednecks, hillbillies, trailer trash, Britney Spears, tools... you get the point.

No matter what you call them, there are certainly surefire signs to being a skeet.

Top Five Signs You Might Be A Skeet

5. When Your Outfit Consists of Track Pants, Crocs and a Dirty Tank Top... With Your Pregnant Belly Sticking Out
When Jennifer Aniston did it as Rachel Green in Season 8 of Friends, it got a big laugh. But here is a little tip: if you're not Jennifer Aniston, reconsider the wardrobe. Sadly, some people haven't gotten the message. We saw one such unfortunate sole strolling through Wal-Mart this weekend. As an aside, if you want to see the biggest collection of skeets under one roof, hit up your local Wal-Mart* on a Saturday afternoon...

4. Telling Complete Strangers Intimate Details of Your Life
Like, say, that the 18-month-old in your arms was an accident? Who does this? Skeets, that's who. There is no social tact, no understanding that that information isn't something to be shared with the couple you just met, firstly because it's private and kind of personal and secondly because we're only here to see if we can adopt your dog, not get to know you and become friends. Bonus points for mentioning nuggets like this in front of your other children too.

3. Vocabulary
Do you axe people questions? Do you enjoy reading at the libary? Do you say fuck more than any other word regardless of whether you're talking to a close friend or a complete stranger? These are just some of the signs that indicate you very well could be a skeet. Everyone uses slang and has colloquialisms that they share with their friends, but skeets have only this. Basic grammar and sentence structure are radical concepts; thinking "gangsterdom" is a real word on the other hand...

2. The Cigarette Test
Is your favourite brand Other Peoples? Do you use the words, "Gotta smoke, brother?" on a regular basis? When met with, "No, sorry this is my last one" do you reply, "Cool, can I have a draw?" Do you smoke simply because you think it makes you look cool and not because you can't get enough of that sweet, sweet nicotine like the rest of us? Welcome to Skeetville, Population You.

1. Other People's Reactions to You
When you're out in public, do people regularly give you the once over and not in that, "Hey, they're checking me out" sort of way? Is it more like a "Wow, can you believe he/she is wearing that?" or "Is that not the best mullet you've seen in a long time?" type of fashion? Sorry to burst your bubble... You're a skeet.

* Nothing against Wal-Mart; I like the place, but seriously, read this post, stroll through there on a Saturday afternoon and tell me I'm wrong!

1 comment:

Adele said...

I love Skeet Ulrich -- he's gorgeous. Like a younger taller Depp.