Gerard Butler Gave My Wife a Nickname

Nicknames are a key component of being a member of The Kyte Family.

Everyone has one, sometimes regardless of whether they like it or know it. Some people, myself included, have multiple nicknames. You can't just be the name on your driver's license; that's just too boring.

Additionally, you can't just pick something and attempt to run with it. A nickname must be bestowed upon you for it to work. My mom and I are shining examples of that.

My mother, Carol, hasn't been called Carol by either me or Pete in years. We call her Faye, as do a lot of people, thanks to us.

Way back when, Pete and I watched this movie, A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon, and the father was this abrasive alcohol who screamed about something every time he came home from drinking. The target of his tirades?

His wife ... Faye.

Twenty years later, she's still Faye, and a few other things.

Me? I'm Sherman.

Have been since Grade 11 or so, thanks to a horse racing friend named Keith Oliver and the last reasonably entertaining Eddie Murphy movie, The Nutty Professor.

For those who don't remember, the lead character's name is Sherman Klump, a rotund scientist with a fondness for food. Keith, whose nickname is Redman, saw said film and thought I bore a strong resemblance to the Eddie Murphy's character.

The exact quote was "Every time I see you, you just keep getting fatter and fatter. (Laughs) You're like that fuckin' Nutty Professor! (Laughs) What are you doin' Sherman?" Laughter filled the shed row, the comedy was explained to Pete and a nickname was born.

In fact, my friend Cornflake's mom - whose nickname is Ma Bell - used to introduce me to people as "Pete's brother Sherman," thinking it was my actual given name.

Which brings us to Gerard Butler and my beautiful wife.

For the nearly three years we've been together, we've been trying to come up with a nickname for Sarah. We being me and Faye. She's tried to force a couple lousy ideas on her, but nothing has stuck.

Last night, Sarah and I settled in to watch P.S. I Love You, laughing through the opening scene that is actually quite reminiscent of some of the moronic arguments and fights that we have.

She's the worrying, panicked, "What if it all doesn't work out?" type and I'm, according to the movie, "the care-free Irish guy who sings all the time."

At the climax of the fight, Gerard Butler storms out of the house, frustrated with his wife's ridiculous worries and word-twisting, angrily exclaiming, "Crazy bitch pain in me hole" on his way out the door.

And thus, a nickname was born.

Now, I can't rightfully use that in public to get my wife's attention; parents will be offended if their children are in range and females everywhere will slap me before hearing the explanation. At that point, it's too late anyway.

But PIHM works real well.

Full name, C.B. Pihm, as in Crazy Bitch Pain In Me Hole, but shortening it to just Pihm works well enough for me.

I love you Sarah, even if sometimes Sarah goes away and C.B. Pihm takes her place ...

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. No Point in Complaining
I bitch about a lot of things. I bitch about work, I bitch about the shitty job other people do at work and I bitch about just about anything that makes me mad on a given day. I've come to realize that there is absolutely no point. Nothing changes - work is still just okay, nobody makes the slackers work any harder and the rest of the headaches and frustrations aren't going to change because I want them to. So from here on out, Spencer Kyte is now 50% less bitchy!

2. Off to Staples We Go
The weekly groceries run into Cranbrook will have an additional stop on the itinerary today. I need to hit Staples and get them to print several copies of my book proposal. Yes, I'm done and moving to the next step. I can't actually tell you how nervous -slash - excited this makes me. Think positive thoughts.


3. Clay Guida is My New Favorite Fighter
First, he took a massive headkick and pretty much bounced right back up. Then, he took some nasty elbows while in Diego Sanchez' guard and stayed there. At the end of the fight, dude was bouncing around like he could go two more rounds (which would have been awesome). Add the crazy caveman hair and you have one fun fighter to watch, win or lose.

4. Kobe > Shaq
Yeah, I said it and I challenge anyone who disagrees to a debate on the subject in the comments section. Shaq hasn't won anything without a strong #2; he had Kobe riding shotgun in the City of Angels and Flash leading the way in Miaimi. While Pau Gasol is nice, Kobe did most of this on his own and that puts him ahead of the big fella. One last thing: Kobe is one of the Top 5 ever. EVER.

5. Mainstream Sports Media is Ridiculous
I know you can't always be talking about the tough stuff, but how so much time can be spent discussing steroids in baseball and the US Open while the Donte Stallworth situation got one day of play is beyond me. Yes, we need diversions in life and sports certainly provides that break from the bad, but if you'll talk about Sammy Sosa testing positive six years ago for an entire week, why not address something that actually matters for more than 10 minutes?

6. You Need to See Taken
Watched this during the week with the wife and man was it awesome. All kinds of good here. I loved that Liam Neeson was the lead and not some hulked up, macho doofus and I loved that everything that his character did exactly what you would have expected him to do, right down to... I won't spoil it for you, but lemme just say that it was nice to see a movie that stayed true to the way things would actually go from start to finish.

7. Some People are Awful Defensive
Earlier in the week, I left a message on a friend's Facebook wall reminding her that in comparison to Toronto, Kimberley sucks. A couple of my bosses at work took exception to that and busted my balls about it the next time they saw me, with one telling me to move already if I hate it so much. Scenery and nature are great, but the fact that my shopping choices are WalMart or Superstore is all I need to say. I never thought the day would come when I was dying to go to Old Navy and American Eagle!

8. A Lot of Adult Dating Sites are Twittering!
As I've mentioned before, I tweet and each time I sign on, I check to see who is following me. Generally speaking, if you're following me, I'll follow you, simple as that. The exception to that rule are the countless Adult Dating Sites that pop up in my list for a couple days before the Twitter Police remove their accounts. Nothing like being excited to have another person follow my work only to find out it's some Spam-alicious "find a friend in your town tonight" site...

9. Gotta Love Mothers...
I was talking to mine yesterday and mentioned that I once again have a mohawk. Not a ultra-big, dyed pink, punk rock rules mohawk, more of a faux-hawk really, as I still have hair on both sides and it's maybe an inch when spiked. Anyway, as soon as the words came out of my mouth it was like I was 14 again. "Spencer, what are you doing? Why would you do something like that?" and on and on about making smart choices and all the things parents tell their kids... when they're actually children. That being said, I wouldn't change her for the world!

10. This is Getting Harder and Harder Each Week
Honestly, I don't know if I learn 10 things that are worth writing about every week. Maybe we'll cut it down to seven starting next week... or five... or just do something else entirely... have to see.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Volunteering Sucks
I know this is a horrible thing to say, but hear me out. I don't actually mind volunteering myself - after all, I do more "volunteer" work than most people I know - but for a lot of people, volunteer means work until you're ready to leave, not until the job is done. Three hours of taking down Relay for Life later, my back is mangled.

2. Flat When It Mattered Most
Congratulations to Sid the Kid and the rest of the Pittsburgh Penguins. The better team truly did win. Watching Game 7, I couldn't believe my veteran Red Wings came out so flat and lethargic when it mattered most. Runner-up isn't that bad ...


3. For an MMA Writer, I Sure Don't Watch Much MMA
Once again, a UFC pay-per-view took place over the weekend and I was not in front of a television screaming for one of my picks to start performing better. The last card I actually sat and watched "live" was UFC 94 when GSP clobbered BJ Penn. That being said, I'm not missing UFC 100.

4. What's Shaq Going to Rap About Now?
Kobe got his ring without the assistance of The Big Diesel, so now what? Nothing, probably, except maybe a trade to Cleveland for Shaq which would make all the basketball writers in the world start talking about a Lakers - Cavs / Kobe - Shaq & LeBron final for the next 365 days.

5. Relocation Update
So I think we're staying here for the time being. Leaving any time soon just doesn't make financial sense and I mean, why not enjoy our summer as opposed to slugging freight across Canada once again? We're still looking, but just not as intently right now.

6. Happy 55th Battle Axe!
Not that she reads iBlog, but yesterday was my mom's 55th birthday. Yes, I called her Battle Axe. I call her many things. The one I call her most - though not when she's in earshot - is best friend. She annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but ol' Faye (yes, another nickname) is pretty great. Don't tell her I said that.

7. Busy, Busy, Busy
Five shifts at Kelsey's including a couple "Clopens" - close one night, open the next morning, grand total of about 10 hours between the two - along with four sites to write for as much as possible, a great article / feature to prep and, oh right, the book to finish prepping and get sent out. That doesn't even take into account the state of disrepair this house is currently in either...

8. Television Sucks
Maybe the more appropriate thing to say is Summer television sucks. There is nothing that I want to watch. All my favs (House, Grey's, Law & Order, SVU) are all in repeats and the summer programming is brutal. I've even grown sick of Iron Chef America re-runs and House Hunters International. Maybe I should go to the library and get some books to read?

9. Speaking of Libraries...
It's pronounced library, not libary and it frustrates me when people say otherwise. No, not fustrates - frustrates. Bad grammar and pronunciation drives me mental and there has been a whole lot of it around me in the last seven days.

10. The Head-Shaving Has Stopped
After more than a year of continuously not having hair for more than 10 days at a time, I've stopped shaving my head... sort of. The mohawk is back, baby and better than ever!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. WE'RE GETTING GIZMO!
Mid-week we thought there was no chance the cutest ugly dog in the world would be joining the family, as all we had heard was that the kids were having a hard time with maybe losing the dog. Sarah even took to looking for other dogs. Then, the email came... Gizmo the Jug is coming home!

2. Bugs & Cranks is Dead
Our site has been down for the last three or four days and it feels like something is missing from my life. Our head honcho Jesse is doing some upgrades and changing servers, so I know we'll be back in business shortly, but with B&C down it takes two parts of my daily computer routine out of the picture - checking Bugs and my Bugs emails - and since I'm all about routines, this has thrown me way outta sync.

3. Best Customers Ever
So we were swamped last night at The Cookhouse - as was to be expected - and I managed to get the Best Customers Ever... at the same table no less. Susie Rottencrotch was kind enough to order absolutely nothing from our actual menu; everything had a variation to it and her 4007 pointed, smart-assed questions really made my night. What made it even better was Jimmy Tattoo, another guy at the table objecting to paying for a beer his friend drank earlier in the evening when it mistakenly showed up on his bill. Really? You can't drop another $5 to cover your buddy's beer? DOUCHEBAGS!

4. In Truth...
Montana's has been pretty solid. 99 out of 100 customers are really understanding on nights like last night, as they seem to know that going out for dinner on a Saturday night between 6 and 8 means you're waiting at least 30 minutes for your main.

5. Apparently I Still Live In Newfoundland
It's June 1st in Ontario, a time usually marked by ridiculous humidity and "sweat from breathing" heat. In the words of Dr. Evil, "It's frickin' freezing!" Overcast skies, monstrous downpours and winds that make you feel cold to your bones have been the dominant weather system of the last three days, making London more like St. John's.

6. My New Addiction
Joining cigarettes and coffee in the Spencer Kyte Addiction Portfolio is crossword puzzles. We get the London Free Press delivered to the house every day and every day I make an attempt. Mondays and Tuesdays are generally fairly easy and completed in full in no time. Wednesday is a little harder, but Thursday is easy-peasy since it's Pop Culture stuff. Friday through Sunday, however, is another story entirely. I got seven clues today... for now.

7. Smartest Purchase Ever
Sarah and I each have new Starbucks travel mugs. Not the shiny silver ones that leak and spill and what have you; mine actually looks like a Venti cup, except bigger. Since purchasing them a week or so ago, we've barely gone to Starbucks. Instead, we make our coffee at home and head out the door. This may sound basic to some of you, but considering we would usually drop $20 a week on coffees and treats at The Bucks, forking over $25 for these two mugs has been a wise investment.

8. Number of Months Home: 2. People Seen: 0.
This is what happens when you're all growed up and life happens. Our best laid plans were to move "home" and use our days off and free time to tour around visiting old friends and catching up. So far - bupkiss - and I don't know when that is going to change. It's looking like weekends at The Cookhouse are going to be a regular thing and since weekends are when everyone else in the world has time off, well, you see where this is going. Time to get creative and get down to Hammertown and area for some visits...

9. Faye is Retired... Again
Gotta love my Mom! Early last spring I got a phone call that basically went, "Hi Sherm. Guess what? I'm retired!" Just like that - gave her two weeks notice and that was it. She spent the summer doing the things she loves most: being a grandmother, golfing, sitting on her deck staring at the water and even took to meeting a gentlemen friend. Near the end of the summer, she was ready to go back to work, so she did, taking a 9 month contract back with the OLG in Brantford. That contract ended this week. Once again, Ol' Faye is retired... Lucky bitch!

10. Happy Birthday Cori!
My former housemate and close friend Corrine Rae (Lawrence) Empringham is celebrating her birthday today. Actually, the celebration was last night, but her actual birthday is today, along with three other Facebook friends (Ziz, Marnie and Chach Machado), Alanis Morissette and the venerable Morgan Freeman. Happy Birthday to you all!

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Back to Ontario and The Dark Ages

Goddamn today has been a long day. It's 4:30 in my world, but only 3:00 here in Cambridge, Ontario and the little library that could around the corner from Faye's place where I'll be holed up for the next day or two having a visit and detoxing from Newfoundland...

As nice as it is to be back in Ontario, shacking up at Faye's is like a trip back to The Dark Ages. I feel like Harrison Ford in Witness when he hides out in Amish country, except there is no barn-raising scene and I'm no John Book.

What does all that mean? It's means my mother lives in the goddamn Stone Age, sans TV save for two, sometimes three fuzzy channels on her 12" rotary dial television and devoid of the Internet. How in the world can someone survive in today's day and age without Internet access?

Which brings me to the little library around the corner and the timer counting down from 20 minutes in the top right corner of my screen, an indication of the amount of time I have left on my guest pass to accessing the Internet. Seriously, this is what it comes to for the next couple days. Your favourite blogging smart-ass tripping around the corner to write in twenty minute installments, so long as one of the six computers are free.

Nothing personal against my mom, but I think it goes without saying that I'm eager to relocate to London and as much Internet as my heart desires.

* * * * * * * * * *

I hate flying. I only figured this out today.

It's not the actual process that I hate, but more the lack of comfort a gentlemen of my, how shall I put this - carriage - can achieve cramped into the window seat while the complaining airhead in front of me insists on having her seat as far away from the upright position as possible.

Couple that with a 6 am departure, only pay-per-view movies and the $3 charge for headphones that I was certainly not going to pay (yes, I'm that cheap) and it makes for a long 2 hours in the friendly skies between St. John's and Toronto.

* * * * * * * * * *

Sarah's flight got delayed, so I spent most of the morning wondering if she had made it out of the St. John's Airport or not.

She called a couple hours ago and has arrived in Goose Bay for the night before shuttling off to Hopedale and her community of 600 people for the next 26 days. No, I'm not counting at all.

I miss you Baby Girl... glad you're okay!

* * * * * * * * * *

No regular access = No photos. Sorry for the lack of visual stimulation...

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Things I Learned This Week

1. Apparently It Can't Just Be a Discussion
See that's all I was hoping for with the first post of this week - Untitled - about the Kelly Tilghman comments and the reactions. I wanted to talk about the reaction, educate myself and maybe others to where the reactions come from and open a discourse on an important topic. Sadly, that didn't happen, because, well, I don't really know why. In part, it's because of the atrocities committed by racist men in previous generations. It is an immediate barrier to communication, one that I can't get through because of the whiteness of my skin. But I think the other part is that it is easier to angrily discuss the past and the mistakes of others than to examine the future and what needs to be done to make the world a better place.

2. An Interesting Question
One thing that came out of the early week posts was an assertion that an entire race - us light-skinned folks - should be ashamed of the actions of white folks in the past. My question then is this: Should then not everyone living in North America feel ashamed for the treatment of the Native Peoples throughout history? I mean, we flat out took their land and gave them nothing...

Just saying, there are all kinds of sides to this coin.

3. We Focus On The Wrong Things
As there is most weeks, this is more of a "Thing I Continued to Learn" than anything else and I am very much a part of it. I devoted three posts this week to the word lynch - a word with venomous history for some - but a word nonetheless, when there are far more important things going on in the world. And I don't mean the ridiculousness that is Britney Spears, though that seems to get even more coverage than anything else. We all need that diversion from time to time - be it reality TV, gossip mags, sports, whatever - but we could also make a helluva lot of difference if we all wanted to.

4. An Example of The Above
There is this dude I used to work with named Sab. He's a good dude, good intentioned, nice enough, mildly annoying. You know, that guy. Anyway, I get somewhere in the neighbourhood of 50 emails a week from Sab, none of which have any intellectual content whatsoever. Some are YouTube clips of goals or fights I've seen on The Score all morning, some are jokes that aren't overly funny, but for the most part, it's porn. Topless chicks on a beach, the latest silicone queen from the cover of a magazine, you name it. If Sab spent even 10% of the time he spends trolling for and forwarding on porn on anything of remote importance, he might have figured out where bin Laden is hiding already. I'm not saying steer clear of the porn entirely... just maybe ease up a little.

5. I Still Love This Picture, Years After First Seeing It
Some things are always funny. This is one of them.

6. My Mom is a 16 Year Old Girl
Figuratively, of course. See, I got a call from her this week that amounted to the kind of phone calls you had when you were sixteen, wondering if that boy or girl you liked liked you or liked you liked you. Faye's in the same boat.

7. I Really Have Grown Up
My buddy Deuce had a party Friday night at his place. Typical deal - people, drinks, music, etc. - at least, that's what I would imagine happened. We made an appearance at 8:00 and were home on the couch by 10:15 watching What Not To Wear. Now, in my defense, I had to work Saturday morning, but still. Two years ago, this wouldn't have meant squat to me. I rocked a massive hangover on the casino floor more time than I can remember after a night out with Bucky and the Boys. Maybe I really am becoming a Sally...

8. Some People Actually Have No Idea How A Movie Store Works
You'll hear all my gripes about the fine folks who frequent The Block a little later in the week (maybe Thursday, who knows?) but I just gotta get this one out there right now:

It's not like a fast food joint where you go up to the counter, place your order and the people behind the counter go and get it for you!

The only exceptions are if you're (a) a cute, older person (b) disabled in any way or (c) a cute, older person who is disabled in any way.

Notice that being a lazy skeet didn't make the list...

9. No, It Don't Come In English
Me: Thank you for calling Blockbuster where you can Trade & Save
Him: Yeah, uh, we bought dat Pan's Labyrinth movie en it's all in Spanish. Do it come in English?
Me (choking back laughter): No sir, it's a Spanish film.
Him: So I can't turn off the Spanish er nothin?
Me: No sir, unfortunately not.
Him: So it's like that Iwo Jima? I didn't know that wasn't English either. I got that one here too.
Me: I see...
Him: You ain't got an English version of that do yee?

At this point, I usually make the finger guns and pretend to shoot myself with both finger guns under the chin...

10. 1 Month, 1 Cigarette
Yesterday marked one month of "quitting smoking" and in that time, I have had exactly one cigarette. I also had one shitty Pom Pom cigar a couple weekends ago, but that doesn't really count because, well, it just doesn't. ONE CIGARETTE... IN A MONTH! Yes, I want a pat on the back.

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The Rundown: Songs For Mama

To tie into the preceding post about the passing of Dr. Dondra West, a woman her son Kanye often spoke of in his songs, I give you the Wednesday Rundown:

Top Five Songs that Remind Me of My Mom - Carol Anne "Faye" Kyte

5. "Hey Mama" - Kanye West, Late Registration
This isn't just a token Kanye shout out. This song is incredible and I am glad to say that even though we've had our differences, Faye is one of my best friends and the words Kanye speaks resonate with me.

4. "Me & Julio" - Paul Simon, Greatest Hits
My mom bought this CD and played it non-stop from the get-go. Every time I hear it I still picture Faye in the kitchen, doing the dishes, bopping to the beat and it makes me smile.

3. "I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston, The Bodyguard OST
Again, purchased and played constantly. As much as I really, really dislike this song and it's building, bellowing, booming climax, Faye loved it... so I like it.

2. All The Songs "Grown Folks" Dance to at Weddings
I've been to a handful of weddings with my mom and she doesn't leave the dance floor. I left the last one before she did. If it's older and got a beat, she'll dance to it and that's pretty cool to me.

1. "A Song for Mama" - Boyz II Men, Evolution
My best friend Francis danced with his mother to this song at his wedding and I'm probably going to steal it from him and do the same. No one song encompasses everything I feel for my mom better than this song.

I love you Faye...

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