Saturday, August 29, 2009

Glad I'm Married: Reasons #166 and 167

I know I didn't tell you the first 165; I figured you didn't really want to hear all kinds of gushing about my wonderful wife, the beautiful life I envision us building together and all the Hallmark sentiment that makes people grow tired of newly married couples in a heartbeat.

You're welcome.

What I will do is get started with Reason #166: Middle Aged Strip Club Guy.

Don't get me wrong - I spent my fair share of time watching girls get naked on stage. In fact, I probably spent my fair share, your fair share and most of your extended family's fair share. But I haven't set foot in a strip joint since my buddy Fisher's Bachelor Party more than four years ago.


Because I can see a naked girl almost any time I want at home... on the Internet. Just kidding.

The textbook definition of this guy was in the bar last night, so while I thank him for the inspiration now, I'm sure it doesn't make up for me laughing at him when he asked me if there was a strip joint in Cranbrook.

See, I laughed because (a) he'd already told a story about strip clubs and strippers and "touching all kinds of fake boobs" way too loud, to which his table of teammates offered up a round of High Fives and (b) if you've ever seen Cranbrook, you know that even if there is a strip joint there, you don't want to go.

I mean really, what could possibly be sexy about a 23-year-old who looks 45 with a handful of shitty tattoos and 12 teeth that has clearly been on the wrong side of one too many benders and beatdowns?

Harsh? Sure, but I'm not the one who was petitioning the bartender for directions. What made it even better was that post-laughter, when I told the table that it "won't be pretty," the response I got was, "We're not looking for pretty; we're looking for entertainment."

You want entertainment? Rent a fucking movie. Go find some live music somewhere. Watch UFC 102 tonight.

A group of seven middle aged douchebags rolling into the strip joint isn't entertainment, it's sad... and Reason #166 of Why I'm Glad I'm Married.

So what is Reason #167 you ask?

Those guys, twenty years later, getting mouthy and loaded in the bar on a golfing vacation.

Being a drunk asshole when you're 35 or so is bad, but being a drunk asshole when you're 55 and up is just ridiculous.

By then you should have some drunken etiquette and know better than to reach over the bar and pour your own mix, especially when the bartender (read: me) is standing right there.

And mooching smokes off me just makes you a total loser... being a "social smoker" is something you do when you're between the ages of 16 and 25. After that, buy your own smokes or give it up, don't get all lippy about "having some loose ones laying around" when I point you to the smoke machine.


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