"A man's got to do what a man's got to do."
Now, this certainly was intended to serve as an inspiration for me to come up with a list of five things all guys have to do to officially be considered one of the guys in my books, but hey, it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with random movie quotes.
Before anyone gets all uppity about me crafting a list of things guys must do to be guys and wonders who put me in charge, I haven't even completed all the things on my own list, so it's not like I'm trying to align myself as some kind of Alpha Male, greater than the rest of you.
I'm clearly a Beta Male, but I'm working at changing my Greek letter and you should too.
Five Absolute Male Musts
5. Read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
The grinning weasel opening this piece is Tucker Max, blogger and writer, whose collection of stories pulled from his website forms the book that is now a movie and an absolute must for all men.
You think you've been an asshole to chicks? You think you've done some stupid shit in your day? You think you're drinking buddies have the best stories around? Think again.
Tucker Max and his stable of sobriety-challenged sidekicks are the biggest dicks, doing the dumbest shit, passing along the most startling stories known to man and you have to read them.
4. Have At Least One Horrible Strip Club Story
See, this one automatically eliminates all the guys out there who "hate" the strip club and find them disgusting. Not that they aren't, but we've all had a least one retarded night inside the dimly lit den of deviousness.
Whether it's spending too much money because you spent too much time with "Candy" or "Porsche" in the VIP or choking on a two dollar coin like my friend Emilio did on his 19th birthday, you have to have a horrible strip club story.
It's a prerequisite.
3. Vegas Baby, Vegas
Anyone who calls it cliche is probably in the same boat as me and never been to Vegas. Like I said, I know I'm no Alpha Male, but I'm working on it.
You don't have to be a big-time gambler or looking to craft a personal version of The Hangover; but c'mon... it's Vegas. You have to go at least once.
The UFC is going to be my excuse in the not-too-distant future, as a quick three day dash to cover an event will (a) cross this one off my list and (b) offer few opportunities to loss copious amounts of cash at the tables, since I'll be working.
Email me if you're interested. We'll get something put together.
2. The Godfather
You can skip the third installment if you like, but you have to have watched the first two in their entirety at least once in the last five years.
With the glut of absolutely horrible movies that have come into this world and the hundreds of chick flicks you've undoubtedly submitted yourself to over the years, watching brilliance on your television at least once every five years is a must.
And don't tell me that Scarface is better either. Scarface is good, The Godfather (Parts I and II) are classic.
1. Break a Bone
I don't trust any man who has never broken a bone. Maybe that is ridiculous, but hey, that's me.
At my age, I don't know how you could go through 30 years of this adventure we call life without breaking even one tiny little bone. I'm not even talking about major damage like broken legs or arms or anything; break your pinkie catching football wrong and we're good.
I might even allow a cracked rib to pass, since I know firsthand how much that shit hurts. Thanks again for letting me enjoy that experience, Pistol. You're the best brother a guy could have.
Outside of the Vegas thing, I'm set. Just don't expect me to share the horrible Strip Club stories with you here... the wife reads this thing people and some things are better left unsaid.