The Rundown: You Call Yourself a Man?

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do."

Now, this certainly was intended to serve as an inspiration for me to come up with a list of five things all guys have to do to officially be considered one of the guys in my books, but hey, it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with random movie quotes.

Before anyone gets all uppity about me crafting a list of things guys must do to be guys and wonders who put me in charge, I haven't even completed all the things on my own list, so it's not like I'm trying to align myself as some kind of Alpha Male, greater than the rest of you.

I'm clearly a Beta Male, but I'm working at changing my Greek letter and you should too.

Five Absolute Male Musts

5. Read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
The grinning weasel opening this piece is Tucker Max, blogger and writer, whose collection of stories pulled from his website forms the book that is now a movie and an absolute must for all men.

You think you've been an asshole to chicks? You think you've done some stupid shit in your day? You think you're drinking buddies have the best stories around? Think again.

Tucker Max and his stable of sobriety-challenged sidekicks are the biggest dicks, doing the dumbest shit, passing along the most startling stories known to man and you have to read them.

4. Have At Least One Horrible Strip Club Story
See, this one automatically eliminates all the guys out there who "hate" the strip club and find them disgusting. Not that they aren't, but we've all had a least one retarded night inside the dimly lit den of deviousness.

Whether it's spending too much money because you spent too much time with "Candy" or "Porsche" in the VIP or choking on a two dollar coin like my friend Emilio did on his 19th birthday, you have to have a horrible strip club story.

It's a prerequisite.

3. Vegas Baby, Vegas
Anyone who calls it cliche is probably in the same boat as me and never been to Vegas. Like I said, I know I'm no Alpha Male, but I'm working on it.

You don't have to be a big-time gambler or looking to craft a personal version of The Hangover; but c'mon... it's Vegas. You have to go at least once.

The UFC is going to be my excuse in the not-too-distant future, as a quick three day dash to cover an event will (a) cross this one off my list and (b) offer few opportunities to loss copious amounts of cash at the tables, since I'll be working.

Email me if you're interested. We'll get something put together.

2. The Godfather
You can skip the third installment if you like, but you have to have watched the first two in their entirety at least once in the last five years.

With the glut of absolutely horrible movies that have come into this world and the hundreds of chick flicks you've undoubtedly submitted yourself to over the years, watching brilliance on your television at least once every five years is a must.

And don't tell me that Scarface is better either. Scarface is good, The Godfather (Parts I and II) are classic.

1. Break a Bone
I don't trust any man who has never broken a bone. Maybe that is ridiculous, but hey, that's me.

At my age, I don't know how you could go through 30 years of this adventure we call life without breaking even one tiny little bone. I'm not even talking about major damage like broken legs or arms or anything; break your pinkie catching football wrong and we're good.

I might even allow a cracked rib to pass, since I know firsthand how much that shit hurts. Thanks again for letting me enjoy that experience, Pistol. You're the best brother a guy could have.

Outside of the Vegas thing, I'm set. Just don't expect me to share the horrible Strip Club stories with you here... the wife reads this thing people and some things are better left unsaid.

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The Rundown: Feeling Basic

It's 9-ish and I just got home. Been a busy day, sort of.

Day One rocking the new Block was okay - no problems, no hassles, no work to be honest. It was boring and I don't like boring. Boring makes me want to slit my wrists. Not really, don't worry.

After that, Garry called and said Boston Pizza was cooking dinner tonight and who am I to argue with that?

So, me and my full belly are ready to get horizontal and watch Juno. Can I just say one thing?

I LOVE JUNO! I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH IT AGAIN! IT'S SO GOOD!

Okay, that was three things. Whatever!

Prepping to watch one of my favourite movies and being extremely chilled got me thinking that it's been a long enough time since debuting this segment to drop a easy one on you.

Like Cusack's character in High Fidelity said when his turn to drop an All Time Top Five rolled around - I'm feelin' basic. Not the All-Time Side 1, Track 1 but...

All-Time Top Five Movies

5. Crash

The one about how racism touches all of us, not the one about people who really, really like car accidents. What can I say about this movie? It's poignant without being heavy-handed and has some incredible performances, including a surprisingly good turn by Chris "Ludacris" Bridges. Certainly a must-see movie.

4. Thank You For Smoking

Juno's Canadian Director Jason Reitman's first foray into feature films ranks in the five hole for being bitingly funny, sarcastic, critical and altogether awesome. Aaron Eckhart is supremely underrated, Mario Bello is always awesome and I'm already given you my thoughts on JK Simmons a couple months back. As much as I love this movie, the book is even better.

3. Godfather II

If I need to explain this, than you have no concept of what a great movie is. I'm leaving it at that.

2. Garden State

D'you know how some movies that try to be about "real life" are really crappy and have no connection to "real life" at all? This isn't one of them. In fact, it's the opposite. It's real and funny and sad and smart and ironic and sarcastic and awesome. Zach Braff is one of my heroes and gets extra points for not being JD from Scrubs for a minute of this movie.

1. High Fidelity

I can't believe how many people haven't seen this movie or totally disregarded it. It's wicked! Jack Black and Todd Louiso as "The Musical Moron Twins" as John Cusack's Rob Gordon calls them are pitch-perfect for the entire movie. Tim Robbins' pseudo-Seagal rebound boyfriend is classic and Cusack as the everyman dumbass anti-hero delivers a performance that is sure to make every man see themselves from some point in their life. On top of that, the soundtrack is so good... same with the book!

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The Rundown: Worst Sequels Ever

So I was clicking around ShowHype this morning and came across a story that made me cringe.

Apparently, some Hollywood movie exec thinks it's a good idea to make another Boondock Saints film. Please just shoot me now.

Don't get me wrong - I love the original. What's not to love?

• Two brothers executing bad guys in the name of the Lord
• Billy Connolly as their unstoppable, ultra-dangerous hitman father
• A Ron Jeremy cameo

Oh right, I remember now... TROY DUFFY!

Duffy wrote and directed the original, as he is set to do with "the sequel" and was also the subject of the documentary Overnight, a kind of reverse rags to riches tale where Duffy goes from having a $15M budget for the flick with Miramax to making the movie for far less than that and alienating everyone around him during the process.

Everybody deserves a second chance, with some obvious exceptions (Charles Manson...) but I just know that should this long-rumoured sequel actually get made, it'll destroy the legacy of a film countless people love. Kinda like the rest of the crap in today's installment of The Rundown.

Worst Sequels Ever!

5. Anything Without The Original Stars
I covered this a while back, but just to refresh your memory - if the original cast doesn't want to reprise their roles or the storyline doesn't have any tangible connection to the first film or both... pass. Seriously... pass!

4. Godfather, Part III
The movie on the whole is good. Not great like I & II, but good. The ending though? Ending it that way? C'mon! This is Don Corleone we're talking about here. You can't have it end that way... why couldn't we have just left things the way the were after Part II? Fredo's gone, Michael is the Cappo di Tutti Capi and no one wants to eff with him, Sofia Coppola doesn't make her acting debut... we didn't need this movie.

3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Honestly, T2 was awesome. Arnold wasn't The Governator, Edward Furlong wasn't a complete waste of talent douchebag and Linda Hamilton was scary/sexy as Sarah Connor. But twelve years later, did anyone care what the hell happened to John Connor? Didn't think so...

2. Rocky V / Rocky Balboa - Double Feature Fecal Matter!
As hokey and ridiculous as Rocky IV was, we all loved it. Admit it. You loved it. I loved it too. It was a perfect culmination of Rocky's career. Hollywood pissed all over Rocky's legacy by having him manage then street fight Tommy "The Machine" Gunn in Rocky V. I refuse to comment on the hopped-up on HGH version of "The Italian Stallion" from Rocky Balboa.

1. Slap Shot 2
Slap Shot is the best sports movie ever. All the names of my fantasy hockey teams each season come from this movie - the Charlestown Chiefs, Denis Lemieux, Reg Dunlop, Old Time Hockey, Eddie Shore. It's golden! So who the hell thought it would be a good idea to bring back The Hanson's, stick'em with Stephen Baldwin, a female coach and the Harlem Globetrotters on Ice to play against? Who makes these decisions?

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