Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Rundown: Parents Just Don't Understand

I know this is going to sound really, really pompous of me - what, with me not being a parent at all - but there are just some things that parents need to realize are the most embarrassing, humiliating or absolute worst thing you can do to you children.

I have no idea what makes me think I'm qualified for this, but whatever... it's my blog!

Top Five Parental Insights from A Non-Parent

5. Names, Part I
You can't just name your child anything. That's not how it works. Okay, that is how it works, but it shouldn't be. It's not like Big Daddy where Sandler lets the kid pick his own name and he runs with Frankenstein. Porsche is a car, not your daughter. Beautiful is how something or someone looks, not a first name. And you can't randomly drop parts of your child's name to create the name they're going to go by... I'm looking at you Topher Grace (his full name is Christopher)... Oh, and just because Tom & Katie named their little Scientology experiment Suri, doesn't mean it's acceptable either.

4. They're Your Kid, Not Free Range Chickens
Letting them run wild is fun, for about ten seconds or until they smash into something and start wailing like a banshee. You wouldn't go hauling ass threw every store you walked into thinking that the destruction and devastation left in your wake wouldn't cost you a thing, so why would it be any different when your kid trashes a store? Because they're a kid and don't know any better? Yeah, but you do and you should know to keep you kid within reach so they don't cost you extra for the fifteen Kinder Eggs they crushed in their hands.

3. What's With The Lying?
I get it when it comes to things like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and that stuff, but other than that, why not just be straight with the kid? What good comes from filling their little heads with lies only to have to correct all that nonsense later? Maybe this is one of those ones I just don't get yet because I'm not a parent...

2. Names, Part II
This is an important task, so it gets a second cautionary mention. Be dutiful in selecting a name people. Think long and hard about it. Beulah isn't a good look for anyone. Other than Mama Bear back in Midland, Wanda isn't appealing either. And no boy wants to be Gene, Maurice or
Herbert. Consider your last name too, as Mavis Davis (a la Marcy Darcy) would have a long life of torment ahead of her. Nickname possibilities need to be considered too or else you end up like the kid I went to Elementary School with named Richard Hares... wait for it... wait for it... BINGO! Dick Hares...

1. Leashes? Are You Kidding Me?
I appreciate the attempt at keeping your kids from being free range chickens, but a leash? That has to be (a) the most humiliating things imaginable for the child and (b) the laziest possible option for the parent. You don't want your kid running away from you? Teach them not to run away from you! Leashes are for pets, not children. Is your child a ferret? No, then get them off that stupid leash!


deuce said...

Is it just me, or is your blog slowly becoming "Things that drive me fuckin nuts" :P

Ashley said...

stupid kids crushing perfectly delicious kinder eggs.....

Newt said...

As the other side of the coin (2 kids) here are my thoughts...

Names - Think long term. Cute baby names dont often make cute 40 year old names.

Free Range Chickens - I agree with you Spencer, keep an eye on your kid. Besides destroying defenseless kinder eggs they could get hurt or go missing.

Lying - This is something that people with kids understand. There is no ill intent but sooner or later a lie is bound to come out. By the time you get to the fifteenth "why?" you will say just about anything to get them to stop.

Leashes - Prior to being a dad I thought leashes were the product of lazy or bad parents (similar to your thoughts) but since Rachel has been old enough to walk I have started to understand. The main reason why I do it in very public places(Wonderland, The mall at christmas) is because of the crowds and who may be lurking within. I dont want some perv-asshole snagging her because I didnt bring my A-game and turned to look at something other than her for one second.
If I didn't use the leash in these places what would my options be?
1)Holding her hand - barely fun when she loves to jump and skip and walk like a dinosaur/monster
2)Put her in her stroller - she really hates that because she has so much energy. I imagine its pretty boring in there as well.
3)carry her on my shoulders - this only works for so long.
So I do it for her, not to embarass her but to give her the maximum amount of freedom without being unsafe. She is aware of the options and usually chooses the monkey (her leash is a backpack with a monkey on the back and the leash is his tail).
There are always times where a parent is going to have to make a kid do something embarassing in order to keep them safe. At this point it is a leash to keep them close, when they are 5 it will be wearing pads and a helmet while learning to rollerblade or skateboard and at 17 it will be waiting on the porch with a baseball bat when their boyfriend drops them off. Its an ongoing thing. They will get used to it.