Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The Rundown: Don't Be A Douchebag!


Since busting out The Rundown back near the start of things, I have had a lot of fun coming up with it each and every week, as for the most part it has either been funny, self-deprecating or self-indulgent. Any way it comes out, it has been good times.

Today we're gonna shift gears a little and drop something helpful. Kind of like when I gave the seven of you suggestions on how to appear cooler via The Hip List not that long ago. This one is male specific though, since I'm tired of seeing large quantities of my gender behaving like giant douchebags. If one guy has a better night because of this, I have done my job.

And so, today's Rundown:

Top Five Ways To Avoid Being A Douchebag

5. Put Away The D-Bag Uniform
This one is just plain easy and I know it to be a truism because, well, I used to sport the D-bag uniform from time to time and had exactly no success whatsoever wherever and whenever I wore it. Be it at work, at play or anywhere in between, the D-bag Uniform is an absolute non-starter. So, if when you're getting ready to dress yourself you decide that the untucked button-down shirt with jeans and a sports jacket/blazer/linen jacket from H&M is your outfit of choice, climb back into bed because it's going to be a bad day. Any day sporting the D-bag Uniform is a bad day. Simply tucking in the shirt makes this wholly acceptable too, so long as you have a belt on. I can't stress this enough - YOU MUST WEAR A BELT AT ALL TIMES, EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR SHOW!

4. Manscape
You know how we all think we look awesome with our rugged, Grizzly Adams beards? We don't. For the most part, we look like lazy bastards who should have shaved months ago. And we look anywhere from three to ten years older than we actually are. While that works okay for a babyface like me who is pushing 30 and looks 14, on the whole, looking five years older than you are is not recommended. This doesn't apply to facial hair only. The Amazon belongs in South America...

3. The Guy With The Better Story
Let someone else be that guy. No one likes that guy. That guy is a douchebag. When he leaves to go to the bathroom or mercifully has somewhere else he has to be rambling on about how he shot one stroke better than you on the golf course or killed a bear with his bare hands, everyone makes fun of him. Verbal pissing contests are a close second to actual pissing contests on the scale of "Oh Sweet Jesus Get Me Away From These Idiots!"

2. There is More to Life Than Beer... and Rye
This is maybe the hardest one on this list, as I know a lot of us - myself included - are big time devotees to one or both, but sometimes, a man needs to order something other than Bud Light or a Rye & Coke. The tricky thing with this is what to order, as some beers are actually fair game here like Guinness or Kilkenny or Hoegarden because (a) they aren't served in a bottle and (b) you don't just pound them back one after another after another. Plus, you can't be the guy walking around with a Screwdriver, because while you may avoid being a douchebag, you're dangerously close to being a total Sally who becomes the new focus of ridicule, trumping even the hated douchebag. Even my man Bucky, a life-long Rye & Coke / Bud Light guzzler has switched it up. You should too... My suggestions? Martinis work as long as they don't involve too much fruit, swirly straws or sticking your pinky out when you drink it and sipping away at a glass of Tullamore Dew on ice is a great choice too. I've rocked the Vodka Water for the last year or so and have to say I'm a huge fan. Thanks to Vanessa Monteith for the introduction.

1. Broaden Your Horizons
You can't just talk about sports. Recounting drunken escapades doesn't always work either, since you're always running the risk of becoming the guy with the better story or making yourself look like a total piss tank. Conversely, boring someone to death with ramblings about the Canadian Government's Military Spending Habits or the intricacies of molecular biology aren't good looks either. It's like when everyone would fall asleep on Friends as soon as Ross started talking dinosaurs... Movies, music and pop culture in general are always good starting points, just make sure you know what the hell you're talking about, because nothing is more douchebaggy than being the guy who says, "I love Amanda Bynes. She was terrific in Mean Girls."

Author's Note: I know what you're thinking and the answer is Yes, I am essentially the anti-douchebag. You may think that me saying that makes me a douchebag, but you're wrong. Just thought I would clear that up.

5 comments:

Chalk said...

I hate to admit it but I read I Blog Because I Can because I can't stop.

I'm absolutely shocked that I am 1 of only 7 readers. Now just a day or two after becoming a facebook fan out of pity (not that I'm not a fan, I'd just rather not publicly admit it), I have a new idea:

I'm going to comment on every post here until the readership or facebook fan count reaches double digits. (Assuming that's ok with Spen.)

My favorite part of this particular post was the phrase "a total Sally." It's funny in itself, but funnier that Spencer uses it, and sounds unironic using it. But then one of the first things I admired about Spencer's writing was his fluid effortless use of the word douchebag.

So, seriously tell your friends or I'll keep dropping these.

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Keep dropping them anyway Chalk...

Brad said...

Spen, go to www.humor-blogs.com, register the site, promote yourself...

...tell them I sent you, by the way.

Deuce said...

lol. Nice post Spen. Love the rant on the D-Bag Uniform...too many guys wearin blazers, and wearing polo shirt with the collar up....For the record, friends don't let friends pop collars.

smitty said...

Our li'l Spen's growing up. (sniff!)

- Amen on the uniform. Add to it faux hip hop/skate stuff.

- Tullamore Dew is the joint.

- Talking about things other than sports is tough, but it makes talking about sports even more fun.