Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Rundown: Listen Up Hollywood!

To say this week has been a bit tense here would be like saying the Patriots are decent...

With that in mind, it's time to lighten things up a helluva lot with a Rundown inspired by Slapshot 2, American Pie Presents: (Insert College-ish Name Here) and anything that begins with National Lampoon's Presents, except for Van Wilder.

Top Five Worst Film Ideas

5. Sequels to Mediocre Movies, Starring a Totally Different Cast
The Prince & Me was cute. Save the Last Dance was predictable, but sweet. Julia Stiles was in both. The Prince & Me 2 was crap, as was Save the Last Dance 2. Julia Stiles was in neither. Moral of the story? When you're doing a sequel to a marginally good movie and the stars don't want to reprise their lead roles, reconsider, unless you're big on Direct to DVD. Did you even know they made a Butterfly Effect 2? I'm already a little sick to my stomach that there is a Step Up 2 coming. Why Hollywood, why? Leave well enough alone, I beg you...

4. Compilation Parodies
Scary Movie was funny. Scary Movie 2 through 47 sucked balls, as did Epic Movie, Date Movie and I'm damn sure that the soon to be released to The Comebacks is going to suck balls too. The reason? A movie that is 97 minutes of making fun of stereotypical elements of other movies isn't funny to begin with and it's really not funny when some jackass industry executive lets these same band of idiots - the non-Wayans Brothers unfunny guys who wrote Scary Movie - do it over and over and over again. If you want to see it done well, go get Hot Shots. Now that was funny.

3. Actiony Horror Flicks Starring That Guy From Starship Troopers and Giant Insects
Actually, any movie involving Patrick Muldoon is a bad idea. The guy is pure poison. Pairing that guy with genetically enhanced killer spiders - I'm not making this shit up - that attack a ski team training for the Olympics at Forbidden Mountain -seriously, this is the plot - is called Ice Spiders and you can get your copy tonight at Blockbuster Video! While there, also grab Kaw, featuring deadly crows and Sean Patrick Flannery or Black Sheep with the ravenous herds of killer sheep. Seriously, who the fuck sits at home and thinks this is a good idea for a movie? Better yet, who agrees with that douchebag and gives him the money to make it?

2. "Grappling Gang"*
Guy #1: It's a group of guys who get together and wrestle in rundown warehouse to take out their frustrations with everyday life.
Guy #2: Sounds a lot like Fight Club.
Guy #1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is way different. For one, it's about grappling, not fighting. Second, no one you've ever heard of is going to be in it. Third, it doesn't have any of the social commentary or outstanding dark humour of Fight Club.
Guy #2: So it's basically sweaty, shirtless guys "grappling"? No real story or plot or point?
Guy #1: You got it!
Guy #2: Sounds a lot like gay porn... Not that there's anything wrong with that per se...

* This one applies across all genres too. Imitation may be the finest form of flattery, but it sucks ass on celluloid...Please stop it immediately!

1. We Haven't Done a (Insert Title Character Here) Flick in a While
There is a reason for that - No one wants to see them anymore. We thought you knew that.

If we wanted to see another Die Hard, we would have been all over you for one after With a Vengeance. We weren't though, were we? It's because no one believes 55 year old John McLain is still able to kick that much ass.

Who gave the go ahead on Mr. Bean's Holiday? There wasn't ever anything funny about a mute who makes stupid faces for 90 minutes in the first place, so why would that be any different now?

Thanks for fucking up Superman too, because we really needed to bring back the Man of Steel so you could have The Crippled Guy from Usual Suspects play Lex Luther and some new talentless pretty boy pour himself into a unitard. Weren't you paying attention when Smallville went off the air? The general public is done with all things Superman.

And while I'm at it - Rambo? Are you fucking kidding me? He's 97! Rocky Balboa wasn't enough for you? You know Sly is just going to be like, "Eh, uh, I should redo all my movies. Somebody uh call Wesley Snipes and Sandy Bullock and see if dey wanna do Demolition Man again." Sad thing is, somebody in Hollywood would make that movie.

Since we're riffing on movies...

Bonus Additional Bad Idea!

Comic Book / Video Game Movies by Non-Comic Book / Video Game People
Listen, if the guy writing or directing the piece doesn't have a huge hard-on for the comic/game they are adapting, stop. You're just going to fuck it up and piss off a whole lot of people. Plus, someone who does get a massive stiffy for this shit would probably do a really good job. Sadly, this isn't always 100% accurate, as the same guy - Mark Steven Johnson, a big time comic book geek - fucked up great titles like Daredevil and Ghost Rider.

D'you know why I love movies so much though? Because even with naming all this garbage, there are still thousands - literally thousands - of movies that are outstanding that you can watch. That's awesome...


newt (na) said...

Another great example... bring it on and bring it on again. The first movie was amazing but the rest went straight to good old DVD.

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Don't forget Bring It On: All or Nothing and Bring It On: In It To Win It!

Any baby news?

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Congratulations to Mel & Jeremy Newton on the birth of their second child, Thomas Wayne Newton.

Welcome to the world Little Newt!

chalk said...

Spencer --

Please tell me you don't have actual first hand knowledge of The Prince & Me 2 and Save The Last Dance sucking.

And don't come back with I work at a video store like that excuses it.

And speaking of working at a video store, where do you get off referring to Kevin F***ing Spacey as The Crippled Guy from Usual Suspects? What you're too Canadian to watch American Beauty?

Just when I think you can't get any f***ing weirder....

newt (na) said...

Everybody knows that kevin spacey's finest role ever was as the voice of hopper in disneys A bugs life. What is this American Beauty you refer to? Can I get that at a Canadian Blockbuster?

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Chalk -

No, I don't have first hand knowledge of the Prince & Me 2 or Save 2, so breath easy my friend.

As for the Spacey reference, not everyone is a film geek like you and me and Newt too apparently, so mentioning Verbal Kint is a lot easier than mentioning his character in AB. Since I'm in NFLD I should have referenced The Shipping News, no?

Ashley said...

You better be adding Sydney White to that list of awesome outstanding movies!