Once is Random, Twice is a Trend... a Very, Very Disturbing Trend

Change the image on the television to some hardcore porn and you have the viewing pleasures of the collection of middle aged men staying in the building next to us.

No, I wasn't intentionally looking in their windows or anything like that. Here's the story:

Last night, Sarah and I took the pooch out for a walk after watching a movie. It was fairly late, so we went to our usual place over behind the new building next to ours. As we're walking, I look up towards all the lights that are on in one of the condos and see some serious sexy time taking place on the television.

I laugh, tell Sarah and proceed to lament the sad state of affairs that is this particular collection of gentlemen. While I certainly don't know them from Adam, there is something about stealing away for a golf weekend with your fellow fortysomethings and watching all kinds of porn that is well, sad.

Sure, I watched porn with the boys a time or two in my life, but it was when I was between the ages of 16 and 25, max. A snowball stands a better chance in hell than the likelihood of me spending a weekend away with the lads in my mid-40s watching a bunch of porn.

Anyway, what makes it worse is that when I took the little mongrel out for the same stroll this evening, guess what was on the television?

You guessed it... porn!

Two questions jump to mind:

1. Are these guys actually ordering PPV porn on a rental condo television or did they bring their own?
2. How do you make the decision to watch porn every night while sharing a condo with a bunch of your friends? What is that conversation like?

"What's on tonight, Jim?"

"Not much, Tony. Whattaya say we throw on some porn?"

"Sounds great! I'll tell the others. Somebody make some popcorn."

FML...

Now this has become a sociological experiment, as you can be damn sure that once the sun goes down tomorrow night, me and Luke will be out in the darkness behind that building, watching to see if it's a porn-with-the-boys weekend.

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The Rundown: First Year Favourites

I got no idea where the time has gone, but Friday will mark the 1 Year Anniversary of this blog.

Since beginning last Halloween, there have been 336 post written on this site (including this one) which is a pretty healthy number if I do say so myself. It's been an absolute blast so far and I'd like to think that being here and doing this everyday has not only been a great help to me as a vehicle for improving my writing, but it's also been both educational and entertaining at times.

In fact, that's going to be the new description in the title box: I Blog Because I Can - Quality Canadian Edutainment!

Anyway, I thought I'd use today's Rundown to look back at the five posts I've enjoyed the most over this year. Whether it's because of what it means to me, the number of comments and discussions it got started or just because it was totally retarded and kept me laughing.

Since I'm showing you mine, it means you have to show me your's later... deal?

Top Five First Year Posts

5. Dane Cook: Please God Make It Stop

The second post in the history of iBlog, this one not only kept me laughing for hours after I finished because I'm very much that guy who laughs at his own jokes, but also became fairly topical shortly thereafter because Memorial University was actually trying to bring Douchebag Dane in for a show. Needless to say, I let everyone and anyone know how much I despise the unfunny funny man.

4. Searching for a Porn-ucopia!

I made fun of a lot of customers from my various places of employment over the course of the last year, but this one was easily the funniest. Dude came into Blockbuster out east looking for porn and when told him to go to Jumbo across the road, he scoffed as their selection wasn't up to code. Absolutely hilarious...

3. Anything About Britney or Lindsay or Megan Fox

Not because I get to run a picture of a scantily clad skank to draw in the casual surfers who Stumble Upon site, but because these ridiculous tramps always - and I mean always - provide some kind of material to write about. I mean, I know it's usually them being totally moronic or breathing our precious air. Plus, I would bet that I've written more posts about them combined than anything else. I'm too lazy to actually count, but feel free if you'd like.

2. Soundtrack of My Life

These pieces have been special to me not only because I love writing about music and they help shed a little light on my inspirations to all of you who read this site, but because I've helped turn some people onto new bands and songs and music and that is awesome. Newt loves Mark Ronson and out East my girl E used to have a Spencer Playlist on her iPod consisting of all the Soundtrack songs. That's the ultimate right there as far as I'm concerned.

1. The Three Posts About My Grandfather

These three posts are my favourites because of everything surrounding them. The sudden illness and passing of my grandfather back in May made me reassess some things in my life and take stock of what is really important. Sadly, it took his passing for me to realize just how important and influential he is in my life. I also really enjoyed getting the opportunity to introduce all of you an incredible man.

There. You've seen mine... show me your's in the comments section!

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Silent Bob Returns!

I've already mentioned it briefly in 10 Things last Sunday, but the truth is that this flick is in need of a full day's dose of recognition.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno marks the return of Kevin Smith to the big screen for the first time since Clerks 2, at least in the director's chair. While he's dabbled in acting (Catch & Release) and done some television work (Reaper), behind the camera of his own film is where those of us who love him first fell in love.

There are a lot of things about this movie that I am really geared up to see.

First, it's Kevin Smith, so you know there is going to be the smart-assed, sarcastic, off-colour comedy you come to expect from Silent Bob. I mean, lest we forget this is the man who penned the line, "My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks" for his cinematic debut.

Second, Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks sound like a winning combination for me. While I am always worried that the Funny Guy of the Moment is going to crash and burn when we least expect it, I'm leaning more towards a future project being Rogan's shark-jumping experience. And Banks, the book store girl from 40-Year-Old Virgin amongst numerous other things, is absolutely hilarious. I mean, she asks him to rinse her hair with poop water in the trailer.

The third one is a serious fanboy interest.

Zack & Miri marks only the second time that Kevin Smith has gone without his alter ego and pot smoking partner in crime Jay in a movie. While Mewes still has a role, it's as a character more so than the "just play yourself" role of Jay he has become known for. The first time he tried this, 2004's Jersey Girl, Smith was met with not so warm reviews to say the least.

While I still stand by the fact that Jersey Girl isn't as bad as everyone thinks - it's got Carlin in it... how bad can it be? - I'm willing to acknowledge that having a serious success outside of the Jay & Silent Bob is of the utmost important for Smith and his credibility in the industry and with the audience as a whole.

Personally, I think Zack & Miri will be that movie.

He's sticking to what he knows best (comedy), has a solid cast with a bankable lead and a premise that isn't all that unbelievable while still being exceptionally funny. I mean seriously, tell me the thought of getting into porn hasn't crossed your mind once or twice before? They make great money... or have sex with a lot of skanky bitches!

Regardless of whether you've considered porn as a profession or not, if you're a fan of Kevin Smith and his movies, the long wait for his triumphant return is just about over.

If you're not a fan, stop coming here.

(Just kidding... but really, why don't you like him? Fat boy is funny!)

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Why, Because Your Other Career Moves Are Going So Well?

So one of my favourite girls of all-time, the incomparable Lindsay Lohan has apparently turned down a nearly $750,000 offer from Playboy to pose nude for their upcoming 55th Anniversary Issue.

Apparently being a pseudo-closeted lesbian who no one wants to hire because you're box office poison is working out far to well for Linds to jeopardize it by getting paid to do something she has done time and again for free in the past.

To her credit, she has been much more low key since she began dating stick figure Samantha Ronson. Gone is the cracked out, gant looking Lindsay, replaced by the curvy, big boobed girl we all fell in love with, but none of that has helped her land a job, so why not take the pay cheque while you can?

It's not like Heff wants you to do a pictoral with a horse or anything. In fact, the layout is said to be right up Lindsay's "Borrow from the Past" Alley, as she was been asked to recreate Ann Margaret's shoot entitled "Kitten in the Wind" from the 60's.

Recreating Marilyn she'll do, but posing in a pictoral of the person you most closely resemble in cinema history for a monster payday? Never.

Even though she's seamingly straightened up - pun very much intended - I still don't understand this girl...

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Dina Lohan: Still The Best Mom Ever

Inaugural Dishonour Roll inductee Dina Lohan is back in the headlines this week following the debut of her new show on E! Living Lohan.

The premise? Follow Dina et al around as she finds new ways to exploit her children and blame everyone else for the disaster that is her eldest child.

Back in November when Dina was dishonoured for her parenting skills, it was, for the most part, due to the antics of Lindsay and Dina's lack of interest in curbing her wild child daughter's self-destructive behaviour.

Today, it's a whole new barrel of monkeys.

You know what's an awesome parenting technique? Looking at porn that claims to be one of your daughters when the other walks in and asks you, "Is that Lindsay?"

This is precisely what happened in Episode 1 of Living Lohan.

Can you imagine? Ali is what, 15?

My parents would have slapped me silly had they found the porno mags I had tucked away in various locations throughout the house at age 15...

This woman is looking at porn claiming to be her daughter, not reacting in any way when her 15 year old walks in and asks about it and then calls Lindsay to confirm whether it is her or not.
How does that conversation go?

"Lindsay, it's Mommy. Listen baby, there are some pictures that look like you on the Internet. Did you suck any dick on camera recently?"

"Gee Mom, I dunno. It's been a while, I think. I haven't sucked any dick in like, three weeks. I'm a lesbian now, remember?"

The capper of it all is the next scene, where Dina insists that the paparazzi and the media attention have got to stop and threatens legal action to some poor schlep on the other end of a phone.

You know what would help Dina?

If you didn't prostitute your kids on television like they were giant cash cows.

But you couldn't do that now, could you? Then how would you get all the fame and attention you crave?

Peep the episode here.

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More Miley...

Here is the picture in question for the four people on Earth who haven't seen it yet.

Now let's talk about it.

Is it a little racy? Yes; she's 15 and clutching a sheet to her naked body, offering up a demur look to Annie Leibovitz' lens.

Is it any different than Brooke Shields frolicking topless in Blue Lagoon at the same age? Uh, no. Click for visual proof.

Or her declaring that "nothing comes between me and my Calvin's..."

I could go on and on with the far more dangerous and explicit images of young girls that have been laid out for society over the years I've been on this planet.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm sorry, but this isn't that bad.

Here is my take on why there has been such an uproar over the picture:

Seeing Disney's Perfect Princess taking photos like this scares the hell out of every parent who has encouraged their daughters to be like Miley.

You see, pre-photos, Miley was a perfect role model for the tween set and parents could point to her as the picture of virtue and purity and goodness.

Now, out come these photos - and others on some kids MySpace page - of a not-so-perfectly wholesome Miley doing what millions - literally millions - of kids in that age range do... discovering sex and sexuality.

The problem then becomes that if these parents can't point to wholesome Miley, who are they going to encourage their children to pattern themselves after? What are we to do?

1) You (parents) should be the best role model for your child. Hands down. NQA. I know it's not always the case, just saying...

2) Females - think back to when you were 15... did you start liking boys and experimenting a bit? Why should it be different for anyone else, including Miley Cyrus?

3) Diablo Cody said it best through Allison Janney's "Bren" in Juno: I think kids get bored and experiment with sex. More truthful words could not be uttered, especially in our current over-sexed society.

To draw from the anonymous comment left on yesterday's post, I offer up these thoughts:

You're right that "we" have to educate our children about what is right and wrong, but the "we" is parents and guardians and Miley's parents and guardians gave the thumbs up to these photos before the hoopla came to a head. Do you honestly think Achy Breaky Dad is trying to prostitute his daughter...

These aren't random photos found on Chester the Molesters hard drive, so therefore, they are different. It's not child porn masquerading as art. It is a goddamn photo shoot and thousands like it took place before this one without anyone batting an eye.

Is this really the biggest issue for us to be dealing with right now? I mean shit - it's a goddamn picture exposing her back. It's not like she's facing the forward doing the old "hand bra" technique or anything. But this is waaaay more important than the wars going on all over the world, the fact that people everywhere are without food, The Terminator runs California, Global Warming...

Have a little perspective, that's all I ask.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

It's been a busy and annoying week this week, lemme tell ya. Actually, that's sort of what I do here each week isn't it?

1. "Dance movies are kind of like porn huh?"
That was Sarah's assertion following our Valentine's night at the movies watching Step Up 2: The Streets. "You know, they have plots and everything but it's really just an excuse for the dancing." You have to admit, the woman kind of has a point, no?

2. Revenge of the No Returning Stars Sequel
A few weeks back I opined about this phenomenon and Step Up 2 is proof on celluloid. Yes, Channing Tatum reprises his role as Tyler Gage, but it's only for ten minutes to give you a clue as to who the new lead is. One dance off, one character introduction and he's out. The rest is all newbies and a below average flick. All that being said, I am a dance movie guy, so I still liked it, but it could have been waaaaaaaaay better.

3. Speaking of Movies That Could Have Been Better...
Valentine's Day turned into a Double Feature as we took in Jumper apres Step Up 2 and a brief intermission. You know those movies that aren't bad and you enjoy them but as soon as the credits roll you're thinking about how they could have change two or three things and made an even better movie? That was Jumper. Hopefully they'll do a better job on Jumper 2, which I say will hit the big screen in, let's say March 2010.

4. Triumphant Return Update
In talking things over a little in the last couple days, it's looking like I might make a triumphant return to Ontario earlier than originally planned. The original ETA was May when Sarah was done her placement in cold-ass Labrador, but that would leave me flying solo here in St. John's and really, what the hell would I do that for? So I think I'll be jumping on a plane sometime in early April to land in London for the summer. Status: Updated.

5. Is It Tuesday Yet?
Sitting here all week knowing that I wasn't going to get the latest issue of Passion in my hands until this coming Tuesday at the earliest has been killing me. I really am an impatient bastard some times. I think it's having seen the Natasha Bedingfield cover and knowing that my article is mentioned on said cover that has me even more antsy than normal. The fact that I'm picking it up at Chapters might have something to do with it too... since Chapters = Starbucks.

6. No One Likes a Quitter
More importantly, I don't like quitters, so why would I honestly want to be one? With that in mind, I'm taken up smoking again and lemme tell you how much I love it. Why I cleaned my lungs of all those delicious carcinogens and sweet, sweet nicotine in the first place is beyond me. Plus, I'm actually a much less angry person when I'm smoking. I get that from my mom...

7. Position Players Haven't Even Reported Yet
And I have three fantasy teams lined up - at three different sites - and draft preparation has begun. Draft #1 is Thursday for the Public Yahoo League I plan on winning. Draft #2 is an MLB.com league with my friend Beast; I plan on winning that too. Draft #3 is the most important one though, as it's the ultra-competitive, bragging rights battle of the Bugs & Cranks Crew at CBS Sportsline. I update you as the season progresses.

8. Some People Really Are Stupid
Like the ones who come in to request another movie because they didn't like the one they rented and then get mad at you when you tell them that is not possible. Seriously, this happens.

Customer: Hi, could I get another movie? This one is just really no good.

Spencer: Sorry, uh, we can't really do that. I mean, we'd be broke by next Tuesday if we did that.

Customer: Oh, no, I understand it's just that this one is really bad. I mean, we had to turn it off it was so bad.

Spencer: Oh I get it. It's Mr. Bean's Holiday. Of course it's bad. 30% of the movies we have in this store are awful. Have you seen Ice Spiders? Still, that doesn't mean we're going to give you a free movie because you have crappy taste.*

* Of course, I don't say this... I just think it and continue to be as diplomatic as possible until the customer invariably tells me I'm an asshole and that they're never renting from our store again.

9. Morons = Inspiration
As I've said before, it really is amazing where one draws their inspiration from. I draw mine from the common sense challenged customers of the world. Inspiration for what you ask? One of those illusions I harbour in my over-sized head...

10. Sarah Really, Really Wants a Dog
You know your girlfriend really wants a dog when she sits up at 11:00 at night watching the Westminster Dog and Kennel Show until you come home just so she can see all the cute little dogs. At least she's on board with naming the thing Balls whenever we get one...

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Searching for a Porn-ucopia

Not me: I have the Internet. All the porn I could ever ask for is only a mouse click away. If I ever wanted to look at porn....

No, this is the story of quite possibly the funniest customer interaction I've had in my lifetime working in the Customer Service industry. And I've been involved in some weird shit in working the casino and in bars over the years, but this trumps them all.

Last night, sometime around 10:30, a middle aged (read: 40's) guy comes into Blockbuster, doeas a quick glance around the store from just inside the door, turns to me behind the counter and asks, "You have an Adult Section?"

This is not an uncommon occurrence. We get lots of people asking if we carry porn. We don't, other than some softcore stuff like Married People, Single Sex Volumes 1-3 and a few artsy films that use that banner as a means of putting out naughtier stuff than the Playboy Channel.

"No, sorry man," was my reply, just as it always is. My usual choking back a laugh occurred too. What can I say, I find it amusing that people (1) still rent porn and (2) think that Blockbuster is going to have a back room full of it.

"D'you know anywhere I can get some?" the would-be viewer asked.

"Yep, right across the street. Jumbo," I answered, instructing the porn-seeking gentlemen to shop with our competition at Jumbo Video.

"D'you know anywhere else? The selection they have over there sucks."

Stifling a laugh, I managed to get the words, "No. Sorry, I don't," out as the disheartened porn hunter left the store. Then I died laughing.

Answer me this: At what point do you stop driving around town looking for porn, especially when you've located an establishment from where you can procure the object of your desires?

11:00 at night? Midnight? Never?

Do drunks go bar to bar asking what kind of whiskey is on the shelf, only to leave when they find out they're only serving CC?

"Swill... I may be a drunk in need of a drink, but I won't drink that piss!"

Somehow, I think not.

I can just picture this guy driving around town in an effort to find Bad Babysitters 7 because Jumbo's choices of Bad Babysitters 2: Even Badder and Asian Heat 52 wasn't quite good enough.

And what determines a quality porn selection anyway?

I know everyone has the things that they're into, but at a certain point, porn is porn. The end result is the same, just how the "actors" get to that point is different. So too might be the outfits, locations, horrible dialog (if any) and ethnicity of the female cast. But at 10:30 - 11:00 at night, do you really need to be picky with your porn?

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