Dina Lohan: Still The Best Mom Ever

Inaugural Dishonour Roll inductee Dina Lohan is back in the headlines this week following the debut of her new show on E! Living Lohan.

The premise? Follow Dina et al around as she finds new ways to exploit her children and blame everyone else for the disaster that is her eldest child.

Back in November when Dina was dishonoured for her parenting skills, it was, for the most part, due to the antics of Lindsay and Dina's lack of interest in curbing her wild child daughter's self-destructive behaviour.

Today, it's a whole new barrel of monkeys.

You know what's an awesome parenting technique? Looking at porn that claims to be one of your daughters when the other walks in and asks you, "Is that Lindsay?"

This is precisely what happened in Episode 1 of Living Lohan.

Can you imagine? Ali is what, 15?

My parents would have slapped me silly had they found the porno mags I had tucked away in various locations throughout the house at age 15...

This woman is looking at porn claiming to be her daughter, not reacting in any way when her 15 year old walks in and asks about it and then calls Lindsay to confirm whether it is her or not.
How does that conversation go?

"Lindsay, it's Mommy. Listen baby, there are some pictures that look like you on the Internet. Did you suck any dick on camera recently?"

"Gee Mom, I dunno. It's been a while, I think. I haven't sucked any dick in like, three weeks. I'm a lesbian now, remember?"

The capper of it all is the next scene, where Dina insists that the paparazzi and the media attention have got to stop and threatens legal action to some poor schlep on the other end of a phone.

You know what would help Dina?

If you didn't prostitute your kids on television like they were giant cash cows.

But you couldn't do that now, could you? Then how would you get all the fame and attention you crave?

Peep the episode here.

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Dishonour Roll: The Spears Family

Seriously, this is just too easy. The jokes almost write themselves. God love families like this and the ridiculous society we live in that has thrust the daily happenings of these good folks from Kentwood, LA into our lives.

We know all about Britney; for the sake of keeping the reading quick and easy, I'll simply say this:

When Kevin Federline is the good parent, you've got some serious issues. Right now - post VMA's - he also may be the better performer, which is a definite sign that the apocolypes is coming.

Now for the real good stuff.

Brit's Lil' Sis Jamie Lynn, who has her own show on Disney and is sort of a less liked version of Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus, announced to UK tabloid OK! that she is pregnant...

She's 16!

I'm no idiot and I know this stuff happens all the time and blah, blah, blah, but sweet merciful jebus wouldn't you think that this kid would take a look at what a train wreck her sister is and do everything imaginable to ensure she doesn't get knocked up?

Don't even start with the "accidents happen" and the only way to be 100% safe is to abstain mumbo-jumbo either; I've yet to meet anyone who got pregnant from swallowing, not to mention sundry other adult film options I won't get into at this time.

D'you know what makes it all even better? The cherry on top of the Britney / Jamie Lynn sundae?

Their mother was planning a parenting book!

Honestly - how does this happen? Who makes these decisions?

Unless the book was going to be called "I Raised'em Right and They Still Fucked Up" by Lynne Spears, this shouldn't have even been an option. Unless, of course, it was meant all along as a joke, but I know that wasn't the case.

Best of all was the "After the news of her 16-year-old daughter's pregnancy, plans for the Lynne Spears parenting book that she was working on have been put on hold."

D'you think?!

I never thought a family could out crazy the Lohans, but my god, the Spears Clan has gone and done it!

Someone needs to make this into a weekly TV show - Lohan's vs. Spears' : Crazy in Life. Sad thing is, I'm almost certain someone has probably suggested it at one point or another...

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Dishonour Roll: Dina Lohan

Dishonour Roll is the new Thursday feature where each week, one deserving mouth-breather will be taken to task for whatever reasons I see fit.

Something tells me that Dina Lohan paid way more attention to Amy Poehler than her daughter Lindsay during the filming of Mean Girls. And not the real Amy Poehler, but Poehler's character, the mother of alpha Plastic Regina George. You know, the one who's not a real mom, but more like a cool mom.

Sadly enough, she'll tell you the same thing. By you, I mean Harper's Magazine, where she said she's more like a sister to Lindsay.

Guess what Dina? You're not her sister. You're her mother. You're also her biggest enabler, because you would rather be her sister and collect as much residual celebrity as you can while your daughter spirals out of control.

Well congratulations - you've done it! You have your own show in the works. By the way, how's Lindsay doing? That's right, she's a cokehead, a booze hound and has seen more shaft than your average elevator and she's what, 21? Don't tell me - the media and society are to blame right?

D'you know who is really to blame D-Lo? Three guesses, first two don't count...

How about instead of riffling Daughter #2 into the industry that has turned Daughter #1 into the colossal fuck-up that she is, you take ten minutes and reevaluate the situation. Maybe you want to spend a little time with Lindsay, you know, maybe help her kick the drugs and booze and teach her how to drive? Let Ali have a normal childhood instead of seeing the dollar signs? Living vicariously through your children is different than prostituting them to Hollywood...

One thing you definitely can't do is say you fear for your daughter's life because of the paparazzi that is always hounding her while you vamp for pictures and self-promote. Maybe, and this is just me thinking out loud here, if your barely legal daughter wasn't out in clubs sans panties from age 16 on hanging out with Paris the Heiress and Mrs. Federline, the paparazzi wouldn't be following her every move. I hate the bloodsucking, rotten bastards as much as the next guy, but to an extent, they're only doing their job. Maybe you should do yours, hmm?

If you're really worried and not just saying what you think the media wants to hear from "Lindsay's Mom," go grab her by her over-dyed hair, drag her out of the club and toss her into rehab for an indefinite period. And not Celebrity Rehab either - Real Rehab - where some sketched out meth-head will scare the stupid outta your daughter. Or is it going to take something worse for you to get over yourself and see your daughter is a mess and needs serious help? Maybe an overdose or a more serious car accident than the 47 fender benders she's been in already?

Or maybe Ali will get her tits done too and start clubbing it up too. Yeah, that would be way more fun, especially if you're Dina Lohan.

Pffffffffft!

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