Wait... It's Thursday? This Too Is Jimmy Fallon's Fault!

How is it Thursday? When did this happen?

Obviously, it happened at 12:00 this morning but you know what I mean. I was positive that yesterday was Tuesday which is why I dedicated this space to blasting Jimmy Fallon for making The Roots his house band as opposed to delivering my Wednesday staple, The Rundown.

Damn you Jimmy Fallon! You made me let down my 19 loyal readers!

Since things are always pretty free form around here though, there is nothing to say that we can't make up for Fallon'ed time and get to The Rundown today.

In fact, today's Rundown will actually be in honour of the future late night TV host.

The Jimmy Fallon Five: The Unfunniest Comics Around

5. Horacio Sanz
If we're doing the Jimmy Fallon List then it's only right to include Fallon's Comic Sidekick Sanz. No one person in the history of sketch comedy has ever broken character as much as Sanz; the guy couldn't get through the most simple delivery without laughing, which basically means he repeatedly failed at his job. I don't remember a single character Sanz portrayed in his time on SNL. All I remember is him laughing the middle of a skit and me wanting to jump through the TV and strangle him. Apparently Tracey Morgan felt the same way too.

4. Steven Wright
Wright may in fact be one of the funniest people around, except I wouldn't know it. I can't get through four words before the look of the guy just creeps the bejesus out of me. Not only that, but his trademark lethargic, deadpan deliver makes me fall asleep where I then proceed to have dreams about being chased by creepy looking Steven Wright.

3. Larry The Cable Guy
Rednecks were funny in 1993 when Jeff Foxworthy first started with his whole "You Might Be a Redneck" bit. Now, even Foxworthy has moved on and cut off most of his mullet, leaving the throne to an "actual" Redneck. Problem is, nothing this guy says is funny. He's a walking incarnation of people laughing at you, not with you.

2. Kathy Griffin
If "funny" means "annoying and obnoxious" than she's the funniest lady on the planet.

1. Dane Cook
What? You were expecting someone else? He's still a douchebag and I'm still not a Frat Boy, so the opinion hasn't changed. In fact, it's become stronger since I keep seeing him show up in movies playing the same super-douche character (outside of Mr. Brooks) to very unfunny results. My Best Friend's Girl was basically Good Luck Chuck with Cook not being a dentist. To think anyone would buy Dane Cook as a dentist, now that's funny!

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The Rundown: First Year Favourites

I got no idea where the time has gone, but Friday will mark the 1 Year Anniversary of this blog.

Since beginning last Halloween, there have been 336 post written on this site (including this one) which is a pretty healthy number if I do say so myself. It's been an absolute blast so far and I'd like to think that being here and doing this everyday has not only been a great help to me as a vehicle for improving my writing, but it's also been both educational and entertaining at times.

In fact, that's going to be the new description in the title box: I Blog Because I Can - Quality Canadian Edutainment!

Anyway, I thought I'd use today's Rundown to look back at the five posts I've enjoyed the most over this year. Whether it's because of what it means to me, the number of comments and discussions it got started or just because it was totally retarded and kept me laughing.

Since I'm showing you mine, it means you have to show me your's later... deal?

Top Five First Year Posts

5. Dane Cook: Please God Make It Stop

The second post in the history of iBlog, this one not only kept me laughing for hours after I finished because I'm very much that guy who laughs at his own jokes, but also became fairly topical shortly thereafter because Memorial University was actually trying to bring Douchebag Dane in for a show. Needless to say, I let everyone and anyone know how much I despise the unfunny funny man.

4. Searching for a Porn-ucopia!

I made fun of a lot of customers from my various places of employment over the course of the last year, but this one was easily the funniest. Dude came into Blockbuster out east looking for porn and when told him to go to Jumbo across the road, he scoffed as their selection wasn't up to code. Absolutely hilarious...

3. Anything About Britney or Lindsay or Megan Fox

Not because I get to run a picture of a scantily clad skank to draw in the casual surfers who Stumble Upon site, but because these ridiculous tramps always - and I mean always - provide some kind of material to write about. I mean, I know it's usually them being totally moronic or breathing our precious air. Plus, I would bet that I've written more posts about them combined than anything else. I'm too lazy to actually count, but feel free if you'd like.

2. Soundtrack of My Life

These pieces have been special to me not only because I love writing about music and they help shed a little light on my inspirations to all of you who read this site, but because I've helped turn some people onto new bands and songs and music and that is awesome. Newt loves Mark Ronson and out East my girl E used to have a Spencer Playlist on her iPod consisting of all the Soundtrack songs. That's the ultimate right there as far as I'm concerned.

1. The Three Posts About My Grandfather

These three posts are my favourites because of everything surrounding them. The sudden illness and passing of my grandfather back in May made me reassess some things in my life and take stock of what is really important. Sadly, it took his passing for me to realize just how important and influential he is in my life. I also really enjoyed getting the opportunity to introduce all of you an incredible man.

There. You've seen mine... show me your's in the comments section!

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The Rundown: Beyond A Bad Idea

So, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are dating again. How cute?

There is even talk that Kate wants to get a place with "The Butterscotch Stallion" in New York. Can't blame her on that one - rent is a bitch!

But really, am I the only one who sees this a horrible, horrible idea? I'm no psychic but I can tell you right now that this ends badly. Not Owen back in the hospital because he's tried to kill himself again badly, but badly enough that someone needs to slap the two of them upside the head for thinking this could work out.

She's going in undoubtedly loaded with guilt - now that she's done humping the likes of Dax Sheppard and Owen isn't loco anymore - and wants to make the relationship work, but trust me, doing things because you're feeling guilty isn't a good starting point.

As for him, he gets what he has wanted all along. He wanted her when she was married to Jesus Impersonator Chris Robinson, he wanted her when they were together initially and he wanted her when she broke things off the first time. How is rewarding the guy with his track record and some serious dependency issues a good idea?

But this is Hollywood, man. These people are celebrities. This type of bad idea is a daily occurrence. Someone in Hollywood is having a horrible idea right now. There is nothing we can do to stop it. Or is there?

Top Five Bad Celebrity Ideas

5. "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days 2: Fool's Gold"
Just because a pairing catches lightning in a bottle once doesn't mean that it's sure to happen every time you put them opposite each other on the screen. And no, I didn't intentionally use Kate Hudson here, it's just the most recent example of Hollywood stupidity that came to mind.

4. Madonna's New Album... Produced By Timbaland
Listen, I'm a huge fan of Tim Mosley - have been from the jump with Aaliyah's second album - but his teaming up with JT and making the best album of the last five years (I said it!) doesn't mean that he can revive your aging career. Madge was great and is an icon. That being said, she needs to make like Ric Flair and hang'em up. Retire to the English countryside and work on her not failing marriage while raising her kids. No one needs a woman who turns 50 in the summer prancing around in a unitard trying to be hip. Think I'm being overly cruel to The Material Girl? Go back and listen to her rapping on American Life and get back to me, m'kay...

3. Katie Holmes' Haircut
Unless she is trying to look more like her husband, the short bob thing she has going on is absolutely awful. Yeah, I'm being a catty bitch today, I know. It's just one of those days...

2. A New Kids On The Block Reunion
A couple thoughts on this:
a) Making your first appearance together in years on the Today Show: Your former fans are all at work. Their mothers and grandmothers will be glad to TiVo the segment for them though.
b) At what point do you have to stop using the word kids in your name? I know they tried to grow up and switch to NKOTB, but that K still stands for kids. Seriously... you're all pushing 40!
c) No one really cares, so why bother... or are you all broke?

1. Being Dane Cook
It's been some time since I kicked the dumb bastard in the balls, so why not fire off another round of crotch shots today, seeing as a pair of Boston area DJ's have named Dumb Fuck Chuck the "Unfunniest Comic" on the face of the Earth? D'you know what makes it all okay though? Knowing that in a year or two, the rest of the world will catch on and Dane Cook will be on Surreal Life or some show full of washed up has-beens, longing for the days when frat boys and ditzy blonds thought he was funny.

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Sandra Bernhard Isn't Dead?

Wow, you really do learn something new everyday.

The totally irrelevant Bernhard is one of the females featured in the April issue of Vanity Fair as they pay tribute to the Funny Girls. Did someone forget to tell Vanity Fair that it's not 1992 or were they set on 12 ladies and couldn't think of anyone else, so they gave her a call?

Seriously, the rest of the collection is perfect and we'll get to them in a second, but Bernhard, what the fuck is she doing in there?

She was barely relevant when she was a recurring character on Roseanne. D'you know how long ago Roseanne was? So long ago that it's not even in syndication any more, that's how long. She's a loud mouth with the biggest lips in the world, but other than that, nothing. Wasn't Elizabeth Banks free?

Like I said a earlier, the rest of the ensemble is dynamite:

• Sarah Silverman (pictured above riding the porcelain) is probably the most famous right now, especially after her totally awesome birthday present to boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. Although, apparently Kimmel has someone on the side too.
  
• Tina Fey, of Saturday Night Live, Mean Girls and 30 Rock fame
• Amy Poehler, the constant Robin to Tina Fey's Batman*
• Jenna Fischer, Pam from The Office
• Kristen Wiig who played the smart-ass E! Executive in Knocked Up
• Leslie Mann, who you'll know as the drunk chick who barfed all over Steve Carrell in The 40 Year Old Virgin
• Plus Susie Essman (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Chelsea Handler (E!'s Chelsea Lately), Maya Rudolph (SNL), Amy Sedaris (Strangers with Candy) and Wanda Sykes (Chris Rock Show)

* What is the female equivalent to this? Batman & Robin just sounds wrong here, you know, with them having vaginas and all. Although, Robin was sackless too.

Anyway, there is an ulterior motive to my name dropping the entire group from the VF shoot...

It's so you can start paying attention to these insanely talented and funny people and stop with the Dane Cook already! Seriously, Dane Cook couldn't hold Sarah Silverman's bra. Or Tina Fey's panties. Ah, Tina Fey's panties...

What was I talking about again? Right, funny ladies. Check'em out backstage at the shoot here.

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Things I Learned This Week

1. Losing Your Luggage Isn't All Bad
My man Deuce, the one with the fire-filled comment directed at John Q. Anonymous a couple pieces back, had his luggage "misplaced" flying home from Vancouver over the New Year. As it turns out, because he used his credit card to book the flight, said credit card company gives him a $100/day clothing allowance for his troubles to a maximum of five days. Needless to say, Deuce is going shopping in the very near future to replace his lost wardrobe. You should maybe go on Tuesday Deuce. I'm off. I could go with you. I'm good at shopping.

2. Get Everything Done Before You Open the First Beer
Because if you don't, you'll finish the first beer and open the second and then next thing you know, you've drank the entire 8-pack of Guinness that was supposed to last you the night, you didn't end up writing that blog post you were planning (Sorry Everyone!) and you're half in the bag by the time you're ready to start making dinner. The moral of the story? I got drunk last night...

3. I Am, In Fact, A Sally
Tapped out somewhere around 12:30 last night. Yep, 12:30. That's it. Deuce was still chugging along and Sarah was well into Drunk Sarah mode where she could drink lighter fluid and not feel a thing. As for me, I had puked a little and was ready to pack it in before the clock hit 1 AM. What the hell has happened to me? I blame working nine days in a row at Blockbuster and being woken up at 9 AM by the rampaging toddler upstairs, but really, that's just the kind of thing a Sally who tapped out before 1 AM would be expected to say. I'll try to do better next time.

4. Canadian Sports Media Sucks
D'you know what's awesome? When the two best teams in all of hockey face off against one another, one of them being from the Nation's Capital, the other being my Red Wings, and every sports outlet in this country leads with the litany of problems plaguing the Toronto Maple Leafs. Are you shitting me? I don't care that you're the biggest city in the country and have the most loyal fans in the world. The Leafs are shit and everyone, especially Leafs fans, need to start realizing this.

5. You Like Me! You Really Like Me!
This ode to Sally Field brought to you by the nine - count'em 9! - Fans of E. Spencer Kyte on Facebook. Much thanks to Sarah Cole, AJ Godson, Lance Doucette, Erin Dillon, Ashley Clements, David Chalk, Mark Townsend and Bryan Buchanan for signing up. A bigger shout out goes to Chalk's friend Galina who is the only person not connected to me in some way, shape or form who has joined. You guys and gals rock! To the rest of you, what the fuck is the matter with you? Join already bitches... especially you Smitty!

6. Sarah's Scrabble Supremacy is Failing
I've got two wins in a row and counting. She'll tell you I have one win in a row and we quit the game before that, but the truth is she lost interest and started chatting on MSN for the simple reason that she was getting her ass handed to her and is so competitive that she would rather quit than actually admit defeat.

7. I Hate The Simpson Sisters
Ashley is engaged to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, whose heartbroken tales of suburban emo misery I greatly enjoy. How can one write about being miserable and having a shitty life if you in fact aren't miserable and don't have a shitty life? Fall Out Boy will never be the same. Big sister Jessica could be the blame for an even bigger screw up if things don't go well for the Dallas Cowboys this afternoon. Should her current boyfriend Tony Romo and his teammates shit the bed against the New York Football Giants, it won't be the Giants who get credit for playing well, it'll be Yoko Simpson taking the blame for dragging Tony off to Cancun this week when he should have been focusing on football. Us media types are retarded... Jessica also makes me puke a little in my mouth for introducing the world at large to Nick Lachey, which in turn made his stupid little brother Drew a C-List Celebrity.

8. Kevin Smith Doesn't Reply to MySpace Messages
So there is a push to get the man who is responsible for Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy et al out to Memorial University for a Q&A a la his An Evening With series. Proving that Facebook is taking over the world, there is a group for it. Yes, I'm a member of said group. I am also a former MySpace user and have Kevin Smith on my friend list, so I thought I would send him a message to see if I could drum up some information on how one would go about sorting something like this out. That was ten days ago and I've got nothing. I'm sure there is a logical explanation - namely that he is a busy man who gets thousands of messages a day polluting his Inbox - but still. I'll keep you posted on the status... ten days and counting.

9. Apparently, Writing A Funny Movie that Lasts Longer Than 96 Minutes is Hard Work
Brought home three new comedy releases this weekend - Mr. Woodcock, Good Luck Chuck and The Ten. None of them are more than 96 minutes long and none of them are all that funny. Woodcock was decent enough. Billy Bob plays a bastard pretty well and Amy Poehler needs to get even more work as she is one of the funniest women around. You all know how I feel about Dane Cook, so that doesn't need to be rehashed and The Ten was just plain shitty. I suppose I should be thankful that none of them cost me more than an hour and a half of my life, but I mean, is it really that hard to come up with a new, funny idea and make it work for, heaven forbid, 120 minutes?

10. The People of New Hampshire Are Racist
While it's probably not very truthful, I need some kind of explanation of why Hilary Clinton won the NH Primary and not The Next President of the United States Barack Obama. Playing the race card seems like the most ridiculous notion, so I'll go with that. On a sad note, it's hilarious to me that I care a lot more about US Politics than I do Canadian Politics. Maybe it's because of the sorry state of Canadian Politics. I mean, who doesn't love powerless Minority Governments?!

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Dane Cook: Please God Make It Stop!

There is only one reason why I am glad the baseball playoffs are over:

I don't have to suffer any more of those goddamn awful Dane Cook "There Is Only One October" commercials!

Major League Baseball couldn't have picked a worse commercial pitchman, outside of maybe seeing if Satan himself wasn't busy.

Now "Good Luck Chuck" has been a topic of conversation a number of times over at Bugs, with my man Cam Martin penning a hilarious pseudo-interview with Captain Douche Bag earlier this week, but that isn't what has brought his joke-stealing, non-funny ass to mind. Nope, it's the fact that "The Great Dane" is invading my home and native land this week and a bunch of people I know are amped to go and see him.

I'm a confessed Facebook'aholic - it really is like Internet Crack - which means that I spend about as much time on Facebook as I do on everything else in my day combined and I'm sickened by what I've found.

My brother, my own flesh and blood, left me this nugget in his birthday message to me:

"We're going to see Dane Cook in Toronto on Friday...you must know and like him...I'll let you know."
- Peter Kyte

I believe my reply contained the words "fuck no", "I hope you didn't pay for those tickets" and "he's a joke-stealing, not funny douche bag" which is right in line with the opinions of Cook's contemporaries. Actually, I won't lessen their talents by calling them his contemporaries...

Don't believe me, Google him. See what other comics have to say about the frat boy favourite.

And if knowing that actual funny people (David Cross, Joe Rogan, Zack Galifianakis) think Cook sucks balls isn't enough to cheer you up, go rent Mr. Brooks and watch Kevin Costner slit his throat with a shovel.

Yeah, I know enjoying that makes me a sick bastard. I'm okay with that.

Fuck Dane Cook!

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