In today's New York Post, Page Six asks the question, "Is Paris Over?" after the heiress was mercilessly booed before she even took the stage at some designer's daughter's Birthday celebration over the weekend.
Memo to the New York Post: Paris Was Over A Couple Years Ago!
I never much cared for the talentless tramp, but there is no denying that there was a period of time when she was without question the most widely known and discussed member of the Pop Culture pantheon.
The Simple Life was a surprise smash for Fox.
She started "acting" in movies.
Her image was everywhere.
Like it or not, Paris Hilton was relevant, at least in a "Who gets the most media exposure?" kind of way.
But that was a couple years ago, before she became "a singer" and started dating guys named Stavros and Paris and long before she broke up with whatever Madden she was dating.
Her show on MTV, Paris Hilton's My New BFF epitomizes how over Paris truly is.
For starters, the term BFF is passe seeing as it made appearances in cell phone ads.
The ratings are horrible and more importantly there are new reality television "stars" that people have been flocking to much more fondly than Paris over the past number of years. The Heiress can't hold a candle to the cast of The Hills.
Personally, I think Paris should welcome this downturn in attention. Without the cameras constantly in her face, maybe she could spend a little time finding a career or a hobby or something other than being rich and famous for absolutely nothing.
Look at her little sister. I haven't heard word one about Nicky Hilton in ages and I betcha she's doing just fine thankyouverymuch...
The basic rule is that when you have to ask if something or someone is over, you've already answered your own question.
Paris Hilton is over. May she disappear into the sunset, never to be heard from again.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Since When is the NY Post So Behind?
Monday, August 4, 2008
How Much For Our Precious Family Memories?
D'you know what I love seeing as I'm standing in line at the grocery store, ready to have the lady with the haired lip and wonky eye look mysteriously at my produce purchases trying to decide what kind of apples I've bought (Royal Gala) and what the long cucumber-looking thingy in the bag is?
The thing in the bag is zucchini (for Sarah - I think it's nasty) and the thing I love is all the magazine covers shouting about Exclusive! First Photos of (Insert Celebrity Name Here) and their baby!
This week, of course, is the week of the newest members of the Brangelina Family, Vivienne and Knox, on the cover of a couple glossy-paged mags. But they are far from the first as anyone who has bought groceries in the last half-decade knows.
Everyone has been doing this as of late and I have to say that I think it is the most ridiculous thing in the entire world.
Now, the celebs themselves will cling to the "this way we have control and don't have to worry about the paparazzi" line, except we all know that is a load of crap. It's not like some money-hungry camera jockey isn't still going to follow Brad and Angie around everywhere they go, especially now that there are two new additions to the posse.
What they should really be saying - the celebrities - is something along the lines of, "Well, we figured since these rat bastard photographers are going to make a mint snapping pics of our kids, why shouldn't we too?"
Note: Brad and Angelina netted a cool $14M for these phots. Fourteen Million Dollars!
The other part of it that makes me cringe is that all you ever hear celebrities say about photoshoots is how they're never as glamourous as they end up looking: it's a lot of standing and posing and bending and twisting and getting the shot set up and blah blah blah blah blah.
If it's wholly unenjoyable for a grown-up, how awesome can it possibly be for a kid who only entered the world a handful of weeks ago?
Scariest thought of all: What's next?
Exclusive: OK! Magazine in the Delivery Room, complete with action shots!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Really? Nelly?
The smoldering pile of long legs and technicolour gorgeousness to the left is Joss Stone.
She's a British Soul and R&B singer who has been nominated for a couple Grammy Awards. Maybe you heard her remake / cover of The White Stripes "Fell In Love with a Boy"...
Anyway, I'm a huge Joss Stone fan and have been since day one, not just because she is real easy on the eyes but because she's got some serious pipes on her and belts out soulful tunes like no little white girl has in a long long time.
So you can imagine my dismay when I was scouring the rags as I often do and came across the news that Ms. Stone has a new Mr. in her life... Nelly.
Pimp Juice Nelly.
Grillz Nelly.
Band-Aid on my cheek Nelly.
I was relevant and hot in 2000 (Country Grammar) and 2002 (Hot in Herre) Nelly.
Seriously?
Of all the men in the world, the only one out there that fine-ass Joss Stone could date, the only man she can find is Nelly?
This makes me very, very sad.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Plucked from the Headlines: Verne Troyer Stops Sex Tape
For the record, Verne Troyer is the given name of the vertically-impaired gentleman who is most known as Mini-Me from Austin Powers, pictured on the left.
With that cleared up, the question that needs to be asked is, "Are you effing kidding me?"
I'm not saying little people can't do the nasty - everyone can and should - but there are a couple serious problems that need to be address here:
Are you prepared for the forthcoming Nuclear Holocaust?
This is the only way I can see this story / situation being (a) newsworthy and (b) of interest to anyone who doesn't spend their entire day staring at their computer screen in the dark basement of their mother's house with their shorts around their ankles.
How screwed up are we?
We're at a stage now where people are actually interested in a Verne Troyer Sex Tape? Really? I know the answer to this is, "Spen, do you know how many hits 2 Girls, 1 Cup got?" and that explains how messed up our entertainment / voyeurism compass truly is these days, but damn.
You know it's going to be released for sale, right?
The only reason this thing is being stopped is that Troyer hasn't lined up a way for him to get some fat stacks into his little hands off of this a la One Night in Paris. Once he gets the legal work done, you'll be able to get a hold of this thing for the low, low price of whatever it costs to rent a movie from your friendly, neighborhood Skin Flick Store.
* * * * * * * * * *
If you value your eyesight, do not - I repeat DO NOT - Google or YouTube 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
If you ignore my warnings, welcome to the world where everything else isn't nearly as gross as 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Rundown: Beyond A Bad Idea
So, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are dating again. How cute?
There is even talk that Kate wants to get a place with "The Butterscotch Stallion" in New York. Can't blame her on that one - rent is a bitch!
But really, am I the only one who sees this a horrible, horrible idea? I'm no psychic but I can tell you right now that this ends badly. Not Owen back in the hospital because he's tried to kill himself again badly, but badly enough that someone needs to slap the two of them upside the head for thinking this could work out.
She's going in undoubtedly loaded with guilt - now that she's done humping the likes of Dax Sheppard and Owen isn't loco anymore - and wants to make the relationship work, but trust me, doing things because you're feeling guilty isn't a good starting point.
As for him, he gets what he has wanted all along. He wanted her when she was married to Jesus Impersonator Chris Robinson, he wanted her when they were together initially and he wanted her when she broke things off the first time. How is rewarding the guy with his track record and some serious dependency issues a good idea?
But this is Hollywood, man. These people are celebrities. This type of bad idea is a daily occurrence. Someone in Hollywood is having a horrible idea right now. There is nothing we can do to stop it. Or is there?
Top Five Bad Celebrity Ideas
5. "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days 2: Fool's Gold"
Just because a pairing catches lightning in a bottle once doesn't mean that it's sure to happen every time you put them opposite each other on the screen. And no, I didn't intentionally use Kate Hudson here, it's just the most recent example of Hollywood stupidity that came to mind.
4. Madonna's New Album... Produced By Timbaland
Listen, I'm a huge fan of Tim Mosley - have been from the jump with Aaliyah's second album - but his teaming up with JT and making the best album of the last five years (I said it!) doesn't mean that he can revive your aging career. Madge was great and is an icon. That being said, she needs to make like Ric Flair and hang'em up. Retire to the English countryside and work on her not failing marriage while raising her kids. No one needs a woman who turns 50 in the summer prancing around in a unitard trying to be hip. Think I'm being overly cruel to The Material Girl? Go back and listen to her rapping on American Life and get back to me, m'kay...
3. Katie Holmes' Haircut
Unless she is trying to look more like her husband, the short bob thing she has going on is absolutely awful. Yeah, I'm being a catty bitch today, I know. It's just one of those days...
2. A New Kids On The Block Reunion
A couple thoughts on this:
a) Making your first appearance together in years on the Today Show: Your former fans are all at work. Their mothers and grandmothers will be glad to TiVo the segment for them though.
b) At what point do you have to stop using the word kids in your name? I know they tried to grow up and switch to NKOTB, but that K still stands for kids. Seriously... you're all pushing 40!
c) No one really cares, so why bother... or are you all broke?
1. Being Dane Cook
It's been some time since I kicked the dumb bastard in the balls, so why not fire off another round of crotch shots today, seeing as a pair of Boston area DJ's have named Dumb Fuck Chuck the "Unfunniest Comic" on the face of the Earth? D'you know what makes it all okay though? Knowing that in a year or two, the rest of the world will catch on and Dane Cook will be on Surreal Life or some show full of washed up has-beens, longing for the days when frat boys and ditzy blonds thought he was funny.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
One Down, Countless More to Go
I've got some sad news for all the celebriholics out there. What's a celebriholic you ask?
celebriholic (sell-eb-ra-hall-ick) - noun: a person who is addicted to the daily happenings in the lives of celebrities; devote followers and readers of Perez Hilton (pictured) and Us Weekly, to name but two.
You can cross PageSix.com off your list of daily Internet gossip stops because they've pulled the plug and I can't tell you how ecstatic that makes me.
Now, regardless of what their statement says, they pulled the plug because they're constantly getting their ass kicked by TMZ.com but still, one less piece of tabloid trash in the world is a victory for those of us who could care less about Britney, Paris, Nicole and the drama between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.
Speaking of Spencer, if I ever happen upon that douchebag in this lifetime or the next, he's getting a shot in the nuts for ruining our name. He's the most famous "Spencer" of this generation and he's making the rest of us look like tools. People hear Spencer, they think cheating dickwad and that ain't cool. We need another Spencer Tracy. I'd even settle for another Spenser for Hire.
Unfortunately, even with PageSix.com going the way of the dinosaur there are still waaaaay to many minds rotting on the celebrity gossip and nonsense that has become mainstream media fodder.
If we stop paying attention, they'll all fade into obscurity... and the world will be a better place.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Don't We All Audition Spouses?
Last I remember, that was called dating and almost everybody does it.
Personally, paying for sex and companionship got boring - and expensive - so I quit doing that years ago and forayed back into the auditions.
First dates are interviews, subsequent dates, should you make it through the screening process are auditions. Am I the only one who knows this?
The longer you last in a relationship, the more auditioning you're doing. Think about it. You start off easy enough, getting through simple things like dinners and nights out with friends, then maybe step it up to meeting the parents and family. If things are still going swimmingly, you move in together. And d'you know what that is? A test run to see if the two of you could survive living together as if you were married. D'you know what another name for a test run is? An audition.
As we speak, I'm auditioning for the lead in The Sarah Cole Story. I think I got the part, but one slip up somewhere and she could be sending out a casting call.
We all audition spouses.
So how come everyone's favourite Scientologist and President of the Brooke Shields Fan Club Tom Cruise is catching so much grief?
For those with their fingers as far away from the pulse as possible, reports have once again surfaced - as they did years ago when Tom was jumping on couches first proclaiming his undying love for Kate - that the current Mrs. Cruise wasn't even on the Medal Podium when Tom originally began his search for a wife.
As it goes, the top three were current Mrs. Ben Affleck Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johannson and Jessica Alba with Joey Potter sitting fourth. Jen had no interest in the part, nor did Jessica and Scarlett bolted once she got to the Hollywood Scientology Center, which left Tom down to the young girl who famously gushed about her childhood crush on Maverick the Last Samurai.
Now, I agree that you, me and nearly everyone else on the planet don't actually audition candidates for the role of husband or wife, but this is Tom Cruise people. He can't be expected to date like everyone else. He doesn't have time for that. Between trying to reach a higher level of enlightenment or whatever the hell the goal of Scientology is and getting his hair done, who has time for dating?
So he took the Hollywood route, literally. Katie came in, read for the part and Tom knew the minute he saw her tape that she was "The One." What a nice story to tell Suri one day...
"Mommy was actually Daddy's fourth choice, but the first three weren't crazy enough to take part is this little charade to conceal Daddy's homosexuality. So after I had her run some lines and consulted with my publicist, we decided Mommy was the right person for me to stand beside in pictures and pretend I love. Then our agent told us we should have a baby to make our relationship look even more real and nine months later, you were born. We named you Suri for the extra attention a unique name brings."
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