Going Grumpy

That's me - third from the left, or second from the right if you'd like.

At least, more and more that is becoming me, a more distinguished gentlemen who surely has a choice opinion on everything from President Obama (good) to Kate Gosselin (not so good) and everything in between (varies depending on the topic).

What's interesting (at least to me) is that I'm increasingly becoming someone I never thought I would become; I'm that guy who shakes his head at innovation and says things like, "We didn't have that when I was growing up."

Holy shit sports fans... I'm a Grumpy Old Man.

I fully realized this last night when a commercial for some new car came on and details the features found inside the vehicle.

Seriously, do we really need a 40-gig computer in a car now? Voice-activated GPS? Digital radio that syncs up to your iPod or home computer so you can listen to only the music you want all the time without the annoyances of talking or commercials?

I know? What 30-year-old in his right mind doesn't want this stuff?

Well, me, if you decide to count 31-year-olds in the above category.

When I was growing up we had maps and tape decks and radio stations that either played great music or had amusing DJ's (but not both), not built-in DVD players and some robotic women telling me to turn left in 800 metres.

Honestly, have we really become that lazy that we can't put a CD into a CD player or have whoever is riding shotgun desperately trying to find where we turn left to get to the mall?

We've literally innovated everything imaginable... except the things that actually matter.

Cars are now entertainment centers on wheels with computerized everything, but we can't put new computers in schools. That would cost too much money.

Millions of dollars have been pumped into making cars safer, cooler, more entertaining, but access to life-saving technology like an MRI and CAT scan still cost all the money in Scrooge McDuck's money tower and take four-to-six months before there is an opening.

I know I have been harping on this a lot lately, but it's because I just don't understand...

As cool as cars are these days - and there are some pretty kick-ass options out there - couldn't we be innovating something a little more important than a Ford Focus?

See?

I'm going grumpy...

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Am I Out of Line Here?

Let me preface this post by saying that I think the people at Extreme Makeover: Home Edition do a wonderful thing. They help people have a better life and any act of generosity and caring for another human being is terrific.

With that out of the way, let me now say how much this show drives me insane. Like yelling at the television insane. Seriously. I can't stand it.

Part one of the primal rage comes from the insistence on calling at least one member of every home a hero. Last night, the mother of two sick children who painted murals in Children's Hospitals was a hero. Forgive me, but no. She's a wonderful human being who does fantastic things, but let's not toss around the word hero all willy-nilly. That guy who jumped into the Red River ten days ago to save a kid, he's a hero.

Phase two of the frustration stems from the general concept of the show itself and how it defines people in need. Yes, this family had a house full of mold and water damage, two daughters who were sick and they needed assistance. However, they don't need it as much as the people in the 9th Ward in New Orleans, all those Iowans whose houses got leveled by tornadoes last year or the thousands of homeless people in North America alone who could most certainly use a place to sleep at night.

Three - why so grandiose?

Giving them a place to live is one thing. Creating a palatial estate with top of the line everything and more indulgences than one house possibly needs is another thing. Sure, you want to make a beautiful home for them that solves their issues; granite counter tops, stainless steel everything and marble floors don't have any barring on a person's well-being.

I would say that easily $500,000 worth of materials, products and manpower went into creating last night's home and while it's wonderful for that particular family, I can't help but think how two $250,000 homes would have impacted more people. Or four, $125,000 homes. You get the picture...

So what do you say: Am I jaded and warped or what?

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Proof People in Hollywood are Retarded

It's been reported that Disney has agreed to pay Johnny Depp upwards of $60M to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in a fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Um, why?

At The End of the World didn't leave any lingering questions or unfinished business after three very long hours and both Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley aren't expected to have any part in the film.

So basically, Disney is going to through more money than any studio has ever thrown at one actor to bring back a character that they'll have to create something brand new for and go from there.

I could see it if it was just a regular movie, but this is the Pirates franchise we're talking about - and Disney for that matter - so you know there are going to be FX out the wazzu on this one and a budget somewhere, I'm guessing here, in the $200M range.

Yes this has been an absolute cash cow of a franchise, but you have to expect that people are going to tire of the same old routine at some point and start looking for something more than pirates.

Like ninjas. Everybody loves ninjas. Make a ninja movie. That I'd go see.

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Dane Cook: Please God Make It Stop!

There is only one reason why I am glad the baseball playoffs are over:

I don't have to suffer any more of those goddamn awful Dane Cook "There Is Only One October" commercials!

Major League Baseball couldn't have picked a worse commercial pitchman, outside of maybe seeing if Satan himself wasn't busy.

Now "Good Luck Chuck" has been a topic of conversation a number of times over at Bugs, with my man Cam Martin penning a hilarious pseudo-interview with Captain Douche Bag earlier this week, but that isn't what has brought his joke-stealing, non-funny ass to mind. Nope, it's the fact that "The Great Dane" is invading my home and native land this week and a bunch of people I know are amped to go and see him.

I'm a confessed Facebook'aholic - it really is like Internet Crack - which means that I spend about as much time on Facebook as I do on everything else in my day combined and I'm sickened by what I've found.

My brother, my own flesh and blood, left me this nugget in his birthday message to me:

"We're going to see Dane Cook in Toronto on Friday...you must know and like him...I'll let you know."
- Peter Kyte

I believe my reply contained the words "fuck no", "I hope you didn't pay for those tickets" and "he's a joke-stealing, not funny douche bag" which is right in line with the opinions of Cook's contemporaries. Actually, I won't lessen their talents by calling them his contemporaries...

Don't believe me, Google him. See what other comics have to say about the frat boy favourite.

And if knowing that actual funny people (David Cross, Joe Rogan, Zack Galifianakis) think Cook sucks balls isn't enough to cheer you up, go rent Mr. Brooks and watch Kevin Costner slit his throat with a shovel.

Yeah, I know enjoying that makes me a sick bastard. I'm okay with that.

Fuck Dane Cook!

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