10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Having a Dog is...
Super fun, always amusing and somewhat tiring. It's full of early mornings and collecting poop, but totally worth it for the smile that comes to Luke's face when you give him just a little bit of attention. Plus, it's pretty cool having a sidekick.

2. Why Wasn't I Waiting Tables All Along?
Well, for starters, I couldn't even manage an interview to be a server out East, but now that I'm home and passing out plates at Montana's, I wonder why I even wasted a couple weeks at Blockbuster in the first place. The hourly wage ($7.60) is a little short, but when I can smash out 5 1/2 hours last night and make $10+/hour in tips, everything tends to even itself out.

3. Take Your Complaints Elsewhere
I'm the new guy, not the complaint department. This has somehow escaped some of my cookhouse colleagues who chose to unload their frustrations and frazzled minds on me during my shift last night. I don't care how rattled you are or whether you didn't want to serve people on the patio. If you're mad, talk to the manager, not me. I could care less.

4. Writing, Writing and More Writing
I've cranked out a lot of material over the last seven days: a full slate of posts here, an Epic piece that'll be posted tomorrow, five different Blue Jays articles and my initial assignment for Trot Magazine. That's fourteen pieces over the last week! Crazy thing is, I'm still looking for more...

5. Triple Crown Let Down
Big Brown's bid to collect the Triple Crown ended with a last place finish yesterday in The Belmont. A huge longshot (38-1) named Da'Tara collected the win. Big Brown's trainer Rick Dutrow didn't have much to say, in part because he was still pulling his foot out of his mouth after saying a win for his charge was all but assured.

6. No One Believes I'm 29
Person X: How old are you?
Me: 29.
Person X: Fuck off! Really?
That is how every age related conversation goes for me... and I love it! I'm pretty sure that my inability to grow a proper beard and the fact that when clean shaved I have the second biggest baby-face in the world (next to my brother) has something to do with it.

7. Random Facebook Reconnects
Had my most random Facebook moment in some time Friday afternoon. A guy that I was friends with in Grade 2 and 3 sent me a message, doing the "Are you the guy who used to live down the street from me?" When I confirmed that I was, the Pultizer Prize winning response I got back was, "Crazy." That was it. Pretty much pointless...

8. I Still Don't Pay For Movies
When I told the people at Blockbuster here in London I was leaving, everyone told me I was crazy giving up my ten free rentals. Aside from the fact that driving across town to work in the most boring store in the history of stores had no appeal to me, getting free movies wasn't a big deal either - we've got an unscrambled dish. I've been watching all the movies I missed during my last few weeks at Blockbuster, without the hassle of stupid customers and long hours. Allow me to recommend Lars and the Real Girl and Charlie Wilson's War. Ryan Gosling and Philip Seymour Hoffman are terrific as usual.

9. Sarah is a Handier Man than I
There has been a ceiling fan sitting in a box on our floor since Sarah arrived. Earlier this week, when the humidity finally reached the unbearable level it will remain at for the next three months, we decided the fan had to go up. And by we, I mean Sarah. She took it out, she read the instructions, she assembled it and she mounted it to the ceiling. I took my turn every so often, only to step off the chair (until I broke it) or ladder cursing. She handles the handy work, I handle the decorating... that's just how we roll!

10. Fearless Prediction: Kobe & Co. Will Win It All
I don't care that they're down 0-1. I don't care that Paul Pierce came back from being shot in Game 1. Wait? It was only a knee injury? Could have fooled me... None of that matters. LA has The Zen Master, the talent to win on the road and, most importantly, Kobe Bean Bryant. As much as I don't particularly like him, there is no denying that Kobe is awesome. He was off in Game 1, but he'll make adjustments and come back even stronger tonight in Game 2. If LA wins this one, they might not have to head back to Boston...

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The Rundown: Dog Owner, Day One

Yesterday night we picked up Gizmo.

On the car ride home, we decided going with Luke, as opposed to his given name of Luka, makes some sense for right now while he gets used to us as his new parents. Plus, I can call him Cool Hand...

In the 15 hours that Luke has been our dog, there have already been some incredible discoveries and like any proud parent, all I can think about doing is sharing them with anyone and everyone.

Top Five Cool Hand Luke Revelations

5. He Doesn't Like Garry
I can't tell you how shitty this is, but every time Luke sees Garry, hears Garry or even thinks about Garry, he barks. Okay, so I'm not sure about the thinking about him part, but the other two are 100% true and it's brutal. Like this morning, Luke's totally wrapped up in drinking his water, Garry walks in the room and WHAM! Water dish goes flying, water goes everywhere and Luke starts barking like a mo'fo... not cool. Funny, but not cool.

4. We Need to Buy Stronger Toys
His original owners gave us some toys when we picked him up yesterday. Two squeak toys and two "tug-o-war" toys. All that remains is one tug-o-war toy. The little bastard just destroys everything. It's like he has razorblades in his mouth. The two squeak toys got the stuffing pulled out of them before he actually ate the squeaking part. As for the one tug-o-war toy, the braided rope has been saw apart by the sharpened fangs of our new pet. We're off to buy him some cast iron chew toys this afternoon.

3. Sleep? What Is This Sleep You Speak Of?
Sleep is what Luke does when we're hanging out downstairs watching a movie, as was the case last night. Flipped on Lars and the Real Girl (loved it!) and he was quiet as a church mouse, laying on the arm of the couch at my side. Stayed there while we watched Iron Chef: America too. The minute we come upstairs for bed? ZING! It's play time fuckers! Wake up! I wanna do shit! Let's go! Why you laying down? An hour later, around 2:15, he finally knocked it the fuck off and went to sleep... until he woke up at 5...

2. Luke is My Dog
Sarah and Garry have already copped to it. The little fella follows me around everywhere I go. As we speak, he's laying on the bed behind me just staring at the back of the chair, wondering when I'm going to stop doing whatever useless thing I'm doing that has taken my attention away from him. It's nuts. Sarah is down in the kitchen eating breakfast. You would think he'd be down there trying to sucker her into giving him a little taste of her bagel. Not Luke, though; he's rolling with me.

1. I Have Balls and Luke Is Jealous
Cool Hand has been castrated and in the 15 hours we've had him, he has attacked my balls 47 times. He roots at them with his nose, punches them with his paws when he's trying to get into my lap, stands on them regularly enough that I know it's not an accident and just generally goes after them whenever he can. May I also mention that Sarah and Garry find this to be the most hilarious thing in the history of the world, our new dog trying with all his energy to stuff his head down my basketball shorts... Maybe he's gay?

No pictures yet - but rest assured, as soon as we put a couple on the computer, you'll see his little underbite on this post.

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. WE'RE GETTING GIZMO!
Mid-week we thought there was no chance the cutest ugly dog in the world would be joining the family, as all we had heard was that the kids were having a hard time with maybe losing the dog. Sarah even took to looking for other dogs. Then, the email came... Gizmo the Jug is coming home!

2. Bugs & Cranks is Dead
Our site has been down for the last three or four days and it feels like something is missing from my life. Our head honcho Jesse is doing some upgrades and changing servers, so I know we'll be back in business shortly, but with B&C down it takes two parts of my daily computer routine out of the picture - checking Bugs and my Bugs emails - and since I'm all about routines, this has thrown me way outta sync.

3. Best Customers Ever
So we were swamped last night at The Cookhouse - as was to be expected - and I managed to get the Best Customers Ever... at the same table no less. Susie Rottencrotch was kind enough to order absolutely nothing from our actual menu; everything had a variation to it and her 4007 pointed, smart-assed questions really made my night. What made it even better was Jimmy Tattoo, another guy at the table objecting to paying for a beer his friend drank earlier in the evening when it mistakenly showed up on his bill. Really? You can't drop another $5 to cover your buddy's beer? DOUCHEBAGS!

4. In Truth...
Montana's has been pretty solid. 99 out of 100 customers are really understanding on nights like last night, as they seem to know that going out for dinner on a Saturday night between 6 and 8 means you're waiting at least 30 minutes for your main.

5. Apparently I Still Live In Newfoundland
It's June 1st in Ontario, a time usually marked by ridiculous humidity and "sweat from breathing" heat. In the words of Dr. Evil, "It's frickin' freezing!" Overcast skies, monstrous downpours and winds that make you feel cold to your bones have been the dominant weather system of the last three days, making London more like St. John's.

6. My New Addiction
Joining cigarettes and coffee in the Spencer Kyte Addiction Portfolio is crossword puzzles. We get the London Free Press delivered to the house every day and every day I make an attempt. Mondays and Tuesdays are generally fairly easy and completed in full in no time. Wednesday is a little harder, but Thursday is easy-peasy since it's Pop Culture stuff. Friday through Sunday, however, is another story entirely. I got seven clues today... for now.

7. Smartest Purchase Ever
Sarah and I each have new Starbucks travel mugs. Not the shiny silver ones that leak and spill and what have you; mine actually looks like a Venti cup, except bigger. Since purchasing them a week or so ago, we've barely gone to Starbucks. Instead, we make our coffee at home and head out the door. This may sound basic to some of you, but considering we would usually drop $20 a week on coffees and treats at The Bucks, forking over $25 for these two mugs has been a wise investment.

8. Number of Months Home: 2. People Seen: 0.
This is what happens when you're all growed up and life happens. Our best laid plans were to move "home" and use our days off and free time to tour around visiting old friends and catching up. So far - bupkiss - and I don't know when that is going to change. It's looking like weekends at The Cookhouse are going to be a regular thing and since weekends are when everyone else in the world has time off, well, you see where this is going. Time to get creative and get down to Hammertown and area for some visits...

9. Faye is Retired... Again
Gotta love my Mom! Early last spring I got a phone call that basically went, "Hi Sherm. Guess what? I'm retired!" Just like that - gave her two weeks notice and that was it. She spent the summer doing the things she loves most: being a grandmother, golfing, sitting on her deck staring at the water and even took to meeting a gentlemen friend. Near the end of the summer, she was ready to go back to work, so she did, taking a 9 month contract back with the OLG in Brantford. That contract ended this week. Once again, Ol' Faye is retired... Lucky bitch!

10. Happy Birthday Cori!
My former housemate and close friend Corrine Rae (Lawrence) Empringham is celebrating her birthday today. Actually, the celebration was last night, but her actual birthday is today, along with three other Facebook friends (Ziz, Marnie and Chach Machado), Alanis Morissette and the venerable Morgan Freeman. Happy Birthday to you all!

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And Now We Wait...

Yesterday afternoon, Sarah and I went to meet our potential new dog.

Yes, that's him. Isn't he cute?

After meeting him, two things were certain:

1. Our original name idea - Pickle - doesn't suit him. He's a Dog Faced Gremlin and so, his new name will be Gizmo.


2. We really, really, really love this dog!

The uncertain thing is whether we're actually going to get this dog.
Yesterday, when we met the dog, we also met the family, obviously.

The dog actually belongs to the most mature 9-year-old girl I have ever met, although her apparent lack of exercising the dog is the reason he could become a Kyte.

At least, that's the reason we were given.

After spending thirty minutes with the family - except for the father / husband - Sarah and I came to a couple revelations:

• Dad hates this dog. He has a Lab and this little dog is the furthest thing from a Lab.


• It's entirely possible that we're serving as a wake up call to this poor 9 year old who is being expected to provide solo care for this dog.

I don't care how mature your kids are - who gets their 7-year-old a dog and then expects her to be the only one who takes care of it? She's a kid for chrissakes!

It probably doesn't help that the family of five also has a big Lab, two ferrets, a guinea pig, some fish, a couple sharks and a camel in the backyard...

Mix in a 14-year-old son, 9-year-old daughter and a one-year-old who we were shockingly told was a surprise - I'm not lying! - and you can see how the townhouse might be a little crowded.

Oh yeah, the fact that our potential future dog can also tackle the little girl - which he did at one point yesterday - might work in our favour too.

We sent an email thanking them for the visit and got one back earlier today asking for a little patience while they talk things over.

So now, we wait, fingers crossed, dog treats at the ready.

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