Discovering a New Species

I'm no anthropologist, but I do believe I discovered a new species while at work yesterday:

Cheapis Bastardus Voucherificus.

Commonly known as Cheap Bastards that use Vouchers when paying for their bills, they are only seen in a restaurant setting and strongly resemble regular people until it becomes time to settle their bills.

At this point, they produce a small ticket that entitles them to $13.00 worth of food where no remaining funds are able to be transferred to the individual looking after them.

The strongest of the pack is notorious for ordering nearly twice as much food as the small ticket covers and leaving without covering the cost of the rest of the bill, leaving the poor, defenseless server to incur a loss.

Incidentally, their actions are not limited to food, as they tend to behave in a similar fashion when they are simply enjoying liquid refreshment as well.

Instead of ingesting nourishment along with the rest of the pack in the middle of the day, some of the Cheapis Bastardus Voucherifici choose to wait until later in the day and use the little ticket for beverages only, something that isn't technically allowed, but whatareyougonnado?

Most impressive is watching the pack disband, as members of the collective slowly make their way to their own dwellings, offering to cover just a small segment of the pack's intake and leaving no extra reward for the individual who has been shouted at repeatedly for more refreshments.

Finally, when the last of the group is set to leave, they are forced to put out more monies than originally anticipated because their fellow Cheapis Bastardus Voucherifici have left them more than they bargained for, the only moment of pleasure for the uniformed individual who has spent the afternoon as their humble servant.

And still, not a penny extra is left.

Let this be a warning to all you in the service industry:

Be on the lookout for a pack of CBV in your establishment and avoid them at all costs.

Interaction with this species will leave you tired, frustrated and questioning whether you want to remain in your current vocation.

* * * * * * * *

Seven hours worked, $1100 in sales, $70 bucks made... including the $30 left to me by a table of Yuppies from New York...

Stupid Cheap Bastards!

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10 Things I Learned This Week

1. Having a Dog is...
Super fun, always amusing and somewhat tiring. It's full of early mornings and collecting poop, but totally worth it for the smile that comes to Luke's face when you give him just a little bit of attention. Plus, it's pretty cool having a sidekick.

2. Why Wasn't I Waiting Tables All Along?
Well, for starters, I couldn't even manage an interview to be a server out East, but now that I'm home and passing out plates at Montana's, I wonder why I even wasted a couple weeks at Blockbuster in the first place. The hourly wage ($7.60) is a little short, but when I can smash out 5 1/2 hours last night and make $10+/hour in tips, everything tends to even itself out.

3. Take Your Complaints Elsewhere
I'm the new guy, not the complaint department. This has somehow escaped some of my cookhouse colleagues who chose to unload their frustrations and frazzled minds on me during my shift last night. I don't care how rattled you are or whether you didn't want to serve people on the patio. If you're mad, talk to the manager, not me. I could care less.

4. Writing, Writing and More Writing
I've cranked out a lot of material over the last seven days: a full slate of posts here, an Epic piece that'll be posted tomorrow, five different Blue Jays articles and my initial assignment for Trot Magazine. That's fourteen pieces over the last week! Crazy thing is, I'm still looking for more...

5. Triple Crown Let Down
Big Brown's bid to collect the Triple Crown ended with a last place finish yesterday in The Belmont. A huge longshot (38-1) named Da'Tara collected the win. Big Brown's trainer Rick Dutrow didn't have much to say, in part because he was still pulling his foot out of his mouth after saying a win for his charge was all but assured.

6. No One Believes I'm 29
Person X: How old are you?
Me: 29.
Person X: Fuck off! Really?
That is how every age related conversation goes for me... and I love it! I'm pretty sure that my inability to grow a proper beard and the fact that when clean shaved I have the second biggest baby-face in the world (next to my brother) has something to do with it.

7. Random Facebook Reconnects
Had my most random Facebook moment in some time Friday afternoon. A guy that I was friends with in Grade 2 and 3 sent me a message, doing the "Are you the guy who used to live down the street from me?" When I confirmed that I was, the Pultizer Prize winning response I got back was, "Crazy." That was it. Pretty much pointless...

8. I Still Don't Pay For Movies
When I told the people at Blockbuster here in London I was leaving, everyone told me I was crazy giving up my ten free rentals. Aside from the fact that driving across town to work in the most boring store in the history of stores had no appeal to me, getting free movies wasn't a big deal either - we've got an unscrambled dish. I've been watching all the movies I missed during my last few weeks at Blockbuster, without the hassle of stupid customers and long hours. Allow me to recommend Lars and the Real Girl and Charlie Wilson's War. Ryan Gosling and Philip Seymour Hoffman are terrific as usual.

9. Sarah is a Handier Man than I
There has been a ceiling fan sitting in a box on our floor since Sarah arrived. Earlier this week, when the humidity finally reached the unbearable level it will remain at for the next three months, we decided the fan had to go up. And by we, I mean Sarah. She took it out, she read the instructions, she assembled it and she mounted it to the ceiling. I took my turn every so often, only to step off the chair (until I broke it) or ladder cursing. She handles the handy work, I handle the decorating... that's just how we roll!

10. Fearless Prediction: Kobe & Co. Will Win It All
I don't care that they're down 0-1. I don't care that Paul Pierce came back from being shot in Game 1. Wait? It was only a knee injury? Could have fooled me... None of that matters. LA has The Zen Master, the talent to win on the road and, most importantly, Kobe Bean Bryant. As much as I don't particularly like him, there is no denying that Kobe is awesome. He was off in Game 1, but he'll make adjustments and come back even stronger tonight in Game 2. If LA wins this one, they might not have to head back to Boston...

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Missing Virtue & A Future Tattoo

D'you see that symbol?

The one on the right.

Yeah, that one.

It's the Chinese symbol for Patience.

I need to print a giant poster-sized version of it and hang it in my makeshift office here in the house. Or maybe I should tattoo it on my left wrist. The one on my right seems to be working out so far*...

There is no question in my mind that I am, by far, the most impatient person I know.

I want instant reactions, instant acceptance and instant gratification.

None of this wait two weeks, let me think about it and you'll thank yourself later bullshit.

I'd much rather thank myself right now or not thank myself at all thank you very much.

Problem is I have no control on the world.

Being a writer - and one just on the cusp of some success - makes the patience problem even more pronounced because no one ever gets back to you right away, about anything.

Story pitches sit in email Inboxes for days on end, as do assignments submitted in advance of deadlines. People must think keeners have busy lives and responding to their early submissions can wait because they're busy doing something else long before it's due...

WRONG!

We're sitting here wondering why in the hell it's taken you so long to get back to us with some feedback, seeing as we got you what you were looking for a week before you had asked us to.

Job applications don't even get looked at until after the competition closes and that's usually at least a week away.

And don't even get me started on Passion Magazine, who have once again taken the summer off to drive me totally insane by refusing to return emails and keep me abreast of where things stand editorially.

Patience is one virtue I certainly don't have. Good thing I doubled up on humility...
________________

* tune in tomorrow for the full story. See how I'm doing that? Keeping y'all who don't know coming back for more... Tricky huh?

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And Now We Wait...

Yesterday afternoon, Sarah and I went to meet our potential new dog.

Yes, that's him. Isn't he cute?

After meeting him, two things were certain:

1. Our original name idea - Pickle - doesn't suit him. He's a Dog Faced Gremlin and so, his new name will be Gizmo.


2. We really, really, really love this dog!

The uncertain thing is whether we're actually going to get this dog.
Yesterday, when we met the dog, we also met the family, obviously.

The dog actually belongs to the most mature 9-year-old girl I have ever met, although her apparent lack of exercising the dog is the reason he could become a Kyte.

At least, that's the reason we were given.

After spending thirty minutes with the family - except for the father / husband - Sarah and I came to a couple revelations:

• Dad hates this dog. He has a Lab and this little dog is the furthest thing from a Lab.


• It's entirely possible that we're serving as a wake up call to this poor 9 year old who is being expected to provide solo care for this dog.

I don't care how mature your kids are - who gets their 7-year-old a dog and then expects her to be the only one who takes care of it? She's a kid for chrissakes!

It probably doesn't help that the family of five also has a big Lab, two ferrets, a guinea pig, some fish, a couple sharks and a camel in the backyard...

Mix in a 14-year-old son, 9-year-old daughter and a one-year-old who we were shockingly told was a surprise - I'm not lying! - and you can see how the townhouse might be a little crowded.

Oh yeah, the fact that our potential future dog can also tackle the little girl - which he did at one point yesterday - might work in our favour too.

We sent an email thanking them for the visit and got one back earlier today asking for a little patience while they talk things over.

So now, we wait, fingers crossed, dog treats at the ready.

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