Gerard Butler Gave My Wife a Nickname

Nicknames are a key component of being a member of The Kyte Family.

Everyone has one, sometimes regardless of whether they like it or know it. Some people, myself included, have multiple nicknames. You can't just be the name on your driver's license; that's just too boring.

Additionally, you can't just pick something and attempt to run with it. A nickname must be bestowed upon you for it to work. My mom and I are shining examples of that.

My mother, Carol, hasn't been called Carol by either me or Pete in years. We call her Faye, as do a lot of people, thanks to us.

Way back when, Pete and I watched this movie, A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon, and the father was this abrasive alcohol who screamed about something every time he came home from drinking. The target of his tirades?

His wife ... Faye.

Twenty years later, she's still Faye, and a few other things.

Me? I'm Sherman.

Have been since Grade 11 or so, thanks to a horse racing friend named Keith Oliver and the last reasonably entertaining Eddie Murphy movie, The Nutty Professor.

For those who don't remember, the lead character's name is Sherman Klump, a rotund scientist with a fondness for food. Keith, whose nickname is Redman, saw said film and thought I bore a strong resemblance to the Eddie Murphy's character.

The exact quote was "Every time I see you, you just keep getting fatter and fatter. (Laughs) You're like that fuckin' Nutty Professor! (Laughs) What are you doin' Sherman?" Laughter filled the shed row, the comedy was explained to Pete and a nickname was born.

In fact, my friend Cornflake's mom - whose nickname is Ma Bell - used to introduce me to people as "Pete's brother Sherman," thinking it was my actual given name.

Which brings us to Gerard Butler and my beautiful wife.

For the nearly three years we've been together, we've been trying to come up with a nickname for Sarah. We being me and Faye. She's tried to force a couple lousy ideas on her, but nothing has stuck.

Last night, Sarah and I settled in to watch P.S. I Love You, laughing through the opening scene that is actually quite reminiscent of some of the moronic arguments and fights that we have.

She's the worrying, panicked, "What if it all doesn't work out?" type and I'm, according to the movie, "the care-free Irish guy who sings all the time."

At the climax of the fight, Gerard Butler storms out of the house, frustrated with his wife's ridiculous worries and word-twisting, angrily exclaiming, "Crazy bitch pain in me hole" on his way out the door.

And thus, a nickname was born.

Now, I can't rightfully use that in public to get my wife's attention; parents will be offended if their children are in range and females everywhere will slap me before hearing the explanation. At that point, it's too late anyway.

But PIHM works real well.

Full name, C.B. Pihm, as in Crazy Bitch Pain In Me Hole, but shortening it to just Pihm works well enough for me.

I love you Sarah, even if sometimes Sarah goes away and C.B. Pihm takes her place ...