Rollin' the Dice

Yesterday, I said I should go out an get the Chinese symbol for patience tattooed on my left wrist, since I don't have any and the last time I tattooed something I had none of on my wrist I ended up, well, here.

Across my right wrist, in freehanded black and white script is the word Freelance. I got in on a Wednesday evening in April 2005. How it got there not only proves my lack of patience, but also that you can do anything you set your mind to.

In April 2005 I was unemployed. Had been for months. Zero prospects on the horizon.

I had a Psych major and an HR minor from Waterloo that I had no intention of using and had spent the better part of the previous five years as middle management for a government agency that paid me well but offered very little in the way of transferable skills. At least, that was how the people on the other side of the desk interviewing me always saw it.

The one thing I did have was a script.

See, I had written a screenplay over Christmas. I had just broken up with my girlfriend of eight months, was broke and needed somewhere to lay low, so I took refuge in the warm confines of my mother's house and her fully stocked liquor cabinet.

The script was horrible - formulaic, self-referential and predictable as hell - but completing the process showed me that I had a talent for writing. Sure it was bad, but how many people can sit down and fire off 100+ pages in a week? And if I could write a screenplay, who was to say that I couldn't write other things?

Other things became sports, as a job posting for an up-and-coming magazine based out of Toronto went from being a pipe dream to a potential reality in the span of three weeks.

Much like I still do every day, I was checking the Craigslist job board and saw a posting for writers. Still in keeping with current traditions, I flipped a quick fact-finding email to the address and expected nothing.

Twenty minutes later, I had added a guy named Frank to Messenger and we spent hours talking about this magazine he was starting and my role on the writing team. Everything sounded great.

A week later, I was in Toronto, first meeting with Frank and then sitting down at The Score with Cabral Richards* - Cabbie on the Street - to discuss his involvement in the project. Anyone who had Cabbie ready to contribute had to be legit.

The next week, my friend Chrissy and I had tickets to Coldplay at the ACC. Say whatever you want about Coldplay - I've liked them from the beginning - and no matter what Judd Apatow says, liking Coldplay does not make you gay.

Anywho, we get down to Toronto, grab dinner and a drink and walk over to the ACC. Stand in line, get to the front, guy takes our tickets...

"These are no good," he says, little scanner thingy in his handed.

"Sorry?" Chrissy nervously asks, knowing there was no way she bought counterfeit tickets from Ticketmaster.

"They're for tomorrow night. Not tonight."

Embarrassed as fuck, Chrissy stepped out of line. I followed suit, equal parts amused and annoyed. Now what the hell were we going to do, half-ass dolled up for a Coldplay show that starts in 24 hours?

"We should go get more tattoos?" I offered. The more applied to me, as Chrissy had never felt the needle.

"I'll go with you, but I'm not getting anything," she replied and the new plan of attack was laid out. All we had to do was find a tattoo shop.

We finally found a place willing to let us in the door way out in East Jesus, Nowhere. Everyone else was closing up or not interested in the $100 it would take to make my idea come to life. Lazy bastards...

After riding the couch in the waiting room talking to the owner and everyone else hanging around the shop - I'm convinced that if I came off as a douchebag they would have told me it was a no-go and sent me out the door - I jumped in a chair, rolled up my sleeve and told Anthony the plan.

"I want the word Freelance in script across my wrist," I confidently pronounced.

"How come?" shot back the second man to puncture my flesh with ink.

"My brother's name is Lance and he's up in Kingston at Millhaven doing a nickel for assault and," I couldn't get the rest out without starting to laugh. Thankfully, Anthony did too. "Actually, I want to be a writer and this is going to serve as my motivation and my daily reminder to keep writing."

"Nice man. I like that," he replied. With that, he pulled out a fine tipped marker, sketched out some lettering and went to town on my wrist.

Hugs and hand-pounds were exchanged, my wrist got all taped up to make me look like I had just tried to kill myself and we were on our way.

The next night, we saw Coldplay from the floor.

A couple days later, the magazine project was put on hold. That was two years ago.

But I had my tattoo and my tattoo was my motivation. I couldn't end up as some doofus with a tattoo that makes no sense, so I kept writing. I wrote almost every day, even when their was nothing to really write about.

It would be another nine months before another opportunity came my way.

That was Bugs & Cranks.

The rest is history in the making...

* this was how I came to meet Cabbie and since then, we've done an interview for B&C and remain in touch... that makes two good things that came out of the failed Frankly Sports project....

Continue reading ...

Missing Virtue & A Future Tattoo

D'you see that symbol?

The one on the right.

Yeah, that one.

It's the Chinese symbol for Patience.

I need to print a giant poster-sized version of it and hang it in my makeshift office here in the house. Or maybe I should tattoo it on my left wrist. The one on my right seems to be working out so far*...

There is no question in my mind that I am, by far, the most impatient person I know.

I want instant reactions, instant acceptance and instant gratification.

None of this wait two weeks, let me think about it and you'll thank yourself later bullshit.

I'd much rather thank myself right now or not thank myself at all thank you very much.

Problem is I have no control on the world.

Being a writer - and one just on the cusp of some success - makes the patience problem even more pronounced because no one ever gets back to you right away, about anything.

Story pitches sit in email Inboxes for days on end, as do assignments submitted in advance of deadlines. People must think keeners have busy lives and responding to their early submissions can wait because they're busy doing something else long before it's due...

WRONG!

We're sitting here wondering why in the hell it's taken you so long to get back to us with some feedback, seeing as we got you what you were looking for a week before you had asked us to.

Job applications don't even get looked at until after the competition closes and that's usually at least a week away.

And don't even get me started on Passion Magazine, who have once again taken the summer off to drive me totally insane by refusing to return emails and keep me abreast of where things stand editorially.

Patience is one virtue I certainly don't have. Good thing I doubled up on humility...
________________

* tune in tomorrow for the full story. See how I'm doing that? Keeping y'all who don't know coming back for more... Tricky huh?

Continue reading ...

The Rundown: Dog Owner, Day One

Yesterday night we picked up Gizmo.

On the car ride home, we decided going with Luke, as opposed to his given name of Luka, makes some sense for right now while he gets used to us as his new parents. Plus, I can call him Cool Hand...

In the 15 hours that Luke has been our dog, there have already been some incredible discoveries and like any proud parent, all I can think about doing is sharing them with anyone and everyone.

Top Five Cool Hand Luke Revelations

5. He Doesn't Like Garry
I can't tell you how shitty this is, but every time Luke sees Garry, hears Garry or even thinks about Garry, he barks. Okay, so I'm not sure about the thinking about him part, but the other two are 100% true and it's brutal. Like this morning, Luke's totally wrapped up in drinking his water, Garry walks in the room and WHAM! Water dish goes flying, water goes everywhere and Luke starts barking like a mo'fo... not cool. Funny, but not cool.

4. We Need to Buy Stronger Toys
His original owners gave us some toys when we picked him up yesterday. Two squeak toys and two "tug-o-war" toys. All that remains is one tug-o-war toy. The little bastard just destroys everything. It's like he has razorblades in his mouth. The two squeak toys got the stuffing pulled out of them before he actually ate the squeaking part. As for the one tug-o-war toy, the braided rope has been saw apart by the sharpened fangs of our new pet. We're off to buy him some cast iron chew toys this afternoon.

3. Sleep? What Is This Sleep You Speak Of?
Sleep is what Luke does when we're hanging out downstairs watching a movie, as was the case last night. Flipped on Lars and the Real Girl (loved it!) and he was quiet as a church mouse, laying on the arm of the couch at my side. Stayed there while we watched Iron Chef: America too. The minute we come upstairs for bed? ZING! It's play time fuckers! Wake up! I wanna do shit! Let's go! Why you laying down? An hour later, around 2:15, he finally knocked it the fuck off and went to sleep... until he woke up at 5...

2. Luke is My Dog
Sarah and Garry have already copped to it. The little fella follows me around everywhere I go. As we speak, he's laying on the bed behind me just staring at the back of the chair, wondering when I'm going to stop doing whatever useless thing I'm doing that has taken my attention away from him. It's nuts. Sarah is down in the kitchen eating breakfast. You would think he'd be down there trying to sucker her into giving him a little taste of her bagel. Not Luke, though; he's rolling with me.

1. I Have Balls and Luke Is Jealous
Cool Hand has been castrated and in the 15 hours we've had him, he has attacked my balls 47 times. He roots at them with his nose, punches them with his paws when he's trying to get into my lap, stands on them regularly enough that I know it's not an accident and just generally goes after them whenever he can. May I also mention that Sarah and Garry find this to be the most hilarious thing in the history of the world, our new dog trying with all his energy to stuff his head down my basketball shorts... Maybe he's gay?

No pictures yet - but rest assured, as soon as we put a couple on the computer, you'll see his little underbite on this post.

Continue reading ...

How Did I Never See This?

I've been busting my ass at this writing thing for nearly two years now and only today, sitting in the basement, being a lazy bastard watching Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Tour: The Movie did I realize the parallels between stand-up comedy and freelance writing.

Listen - I never claimed to be smart.

The movie itself was meh; some funny bits, some useless bits, overall a 6 out of 10. Listening to one of the comics (Sebastian Maniscalco) talk about how once the tour was over he had to go back to waiting tables and how much that was going to suck balls was just like BING! The light bulb finally went on.

Again - I never claimed to be smart.

Shitty day job to pay the bills? Check.
Would much rather be doing the thing you love than anything else? Check.
Parents a little bit disappointed when you wanted to be a starving artist? Check.

Sarah even decided that I'm the "nicer, more cleaned up" version of one of the guys on the tour, John Caparulo. I gotta say that I think she's right.

We both swear about as often as we blink. We visited some friends yesterday afternoon and it was the hardest thing I've done in a while going and hour and half not swearing because their kids (6 and 2) were in the room. Honestly, if I could, I would use fuck every third word. I'm not fucking kidding.

Then there are the obvious physical similarities. Cappy is the dude pictured above.

No, that isn't me.

I'm not the only chubby, baby-faced white guy who wears his hat a little bit crooked and all bent to shit.

Anyway, I don't know why I never thought of this before and why it strikes me as such a revelation now that I'm been smacked in the head with it, it just does.

Maybe it's seeing other people with passion for their craft who have busted ass and grinded away ending up with varying degrees of success that's hitting me, making me feel spurred on and validated in my decisions.

Or maybe I'm just over-analyzing because the movie wasn't that good to begin with...

Continue reading ...

10 Things I Learned This Week

1. WE'RE GETTING GIZMO!
Mid-week we thought there was no chance the cutest ugly dog in the world would be joining the family, as all we had heard was that the kids were having a hard time with maybe losing the dog. Sarah even took to looking for other dogs. Then, the email came... Gizmo the Jug is coming home!

2. Bugs & Cranks is Dead
Our site has been down for the last three or four days and it feels like something is missing from my life. Our head honcho Jesse is doing some upgrades and changing servers, so I know we'll be back in business shortly, but with B&C down it takes two parts of my daily computer routine out of the picture - checking Bugs and my Bugs emails - and since I'm all about routines, this has thrown me way outta sync.

3. Best Customers Ever
So we were swamped last night at The Cookhouse - as was to be expected - and I managed to get the Best Customers Ever... at the same table no less. Susie Rottencrotch was kind enough to order absolutely nothing from our actual menu; everything had a variation to it and her 4007 pointed, smart-assed questions really made my night. What made it even better was Jimmy Tattoo, another guy at the table objecting to paying for a beer his friend drank earlier in the evening when it mistakenly showed up on his bill. Really? You can't drop another $5 to cover your buddy's beer? DOUCHEBAGS!

4. In Truth...
Montana's has been pretty solid. 99 out of 100 customers are really understanding on nights like last night, as they seem to know that going out for dinner on a Saturday night between 6 and 8 means you're waiting at least 30 minutes for your main.

5. Apparently I Still Live In Newfoundland
It's June 1st in Ontario, a time usually marked by ridiculous humidity and "sweat from breathing" heat. In the words of Dr. Evil, "It's frickin' freezing!" Overcast skies, monstrous downpours and winds that make you feel cold to your bones have been the dominant weather system of the last three days, making London more like St. John's.

6. My New Addiction
Joining cigarettes and coffee in the Spencer Kyte Addiction Portfolio is crossword puzzles. We get the London Free Press delivered to the house every day and every day I make an attempt. Mondays and Tuesdays are generally fairly easy and completed in full in no time. Wednesday is a little harder, but Thursday is easy-peasy since it's Pop Culture stuff. Friday through Sunday, however, is another story entirely. I got seven clues today... for now.

7. Smartest Purchase Ever
Sarah and I each have new Starbucks travel mugs. Not the shiny silver ones that leak and spill and what have you; mine actually looks like a Venti cup, except bigger. Since purchasing them a week or so ago, we've barely gone to Starbucks. Instead, we make our coffee at home and head out the door. This may sound basic to some of you, but considering we would usually drop $20 a week on coffees and treats at The Bucks, forking over $25 for these two mugs has been a wise investment.

8. Number of Months Home: 2. People Seen: 0.
This is what happens when you're all growed up and life happens. Our best laid plans were to move "home" and use our days off and free time to tour around visiting old friends and catching up. So far - bupkiss - and I don't know when that is going to change. It's looking like weekends at The Cookhouse are going to be a regular thing and since weekends are when everyone else in the world has time off, well, you see where this is going. Time to get creative and get down to Hammertown and area for some visits...

9. Faye is Retired... Again
Gotta love my Mom! Early last spring I got a phone call that basically went, "Hi Sherm. Guess what? I'm retired!" Just like that - gave her two weeks notice and that was it. She spent the summer doing the things she loves most: being a grandmother, golfing, sitting on her deck staring at the water and even took to meeting a gentlemen friend. Near the end of the summer, she was ready to go back to work, so she did, taking a 9 month contract back with the OLG in Brantford. That contract ended this week. Once again, Ol' Faye is retired... Lucky bitch!

10. Happy Birthday Cori!
My former housemate and close friend Corrine Rae (Lawrence) Empringham is celebrating her birthday today. Actually, the celebration was last night, but her actual birthday is today, along with three other Facebook friends (Ziz, Marnie and Chach Machado), Alanis Morissette and the venerable Morgan Freeman. Happy Birthday to you all!

Continue reading ...