Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tiger Woods: Great at Golf, Stupid at Life


Everyone else in the world is talking Tiger right now, so I might as well chime in too.

Tiger Woods is arguably the greatest golfer to ever play the game.

He's the first billion-dollar athlete, has endorsements out the back nine, an impeccable smile and it seems about as much smarts as a sack of marbles.

This will not be a lecture about infidelity; the shit happens and that's life. It sucks, I don't condone it, but such is life.

Instead, let's focus on how cosmically retarded a mistake this is for Tiger.

First off, look at Elin.

If you're married to some horrible hosebeast with wonky eyes, a collection of some'r teeth and more facial hair than you have, seeing what else is available at least seems somewhat understandable.

However, when you're married to a smokin' hot Swedish chick who you were set up with because she used to be Jesper Parnavick's nanny, you're not going to be trading up any time soon.

Cheating on a woman as ridiculously attractive as Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) is like marrying George Clooney and then having an affair a few years in...

Two - you're worth someone in the neighborhood of a bazillion dollars.

D'you know what happens if she decides your philandering ways are more than she cares to put up with anymore?

You become worth closer to a billion dollars because she's getting a large portion of whatever isn't protected in a pre-nup and so much money every month that you'll need Brinks to drop it by the house for her.

Now, going from a bazillion to a billion isn't the end of the world, I'll admit, but I got $27.00 to my name and couldn't imagine parting with $13.50, so half a bazillion has got to hurt a little.

Comment the Third: You're Tiger effin' Woods!

Seriously - if just about every unknown schmuck in the world who runs around on the missus ends up getting caught in one way or another, how in the fuck did you expect this to end?

The chippy (chippies?) on the side we're just going to say thanks and laugh about it over wine with their friends, never expecting a dime?

Are you kidding me? You're Tiger effin' Woods... if you accidentally brushed against my wife's ass I would be trying to get a couple hundred grand out of you, so how much do you think the side bets are trying to score now?

Maybe instead of spending so much time on the practice range, Tiger should have, I dunno, smartened the fuck up...

Cheating is wrong and bad and shitty.

How he possibly thought this would end any other way is beyond me.

Somewhere, he accountant is ready to drive Tiger's balls... and I ain't talkin' golf.

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