Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Rundown: Cool Dead People

There is this really weird trend I've noticed over the last number of years.

Any time a celebrity dies, famous people everywhere suddenly start popping up yammering incessantly about how much they loved So-And-So who just kicked the bucket.

Today, we're running down the five most instantly adored and collectively cool dead people.

Top 5 Super Cool Dead People

5. Michael Jackson

Despite the fact that he has always been "The King of Pop," before he passed this summer, the only people who would align themselves in the corner of Jackson were those who resembled the zombies around him.

Michael Jackson was poison. If you don't believe me, ask Chris Tucker. Since co-starring in Jackson's "You Rock My World" video back in 2001, the only times we've seen Chris Tucker were in his contractually pre-determined recurring role in the Rush Hour series and his mug shot from a 2005 arrest.

Now that he's dead, everyone has a story to tell about their favorite Michael Jackson song and how much they're going to miss him and what a wonderful blah blah blah blah blah.

Give it a couple more months... it'll pass.

4. Kurt Cobain

Consider this a preemptive strike, as the Cobain remembrance celebration hasn't officially kicked off as of yet. But trust me, it will.

How do I know this? Simple - a movie is in the works. As of last reports (read: rumors) way back in March, Canadian Ryan Gosling was in the lead to play the suicidal singer of the band that begrudgingly brought grunge to the masses back at the start of the '90s.

If a movie does come out, expect the "I miss Kurt so much" madness to begin en masse, despite the fact that no one outside of my man Newt has held a conversation with me about him in close to five years. He's off the Pop Culture grid, but not for long...

3. Marilyn Monroe

Here are the facts: Marilyn Monroe was sexy, banged JFK and sang him that naughty version of Happy Birthday with his wife sitting next to him, easily one of the most awesomely awkward moments in the history of the world... if you're JFK.

Did you see me mention anywhere in their that she was a dynamite actress? Nope, because she wasn't, yet millions upon millions of young starlets talk about how they idolize Marilyn and want to follow in her footsteps.

You mean with the dying way too young and being immortalized by Elton John until he can re-record the song and cash in again when someone else of note dies?

If you want to be a great actress and pattern yourself after someone from that time, at least pick someone from that era with actual chops like Shelley Winters, she of the two Oscars and countless accolades.

Otherwise, you're simply picking the awesomely dead pretty girl that everyone adores for no reason other than everyone adores her. Seriously - do you think anyone born after 1980 can name three Marilyn Monroe movies?

2. Ray Charles

Hear me out: while his dead-cred is no longer riding high, the singer's death sparked a biopic that earned Jamie Foxx an Oscar and somehow, despite no one having mentioned the album all year prior to his passing, Charles' Genius Loves Company cleaned up at the Grammy Awards.

Rolling Stone Magazine listed him at #10 on the 100 Greatest Artists of All-Time. 10!

Sad that I know this off-hand, but the horribly bad joke in She's All That where the two popular artsy girls tell Rachel Leigh Cook's character that she should kill herself because her art will be appreciated more post-humously is kind of true...

Dying gets you fans!

1. Johnny Cash

With Ray at #2, you had to assume The Man in Black would be topping the charts.

For the ten years before Johnny Cash died, not once had I heard anyone my age mention their affinity for his music, including the hundreds of country music fans I grew up around in the horse racing business.

Hell, they needed an explanation when the champion horse one year was named "A Stud Named Sue" because they had no idea where it came from. That how little Johnny Cash had registered.

He started earning some cred with his remake of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt," but shit took off when he stopped breathing.

Everyone was a massive Johnny Cash fan. Walk the Line won awards galore and people everywhere were singing Cash at karaoke, though it was almost always "Ring of Fire."

But now, time has passed and so has the adoration.

New celebrities are coming up dead every day, ready to become super popular again and reignite their fame from the grave.

Who will be next?



17 comments:

David said...

>>>do you think anyone born after 1980 can name three Marilyn Monroe movies?

Oh hell's bells - I was born in 1951 but I can't name one of her movies.

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Fair enough!

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