Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Rundown: Hot? Really? I Don't See It

So last week in The Rundown we broke out a list of five sneaky hot celebs; stars who you don't use a variant of the word "hot" to describe and who aren't revered for their style or look or wardrobe or anything like that.

This week, we shift gears, going from the hotness that slowly creeps up on you until you realize, "Wait a minute... Tina Fey is smokin' hot!" to those who just don't quite do it for us, even though a whole lot of people are really, really interested.

Everyone has their own tastes and that's cool, but we're amazed that so many people can be wrong about the ladies and gentlemen on this week's list.

Honorable mention goes to Owen Wilson based on the fact that if you have to use the word "character" to describe someone's attractiveness, as in, "His face has character," it's the polite way of saying, "he's not that good looking but I like him anyway."

On with the show.

5 Un-hot Hot Celebrities

5. The Olsen Twins

Nothing like a pair of emaciated sisters with greasy hair, dark bags under their eyes and a bazillion dollars in the bank to kick of a list!

While many still turn to them as style icons and countless frat boy freakshows continue to hold out hopes of Olsen Twin triumph, the truth of the matter is that heroin chic hasn't been chic in some time.

Somehow, these style icons haven't caught on. Someone get these girls a box of donuts and a good night's sleep!

4. Gerard Butler

I love the guy, but let's be honest: he's no better looking than millions of men out there. In fact, I would wager that if you were to walk down the streets of London (England, not Ontario) or Sydney (Australia, not Nova Scotia) or Dublin, you'd find yourself a handful of unknown Gerard Butler's of equal attractiveness.

Why? It's the accent; a decent looking guy with a great accent is always far better looking. Hell, a lot of questionable looking bastards with great accents have done quite alright for themselves over the years if we're being truthful.

Bottom line: I'd be way better looking with a cool Irish accent.

3. Sarah Jessica Parker

Ah.. Horseface. Sorry, but it's true.

While Sex in the City was a solid show and Carey Bradshaw was an interesting character, Sarah Jessica Parker was running third in the "hottest women on SITC" contest, only topping the redhead and that isn't saying much.

Kristin Davis owned the crown and super-cougar Kim Cattrall took second simply because you knew that she would show you 327 new things a night once the bedroom door closed.

Some days, SJP can look great. Others, she resembles Seabiscuit and that nullifies any good days in an instant.

2. Robert Pattinson

Seriously... WTF is it about this guy?

The greasy, disheveled hair? The pasty, white skin? The constant look like he's gotten three hours of sleep in the last week combined with the forlorn doe eyes?

Honestly, cheer up emo kid, it's going to be alright! You're making a trillion dollars doing some horrible acting (from what I've heard, seeing as I'm still boycotting Twilight) yet you can't comb your goddamn hair?

Someone needs to explain this one to me...

1. Lady Gaga

This is a slam dunk if ever there was one.

For starters, she's a classic butterface... though you would never know it since there is always some kind of mask / screen / mesh / metal covering all or part of her face.

Toss in 97 pounds of makeup, including 53 pounds solely used on her eyes and those absolutely ridiculous outfits we've all seen her in since she unfortunately fell into a laps last year and you get the picture.

I won't even begin to discuss the bullshit she calls music either.

I've shown you mine, now you show me yours: tell me who makes your list in the comments section.

15 comments:

Ashley said...

I'm boycotting Twilight toooo!!!

E. Spencer Kyte said...

I just don't get it.

Not in the like "What? What are vampires?" sense, but more of a "What's the big effin' deal?" way.

You still rockin' the block? I might have to make a return trip if I don't find work soon...

Ashley said...

If you consider two shifts a week rockin' it, then yes, i am!
Don't go back! You don't want to be the person who has to explain to people..."yes we have late fees" and "no,we don't have late fees" all at the same time!!!

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Yeah, I saw that last time I was in. What's the deal? Actually, never mind... it's not important.

Two shifts because you're getting out of there and busy with school, or two shifts because it's a ghost town and there are no hours?

Ashley said...

Two shifts because I'm busy with school!

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