The Rundown: Shut Up Already!

In life, there are those things you come to hear over and over again.

Parents telling you to eat your vegetables as a child, warning you that masturbating will make you go blind, instructing you to stop picking your nose ... you know, that stuff.

Once you hit adulthood, it really doesn't change. Sure, maybe it's not your parents anymore - maybe it is, I dunno - but there is still a long line of people telling you the same crap you've heard over and over and over again to the point that it makes your ears bleed and thoughts of grabbing an uzi and bell tower cross you mind.

For me, this is a regular occurrence and I thought I would share with you today.

Top 5 Things People Need to Stop Telling Me

5. Making a Living as a Writer is Hard
This is one of Sarah's mom's favorites and lemme tell you how awesome it is to hear. One, I'm the one who has been slaving it out for the last two-plus years trying to make some in-roads. Two, I've done better in two years than some people, so gimme a little credit. Three, you think I don't wish GQ would call and offer me a six-figure salary? Stop beating a dead horse already...

4. That's Just the Way the Schedule Worked Out
Schedules don't work out. They don't create themselves. Humans make them and can do so in whatever fashion they like, so telling me that the schedule just didn't allow for me to have any shifts this week is crap. You didn't schedule me. You scheduled the guy who called the office cursing while hammered at two in the morning and the chick who everyone hates and steals from the company as routinely as she can, but not me. Good thing I've been working hard all winter long...

3. You Say That Now, But Wait 'til You've Been Married for Ten Years
Ten years from now, I'm still going to love Sarah immensely. I'm still going to take care of her when she's sick. I'm still going to want to spend days off with her over anything else in the world. That won't change over time. Just because your marriage did, doesn't mean my marriage is going to. Besides, can't you wait 'til after I'm married to start raining on my parade?

2. You Should Quit Smoking
No shit. But here's the thing: I don't really want to all that much, so why don't you stop telling me and I'll go have a smoke. I know the health risks, I know the stigma and I know how much I enjoy lighting a cigarette six or eight times a day, so fuck off. I'll quit on my own terms whenever I decide. Until then, leave it alone.

1. We're Going to Pay You, We Just Can't Right Now
Ah yes, the greatest line of crap I've ever heard. Everyone has the greatest intentions, but their bank accounts are usually empty. This one actually feeds into #5 really, because if all the people who have said over the years that they're going to pay me or we're going to make it rich every came through, #5 wouldn't be an issue. Alas, no one has really come through consistently yet, so I'm still broke and doing what I do for love and a fleeting hope of one day getting paid.