I am, without exaggeration, the one of these things that doesn't belong. Sarah agrees with me too. And it actually applies on a number of different levels.
Amongst our circle of friends here in Newfoundland, I don't fit. They're nursing students, would-be scientists, academically inclined smart people. I have an Arts Degree that I never intended to use, know absolutely nothing about the human body (Not in that way you dumb bastards!) and adopt a glossy blank stare whenever the discussions sway towards nursing / health related topics, which is quite frequent. Luckily, we usually get together somewhere where there is either (a) a TV with sports highlights for me to watch or (b) another boyfriend who isn't into the whole nursing / science thing, but they also have no clue about sports or movies or the stuff that is most important to me.
Occasionally, someone fires me a bone and asks about my writing, which makes me perk up a little, but after engaging me for the minimum amount of time, they usually revert back to talking about the procedures they have been involved in or various organs, bones and diseases I know nothing about and I go back to sticking out like a sore thumb.
This next bit is going to sound strange, but I don't fit the profile appearance wise either. I know that it is a huge generalization to say that Newfoundlanders look a certain way, dress a certain way etc. etc. etc. but let's face it - every pocket of society has it's own distinct appearance and mine definitely doesn't portray me as being from these parts.
Take last night. I rocked a mohawk. Not like an 80's punk band, Anarchy Rules! kind of mohawk, more of a Kevin Federline on the cover of Details a couple months ago mohawk. It's grown out a little so it's turning into a faux-hawk, but you get the picture. That doesn't play here very well. It is an immediate "look at that guy" whenever we're in public. (Note: Please tell me if it is an automatic "look at that guy" everywhere, just so I know...)
Clothes matter to me. Not that they don't to others, but I really like fashion, I don't mind saying it. Coordination and style means a great deal to me. I don't own a ski-doo jacket; I rock blazers and sports jackets. Big-ass snowboots aren't in my closet, nor are running shoes; I've got a pair of Timberlands, some dressy sneakers (for sneaking) and a pair of beige corduroy slip on loafers that are full-out bad-ass! I got them in Paris. They're awesome! My argyle sweater vest is a dead give away of my being from away too...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
My Life is a Sesame Street Song
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Pajamas: Not An Outdoor Outfit
Guess what? You can't wear pajamas in public. It's as simple as that.
No, it doesn't matter where you're going. Unless you're going to bed, you have on the wrong attire.
Britney Spears does it all the time? Is that the argument you're going to use? Seriously? Britney's about three months away from a full out mental breakdown where she ends up sitting in a chair staring out the window all day and people say things like "It's such a shame what happened to that Spears girl. I knew she was really in trouble when she started wearing her pajamas everywhere."
Comfort? You want to give me comfort as justification? D'you know what's comfortable? Being bare-ass naked, that's comfortable, but you don't see me pushing a grocery cart in my birthday suit on a weekly basis do you? People say Crocs are comfortable too but I wouldn't be caught dead in those either.
Stacey and Clinton need to do an expose about this on a future episode of What Not To Wear. I mean, it comes up in nearly every single episode because all the fashion mongoloids out there think it's acceptable and see nothing wrong with strolling around the video store in their best Hello Kitty PJ's.
The simple fact of the matter is that there is absolutely nothing okay with wearing your pajamas out in public. No exceptions. Not even little kids, because that is just the parent being mean to their child and setting them up for years of horrible fashion choices down the road. Besides, it's not like they're a complicated piece of clothing to get in and out of. We're not talking about a corset here folks. They're pajamas!
I would say it takes no more than 30 seconds to slip out of the PJ's and into a different pair of pants. I'd even extend that to a minute, just to be nice. So how is it, even in the hustle and bustle world we live in now, that a growing number of people don't have one minute to spare to change out of the pants they crawl into bed in when they're heading out the door?
Public pajama-wearing scares the hell out of me for a number of reasons and not just because I'm a metrosexual prick who thinks he knows a thing or two about fashion. No No - it extends beyond that.
If pajamas become acceptable, what's next? It can't be long until we see some dude walk into the corner store in his housecoat...
If you don't have the time to put on a respectable pair of pants, what else have you neglected to do? Did you skip the shower for the last couple days too because the water makes you feel all icky?
I never thought I would say this, but dammit, I would rather see everyone busting out the sweatpants 24-7 than walking around in pajamas. That may not seem like much of a concession to some of you, but believe me, before this pajama epidemic, wearing sweatpants anywhere outside of the gym, laying around the house or a quick trip to the corner store was #1 on my Fashion Faux Pas list.
We've fallen into this funk of everything having to be about dressed down, comfortable and casual. Workplaces are now business casual four days a week and jeans on Fridays. The guy who shows up in the suit and tie is the odd duck and that is a crying shame.
Even Jay Z has encouraged the masses to drop the jerseys and constant casual attire and "throw on a suit and get it tapered up" in the track "Change Clothes." D'you think Hova would be caught dead in public in his pajamas? Not a chance, even though he's probably got some real slick boudoir attire.
It's not hard folks. I beg you, when you get to the front door, pause and look down at your lower half. If you see hearts, Winnie the Pooh, the name of your university or something you've seen first thing in the morning, go change.
Pants aren't that hard. You can do it. I know you can.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The Rundown: Don't Be A Douchebag!
Since busting out The Rundown back near the start of things, I have had a lot of fun coming up with it each and every week, as for the most part it has either been funny, self-deprecating or self-indulgent. Any way it comes out, it has been good times.
Today we're gonna shift gears a little and drop something helpful. Kind of like when I gave the seven of you suggestions on how to appear cooler via The Hip List not that long ago. This one is male specific though, since I'm tired of seeing large quantities of my gender behaving like giant douchebags. If one guy has a better night because of this, I have done my job.
And so, today's Rundown:
Top Five Ways To Avoid Being A Douchebag
5. Put Away The D-Bag Uniform
This one is just plain easy and I know it to be a truism because, well, I used to sport the D-bag uniform from time to time and had exactly no success whatsoever wherever and whenever I wore it. Be it at work, at play or anywhere in between, the D-bag Uniform is an absolute non-starter. So, if when you're getting ready to dress yourself you decide that the untucked button-down shirt with jeans and a sports jacket/blazer/linen jacket from H&M is your outfit of choice, climb back into bed because it's going to be a bad day. Any day sporting the D-bag Uniform is a bad day. Simply tucking in the shirt makes this wholly acceptable too, so long as you have a belt on. I can't stress this enough - YOU MUST WEAR A BELT AT ALL TIMES, EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR SHOW!
4. Manscape
You know how we all think we look awesome with our rugged, Grizzly Adams beards? We don't. For the most part, we look like lazy bastards who should have shaved months ago. And we look anywhere from three to ten years older than we actually are. While that works okay for a babyface like me who is pushing 30 and looks 14, on the whole, looking five years older than you are is not recommended. This doesn't apply to facial hair only. The Amazon belongs in South America...
3. The Guy With The Better Story
Let someone else be that guy. No one likes that guy. That guy is a douchebag. When he leaves to go to the bathroom or mercifully has somewhere else he has to be rambling on about how he shot one stroke better than you on the golf course or killed a bear with his bare hands, everyone makes fun of him. Verbal pissing contests are a close second to actual pissing contests on the scale of "Oh Sweet Jesus Get Me Away From These Idiots!"
2. There is More to Life Than Beer... and Rye
This is maybe the hardest one on this list, as I know a lot of us - myself included - are big time devotees to one or both, but sometimes, a man needs to order something other than Bud Light or a Rye & Coke. The tricky thing with this is what to order, as some beers are actually fair game here like Guinness or Kilkenny or Hoegarden because (a) they aren't served in a bottle and (b) you don't just pound them back one after another after another. Plus, you can't be the guy walking around with a Screwdriver, because while you may avoid being a douchebag, you're dangerously close to being a total Sally who becomes the new focus of ridicule, trumping even the hated douchebag. Even my man Bucky, a life-long Rye & Coke / Bud Light guzzler has switched it up. You should too... My suggestions? Martinis work as long as they don't involve too much fruit, swirly straws or sticking your pinky out when you drink it and sipping away at a glass of Tullamore Dew on ice is a great choice too. I've rocked the Vodka Water for the last year or so and have to say I'm a huge fan. Thanks to Vanessa Monteith for the introduction.
1. Broaden Your Horizons
You can't just talk about sports. Recounting drunken escapades doesn't always work either, since you're always running the risk of becoming the guy with the better story or making yourself look like a total piss tank. Conversely, boring someone to death with ramblings about the Canadian Government's Military Spending Habits or the intricacies of molecular biology aren't good looks either. It's like when everyone would fall asleep on Friends as soon as Ross started talking dinosaurs... Movies, music and pop culture in general are always good starting points, just make sure you know what the hell you're talking about, because nothing is more douchebaggy than being the guy who says, "I love Amanda Bynes. She was terrific in Mean Girls."
Author's Note: I know what you're thinking and the answer is Yes, I am essentially the anti-douchebag. You may think that me saying that makes me a douchebag, but you're wrong. Just thought I would clear that up.
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